Iran under siege
The issue is oil
February 3, 2005
iranian.com
In his State of Union address President Bush was quite transparent on his
views about the regime in Iran and poked the ayatollahs in the eyes. For the
tenth
year in a row Iran's rulers stood to be the top supporters of terrorism
in the world (that makes up for the lack of enough medals in the last
Olympics).
We
hear a lot of noise these days about the imminent attack of the joint US-Israeli
forces on Iran and destruction of suspected
nuclear facilities. With the
rate that everyone is talking about this issue it will end up to be a self-fulfilled
prophesy.
For the regime in Iran the choices are clear and straight forward
-- either Iran will give away more concessions and give the rest
of the oil fields
to those
of the British Petroleum, Shell, Halliburton and Exxon Mobile and agree to
give long-term drilling rights to the British and Americans in
the Caspian Sea, or
hell will break lose and they will attack some fictitious buildings in the
name of nuclear facilities only to create chaos leading to a
possible government change
and then bringing to power their nemeses -- the Persian Cable -- TV owners
of Washington DC!
You see, this happens every time someone else cleans your house:
they misplace things. If theocracy ever leaves Iran and they put
it on the ballot, I would vote to never again allow Ramadan or
Moharram to fall on Farvardin
and ruin our new year. That will satisfy my nationalistic urges for the time
being.
I was pondering on the geopolitical consequences of such attacks and the
degree of devastation of human lives because and as a result of
atomic
radiation that can go as far as Kuala Lumpur and all the way to Memphis,
Tennessee, and the sad thoughts of how as the result of such radioactive
spill even
innocent Israelis may get their mammary glands infected and their children
may end up
drinking contaminated milk! Got milk?
While carrying these dreadful thoughts, another thought jumped into my mercurial
brain but totally unrelated. What is the real truth behind these on-line
dating websites? You wonder what the hell is going on with me? Well, yes
I admit my
brain has this so called pre-matured Alzheimer activities and while I am
focusing on something very important another subject pops in and takes over.
So let's
talk about these on-line dating sites before I go through another episode.
What is quite amusing and you only have to be a single to realize the intensity
of it is the way people introduce themselves and the way they write their
profile on these dating websites. First, they mostly list themselves as "spiritual"
for their religion. Which is another way to say, I don't care about religion.
Otherwise what does spiritual mean? Does it mean they communicate with spirits,
or worship spirits? No, it basically means they don't go to church and
do not eat kosher and they don't celebrate this imam's birthday and
that imam's "death date" and are unattached and ready to be
converted in exchange for a piece of love. But yes, they know how to use
chopsticks.
Additionally, on those websites we have to deal with the issue of disclosure
in truth and whether one smokes or drinks and indulges in social drugs. Why
do they always ask these questions about smoking and drinking? How come they
don't
ask if one prefers using condom or if they use anti-perspirant or just deodorant
or how often they take showers? When you read responses you will notice that
most people say they don't smoke and that is good news and let's
leave it at that.
But as for questions about drinking, that is what gets
me. Some say that they drink as a "delicacy" others say they drink "socially",
while quite a few say they drink with "dinner"! Baby you are an alcoholic
and you just don't know it! What do you mean by "drinking socially?" Do
you think the girl or the guy who smokes crack does it to be a hermit?
No, she does it "socially" too. Or take another answer -drinking
with "dinner"
Oh
yes I have been doing that in the past thirty years too and that is only
because
social obligations do not allow me drinking with breakfast and lunch as
well.
That's when it will become hard to draw the line. For example, one is not
necessarily in search of someone who responds to question of drinking as
"never" as any Pakistani zealot would do but it also makes you wonder when
they say,
"drinking
socially." I mean take a look at what happened to the former Soviet Union
as the result of social drinking! Did you ever see him say, "Hello my name
is Nikita Khrushchev and I am an alcoholic?" That just doesn't happen
until after the honeymoon and one finds out that the newly found mate is
a closet-chain-smoker or a "spiritual" ready to bust your nuts if you say
that
you don't
give a damn about Dariush's songs.
