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Royal openings
Join the court of Asghar Shah

By Asghar Agha
March 14, 2001
The Iranian

As part of the activites of Our newly formed Empire of Eye-Ran, Tajikistan and Uzbekistan, maa eraadeh kardeem and We are sending out the following farmaan to all of our subjects.

We have the following job openings. Forward your resume and we shall mansoob you, should you be deemed worthy of service to Us. (Remember: khodaa, shaah, mihan - so We are next in line to khodaa.) Qualified applicants only. No telephone calls. We are trying to be an equal-opportunity, affirmative-action employer.

This is Our first time trying to form an empire. If We make some kharaab-kaari here and there, give Us a break. What's a few million people and a couple of billion dollars among friends? maa Asghar Shaah, Shaah-e Shaahaan, are trying to learn on the job - unfortunately We was born zireh botteh and not in the court of royalty.

nedaayeh gheyb: Get a life insurance policy Asghar AghA. momkeneh hamin emrooz fardaa terror beshi mardikeh - baskeh dar kaareh digaraan foozooli mikoni!


Position: Malekeh

Description: Queen Latifa might be a good fit but she talks too much. We need a malekeh keh har chi begam begeh "chashm" (beh jaaneh ammeh hendooneh ghasam this is an impossible feat with khaanoomaa-ye irooni :-)

Position: Raeeseh darbaar

Description: digeh description nadaareh. har cheh maa gofteem va eraadeh kardeem eeshoon baayaad begooyand "baleh ghorbaan! saheeh ast! albatteh!"

Position: Ma'shugheh

Description: shhh! beh malakeh chizi nagin-haa! yeh khoobesho biyaarin, sefid mefid, topol mopol, hoolooyeh poost kandeh!

Position: Ashpaz-baashi

Description: hameh chiz baayad bepazeh. Tiraamisoo, Big Mac, egz-benedikt va az een chizaa. faqat roodel behemoon nadeh. vagarnah daaresh meezaneem.

Position: Noojoom-baashi

Description: I need my horoscope every day and night. If Nassereddin Shah had listened to his noojoom-baashi, Mirza-Reza Kermani would not have nailed him va in hammeh shaazdeh yateem nemishodan. How do I know? Khodam tooyeh filmeh soltaaneh saahab-gharaan didam.

Position: Vazir-e Aval

Description: See raeeseh darbaar .

Position: Vazir-e Doyyom

Description: See Vazir-e Aval.

Position: Vazir-e Seyyom

Description: see Vazir-e Doyyom.

Position: Gholaam

Description: Must have a nice large halgheh beh goosh. Also see Vazir-e Seyyom.

Position: Nokar

Description: See Vazir-e Aval.

Position: Jaarchi

Description: Must announce everytime I have an eraadeh yaa efaadeh. Must be good at issuing press releases and cherto-pert neveshtan va maast-maali kardan. HTML authoring capability preferred.

Position: Khazaanehdaar

Description: Collects taxes. Collects bribes. Takes people's daar-o-nadaar, gives them to me and my siblings so we can do as we please. See Vazir-e Aval for further detail.

Position: Hakim-baashi

Description: mareez shodim behemoon gol-gaav zaboon tajveez mikoneh. Proctologists need not apply.

Position: Malijak

Description: See Gholaam. faghat vaghti az dasteh malekeh yaa ma'shougheh khasteh shodeem eraadeh mikonim va bar sareh malijak dastee mikeshim!

Position: Motreb

Description: hey bezaneh va bekhooneh keh hoseleyeh ghebleyeh aalam (ya'ni maa) sar nareh!

Position: Raqaasseh

Description: khoob gher bedeh keh ghebleyeh aalam khosheshoon biyaad.

Position: Sha'ban Bimokh

Description: bereh har kasi ro keh foozooli kard heesaabi moshtomaal bedeh.

Position: Morabbi-ye Eski

Description: Wakes me up from the couch and takes me up the mountain. agar oftaadeem khodesho beh jaayeh doshak bendaazeh zamin keh maa-tahteh homayooni dard nagireh.

Position: Haramsaraa

Description: To manage all my wives and concubines. If Nssereddin Shah had one, so should I. hamooni keh oon daasht maa ham daareem.

Position: Mas'ooleh maashin-e joojeh-keshi

Description: maa agheedeh beh protection nadaareem va nemisheh folaaneh ghebleyeh aalam ro tooyeh nylon-mylon peecheed.


esfand maah-e 2560 shaahan-shaahi
Asghar Shah
(mohr-o emzaa)

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