rosie is roxy is roshan
به زبان فارسی
PICTORY
LATEST MUSIC
SEARCH
a different kind of death
13-May-2009
at times over the past year, i'd thought about writing a blog called khod koshi. and since the topic just came up, i thought i'd at least post this poem i wrote on the subject. the majority of suicides fail. you have to really know what you're doing. i very rarely do, and i have observed that generally speaking neither do most people. there is a moment when you experience what we usually mean by death, but afterwards there is a different kind of death. i will dedicate this to two people here. one of them i want to say, thanks for the clam chowder. we'll do it again one day. the way up is the way down (the fragments of heraklitus of ephesos).
vermillion
the bloodline of the roses has pledged me unto life
--forough, translation mine**
and the white bathroom walls
were burgundy and crimson
red red red
the white bathroom walls
I never dreamed
it would splatter like a geyser
like the martyrs’ fountain
of mashad
i saw once
in a book of photos
red red red
the waters of mashad
and then in the hospital
calm as a womb
they were white white white
the hospital walls
so I never thought
about those red bathroom walls
instead
I did crossword puzzles
it is good to exercise the mind in the hospital
it is best not to think at all
and I never dreamed
walls could be so white
and I never dreamed
life could be so death
every day
rolling into the next
like an endless stream without stones
and I never dreamed
one could live without time
empty and still
as a zen master
timeless and empty as time
and the empty food
and the white walls empty
and the doctors empty
and the bandages empty
and me too empty
white as a japanese funeral
and then somehow suddenly
I’d have to rush to the bathroom
and close the white door
that had no knobs
and whack myself silly
imagining you
the you you’d never shown me
the you I’d never known
opening places in me
where I’d never gone
and I never dreamed
how blue imagination
and crimson desire
could become so enflamed
within four white walls
of nothingness
and then I’d return to my crossword puzzles.
***
She was only thirty two
when she crashed into the wall
it was burgundy and red
on the car and the wall
she was crimson and vermillion
like a briiliant bird
she was not black like the crow of najaf
and
there were only thirty birds
but they all made one large bird
and then the large bird’s reflection
so that makes thirty two
and jesus too they say
was about thirty three
(so that's close enough)
when he was burgundy wine on the cross
what is it about that number
well I’m no martyr
although I tried
I’m no mashad
and I’m no jesus either
but I think one day
if I try
I just may find the simorgh
the vermillion heart of simorgh
(I think I am in love with that number)
it had been calm as a white womb
within the hospital walls
white as a japanese funeral
timeless and empty as time
and I never dreamed
that when I emerged
into the first kiss of wind
iand all the cars honking
and all the people hurrying
and all the traffic lights
there would be colors
colors everywhere
streams filled with multicolored stones
bright bright blue
oh waters of life
it is the bloodline of the roses
that shall render me crimson
it is fire and flame
that shall pledge me unto life
life life life
vermillion
________________________
//newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/45728000/jpg/_45728692_darabi_020.jpg
** //iranian.com/main/2007/forough-and-me
| Recently by rosie is roxy is roshan | Comments | Date |
|---|---|---|
| Dangerous People, Dangerous Games | 3 | Aug 19, 2009 |
| What Yeggia Once Told Me About Iran | 11 | Aug 16, 2009 |
| Sedaa am | 17 | Aug 15, 2009 |
RECENT COMMENTS
IRANIANS OF THE DAY
| Person | About | Day |
|---|---|---|
| نسرین ستوده: زندانی روز | Dec 04 | |
| Saeed Malekpour: Prisoner of the day | Lawyer says death sentence suspended | Dec 03 |
| Majid Tavakoli: Prisoner of the day | Iterview with mother | Dec 02 |
| احسان نراقی: جامعه شناس و نویسنده ۱۳۰۵-۱۳۹۱ | Dec 02 | |
| Nasrin Sotoudeh: Prisoner of the day | 46 days on hunger strike | Dec 01 |
| Nasrin Sotoudeh: Graffiti | In Barcelona | Nov 30 |
| گوهر عشقی: مادر ستار بهشتی | Nov 30 | |
| Abdollah Momeni: Prisoner of the day | Activist denied leave and family visits for 1.5 years | Nov 30 |
| محمد کلالی: یکی از حمله کنندگان به سفارت ایران در برلین | Nov 29 | |
| Habibollah Golparipour: Prisoner of the day | Kurdish Activist on Death Row | Nov 28 |
Hi Rosie jan,
by sh (not verified) on Sat May 16, 2009 08:47 PM PDTI hope things are fine with you. I have read other blogs which you wrote after this one, also CRIMSON RED (Ashk) by Natalia, plus your last comment on it.
