The flip side
Moving Iran to America
January 13, 2004
The Iranian
You may have heard already that the Iranian government
is considering moving the capital from Tehran, due to the high
probability of an earthquake in the city of 12+ million. This is
nothing new; there have been various similar proposals circulating
for at least 30 years. Maybe the devastation of the Bam earthquake
will
finally
make it a reality though.
But looking at the global
map below and where the earthquake belt is, there aren't many
places in Iran that is much safer, so I have come up with a better
solution:
Instead
of moving Tehran, let's move Iran! I have studied
various options available (east coast of Australia, Western Europe,
Brazil,
etc.) and already selected the area depicted in the map; south
eastern corner of the U.S. is most suitable. Here are some of the
benefits of such a move:
1. If we flip the current map of Iran,
it will fit perfectly in that corner and still retain the "resting
cat" shape, although
this time it will be facing east which can be explained as "having
an eye on the past", making it easier to sell the idea to
the masses.
2.
No earthquakes in Iran ever again.
3. The current location of Iran will be handed over
to the U.S. to connect the 51st state (Afghanistan) with the 52nd
(Iraq) and finally get
all the oil they ever wanted. Historical sites will be destroyed
to fit the new history that this area was "discovered" by
the Europeans and no civilized people ever lived there. 4.
Carl Rove and co. can appoint Reza Pahlavi as the new king
there, returning him to his father's palace along with his 200
supporters who already carry U.S. citizenship anyways.
5. The U.S. will
finally get rid of most of the troubled "south",
including all of Georgia, Alabama, Tennessee, Mississippi, Florida
Panhandle (no more election issues, we'll leave the rest of Florida
for future "New Cuba") and South Carolina, plus parts
of Louisiana (we'll get Baton Rouge and New Orleans, they keep
Lafayette), Kentucky and North Carolina.
6. We'll gain plenty of golf courses in the Carolinas
and beaches on the Gulf of Mexico which allows us to rename it
the Gulf of Persia.
7.
KFC -- Kurdish Fried Chicken -- will enjoy partial
autonomy and expand its menu to include savory lamb and veal
dishes.
8.
Tennessee's Al Gore will officially become Iranian. We'll teach
him dancing baba-karam to loosen him up.
9. The U.S. will not lose any cities that actually
matter; Atlanta
will
be
renamed New
Tehran.
10. Coca-Cola will become a subsidiary of ZamZam-Cola.
11. We'll rename Mardi-Gras to Mameh-Gah (like Namayeshgah),
a place to showcase the bare breasts of men and women.
12.
We'll own CNN! (and immediately fire Amanpour for her
Khatami interview.)
13. U.S. will still retain enough
states/land suitable for developing more trailer parks for
displaced
former
southern residents
-- those with dark-pink regions behind the ears.
They include, Arkansas, Oklahoma and of course W's home state of
Texas.
In order to achieve this, we need immediate plans for relocation.
Atlanta already has a good base of Iranians and those in Houston,
Dallas and Oklahoma should move to the new Iran immediately. Then
it's time for California Iranians (all but 20 of them are
officially "Persian")
to move there.
In the third phase of the great exodus, the U.S. will open
a consulate on Kish Island, so all Iranian citizens can obtain
a 3-year work visa (as per W's new ridiculous plan) on their
next trip to the island in order buy garments made in Karaj but
labeled
Italian. Within 10 years, a complete transfer of people has
taken place and many problems are solved for both sides. What
do you think?
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