THE IRANIAN
Horrorscope
Week of Oct 24, 1997 - Aban 2, 1376
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Send your Horrorscope predictions to jj@iranian.com
Farvardin/Aries | Ordibehesht/Taurus | Khordad/Gemini | Tir/Cancer | Mordad/Leo | Shahrivar/Virgo | Mehr/Libra | Aban/Scorpio | Azar/Sagittarius | Dey/Capricorn | Bahman/Aquarius | Esfand/Pisces
Past predictions
Farvardin/Aries (March 21-April 19)
You will go to Iran to meet the girl chosen by your parents to be your future bride in America. She's beautiful, kind and caring, has a medical degree, a mansion in Saltanatabad, speaks English, plays the piano, cooks better than your mother, is a tennis champion, knows the capital of Gabon, and campaigns to save Shomal's rain forests. You have a Green Card and no chance in hell.
Send your Horrorscope predictions to jj@iranian.com
Ordibehesht/Taurus (April 20-May 20)
After weeks of research and discussion with your wife, family, friends and scholars, you will finally come up with a name for your son, a name free of all Arab and Islamic influences: Changiz Eskandari.
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Khordad/Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You will run into Reza Pahlavi at a gas station. You feel sorry for him especially after recent reports that he has declared bankruptcy. You offer him financial assistance. "I'll pay for that nose job anytime, Your Majesty."
Send your Horrorscope predictions to jj@iranian.com
Tir/Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You will open your new restaurant, guaranteed to attract non-Iranians: Hossein's Mediterranean Kaleh Pacheh.
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Mordad/Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
You will join a group of friends for dinner at a restaurant. You talk about the good old days in Iran. You get nostalgic. You start humming "Ey Iran". Your friends join in, singing together: "Ey Iran ey marz-e por gohar, ey khaakat sarcheshmeh-ye honar door az to...reem reem raa raam... Hey Jude..."
Send your Horrorscope predictions to jj@iranian.com
Shahrivar/Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
You will buy Salman Rushdie's latest blockbuster: "What's Cookin' Hashemi? The Secret Recipes of Akbar Hashemi Rafsanjani".
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Mehr/Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Your English professor will express surprise that you keep producing superb analytical papers on T.S. Eliot, given the fact that you've skipped most of his classes and the only words you've ever uttered is "Okay," "I don't know" and "Sorry, Mr. Professor, my English no good."
Send your Horrorscope predictions to jj@iranian.com
Aban/Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
You will read in the papers that senior Iranian officials have been diagnosed with an unknown disease caused by an intestinal worm. Scientists name the disease ADAS or "Alfonse D'Amato Syndrome" because of the worm's uncanny resemblance to the esteemed U.S. senator from New York.
Send your Horrorscope predictions to jj@iranian.com
Azar/Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
You will buy Laila Foroohar's latest CD: "Googoosh bemeeree elaahi" .
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Dey/Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
You will read in the papers that Masoud and Maryam Rajavi will resign as leaders of the Mojahedin and move to Palm Beach. And after a bloody internal power struggle, Marziyeh will take over.
Send your Horrorscope predictions to jj@iranian.com
Bahman/Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Aquarians are known to be super intelligent, peace-loving internationalists. However, you may be one of those few unfortunate Aquarians, like Old Ronnie Reagan. Remember him? He's the one who said he would "nuke" Tehran if the beardie-weirdies refused to release the U.S. hostages. If you display any of Ronnie's characteristics, you might consider changing your birth date and joining one of the less intelligent signs. (From: Katayoun Jarrah-Layegh katy-j@jnocld.japanglobe.net)
Send your Horrorscope predictions to jj@iranian.com
Esfand/Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)
You will continue to be baffled by those who question your character and outlook on humanity, despite the fact that you always, always, ALWAYS pray for peace, happiness and prosperity for all human beings (except mollas, Arabs, Turks, Lors, Jews, Bahais, Blacks, Mexicans, everyone east of Yazd all the way to and including Southeast Asia, those without money, power and influence and...).
Send your Horrorscope predictions to jj@iranian.com
Related links
* Past Horrorscopes: Oct
10, Oct
17
* THE IRANIAN Satire
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