Now, if these on-line websites were in Iran most likely they would have
to add questions and possible answers that fit that society such as:
Do you Smoke opium? Socially, as a delicacy, occasionally
Indulge in hashish? Often, with dinner, in parties,
after school only
Drinking methane alcohol (the one we used to
use in cheragh zanboori)? Never, as a delicacy, in formal weddings
only
Sniffing glue? Frequently, religiously, socially
Beat your ex-wife? Often, only when food was
cold, sporadically
Smoking cigarettes? After each meal, six packs
a day, chain-smoker, intravenous as a delicacy
Do you use vajebee? Occasionally, socially,
as a means of political expression;
Do you go outdoors with your pajamas? Often,
occasionally, for grocery shopping only
Do you believe in Seegheh at first sight? Yes,
often, may be. I mean I don't
know, I am just an eternal pessimist in search of happiness and fairness and
in the words of the late Johnny Carson "if life was fair,
Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." So please
don't pay attention to what I say. My Utopia and Nirvana is the place that
everyone posts on the dating websites pictures of themselves that are no
more than 5 years old for god sake. I put a search for a 38 to 44 year
old female
and I get faces that are 30! Is that a miracle or is it because they did
not have time to take a picture in the past ten years?
Leave a little for a surprise
but don't shock me to death. And for some of those girls who list themselves
as Muslim then what are all those semi-naked photos for? No wonder Fidel
Castro was quoted in Keyhan of 1979, as saying "if we knew Islamic Revolution
was so great we would have done exactly that and not a Communist Revolution."
Which
basically what he meant was that instead of sharing, we prefer to have polygamy
as well.
And as for the attacks on Iran, do you remember Khomeini used to say, "Amrika
hitch ghalatee nemeetavand bokonad", (America can not do a damn thing)?
Well he was just kidding and that was just for domestic consumption, why
were you so naive to believe him? While he was repeating those slogans they
unleashed
Iraq on Iran for ten years and now they can give the green light to Israel.
As we say in Persian, "a yellow dog is coyote's brother."
 If U.S. carries an attack on Iran,
people will do to them what they did with the Greeks, Mongols, the Arabs
and all the other invaders! No, they won't
kill them. Iranians don't kill their invaders, instead they smile at them,
invite them to their houses, feed them and win their hearts and assimilate
them to the Iranian culture. Once they learn our ways and are fully addicted
to Ghormeh
sabzee and Fesenjune (which I insist to call it Pheasant June to make a better
impression on those hot dates), eventually they will submit to our way of
life which means to have at least 50 holidays per year in addition to work
slow-down
and tardiness and once they convert, we will then send them to the lands
far away to spread the words. Who can prove that we are not the offspring
of those
Greeks and Arabs and Mongols here in the west spreading the words of gospel?
Feeling like an Arian and being one is not the same.
It may take us a couple of centuries here and there to change them but no
we don't kill innocent Americans who went to school with our children or
us.
And just because they could not afford better lifestyle and jobs they ended
up joining the army. If they knew better they would never join the military.
Have
you seen a Senator or a Congressman's son fighting the enemy abroad lately?
Neither the American soldiers nor the Iraqis or the Iranians none are barbaric,
they are all trained to lose their humanity for a period of time when they
face the enemy and they will do their job and what they are ordered to do.
But Iranians
are not killers and nor are the American people. But oil companies, well
that is a different story.
To close the case, the issue is oil. Sign away concessions
or else, and when a government is corrupt they always make the wrong choices.
And as for people
they always lose big, what I mean is take a look at the sad truth, Saddam
is still alive and shaves everyday and reads books I would not be surprised
that
he has access to a Nintendo game or a backgammon too, and is allowed to think.
But people of Iraq are dying and American soldiers are dying and all in the
name of food for oil then and war for oil now.
If the British really want to have democracy in Iran, they better close their
embassy and get the hell out of Iran as well. You will be amazed how things
will change. Put Iran under economic sanction and do not advocate an invasion
of Iran.
We did not bring the Islamic regime to power, the British did and if they
don't like them they are welcome to change them. Leave our innocent people
alone.  By
the way, if Iran is ever attacked, I tell you where is the safest building
in Tehran, the National Oil Company Headquarter. That place will
not get bombed,
the British don't want any delay in the flow of oil. Same thing happened
in Baghdad, they destroyed every government building and museums but kept the
oil headquarter intact! You read it hear first.
Author
Farrokh A. Ashtiani is the founder of PersianParadise.com
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