Souri

یک ملا و

یک ملا و یک راهب كه مراحلي از سير و سلوك را گذرانده بودند و از ديري به دير ديگر سفر مي كردند ، سر راه خود دختري را ديدند در كنار رودخانه ايستاده بود و ترديد داشت از آن بگذرد ، وقتي ان دو نزديك رودخانه رسيدند دخترك از آن ها تقاضاي كمك كرد. راهب بلا درنگ دخترك را برداشت و از رودخانه گذراند. آن دو به راه خود ادامه دادند و مسافتي طولاني را پيمودند تا به مقصد رسيدند. در همين هنگام ملا   كه ساعت ها سکوت كرده بود خطاب به همراه خود گفت:« دوست عزيز! ما  نبايد به جنس لطيف نزديك شويم. تماس با جنس لطيف بر خلاف عقايد و مقررات مكتب ماست. 
در صورتي كه تو دخترك را بغل كردي و از رودخانه عبور دادي.» راهب  با خونسردي و با حالتي بي تفاوت جواب داد:« من دخترك را همان جا رها كردم ولي تو هنوز به آن چسبيده اي و رهايش نمي كني.»

capt_ayhab [-YT]

Zion

I did not know you had a humeristic side too? [jk] nice jokes.

Now few from me:

God said to Adam, "I've got some good
news and some bad news. First the good news. I have given you a
brain and a penis. The bad news... I've only given you enough blood
to work one of them at a time!"

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Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. The
first one says "I've never come
this way before"; the second one replies "Must be the
cobbles"

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Q. What was the First Commandment?

A. "Adam, eat my pu@@y."

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First god created earth, then he rested...
Then he created man, then he rested...
Then he created women and no one has rested since!

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Q. What's the difference between Jesus and a
painting?
A. It takes only one nail to hang a painting.

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What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

Their balls are just for decoration.

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Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

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Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess horror movie A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes".
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Catch you guys later for some Islamic Jokes

cheers 

capt_ayhab [-YT]

A few more

An old rabbi is talking with one of his friends and says with a warm smile, "I gladdened seven hearts today."

The friend asks "Seven hearts? How did you do that?"

The rabbi strokes his beard and says, "I performed three marriages."

"Seven? I could understand six, but..."

"What do you think? That I do this for free?"
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A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm.

As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman turns to a Lubavitcher chassid sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asks "Rabbi, you’re a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"

The Rabbi says "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."
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At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Mr. Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.

"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's something I can't figure out."

"What's that Joey?" asked Mr. Goldblatt.

"Well according to the Torah, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"

"Right."

"And the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?"

"Right."

"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Right."

"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?"

"Right. So what's your question?"

"What I wanna know is this, what were the grown-ups doing all that time?"
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A Jew converts and becomes a priest. He gives his first mass in front of a number of high ranking priests who came for the occasion. At the end of the new priest's sermon a cardinal goes to congratulate him:
"Pater Lewis, that was very well done, you were just perfect. Just one little thing. Next next time, please don't start your sermon with, 'Fellow goyim...' ".
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A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game.

The lead police officer asks the priest "Father Murphy, were you gambling?"

The priest turns his eyes to heaven and whispers "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do."

Then says to the cop "No, officer; I was not gambling."

The officer then asks the minister "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?"

Again, the minister appeals to heaven and says "No, officer; I was not gambling."

The officer finally asks the rabbi "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?"

The rabbi shrugs his shoulders and answers "With who?"
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A rabbi and a priest were crossing the street when a car came around the corner and knocked them both over.

The priest got up and crossed himself to thank God that he was unharmed.

The rabbi got to his feet and crossed himself too.

The priest asks him "why are you crossing yourself?"

The rabbi says "what crossing? I am just checking for spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch."

Zion

چرا تبعیض؟

Majid jan az in jooket kayli khandidam!
Nashneedeh boodam.!

راهب و ملا

یک ملا و یک راهب كه مراحلي از سير و سلوك را گذرانده بودند و از ديري به دير ديگر سفر مي كردند ، سر راه خود دختري را ديدند در كنار رودخانه ايستاده بود و ترديد داشت از آن بگذرد. 

وقتي ان دو نزديك رودخانه رسيدند دخترك از آن ها تقاضاي كمك كرد. راهب بلا درنگ دخترك را برداشت و از رودخانه گذراند.

آن دو به راه خود ادامه دادند و مسافتي طولاني را پيمودند تا به مقصد رسيدند. در همين هنگام ملا   كه ساعت ها سکوت كرده بود خطاب به همراه خود گفت:« دوست عزيز! ما  نبايد به جنس لطيف نزديك شويم. تماس با جنس لطيف بر خلاف عقايد و مقررات مكتب ماست. در صورتي كه تو دخترك را بغل كردي و از رودخانه عبور دادي.»

راهب  با خونسردي و با حالتي بي تفاوت جواب داد:« من دخترك را همان جا رها كردم ولي تو هنوز به آن چسبيده اي و رهايش نمي كني.»

