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The flip side
Moving Iran to America

January 13, 2004
The Iranian

You may have heard already that the Iranian government is considering moving the capital from Tehran, due to the high probability of an earthquake in the city of 12+ million. This is nothing new; there have been various similar proposals circulating for at least 30 years. Maybe the devastation of the Bam earthquake will finally make it a reality though.

But looking at the global map below and where the earthquake belt is, there aren't many places in Iran that is much safer, so I have come up with a better solution:

Instead of moving Tehran, let's move Iran! I have studied various options available (east coast of Australia, Western Europe, Brazil, etc.) and already selected the area depicted in the map; south eastern corner of the U.S. is most suitable. Here are some of the benefits of such a move:

1. If we flip the current map of Iran, it will fit perfectly in that corner and still retain the "resting cat" shape, although this time it will be facing east which can be explained as "having an eye on the past", making it easier to sell the idea to the masses.

2. No earthquakes in Iran ever again.

3. The current location of Iran will be handed over to the U.S. to connect the 51st state (Afghanistan) with the 52nd (Iraq) and finally get all the oil they ever wanted. Historical sites will be destroyed to fit the new history that this area was "discovered" by the Europeans and no civilized people ever lived there.

4. Carl Rove and co. can appoint Reza Pahlavi as the new king there, returning him to his father's palace along with his 200 supporters who already carry U.S. citizenship anyways.

5. The U.S. will finally get rid of most of the troubled "south", including all of Georgia, Alabama, Tennessee, Mississippi, Florida Panhandle (no more election issues, we'll leave the rest of Florida for future "New Cuba") and South Carolina, plus parts of Louisiana (we'll get Baton Rouge and New Orleans, they keep Lafayette), Kentucky and North Carolina.

6. We'll gain plenty of golf courses in the Carolinas and beaches on the Gulf of Mexico which allows us to rename it the Gulf of Persia.

7. KFC -- Kurdish Fried Chicken -- will enjoy partial autonomy and expand its menu to include savory lamb and veal dishes.

8. Tennessee's Al Gore will officially become Iranian. We'll teach him dancing baba-karam to loosen him up.

9. The U.S. will not lose any cities that actually matter; Atlanta will be renamed New Tehran.

10. Coca-Cola will become a subsidiary of ZamZam-Cola.

11. We'll rename Mardi-Gras to Mameh-Gah (like Namayeshgah), a place to showcase the bare breasts of men and women.

12. We'll own CNN! (and immediately fire Amanpour for her Khatami interview.)

13. U.S. will still retain enough states/land suitable for developing more trailer parks for displaced former southern residents -- those with dark-pink regions behind the ears. They include, Arkansas, Oklahoma and of course W's home state of Texas.

In order to achieve this, we need immediate plans for relocation. Atlanta already has a good base of Iranians and those in Houston, Dallas and Oklahoma should move to the new Iran immediately. Then it's time for California Iranians (all but 20 of them are officially "Persian") to move there.

In the third phase of the great exodus, the U.S. will open a consulate on Kish Island, so all Iranian citizens can obtain a 3-year work visa (as per W's new ridiculous plan) on their next trip to the island in order buy garments made in Karaj but labeled Italian. Within 10 years, a complete transfer of people has taken place and many problems are solved for both sides. What do you think?

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By Pedram Moallemian

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