A realistic Cinderella
What
I want is someone to share my incompleteness
June 24, 2003
The Iranian
As a girl its hard not to have been infected with the mentality
that one day you will find your prince charming and be ridden off
into the sunset to live happily ever after. From the moment you
are conscious about it, meeting Mr. Right is an aspiration. Whether
aggressively pursued or not, it is always in the back of your mind
that you will meet that one person that completes you.
I have come
to learn that this is bullshit.
No matter how great that initial
feeling, the nights without sleep, the long days filled with daydreaming
about what could be, whether you call it falling in love or falling
in lust, it is not real. There is something so much deeper than
that. No one can complete you, two halves do not make a whole,
salt has to know itself as salt before it can compliment the taste
of pepper.
It's hard for me when I hear of this pesar daayi or that
dokhtar ammeh getting married in Iran. I protect myself by making
snide
remarks like, "So how long have they known each other, two
or three weeks now?" But honestly, deep down, in those parts
of myself that I try to ignore, it makes me very jealous. It makes
me jealous because it seems so much easier over there. Your families
talk, they choose the best candidate, you meet and hope for some
attraction. And if there aren't to many wrinkles in the khaastegaari process, then WHAM, the price is right! You just won yourself
a lifetime partner.
Of course I am very much oversimplifying and there is definitely
a note of sarcasm. My point is, that being
responsible for your own fate, instead of it being in the hands
of your trusted family who hopefully know you well enough to
make a good choice, can be a bitch sometimes. On the other hand,
you can not blame anyone for the outcome if it doesn't turn out
the way you want.
Everyone has heard
the horror stories about arranged marriages, but just like
everything else, it is never black and white. My parents'
marriage was
arranged and they love each other more than anything. I
fear the day when either my mom or dad dies, because I am sure
the other
won't be here much longer. On the other hand, there are
also couples whose marriage wasn't arranged who can not claim
that kind of love after 40 years of being together.
There are
no guarantees, no one can predict the future. Those initial feelings
of love and devotion in a relationship
can
serve as the
foundation for a love that will last a lifetime, or they
can fade away. But how do you know? I suppose that's
the million
dollar
question, how do you know? How can you not be blinded
by the initial intensity? Migan eshgh kooreh, so how can
you promise
to love
someone forever? How can you know that this person will
help you grow, and you will help him grow, for the rest
of your
life?
First, I think you can't really know, because there is
no answer. There are only questions, and in the process
of living
through these doubts, fears, and insecurities with
someone, it is inevitable that you will grow together. Secondly,
I don't think it's a matter of knowing, it's a matter
of choosing.
You can't promise how you will feel in every moment,
but you can promise what you will choose in every moment.
You
can
choose how you will act, and that is really the only
promise you can make.
I don't think that true love, based on respect and
commitment to spiritual growth, ever has to fade.
I believe that
it is possible, fulfilling, and spiritually beneficial
to
experience a committed,
lifetime partnership. It's the ying and the yang,
the alpha and the omega. The sun can not manifest itself
as light
without its opposite, darkness. Someone who challenges
you, who makes
you come face to face with the best and worst aspects
of yourself,
who loves you in spite of all your flaws, that
should be the aspiration,
and there is nothing wrong with that. It's not
the unrealistic Cinderella fantasy of being swept off
my feet to live
happily ever after. What it is, is the desire
to share my life
with someone, to grow old together and cherish
each moment, the
good and the
bad. I don't want someone who can complete me,
only God can do that. What I do want is someone to share
my incompleteness
with.
I think after all the superficial feelings fade,
if both people truly desire a deeper and more
meaningful commitment,
then
there are no obstacles. There are only challenges
that
help you realize
the kind of relationship that you want. It is
a choice not an obligation, and it is not a sacrifice
but
an opportunity to experience
God,
Love, to the fullest degree possible while still
on this earth. Being open to this experience,
being trusting
of another
human
being with my heart and my soul, being giving
and loving and caring are not signs of weakness.  It takes more strength to put your heart
on the line and take a chance than it does to put up barriers
to protect yourself from getting hurt. So I will take the pain
of
disappointment, I will tolerate the tears of sadness, and I will
overcome the fear of loss. But I will not be a victim of circumstance,
I will not pretend to be someone I am not, and I will not apologize
for wanting to find that person whom I choose, and who chooses
me, for better or for worse.
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