Ebi aka Haaji

another miracle

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest, fingers crossed. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

An elderly man in Miami

An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back! , and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."

چرا تبعیض؟

یه نفر از اون خانوم خوبا رو بجرم فحشا تو تبریز اعدام میکنن.

هفتهء بعد یکی از همونا رو تو تهران فقط به صد ضربه شلاق محکوم میکنن!

تبریزی ها میریزن تو خیابون و شعار میدن.......

نه گَربی....نه شَرگی....جیندَه لری نَه فَرگی؟ (چه فرقی میکنن)

Souri

Oh you have no idea how many Jewish and Rabbi jokes I can tell! :-)
And I agree, great jokes all around.

Zion

y'all are awesome... these are great!

Jesus was walking along one day, when He came upon a group of people surrounding a lady of ill repute. It was obvious that the crowd was preparing to stone her, so Jesus made His now-famous statement, "Let the person who has no sin cast the first stone."

The crowd was shamed and one by one began to turn away. All of a sudden, a lovely little woman made her way through the crowd. Finally getting to the front, she tossed a pebble towards the woman.

Jesus looks over and says, "I really hate it when you do that, Mom."

Who would think.........

even Zion says jokes ?? indeed, jokes about Rabbis ?!!!!

Meaning of some countries initial !

Meaning of some countries initial

I.T.A.L.Y. = I Trust And Love You—
H.O.L.L.A.N.D. = Hope Our Love Lasts And Never Dies—
C.H.I.N.A. = Come Here.. I Need Affection –
F.R.A.N.C.E. = Friendships Remain And Never Can End –

I.R.A.N. = Inja Rideh Ahmadi Nejad –

A couple of oldies

You probably have heard them already, but still they are oldies:
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A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a rabbi decided to work together preaching God's words. They get into a discussion on what to do with the charity money.

So the priest says: I know. We draw a line on the ground. stand back and throw them. If they fall this side of the line, they are God's. If that side, they are ours to live by and keep on preaching.

The minister says: I've got a better idea. We draw a circle, stand back and throw the them in. If we get them inside, they are God's, otherwise they are ours.

So the rabbi says: I've got an even better idea. We throw them up in the air. If God wants them he'll catch'em.
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A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a rabbi are discussing what they would like people to say after they die and their bodies are on display in open caskets.

Priest: I would like someone to say "He was a righteous man, an honest man, and very generous."

Minister: I would like someone to say "He was very kind and fair, and he was very good to his parishioners."

Rabbi: I would want someone to say "Look, he's moving."
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A Jew prays to God on Shabbat:
God help me. Help me, help me. I am broke, I am all in debt. I can't pay them. Help me. Let me win the lottery this week.

Comes next week. No win. Same routine:
God, where are you? Help me. I need it man. A Jew to a Jew. I need to win the lottery this week.

One more week passes. Still nothing. He is now on his knees:
God, I owe everyone. Got nowhere else to turn to. I implore you. I beg of you. Help me. Let me win the lottery.

Suddenly the skies open and a voice speaks among the thunders:
"Shmuel, meet me half way. Buy a f***ing ticket!"

Zion

مناجات غنضفر

مناجات غنضفر با خدا: خدایا ماه رمضان را مثل جام جهانی هر چهارسال  و آنرا هربار در یک کشور قرار بده.

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وصیت نامه غضنفر : 
من تمام نمازهایم را خواندم فقط
برایم چهل سال وضو بگیرید !!! 

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  یکی از اهالی جهنم می ره دم در بهشت به یکی از بهشتی ها می گه یه لیوان آب خنک به من بده. بهشتیه می گه نمی دم. جهنمیه می گه باشه.... فردا تو هم میای دم در جهنم آب جوش بگیری

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غضنفر داشته با تمام وجود وضو ميگرفته و دستاشو محكم ميكشيده رو هم، ازش ميپرسن: چرا اينقدرمحكم وضو ميگيري؟ ميگه: دارم یک جوری وضو میگیرم که هیچ گوزی نتونه باطلش کنه


 

Ebi aka Haaji

This is the "religious jokes" section

But I have also some jokes on "men Vs women" ...I didn't post here because you will take advantage of it :O))

very funny Souri jaan, thank you - my favorite:

بچه از باباش میپرسه: بابا، تو بهشت زنها از شوهراشون جدا زندگی میکنند یا باهم هستن؟

باباهه میگه: بچه جون، اگه زنها با شوهراشون یکجا باشن که آنجا دیگه بهشت نمیشه!

Some older ones

بسیجی میخواست عروسک بخره به صاحب مغازه میگه ببخشید آقا قیمت این خواهرمون چنده؟

جايزه نوبل شيمي به محمود احمدي نژاد تعلق گرفت. زيرا ايشان توانستند ريال را به پهن تبديل كنند

امام جمعه اردبيل گفت: وقتي آب ميخوريد سه تا بسم الله بگيد، چون تو آب ۳ تا جن وجود داره، ۱ اوکسيجن، ۲ تا هيدروجن

☻پزشکان بیماری احمدی نژاد را تشخیص دادند: یبوست در افکار، اسهال در گفتار!!

