From the edge
Asylum speakers news, a radio sketch show
in progress
May 10, 2005
iranian.com
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PRESENTER: And now the news.
ANCHOR: An Iranian asylum seeker has been arrested
in Newton Stewart, south-west Scotland, after he was spotted swimming
in the River
Cree dressed as a salmon.
Dumfries and Galloway police have confirmed
that forty-three year-old Ali Mahizadeh, was reeled in this morning
by fisherman
who said
they were shocked when he “unzipped his costume and asked
for food flakes”.
Mr Mahizadeh has been refused legal aid
on grounds that he is a fish.
He is being detained in an aquarium.
A Home Office spokesman said
there may be more asylum seekers in British waters.
ASYLUM SPEAKERS DIARY
PRESENTER: And now, Ali Farmani, an asylum-seeker
in Finsbury Park in London sends us one of his Post-its From
the Edge.
FARMANI: Ten a.m. Today I will look for a cash-in-hand
job. But with The Albion B&B as my address my chances are slim.
I share a room with Miroslav, a Muslim from Eastern Europe who
recites
verse from the Koran every afternoon and dialogue from an Albanian
soap opera in his sleep.
Yesterday he spent several hours with
his face in his pillow after learning that his pet goat Abel had
died. It was the first time
a human suffocated a pillow.
Miroslav is a slim, good-looking blond
chap with designer stubble. He is a little glum, but he does spend
hours of his youth stuck
in a room with a 53-year-old who snores.
PAUSE
Two pm. I go to Best Bagel Bakery and ask for a job. They
say ‘Have you
got experience?’ I say ‘For £2.50 an hour! You wouldn’t
ask a slave “Have you experience of chain and balls?” I’ve
eaten bagels -- is that not enough?’ They show me the door. Perhaps
I should be more humble next time. What the hell, they probably pay with those
old coins with a hole in them.
Bagel money.
PAUSE
Three pm. I bump into Miroslav outside McDonalds on a bench
munching a Big Mac. He says ‘I know a man who can make your
large meal extra large without extra cost‘. It’s good
to have connections, I say.
I am reading a book, I tell him, which
says burgers are likely to contain body parts of low-paid workers.
They fall into vats
and their arms are torn off. ‘I
know the book,’ he says. ‘But that’s America. The UK has
better labour laws. And fewer Mexicans.’
We get talking, he’s still
hung up about his goat. Apparently an uncle of his left it to him in his
will. His brother got the camcorder.
PAUSE
Four p.m. Miroslav and I go window shopping in the job centre -- what
can you do with no work permit?
“Forklift truck driver with experience, trainee cleaner,
inserter of jam into doughnuts, warehouse assistant -- enthusiasm
a must.”
We are spoilt for choice.
 PAUSE
How could you express your enthusiasm for working in a warehouse? “I
come from a family of crate-lifters. My father was crate-lifting champion
of Azerbaijan. I like to break my back.”
Miroslav says when
we can finally work his friend can get me a job in McDonald’s.
I’ll remember to wear a suit for the interview. Why don’t
you go for the job, I say. It’ll take your mind off the goat.
He looks at me angrily and leaves.
PAUSE
Four-thirty p.m. It turns out the goat was a decoy for worse
news. Apparently Miroslav’s great aunt has testicular cancer.
An incorrect translation, I hope.
Five p.m. Back in the room I
try to cheer Miroslav up by reminding him he is twenty years younger
than me and has a great future. But
I am not
sure
he appreciated
me as a gauge for his achievements. After all, the boy has dreams.
Maybe one day he’ll make it to Hollywood. They are always looking
to fill those crowd scenes.
I suggest this to him. He punches my nose.
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