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What a shame
Looting of the oldest "dildo" from Baghdad Museum

May 8, 2003
The Iranian

I'm appalled and disgusted by the United States' lack of concern and chaotic planing that resulted in the looting of Baghdad's National Museum. I'm appalled and disgusted because, first of all, it's hip and cool to be appalled and disgusted nowadays. But most importantly, I found out that looters took some of the most priceless items going back to original humans, the first human society and the first ever-known civilization. What a shame.

Now, pots and pans, I can do without and broken statues of great kings don't do much for me -- but I was disappointed to hear that the oldest "dildo" ever made by mankind was also taken from the museum by the looters. I shit you not.

It turns out that the object (a smooth, long, straight cylinder with a round head) which was discovered at a site near the city of Basra, is believed to be the oldest dildo ever found. It goes back to two thousand years before the birth of Christ.

The size of the object was so impressive that a large section of the museum was set-aside just to display IT. Those who visited the museum before the looting and saw the THING testified that it resembled "King Kong on Viagra".

For years scientists, archeologists, and anthropologists pondered over the true nature and use of the mysterious object. Until one day a janitor was in the room while a heated discussion was taking place about the offending THING. The janitor, impressed with it's size, said, "Damn, I thought I was big!"

And that was the moment of discovery of the first ever, ever, ever dildo made by any civilization in the history of mankind.

Why is this important? you ask. I tell you why. Because the dildo is the most ingenious instrument ever created by man. The only tool used by wives and girlfriends that makes them shut up for thirty minutes while we're watching sports. That is an irreplaceable piece of human history that needs to be cherished.

But to add insult to injury, the oldest "condom" ever found, was also taken from the museum. It turns out that there was an outbreak of a sexually transmitted disease among fifth century Ottoman sultans. Women of the sultan's harem were MACKIN' it with caretakers and commoners while the sultan was busy conquering neighboring countries.

The outbreak was so severe that some sultans' "ding dongs" became unusable and had to be cut off. Ottoman scholars were pulled from important research -- such as how to sock it to Lawrence of Arabia while hanging upside down from the ceiling -- and were ordered to find a device that would protect the sultan from diseases contracted by wild orgies in the harem. There you have it ladies and gentlemen; the first condom was born.

I can not express my disappointment with the Bush Administration for its lack of understanding of other cultures. Did I tell you how appalled and disgusted I was?

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