iranian.com: Arash Emamzadeh, Adam and Eve

Fiction

Adam and Eve
Short story

March 24, 2005
iranian.com

"Why in hell aren't you worshiping me, Satan?" Adam asked, while scratching his nuts. Adam was standing on a stage, well above hundreds of angels, all of whom had kneeled before him except Satan. "Are you referring to me?" Satan replied. "No, I'm talkin' to the other spirit with flames comin' out of his ass...of course I'm talkin' to ya!" Adam screamed back.

" Are you referring to me?" Satan enquired. "Yes, yes, you Deniro- wanna- be. I feel like I'm talkin' to that soldier in 'Taste of Cherry'. What are you, deaf?"

Satan responded: "I do not respect you because you do not deserve what you have been given, namely the power to create. You can not anticipate the consequences of your action. And to show my objection, I will leave Paradise immediately." Adam laughed and told Satan that one may not just leave paradise like that: "Satan, one may not just leave paradise like...that."

" Honestly, I was volunteering here," Satan replied, "because I wanted to get a job in Paradise. But I have had it up to here; first I had to mow the lawn in Paradise, and now this! I have to bow to you just because you have balls. I am more intelligent than all present here. I do not deserve this...all this, just because I look different?"

Adam answered: "Hang on fire- ball! Let me tell you something. I saw 'The Exorcist' twice. Actually, I liked the part that the little girl was bouncing up and down on the bed and I could see her underwear. Now...what was I saying? Yeah, I know all about you. I'd destroy Iraq just to stop all the evil and terror. I bet you'd really enjoy doing all those horrible things to little girls to make them look ugly and old. I cast thee out!"

" Adam, hear my last words," Satan replied. "You will never overcome your weakness as you will always be guided by your senses. Your selfish needs will enslave you. You are truly a most tragic and lonely creation and creator...lonelier than all other beings! Unless you choose to refuse to choose, to refuse to create, your story will end with self- destruction."

Soon after Satan left, Adam looked towards other angels and announced: "My story will end with self- destruction! Ooooh, I'm wetting my...leaves. Blah blah! It's like...I didn't ask for your life story buddy. I'm here to entertain and be entertained. But Satan has really good skin though, it's so tan...get it? So tan?! Why I hear no clapping?"

Adam spent his first few days exploring his surroundings in Paradise, accompanied by a Persian cat. They watched the sunset together. Adam learned to make fire. Adam learned to write on stones. Adam learned to grow vegetables. Adam learned that Paradise sucked!

On their last day together, Adam and the cat were watching an eagle struggling with its prey. "I have so many questions about my purpose...my future...so many philosophical questions...questions about civilization and culture. But most importantly, " Adam asked, "which way to the crapper? I gotta take a shit real bad."

" I am hungry and thirsty," pronounced Adam as he emerged from a special bush. They headed eastward and soon reached a river with the clearest and tastiest water. It ran across a most beautiful forest with fruit trees of all type. Adam looked at the cat:

- I can't take it anymore. I feel like I'm nailed down to this place. This is torture.

- Meow

- Everything is boring and repetitive. Doing and...eating the same thing everyday.

- Meow

- You have anything else here...you guys got Pepsi?

- Meow.

- You know, the one with the honey from "Desperate Housewives", in the commercial?

- Meow.

- Pepsi, man...I mean cat.

- Meow.

- I'm sick of drinking this shit. It's either water or honey. Sickening! Real sickening!

- Meow.

- Always this or that vegetarian shit. Naaaw man. Let's order in today...Domino's or whatever.

- Meow.

- Man, I thought having a cat would be funny, like Garfield; but it's annoying...like Garfield.

Later on, Adam barbecued the cat for lunch. He then walked to an ant hill, which was not far from the river. This had become a hobby of his, to watch the ants transport food to the hill. As soon as he arrived, he shouted: "Heeeere's Johnny!!!" He sat down and started watching the ants. After a while, he walked away towards the river. Shortly, he came back and sat on his knees, close to the ant hill.

Suddenly he opened his mouth and water poured down on the ants. Many ants were washed away while others were struggling to get back on their feet. Adam kicked at the ant hill, nearly destroying it, and fell down on his back, laughing hysterically: "Haha...tsunami...quake...ugly boring ants...no more food for you...haha...no more food for you."