Couple of things:
I don’t know what kind of interaction you had with JJ, and I really don’t care. My statement as talking on behalf of somebody was the sense of attitude/gratitude which I felt was missing towards you, so as a reader I tried to express it.
As a reader of your blogs, gradually, I have grasped some understanding of your judgment and depth of your work. I only say this – You have a beautiful, caring heart and it is an honor and privilege to know you. There are so many dimensions to any human being; yours are superior to most of us. So smile and be proud of yourself, and never let anything or anybody brings you down.
I was reading your long comment on CRIMSON RED. It is great if you have some research or collective understanding of the topics which could be explained to readers. But no need to answer any personal question to "how could why would etc..." Your personal life is yours, is not anybody’s business to interfere or make judgment about. Say this as my grown up son is saying "I am who I am, take it or leave it", so ignore those people who can’t take it.
One more thing, if by any means you need a friend who stands by you and care for you as does for her grown up kids, I am for it . I have a facebook account with un-real name (Ayda Rahimi) in San Fransisco, CA - but the picture is real :). I extend my friendship hand, if you wish, send me a message, we can talk privately from there.
Be strong & stay happy :)
well i'veb een thinking about it and i just wanted to say
by rosie is roxy is roshan on Fri May 15, 2009 09:54 PM PDTthat i decided the post below is for something else i'm working on so it shouldn't necessarily be clicked for the links but if you want to it's what i consider to be my best unfeatured work of the past year, one half of my highly feature-worthy work having been unfeatured.
so i wanted to say some o things.. to reza, this was my place to do my work for others. i gave my heart and soul here but i was not allowed to be myself and do my work. i simply was not allowed. when i first came here i helped a lot of people, i truly did, but after that i couldn't anymore. so that's what i wanted to say to you.i have to move on now.i can't stay here under these conditions. it's pointless.
moving along. shekar the forough poem is amazing. it is so similar in themes to my own. forough attempted suicide once, temperamentally we are very similar in many ways. it was the poem tanhaa sedaa ast keh mimundad among a few other things that made me fall in love with iran several years ago and i decided to learn persian so i could translate it and i didm and the link to the translation is there, under vermillion because the quote and the last lines are taken from that translation. i was able to do it because i used an existing translation as a skeleton, it was very poor, it was not poetic, but adequate as the skeleton. and because i am a linguist i was able to do my own translation after about half a year of studying persian intensively. i had no help. i was very proud of myself.
btw ahmad karimi hakak and i used to be a little friendly.he wanted to mentor my work but somehow things just never worked out with iran and me no matter how hard i tried. it's been six years. and they just don't work out no matter how hard i try....
nazy well you and i are in touch offsite you know the score.
and the goldfish. i'mvery very grateful for your words, I wonder if you can imagine how much. But you stuck a knife into my soul when when you said you speak on behalf of jj.
So if it's true and your words really are from "jj",please tell Jahanshah that I don't want anyrhing from him. Not until he understands.
________________________
anyway i shall be wrapping things up and intend to leave here and never come back as of monday. posting this poem and the blog i posted today are part of wrapping up. i'll be finished by monday.
i'll be finished by monday.
robin
I did not post the last post to be read yet,
by rosie is roxy is roshan on Fri May 15, 2009 12:32 PM PDTit is not finished, and I hope the people on the thread will come back to it, especially the fish. It should be done by tonight.
wait
by rosie is roxy is roshan on Thu May 21, 2009 01:57 PM PDT//iranian.com/main/blog/rosie-roxy-roshan/nazi-state-israel-state-mind-part-i-hiroshima-1
//iranian.com/main/blog/rosie-t/nation
//iranian.com/main/blog/rosie-t/i-believe-internet-q
//iranian.com/main/blog/rosie-t/i-want-ride-bicycle-park-north-tehran
(this link may not work but you can get the blog i Want to Ride a Bicycle in a Park in North Tehrn through the rosie t. account. this blog was highly topical when written and I truly believe it is one of my very very best).
//iranian.com/main/blog/rosie-roxy-roshan/little-sparrow
//iranian.com/main/blog/rosie-roxy-roshan/hope
//iranian.com/main/blog/rosie-roxy-roshan/what-hamas
//iranian.com/main/blog/rosie-t/hyperborea
//iranian.com/main/blog/rosie-t/our-google-ratings
x
x
i believe internet
x
h
Rosie Khanoome Gol,
by sh (not verified) on Thu May 14, 2009 08:01 PM PDTYou are an extra-ordinally, caring individual whose your profound contribution is all over Iranian.com, please accept our gratitude and appreciation (this part is on behalf of agha JJ).
Now hear from me (Oldie-woman) - Nazanin, why should you care about, how simple minded people think about you. You have so many qualities and attributes which are lost to others if are not able to recognize them. Please repeat following statement before going to bed every night , and each morning before moving around ( this has been my own self prescribed recipe for past couple of decades):
I am strong; nothing and nobody could break me down. I challenge all difficulties and miseries which come in my way .Nobody and nothing could break me down. Hear me God, nobody, even you, could not break me down.
