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Beamer survey
Is it true that BMW owners have sex average 2.3 times per week?

August 12, 2004

We all have moments of epiphany and rude awakenings in our lives, a sudden leap of understanding that hits us like a brick.  Moments that force us question common wisdom and everyday beliefs. While flipping through the pages of a car magazine, the other day, I came across a piece of news that answered my most trying question in life.

"Do you know that BMW drivers have more sex than owners of any other cars? ... A new German car magazine has just found out this most interesting revelation! The German magazine 'Men's Car' found in a survey of 2,253 motorists aged 20 to 50 published in its inaugural May issue that male BMW drivers say they have sex average 2.3 times per week."

I realized at that moment that my shortage of dynamic sexual affairs and less than ideal sex life is not because of my lack of personality or unpleasant character, but my damn car. That's right; my 1991 Isuzu pickup truck was costing me not only a smooth ride but also great sex. It all made sense. What a relief. And I thought it was me.

Come to think of it, I've noticed satisfying grins on faces of my BMW-driving friends, which has been probably the result of their secretive "2.3 times per week" sex life. Now I understand why they are always exhausted or why they mysteriously disappear for a day or two every week.

But at the same time I certainly couldn't trust a survey, especially one that's done by a German car magazine. I mean, I can recall reading about a survey that Germans conducted in 1940 which concluded, "Hitler is the gentlest leader in Europe's history." Or who can forget the German survey that concluded, "Michael Jackson is a white Aryan man trapped in a white American woman's body."

So I decided to conduct my own survey to check the validity of the German's results. Since I associate with a good number of Iranians in my hometown, finding BMW owners who are willing to participate in my scientific survey was not a difficult task. As a matter of fact I had to think hard to find a friend who does not own a BMW other than me.

So in a massive email campaign, I confronted my BMW-driving friends, co-workers, family and associates with the following question: Is it true that BMW owners have sex average 2.3 times per week? Here are some of the responses:

* Since purchasing my 330ic I haven't noticed any changes in my sex life, but my dog is certainly looking at me differently.

* Hey, man, I'm married and I need more than a BMW to get some from my wife. Maybe a private jet!

* Car has nothing to do with luring women into your bed. Try drugs. That works every time.

* 2.3 Per week my ass? I'm lucky if I get that per year! Maybe I got the wrong model!

* So it's my Beamer, and all this time I thought it was because of my good looks.

* I have not gotten laid since I bought my BMW. I think I have a better chance in those boxy xB cars with a bed in the back.

* My BMW has not helped my sex life; however it has managed to get me two speeding tickets, higher insurance premium rate and a monthly payment that can buy me a three-bedroom house.

* My BMW has got me laid once, if sleeping with my roommate's drunken girlfriend in the garage of her dad's house counts.

* It is true that BMW owners get laid more. Just ask my local drugstore how many packs of condoms I buy in a week and ask the bouncer at my regular hang out how many chicks get in my car between Thursdays and Sunday. It's not the BMW, it's the BMW state of mind that gets you girls. Oops, I'm out of condoms; gotta go.

* Yeah, I am surprised it took a survey to figure it out. Maybe they should have saved themselves a lot of time and just asked me.

* Of course it's true, not that I'm bragging or anything. By the way, CNN and MSNBC have reported the same thing so there is no doubt the results are correct.

* Bullshit. Women in this time and age are more sophisticated than to go in bed with a guy just because he owns a BMW. Now a Ferrari is a whole different story.

* I'm bringing down the BMW average. I don't recall what a naked woman looks like.

* Notice that the survey was done in Europe. European women jump in bed with anybody even if he drives a tricycle.

* That's exactly what my BMW dealer told me before selling me this piece of shit.

.................... Say goodbye to spam!

* *

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By Siamack Baniameri



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