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How to be Iranian
10-Jan-2011
For 11th grade English class creative writing assignment: Iranians, or Persians, as we often like to be called, are complicated people. Achieving the status of being Iranian is not an easy task, but with much dedication and a strong liver, it can be done. Also, let me say now that there are basically only two types of Iranians, the first generation, and the second generation, since there were no Iranians in this country prior to 1979 (citation needed). These two generations are very different in nature, and it seems that the second generation is determined to undo the good name the first generation has created for itself. While there are many exceptions, to make it easier, you can basically think of the first generation as the “good” generation and the second, as the “bad” one. Note: the following rules and observations are purely comedic in nature but are not exaggerated at all.
Get a Mercedes or BMW: Iranians drive German cars. That’s it. It’s seen as a symbol of status, but these cars are most often driven by Iranian women who can’t actually drive them. Nevertheless, to be fully integrated into Iranian-American society, a German car is essential.
2nd Generation rules: Iranian girls receive either a BMW or Mercedes SUV, or a Range Rover as an 18th birthday present from their daddies. This is especially prevalent with California Iranians, who are another species altogether.
Have the alcohol tolerance of an elephant: Iranian men, while not blatantly obvious about it, look at alcohol tolerance as a symbol of manliness, as do men in many other cultures. The difference, though, is that even after 8 glasses of premium whiskey and several bottles of French wine, Iranians still don’t get drunk (Note, this is not true for 2nd gen. Iranians, who get drunk at least 4 times a week.) While many think that Iran is a dry country, this is actually not true. While alcohol is illegal in Iran, it’s still the third most important food group after kabob and khoresht. Iran has often been called the “Ireland of the Middle East”, while Iranians themselves tend to be worse than the Irish, the Germans, and the Polish all put together.
Learn to tarof: Absolutely 100% essential. While you may find the occasional Iranian who drives a Japanese car and doesn’t drink, you will NEVER find one who doesn’t tarof. Tarof is a Persian word which has no direct translation into English. It basically means putting your guest before yourself. A reasonable concept, but Iranians do it in their own way. Here are a couple common occurrences of tarof among Iranians:
• After dinner, the guests argue about who “gets” to do the dishes. A guest must always run up to the sink and at least put the gloves on, but it is the host’s job to push them away and yell at them to sit down and have some tea. TAROF
• At a restaurant, at the end of the meal, each man must pull out his wallet and try to pay the check. While this is common in American society, as well, Iranians are different in that they have no problem yelling at each other for 30+ minutes in the middle of a crowded restaurant to decide who gets to pay. In the end, the one who has had the most to drink emerges victorious and gets to pay for the bill inevitably full of filet-mingon and premium wine. TAROF
Learn to appreciate Iranian classical music: While many Iranians themselves don’t actually enjoy classical Persian music, when there is an elder around, it is basic etiquette to close one’s eyes and sway one’s head to the sound of a man holding a note for several minutes. This makes it appear as though one is in deep thought and even if you can’t actually appreciate this music, learn to fake through it. (Note, 2nd gen. doesn’t have to do this. Typical 2nd gen. Persian music is Lil Wayne, Wiz Khalifa, Kid Cudi, etc.)
Learn to love doogh: Doogh, in my opinion, is Iran’s worst culinary contribution to society. However, when I am around other Iranians, I’ll chug it down like it’s the elixir of life. Doogh is a milky white soda, and it tastes about as bad as it sounds. It is made from plain, unflavored yogurt (you know, the sour kind), and carbonated water. To enhance the doogh-drinking experience, various spices are added that have absolutely no business being in a beverage, like salt, pepper, and a mélange of others I can’t identify.
Wear the best brands: For men, this includes mainly Giorgio Armani and Hugo Boss. Lacoste, Michael Kors, and Hilfiger are also acceptable. For women, this includes mainly D&G, Versace, Burberry, Anthropologie, Chanel, and Dior. Bvlgari jewelry for women is a must, as is a Rolex for men. Sunglasses may only be Oakley, Gucci, Dior, or Armani. These rules are non-negotiable and are very serious. (Note: this is not true for 2nd gen. Iranians. A typical wardrobe for a 2nd gen. Iranian male is roughly 80% Puma, 10% Adidas, 5% Nike, and 5% Lacoste. For a 2nd gen. Iranian female, it consists mainly of Uggs and designer jeans.)
