 Exploring
Mars?
Try Sha'abdolazim first!
By Behrouz Joon
January 15, 2004
iranian.com
I've been splattered by a deluge of "fan" mail
(some of my fans were even kind enough to mention my mother and
sister in their emails. . . though for the record I don't have
a
sister, their kindness has not gone unappreciated). Some fans even
used words I had to look up in my Loghatnameyeh Shoofer Taxi --
Unabridged Edition!
There was some criticism of my sophomoric (please
note my shameless attempt to sound sophisticated) humor. Motivated
by a new sense of
purpose and a 3-week supply of anti-psychotic medication, I have
decided to tackle a serious issue.
In recent news I've been following
President Bush's speech on space exploration very closely (as I
am frequently spaced
out at work, I have a vested interest in hearing his position on
the topic). President Bush has outlined a plan to spend $11 billion
in the next five years to send researchers to the moon, and eventually
Mars.
While the news has caused the space exploration community
to reach for their collective crotch in unabashed excitement, I
have some
thoughts on the topic (I also have some thoughts on the plight
of the Sumatran Catfish but that topic is too painful and personal
for
me to discuss in such an open forum).
The news that America
is going to spend $11 billion to explore Mars was shocking to me! Why
should we spend that kind of money to go to a dry, dusty and remote
place that is to yield very little in terms of exploratory
value?
I mean if we are going to explore dry, dusty and
remote locations why not start with the road from Sha'abdolazim
to Qom?!
I
know few have considered this idea before, but consider the genius
of such a program! I mean if we're going to explore places
to inhabit why not start with this planet, for pennies on the dollar?!
Furthermore, if we need to have "stuff" for scientists
to conduct research on, they could start by trying to identify
the contents of the bubbling goo at any number of Kaleh Pazi restaurants
on the roadside between Sha'abdolazim and Qom (a mystery that
has kept me up many cold winter nights).
I am so excited by the sheer genius of my idea that
I'm firing off an email to the White House (hopefully they've removed
me from their Spam list this week.)
In light of recent developments in Iran (see
previous article, "Preemptive
strike", "Ammeh
Soghra of all people!"), I nominate my Ammeh Soghrah
(who needs an income since her revolutionary
stipend was unjustly taken from her) as a goodwill ambassador
for the project (if Ayatollah Rafsanjani is qualified to be the
head
of the Expediency Council then my Ammeh Soghra is certainly qualified
to be the head of the Sha'abdolazim/Qom Exploration Committee.)
In closing (and in anticipation of fan mail), I leave you with
words of wisdom from my uncle Akbargholi who once astutely observed,
"Some
people take life so seriously that the sound of their own fart
offends them!"
Author
After being born in "Eye
Ran",
and growing up "bi-cultural" on three different continents
(a kinky way to say I'm mentally confused and emotionally screwed
up) Behrouz Joon (my stealthy nom de plume) lives and practices
law (which means I'm still practicing and haven't gotten it right
yet!) in the San Francisco Bay Area. His hobbies include subjecting
the world to his tasteless and juvenile humor! Vist his weblog.
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Exploring
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