☻هم
زشت و هم جوادم، بد تیپ و بد لباسم، گویم سخن فراوان با آنکه بی سوادم،
تیغ و ژیلت ندارم، حموم رفته زیادم، پایم دهد کمی بو، من احمدی نژادم!

☻آخونده
میره منبر، یه زنه میگه: حاج آقا، من توی خونه با چادر راه میرم. آخونده
میگه: کلید بهشت را بدین به این خواهر. یه زنه دیگه میگه: من توی خونه با .... راه میرم. آخونده میگه: تبارک الله، کلید منزل ما زو بدین به این
خواهر

نهضت سواد آموزی اعلام کرد: ما هم به کردان مدرکی نداده ایم!
☻مادر کردان: اگه می دونستم یه روز وزیر میشی حتماً می فرستادمت مدرسه!

به بچه آخونده ميگن بابات چيکارست؟ ميگه کمربند مشکي قرآن داره!

بچه از باباش میپرسه: بابا، تو بهشت زنها از شوهراشون جدا زندگی میکنند یا باهم هستن؟

باباهه میگه: بچه جون، اگه زنها با شوهراشون یکجا باشن که آنجا دیگه بهشت نمیشه!

از احمدی نژاد میپرسن: با اینکه مردم این همه به شما رای دادن چرا هنوز خاموشی در کشور بیداد میکنه؟
میگه: چون جواب ابلهان خاموشیست!!!

بانک مرکزی پیشنهاد داده است برای اینکه قیمت سکه از این بالاتر نرود بهتر است تصویر احمدی نژاد روی آن حک شود

Thanks Majid jan

Actually I know who she is, and I'm really disappointed, as she had asked me a few times, same question in # ways to ridicule me.

I'll no more respond to that stupid question. None of her business.

Souri

Wish you did not reply to this person, but now that you're at it, give him(her) your home ph#, address, social security #, credit dard(s) info, bank acct #, measurments, likes and dislikes (food, movie, color, actor..........etc.

Don't leave anything out or s(he) hunts you all around this site!

Proof Jesus was Jewish

1. He went into his father's business.

2. He lived at home until the age of 33.

3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.

My age

For the information of those who are jealous (ooops, mean curious) about my avatar and my age:

Although this has nothing to do with the content of this blog, I am 50.

Now if you want to know about my pictures, ask JJ, he has plenty of my pcitures from 2003 until the last one you see above (1st January 2009)

Anything else, I can help?

You already asked me this. I told you go to face book to see all my pictures there. I feel better with my own picture than the one of an actress....etc. What's wrong with that?

How about this one

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in town wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

.......

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous 

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

  6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

  12)The Virgin Mary is not called ' Mary with the Cherry,.

Baa Ejaaze ...... !

تركا زنگ مي زنن قم مي گن: يه امام جمعه برامون بفرستيد. قمي ها مي گن: امام جمعه قبلي چي شد؟ تركا مي گن: اونو كشتيم امام زاده درست كرديم

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یارو میره خارج. میگن : اسمت چیه ؟

میگه : 

Sun of God between two water  ORIGINAL ! 

میگن : یعنی چی ؟ میگه : شمس الله میاندوآبی اصل

Ebi aka Haaji

ok. i've got a tame one

about Catholics (we learned the hard way to make the joke first.. :-)

a priet came home and saw a group of kids playing around the front steps.  he asked what it was they were doing.  "we're playing church" one kid said.  father asks them what they mean...  the kid says "well, we've already sung, prayed, and listened to the sermon.  now we're outside having a smoke and a drink".

that's pretty tame.  let me see if i can remember a little more risque one.  :-)

majid... tell the "wonder bread" one.  it's awesome.  :-)

souri joon

Can you make up your mind which picture of yours you like as your avatar? We are getting mixed up as to your real age!!!

very funny and now for a mola joke

دزد میاد خونه ملانصرالدین و پالتوشو میدزده در میره. مردم میان خونش می بینن نشسته و هی خدا رو شکر میکنه. می پرسن چرا. می گه خیلی شانس اوردم که خودم توی پالتو نبودم وگرنه منم برده بود.

LOL

ميگه روح الله، عين الله، سيندرالله

mordam az khandeh

Merci

IRANdokht

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از یکی میپرسن اسم مادر امام زمان چی بود؟

میگه ....تو نیاوران (سرکار خانم عسکری) ، نزدیکای توپخونه ( والده آقا مهدی) ، میدون شوش ( ننه میتی)

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به یکی میگن یه موجود اسم ببر، میگه  یخ! آخه سر کوچه مون نوشته  یخ موجود است.

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از یکی هم میپرسن لباس آدم و حوا چی بود؟ میگه........

حوا، یه برگ جلوش و یه برگ عقبش.....آدم، یه برگ عقبش، یه کوبیده و دو تا گوجه جلوش .