Lose your voice during soccer games: Iranians, especially men, cannot keep quiet while watching a soccer game. While this is common in all cultures, Iranians will go so far as to insult the coach’s mother, insult a player’s mother, or physically attack the television screen. Remotes are best kept out of reach, lest they get embedded into the drywall after Esteghlal Tehran (or Manchester United for 2nd gen. Iranians) loses. An important note: During World Cups, it is essential to root for either Brazil or Germany if Iran is not playing. Iranian Brazil supporters will spit at the sight of the Argentine team and often call Maradona “Ahmadinejad’s best friend” (a HUGE insult for Iranians). Iranian Germany fans are much less common, but still exist mainly as a result of the mass Iranian immigration to Germany in the 80’s.
So, in conclusion, being Iranian isn’t easy. It’s a lot of hard work that can possibly even lead to cirrhosis, but somebody’s got to do it. For all you Persian wannabes out there, my only advice to you is to follow these seven basic rules of being Iranian and to educate yourselves about Iranian politics, the one thing I forgot to talk about. In the end, all your effort may pay off, and you may emerge as a “born-again Persian”. Good luck in all your endeavors, and remember, once you go Persian, there is no other version. Khodahafez!
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Brilliant satire!
by Ari Siletz on Mon Jan 10, 2011 12:45 PM PSTIt is what it is.
by Esfand Aashena on Mon Jan 10, 2011 12:41 PM PSTI can't comment on what he may have meant. I can only comment on what I've read which is very generic and have seen it many times before and never funny!
As you not seeing a "single" 2nd generation not being ashamed of being Iranian; you must not be around too many of them. Of course they will never say it but their actions (not all of them) speak for themselves. Of course as they age they change and realize their heritage but it is only natural to be affected by all the negative media about Iran. Not to mention kids can be cruel at school and they certainly don't spare Iranian kids, especially during times of war and terroristic activities.
Anyway, if you are a 2nd generation (which I don't think you are :-) now that you are registered why don't you write a blog about how you are NOT ashamed of being Iranian? You can also ask this funny teenager to take another shot and say some things positive in a blog, if he can find any! Good luck!
Everything is sacred
Dear Esfand
by Saharg on Mon Jan 10, 2011 12:35 PM PSTDear Esfand Aashena
Thanks for the reply. I agree with you, respect is very important. Two people cannot have a meaningful relationship without it.(the glue that keeps society together.) Fair enough, but i have not met a single second generation Iranian that was ashamed of being Iranian or one that as you put it "feels sorry that they're Iranian" .
I think he was trying to pay his respect by saying Good luck in all your endeavors, and remember, once you go Persian, there is no other version.
Humor is an international language.
by Esfand Aashena on Mon Jan 10, 2011 11:51 AM PSTSaharg jaan, may all your problems and ills fall smack right down Sargord's head! Talking and making jokes about parents is nothing new and comedians from all cultures use it but the good ones are those where you see they give the parents their respect and due process. That's when the audience knows s/he is just trying to be funny and not belittle the parents, intentionally or unintentionally.
For example, "respect" is a hot button issue for Iranian parents and we all know they don't always get it. So when you want to make fun of the "respect" that the 2nd generation ignore, you have to prepare the joke by first showing the disconnect and then as a minimum say you love them either at the beginning or at the end of the joke, AND consider "your actions" the funny part not the expectation of the 1st generation. I've seen jokes where they say how the parents actually punished them or not talked to them and the consequences. It's not about 1st generation being mad, it's about the 2nd generation feeling sorry that they're Iranian and taking it on the 1st generation. See the difference?
Maz Jobrani is a great comedian and I admire him a lot and always laugh at his jokes. Some of his very early jokes may have been too raw but overall he is a very good comedian these days for Iranians to consider. He is 2nd generation, though not 17! Note how he always uses respect and gives his dues. In this article, albeit from a 17 year old boy, no respect was given. The only thing I could see as giving respect or funny was when he said: However, when I am around other Iranians, I’ll chug it down like it’s the elixir of life. Doogh is a milky white soda, and it tastes about as bad as it sounds.