Ok Rosie jan at the end, you send some Salavat (Islamic prayer) j/k :).
Take of yourself nazanin Rosie.
Your friend-sh
my very dear roiban!
by anonymous fish on Thu May 14, 2009 10:17 AM PDTyou're only just now realizing that? :-)
don't waste your valuable time and considerable talents worrying about some people. you've touched too many lives to be concerned. nazy really said it all.
ruthlessness
by rosie is roxy is roshan on Fri May 15, 2009 01:24 AM PDTIjust thought of something which obviously doesn't incolve anyone here on this thread, Atually it would be very funny if it weren't so sad. The thing is I know there are people here who feel this blog confirms that they have been "right" about me all along, that I am unstable, self-destructive, and so forth. In other words that there is something fundmentally wrong with me which renders all my contributions here in some sense defective hence largely meaningless (which they knew all along...)
The "funny" part is that if it were someone who they felt close to, whether offsite or on, they'd be sitting there for weeks on end telling the person there is nothing fundamentally wrong with you. it's just that you're so deep, so profound,(which I knew all along). and it makes all your contributions here all the more meaningful..
Aren't people funny? hahaha.
Some things I'we wanted to say ever since I saw your post ps AF
by rosie is roxy is roshan on Thu May 14, 2009 08:12 AM PDTReza, but I didn't quite know how. As you guys'posts came it became clearer,.Maybe new posts will come , maybe not, either way I will try to say them when the blog reaches the bottom of the page. The one thing I can say for now is that I am very grateful for your posts. They mean so much to me as I am sure you know
ps AF, your post wasn't there when I posted this one.Ask.Don't be afraid. It is better to understand it. Then you won't be afraid. I am not afraid anymore because I undertand.Ask me.Don't be afraid.It is better to understand it. Then you won't be afraid. I am not afraid anymore because I undertand.
shook me
by anonymous fish on Wed May 13, 2009 04:39 PM PDTi keep coming back to your blog. i don't want to. i don't want to read your words over and over. i don't want to venture that much further into a world that frightens me. but i do. even after so many years, there are still so many questions left unanswered. that is what i hate most about suicide. the hell that it leaves in it's passing. i think what i'm most afraid of...is... understanding.
Later On
by Shekar on Wed May 13, 2009 04:10 PM PDTLater On
My death will come someday to me
One day in spring, bright and lovely
One winter day, dusty, distant
One empty autumn day, devoid of joy.
My death will come someday to me
One bittersweet day, like all my days
One hollow day like the one past
Shadow of today or of tomorrow.
My eyes tune to half dark hallways
My cheeks resemble cold, pale marble
Suddenly sleep creeps over me
I become empty of all painful cries.
Slowly my hands slide o’er my notes
Delivered from poetry’s spell,
I recall that once in my hands
I held the flaming blood of poetry.
The earth invites me into its arms,
Folks gather to entomb me there
Perhaps at midnight my lovers
Place above me wreaths of many roses.
Forough Farrokhzad, translated by Ahmad Karimi-Hakkak
Thank you for your poem, Rosie.
Dear Roshan:
by Nazy Kaviani on Wed May 13, 2009 05:26 PM PDTThank you for your heartfelt blog and your gripping poem. I read it last year and then another time since, and each time it has disarmed me with its honesty and will to live.
Life is complicated and our decisions, even as they are unfolding and not yet in the safe distance of retrospect, are sometimes the best things we feel we can do. I used to live with regrets when I was younger and one day I realized how much of my energy was sapped each time I regretted a decision. I stopped the regret business and instead, started devoting my energies to here and now and doing my best with whatever is handed to me. I have never gone back, because I think I have finally figured out what suits me best in life, here and now and hope.
I thank you for being brave enough to share this moving poem with us. Many people wouldn't. This is only one of the ways in which you are different and special, Roshan. Only one of them.
Thank you for the gift of honesty and self expression, your lasting trademark on many corners and walls of this website.
P.S. I am toiling away on a story on my relationships series which briefly touches on closures and such. It is someone else's story but reading it, you might see the similarities in all of our lives. I hope to be able to finish it soon.
Dear Rosie,incase you'r counting
by Reza 41 on Wed May 13, 2009 09:42 AM PDTDear Rosie,
while you are counting and talking about different kind of dying, there are many badly sick in hospital bed dreaming and counting how many way they could live if they could get another chance. let count how many way we can live if we were them.
peace
//www.youtube.com/watch?v=D3UTeiHYkE8&feature=PlayList&p=901F09C14B4BC244&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=44