Dear Piece of Shit:
My heart almost leapt out of my throat when I saw your email arrive, the one with the subject line of “Howdy!” At that moment when the email arrived, I realized how much I really cared for you and I was so happy to hear from you again.
My heart melted when I read you address me as before and say:
“Hello Mel! How are you gorgeous? I have been thinking about you since last Sunday. I was wondering whether you have plans this coming Friday night. We could go have dinner at Toshi’s.”
Wow! He’s back in town! I was mesmerized with joy!
My heart was pounding hard and I had a hard time keeping myself in my chair with excitement. Nothing in those words asked stupid old me “why only since last Sunday?” After all, I hadn’t heard from you for three weeks, since the day you said you had a serious deadline on a project and you’d be tied up traveling for a few weeks, that you’d be in touch when you return in December. I read on:
“I guess what I’m really saying, dear Melody, is that last Sunday was really nice and I would like to spend a little more time with you and get to know you a little better. What do you say?”
Melody?!!!! You fucker! You don’t even know how to send an email without fucking up. Fuck you, asshole, for treating me like shit, lying to me about being busy with work, and sending someone else’s email to me.
My name is Melika, you asshole! Now fuck off and die you bastard.
Mel