A couple of days later, two angels were talking as a third one approached them.

Angel1: So it's agreed. From now on, Paradise will be called Los Angeles.

Angel2: You know, just because you are whiter than the rest of us...

Angel1: Don't start the racist stuff again! Every spirit's vote counted.

Angel3: Good day spirits, I have something urgent to tell you.

Angel2: What is up?

Angel3: We must stop Satan from making Adam do all these horrible things.

Angel1: Like what?

Angel3: He is eating the animals, pissing in the rivers, destroying things....

Angel2: But Satan is away on vacation in Purgatory. It's cooler than Hell, I hear.

Angel1: Yeah, I hear he gets a month vacation every billion years in Hell.

Angel3: So if Satan is away, then is Adam responsible for all these evil acts?

Adam: Wazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzup spirit buddies?

Angel2: Enough Adam! I told you we are angels, not ghosts. Stop wearing a white blanket!

Adam: But I'm not Adam.

Ghost1: Shut up!

Some time later, one evening, a gigantic eagle flew down towards Adam and dropped off an object into Adam's hands. "Sweet...the first season of 'The O.C.' on DVD," Adam announced as he waved at the eagle. He added, "I have been thinking...I wanna change my name cause Adam sounds gay. I wanna be George, Michael, Jack,...or Arnold. Also, couldn't we just cut down all these trees and build some stuff, like Gatsby's great house in 'The Great Gatsby'...starring Robert Redford?"

" Oh yeah, and if we could replace that shrine with a huge casino, it would go well with those beer- filled rivers I had asked for...and the Wine Falls, and the red strip clubs." The white eagle suddenly turned back and flew...flew over Adam and headed west.

Adam waved at the eagle and leaned back against an apple tree. "I wonder what that eagle's genitals would taste like," he murmured. Moments later, a beautiful snake appeared from behind the tree. "Adam, to be or not...." Before the snake had a chance to finish, Adam grabbed the snake's head and crushed it against the tree. "Take that!" he pronounced. "Be gone these symbolically homosexual temptations!"

Suddenly an apple fell on Adam's head. "Son of a...," Adam screamed at the tree. However, soon after, Adam wondered why the apple had fallen on his head. He took a step away from the tree. "There is no mistakin'...this is sign of evil." He picked up the apple. "I shall eat thee, and thy evil shall be gone...into my stomach." Just as he was about to take a bite, an angel appeared.

" STOP! Do not eat that apple!" the angel spoke. "Why not?" Adam enquired. "You have been urinating here so often...that apple might poison you," the angel added. Adam laughed and replied: "Be gone...I am sickened of thy advice. I shall eat this, and this, I shall...eat."

Moments later Adam was sick to his stomach. "God, why have thou forsaken me? Why all this evil...I do not deserve this. I blame thee, solely thee, for this," Adam screamed as he rolled over and took another bite of the apple. "Why are thou doing this to me God? What have I done to thou? I never asked to be created. What is this horrible pain I feel?" He rolled over again. "I am in deep shit. Send me a sign that you still care...send me a sign...a sign...send me a sign, thou holiest of...things."

Elsewhere, the following conversation took place:

Angel: Hi. You must be Eve.

Eve: I'm Eva Longoria...you know, from "Desperate Housewives"...Eve for short.

Angel: I don't....

Eve: I was told the show is very popular with angels and other minorities.

Angel: I see.

Eve: Well, where is Adam? He is a white guy, right? Is he Adam Sandler?

Angel: You will find out.

Eve: Let me tell you something though...this is one ugly paradise.

Angel: Adam has destroyed nearly everything.

Eve: You don't say...

Angel: Trees are among the few things left that are reminiscent of the Paradise as we knew it.

Eve: Oh! Do you guys have a gardener here?

Angel: Satan used to do it but he is on vacation or something.

Eve: Can I tell you something?

Angel: You may.

Eve: I expected you to look like one of those spooky ghosts in "The Shining".

The angel looked away and whispered: "I should tell you that you may never see any of us angels again. Our union has broken up, and many of us have been laid off due to privatization. Unfortunately there are no other jobs for good honest spirits. But you and Adam might need us in future...or now. We will come and go, try to help you, unseeable and invisible...to you. Except tonight, which we will spend at Victoria's Secret."

The End

Reader1: Victoria's Secret? That's a mysterious way to end it, ain't it?