THE IRANIAN
Horrorscope
Week of Oct 31, 1997 - Aban 9, 1376
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Send your Horrorscope predictions to jj@iranian.com
Farvardin/Aries | Ordibehesht/Taurus | Khordad/Gemini | Tir/Cancer | Mordad/Leo | Shahrivar/Virgo | Mehr/Libra | Aban/Scorpio | Azar/Sagittarius | Dey/Capricorn | Bahman/Aquarius | Esfand/Pisces
Past predictions
Farvardin/Aries (March 21-April 19)
You will get creative for this year's Halloween costume party. You will dress up as Henry Kissinger with a robe and turban, singing, "Stghangers in ze night, vee vaant to kiss-up to Eeghaan, and foghget ze ugly past... Stghangers in ze night, vee haben zo much in kommon, like lots of oil und gas..."
Send your Horrorscope predictions to jj@iranian.com
Ordibehesht/Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You think you have met the man of your dreams at the Shahram concert in London. He tells you he is a mohandes and gives you a lift home in his brand-new Mercedes. A couple of weeks later, you see him cutting bits of lamb off the donar kabab in a take-away in Hammersmith with a huge carving knife. (From: Katayoun Jarrah-Layegh katy-j@jnocld.japanglobe.net)
Send your Horrorscope predictions to jj@iranian.com
Khordad/Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Your lover misses you. He loves you. He thinks you're smart, beautiful, fun to be with and understanding. He can't live without you. He just needs a little time to get over the 60 other women he couldn't live without. Have you got a maahitaabeh around? Put it to good use.
Send your Horrorscope predictions to jj@iranian.com
Tir/Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Your booming restaurant business goes under, thanks to a hamvatan who just opened a Persian Kababi next to your Vegeterian Paradise, offering such delicacies as lamb brain, eyes, tongue, heart, liver, kidney and testicles. (Original idea from: Karim Sharif karim@oc.com)
Send your Horrorscope predictions to jj@iranian.com
Mordad/Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
You will get a letter in the mail from a militia group calling itself the Aryan Liberation Front of Iran (ALFI). You are reminded of your earliest ethnic roots and patriotic duties. You are asked to join ALFI's ranks and prepare for the liberation of The Motherland: Los Angeles.
Send your Horrorscope predictions to jj@iranian.com
Shahrivar/Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
You have had it with America's decadence and materialism. You long to go back to Iran, the land of gol-o-bolbol and spirituality. You want to party every night with your old Tehrooni friends like a decent human being. You want a sattelite TV dish to watch Turkish porn channels from your home in Farmaniyeh. You want your aragh sagi and cheap hash, damn it!
Send your Horrorscope predictions to jj@iranian.com
Mehr/Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
You will buy a book of children's rhymes by the Iranian defense minister. The first one is called "Moscow, My Love" and it goes: "Baa baa Boris have you any missiles? 'Yes sir, yes sir, screw those American imbeciles...'"
Send your Horrorscope predictions to jj@iranian.com
Aban/Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
You will start production on a symphony dedicated to Iranians abroad: "The Long and Whining Road"
Send your Horrorscope predictions to jj@iranian.com
Azar/Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
You will go to your local movie theater to see a film produced by Stephen Spielberg to show he has no problem with Iranians despite "Peacemaker"'s anti-Iranian themes . The new film is called: "Spielberg's List: Iranians chased from home and dehumanized abroad. Tough crap!"
Send your Horrorscope predictions to jj@iranian.com
Dey/Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Your Iran Air flight from London to Tehran is canceled. You are forced to go with British Airways. You curse them for not offering you a halal meal. You complain about the lack of a prayer room. You curse the British for all the evil they have done. You see a lovely stewardess. You ask your wife sitting next to you if, hypothetically speaking, she would agree with you marrying an English woman as your second wife. And you add, "Engeleeseet ham khoob meesheh."
Send your Horrorscope predictions to jj@iranian.com
Bahman/Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
You are an Iranian girl brought up in Europe. Unlike your Iranian friends who wear mini-skirts the size of a silk scarf, you have ambitions to become a successful professional and do not look forward to marrying a Hassan, Hossein, or Kambiz whose idea of a wife is uncannily similar to the duties of Fatemeh-Sultan, your father's maid in Tehran. (From: Katayoun Jarrah-Layegh katy-j@jnocld.japanglobe.net)
Send your Horrorscope predictions to jj@iranian.com
Esfand/Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)
You will get REALLY creative for this year's Halloween costume party. You will dress up as Senator Alfonse D'Amato with a 50-foot Chinese "Chopstick" missile up his chimney, singing, "Daagh-e yeh eshq-e qadeemo oomadi taazeh kardi, shahr-e khaamoosh-e delam ro to por aavazeh kardi... "
Send your Horrorscope predictions to jj@iranian.com
Related links
* Past Horrorscopes: Oct
10, Oct
17, Oct
24
* THE IRANIAN Satire Section
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