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I wanna be your king
Persian Warrior vs. Reza Pahlavi

May 24, 2002
The Iranian

First of all, I would like to inform my fellow Persians of my immense disappointment with results of last year's presidential election where yours truly was a candidate [Persian for president]. I challenged Khatami and asked for your vote. I clearly defined my social and political programs. But to my astonishment, only one person voted for me (my mom, whom I had to bribe).

Even though I was crushed, I did not lose hope. I knew I had to refocus my political ambitions. Then it all became clear. Why president when I can be KING?

You heard it right folks. Forget about president; I want to be your king and I'll be a damn good one too. The Persian Warrior is officially in the race for kingship. I understand there is one other person who claims to be the king of Persia; you know, Reza Pahlavi. But he hasn't got a chance.

Pahlavi will never have a place in this race. He looks flimsy and weak. His agenda is even weaker. And he's out of touch with reality. I, on the other hand, have an aggressive program to bring Persia back on track.

Allow me to point out differences between me and Pahlavi.

Pahlavi is out of his mind. He keeps saying, "Let's unite!" what the hell does that mean? Remember what happened the last time we all united? We screwed up the whole country. It was a catastrophe. Every time we Iranians "unite", disaster strikes.

Forget about it. Uniting is not our thing. I say, "Let's divide!" We Iranians are at our best when divided. We do great; we achieve, kick ass, make money, and make things happen. Divided is the way to go. It works for us. We can't lose.

So repeat after me, "United bad, divided good."

Do you really want Pahlavi represent you in the international arena? He's puny and delicate. Imagine him sitting at a table across from the Azerbaijan president, negotiating the Caspian Sea treaty. He will look ridiculous. He has no pull, no magnetism, no mojo.

I, on the other hand, will intimidate the Azerbaijani leader with my mighty biceps and big chest. I'll sit across the table and look deep into his little eyes. He'll shit in his pants. He knows he has no choice but to sign whatever I offer, or I'll reach and twist his feeble neck.

Intimidation, that's my style. And if it doesn't work, I'll go on the offensive. That's right. If we Persians can't have the entire Caspian Sea to ourselves, they can't either. I'll gather all Iranians -- the whole 70 million of them -- and in a great show of force and solidarity, piss in the Caspian Sea. Damn right. Let's see them Azerbaijanis swim in that water and get their little oil pipelines installed. They want to import gas? Step aside, I got their gas right here.

Now this one really gets me. Pahlavi talks about a referendum for Iranians to decide their future government. What the hell is that all about? Like mollas will let you do that? Free referendum my muscular buttocks. While Pahlavi and his boys are waiting for an invitation from the mollas to go back and organize a referendum, I'll be busy getting the people into shape.

People! We don't deserve a referendum. Last time we had a chance to determine the future, we handed the county to I-rabs. The only referendum under the Persian Warrior would be to decide whether to go to work at four or three o'clock in the morning.

The last thing that bothers me about this dude is his, "Let's do it the nonviolent way". Give me a break. How boring can you get? Violence is fun. We Persians love it. It's us dude. Nothing like killing opponents, breaking windows, smashing heads on the pavement, burning buildings, and looting stores to get the day started on the right track.

Violent revolutions are fun. They build character. Like any other nation in the world, we have a right to violent revolution that involves shooting and looting. Let people have fun for god's sake. Half of the population is under twenty; let them have a little ass-whooping contest to get the frustration out.

I, unlike Pahlavi, will allow three days of "National Violence" where every Persian will have an opportunity to get even with people they don't like. It could be your neighbor, in-law, relative, baghaal-li down the street, or local politician.

We will also have a "National Running of the Bulls" where we dump all the people we don't like in a big square and unleash hundreds of angry bulls against them.

Now repeat after me, "Persian Warrior fun? Reza Pahlavi boring."

There can be only one king and that's me. I'll defend you against your worst enemy -- yourselves -- and make you all proud of being who you really aren't. Pahlavi has nothing to offer you but empty promises. Elect the Persian Warrior for your king and you will not have a dull moment in your life.

Thank you and God Save the King.

PS: If Pahlavi returns to Iran one day and becomes king, I would like him to know that I'm just joking. I hope he will not send SAVAKI agents after me. Javid Shah!

Comment for The Iranian letters section
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Siamack Baniameri

By Siamack Baniameri

Baniameri's features index


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Test run
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Not without my mom
Reza Pahlavi is in Iran on the most important mission of his life
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I hereby proclaim myself King of Kings
By Asghar Agha

Shah Hassan at Price Club
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By Karim Azari

Asghar the liberator
... of ourselves
ByAsghar Shah


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