Everything is sacred
nice indeed
by Niloufar Parsi on Mon Jan 10, 2011 11:48 AM PSTi second behrooz' comment! also about politics and conspiracies...
peace
Dear Esfand Aashena, I
by Saharg on Mon Jan 10, 2011 11:40 AM PSTDear Esfand Aashena,
I understand what you mean but the point is not to take this writing so personal. Constructive criticism works.
1st generation, please help me understand you better, why are you so mad? getting mad or being judgmental are the quickest ways to alienate your teenagers.
Nice and Funny
by Behrooz on Mon Jan 10, 2011 11:26 AM PSTNice and Funny writing, Sam! Well done.
And a "comment" to some "comments". Remember, it is humor! Not a research article! Have you ever watched Maz Jobrani?
sam, You could maybe add to "how to be iranian" their roles and views in politic. Every iranian (especially 1st generation) has an opinion about politics, regardless if it is reveloution/reform in Iran, election in USA, economical crisis in Greece, military coup on Ivory Coast. And it is very simple: Conspiration! The secret hands are involve in these and nothing is going to change if these secret hands do not want.
"Thesis paper for Iranian studies" by a funny teenager!
by Esfand Aashena on Mon Jan 10, 2011 11:19 AM PSTI'd have laughed if he had said one good thing about the 1st generation. Did he even run this by the "his" 1st generation to see if it is funny or did he just use the same stuff he has heard from them to begin with?!
How is he making fun of the 2nd generation when he says the 2nd generation is trying to "undo" the 1st generation's achievements? Where is the 1st generation in all of this?! I suppose the "achievements" are all a joke whereas the "achievements" of the 2nd generation is to throw tantrums and fall in love with those that the 1st generation would have never even considered in their hay days of having a temporary marriage with!
Believe me the sooner this funny teenager realizes that he has missed the real funny stuff, the better off he'll be! That is of course if he "studies" something about his 1st generation with open arms.
Everything is sacred
Wake Up!!
by masoudA on Mon Jan 10, 2011 11:12 AM PSTIn case you have been sleeping in the last 30 years - Iranians have been fighting a big war to preserve their nationalism against Islam and Arabification of our culture. As far as Iran is concerned we have only one weapon to defend ourselves against Islam/Arabification and that is our Nationalism. I don't know about this particular joker - but there are organized efforts out there being orchestrated against Iranian nationalism - wake the hell up.
No of course not! This was
by Saharg on Mon Jan 10, 2011 11:04 AM PSTNo of course not! This was not a thesis paper for Iranian studies . it is posted under the HUMOR section!!!!
Trust me we do appreciate everything the first generation had to go through and all their achievements. If you read carefully he said " These two generations are very different in nature, and it seems that the second generation is determined to undo the good name the first generation has created for itself."
If anything he is making fun of us, not the first generation.
why cant we just have more tolerance and not be so judgmental/defensive!!! The author never said he wrote this based on his personal life. It was for a creative writing assignment!!!
LA Iranians of the 90's
by Faramarz on Mon Jan 10, 2011 11:02 AM PSTThis is a good topic however the blogger is about 15 years behind the times!
Doogh is a must! Noon panir sabzi should always be on the table!
First Gens are more into Vodka and Tequila than Whisky
Brazil fans? I don't think so. I kiss the ground that Maradona walked on!
Why is the Japanese girl driving a right-hand-side Mercedes?
Dear Esfand, your comment makes me smile
by Anahid Hojjati on Mon Jan 10, 2011 10:56 AM PSTThe last part of your comment makes me smile. Forget about telling your kids much about your love interest, they either find something wrong with it or it bores them, it seems.
This is SUCKS TO CANADA!
by Esfand Aashena on Mon Jan 10, 2011 10:53 AM PST17 year old learned riding BMW and Mercedes and having doogh in the cup holders are all there is to know about Iranians?! Or drinking alchohol like an elephant is uniquely Iranians?!
Everything is sacred
a 17 year old boy wrote this
by Saharg on Mon Jan 10, 2011 10:50 AM PSTa 17 year old boy wrote this how on earth could he be showing more legs than wisdom! or be in love with herself?
We can agree to disagree!! How come the first generation has such a hard time doing that?
the author never questioned Iran's history or its culture. He was just being funny! that's all! if you don't find it funny that's fine . I do.
