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Waiting for Hasan
Asylum speakers news, a radio sketch show
in progress
May 11, 2005
iranian.com Part 3 Part
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Scene 1
Ext. Night -- DESERTED GAS STATION
PRESENTER: Jimi and Sam, two refugees from Iran
are at a disused petrol station somewhere in eastern Turkey expecting
a people-smuggler
to take them to Istanbul on the next leg of their journey to the
UK. They are -- Waiting for Hasan.
ICY WIND BLOWS
SAM: Aghh! It’s freezing.
JIMI: Well, if we get caught we’ll say
we’re snowmen.
SAM: If we get caught count yourself lucky we’ll be warm.
JIMI: With Turkish cops. Have you seen Midnight Express?
PAUSE
JIMI: Your friend Hasan, what does he look like?
SAM: What does it matter what he looks like?
JIMI: Tall, fat, juicy?
SAM: He’s slim Jimi, very thin, you can’t eat him.
JIMI: I don’t want to eat him.
SAM: What difference does it make what he looks like?
JIMI: I have to recognise him
SAM: No need. I know who he is.
JIMI: And if you are asleep?
SAM:We’ll lose him in the throng.
CHILLY WIND BLOWS
JIMI: Let’s go back to Iran, I have a bad feeling about
this.
SAM: And tell the border guards what? We took a day trip to Turkey?
They’ll think we are homosexuals -- If we get caught
remember to point out we are smugglers.
JIMI: Why?
SAM: We’re less likely to get hanged.
JIMI: Sam, you are a real comfort.
ASYLUM SPEAKERS THE RADIO
PHONE-IN
SMITHY: Twenty-eight minutes to 11. Are refugees terrorists?
Let’s
go straight to your calls. Ali in Acton.
CALLER: (MIDDLE EAST’ ACCENT) Smithy hello I am Ali.
SMITHY: Hello Ali what would you like to say?
CALLER: (RAISES VOICE) I am Ali.
SMITHY: We can hear you Ali, make your point.
CALLER: Yesterday I went to supermarket.
SMITHY: You went to what?
CALLER: Tesco. I went there to buy egg.
SMITHY: You went to Tesco to ‘buy egg’. Right, of
what interest do you think that could be to people listening?
CALLER: I bought flower as well.
SMITHY: You bought a flower?
CALLER: No, not flower -- flowerr. With egg to make cake.
SMITHY: You bought flour. What’s this got to do with terrorism?
CALLER: Well, I left the flour in the shop.
SMITHY: Why?
CALLER: Well, I thought if I buy things to make cake and police
catch me, they will think I am terrorist.
SMITHY: If they talk to you they might think you’re bonkers,
but why would they think you’re a terrorist Ali?
CALLER: You see, the flour it looks like anthrax.
SMITHY: (PATIENTLY) Okay... the flour looked
like anthrax. So you left it in the shop. What did you do with
the eggs Ali?
CALLER: I cook omelette.
WAITING FOR HASAN
PRESENTER: And now Waiting for
Hasan.
SOUND OF CRICKETS AT NIGHT
JIMI: What time is it?
SAM: I don’t know.
JIMI: You’ve got a watch.
SAM: It’s in my pocket.
JIMI: Well get it out.
SAM: It’s too cold.
JIMI: It’s okay, I’ll do it.
SAM: What are you doing?
JIMI:You said your watch is --
SAM: It’s in my pocket.
JIMI: So let me get it.
SAM: Get away, what are you doing?
JIMI: What’s this?
SAM: What’s what?
JIMI: This?
SAM: It’s mine.
JIMI: You’ve gotta banana! You never told me.
SAM: It’s for emergency.
JIMI: We’re supposed to trust each other!
SAM: And trust is broken by a banana!
JIMI: Have you got any more?
SAM: Yes, there’s another banana up my sleeve.
JIMI: Get it out.
SAM: It’s a joke.
JIMI: Let me see.
SAM: Stop it.
JIMI: What’s this?
SAM: My arm.
JIMI: Hold on take off your jacket.
SAM: It’s too cold.
JIMI: Take it off.
SAM: Okay, okay.
JIMI: A parsnip! You devil! Why are you carrying
a parsnip?
SAM: In case.
JIMI: In case we see some rabbits!
SAM: Rabbits don’t eat parsnip.
JIMI: What do they eat?
SAM: Carrots.
JIMI: What’s up your leg, fillet of lamb?
SAM: No. A banana and asparagus.
JIMI: You should open a restaurant.
PAUSE
SAM: Hey Jimi...
JIMI: What?
JIMI: It’s quarter to one...
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