Careers of 2nd generation = mooching off parents & complaining!
by Esfand Aashena on Mon Jan 10, 2011 10:49 AM PSTIt seems the only thing (probably not the "only" thing but the "main" thing) that the 2nd generation has learned is to criticize the 1st generation as the ones who came to the West from back woods and don't know nothing about nothing and these young "brains" of society are just the ones to set them straight!
While the 1st generation achieved a lot, such as getting degrees in another land in another language and raising these "funny teenagers" into their 20s and 30s, the 2nd generation's main accomplishment is to get a degree or two (depending on what was your first degree ;-) and run the cell phone bills and not much more!
Oh and forget about including the 1st generation's experience and views on the love interest of the "funny teenagers"! Noooooooooo, no, no! For 2nd generation the love interest of 1st generation has always been arranged marriages and they don't even know how to date!
Everything is sacred
Just remember that the 1st generation's 1st BMW was more lively
by MM on Mon Jan 10, 2011 02:08 PM PSTDear 2nd generation,
Just keep in mind that the 1st generation's first BMW was more lively (//i.imgur.com/Agwxq.png), so appreciate yours.
As long as the second generation gets an education to be self-sufficient, has a sense of self-deprecation (and not self-defecation) and has not forgotten its roots --- goood going.
PS, consider doogh a prelude to marriage. You may not like your in-laws, but you have to smile and kiss them (where? its up to you).
Saharg
by masoudA on Mon Jan 10, 2011 11:06 AM PSTFunny Tennager???
It looks more to me like a spoiled teenager in love with herself, driving a mercedes in London showing more legs than brains!!!
Dear Sam, one big difference is in choice of careers.
by Anahid Hojjati on Mon Jan 10, 2011 10:24 AM PSTFirst thanks for your blog. You made some correct observations. One huge difference between Iranians of first generation and those of second generation is in choice of careers. First generation Iranians had to be doctor or engineer; save for those in business mostly in LA. Those from second generation are choosing their careers from a broader set of choices. Some go into engineering or medicine, some to law school but I see many who are choosing careers in entertainment and arts since that is where their interests are.
"Funny teenager"! Is there another kind?!
by Esfand Aashena on Mon Jan 10, 2011 10:21 AM PSTEverything is sacred
hey big guys, this is just
by Saharg on Mon Jan 10, 2011 10:11 AM PSThey big guys, this is just a joke! keep in mind that a funny teenager wrote this.
I think you're funny sam . you made my Monday! keep on writing!
Missing a few things
by masoudA on Mon Jan 10, 2011 10:07 AM PST- Actualy Learn about Persia - things like our history, literature, Erfan, Zartosht,.........our global sentiments such as introducing the concept of "Wages" to mankind for the first time......
Wow… I was so excited
by Bavafa on Mon Jan 10, 2011 10:02 AM PSTWow… I was so excited reading this and thinking I am not one of those, till I got to the "dogh"
Are you kidding me.. I will sell my eight born for a bottle of "dogh", the most delicious drink ever. Just have a tall glass with a chelo kabab and you are ready for a good knap in the afternoon. Oh so yummy.
Mehrdad
You need a current IRI National ID to be Iranian
by Sargord Pirouz on Mon Jan 10, 2011 09:45 AM PSTThat's essential, brother. You got one?
Loved it!
by HalaSalman on Mon Jan 10, 2011 09:41 AM PSTVery funny, witty and true... I absolutely loved your writing style and quick sense humor... And being a Middle Eastern in the US myself, I think most of your observations hit the point with Arabs as well... Keep up the good work, Sam... Cannot wait to read your next article :)
Like we've never heard these before!
by Esfand Aashena on Mon Jan 10, 2011 09:39 AM PSTAt first when I read you're going to talk about 1st and 2nd generation Iranians I thought you may be on to something. Then I read the rest and realized the same old stuff which were never really funny except for those who'd laugh at anything up to and including a crack in the wall!
Everything is sacred
Satire?
by Cost-of-Progress on Mon Jan 10, 2011 08:56 AM PSTPerhaps,
Accurate? somewhat....see generalization
Generalization? Yep.
I must remember to ask my daughter if she has the same inaccurate notions as to how to be a Persian.
____________
IRAN FIRST
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