Ari Siletz

Last year, narcissistic personality disorder, characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance and the obsessive need for attention, was eliminated from the manual of mental disorders. But a new chapter has been added to the manual on the subject of “Tritaphobia, ” or irrational fear of Trita Parsi.

I spoke briefly with Dr. Sadegh Bimanzoor, PsyD the discoverer of the new mental disorder.

Ari: Psychological disorders sometimes have roots in our childhood. Have Tritaphobics been neglected as children?

Dr. B: On the contrary, they have been pampered as children but ignored as adults. Most well adjusted adults find substitutes for parental love once they are out in the world. This is often in the form of encouragements we receive for kindly behavior, concern for the collective good, personal accomplishments, specific talents, or even pleasing appearance. Tritaphobes have difficulty weaning themselves of the unconditional love of their parents. As a result they fail to develop qualities that society finds worthy of notice. The Tritaphobe’s primary emotion is that of feeing ignored by those around him.

Ari: What is the reason Tritaphobics hang around play parks?

Dr. B: They frequent playgrounds to upgrade their childish ways and learn the latest in squabbling, bullying and name calling forms from the youngest generation.

Ari: That must make parents uneasy. How would they know that a Tritaphobic is just there for a refresher on infantile behavior?

Dr. B: Tritaphobics invariably exhibit pack behavior. If you see members of a gang patting each other on the back near the merry-go-round and referring to each other in endearing terms, there’s nothing to worry about, they're just Tritaphobics.

Ari: Is there a cure for Tritaphobia?

Dr. B: No. Previous attempts at a cure have made the disorder progress even faster in the patient.

Ari: What are the risks of Tritaphobia?

Dr. B: There are degrees of severity. A third-degree Tritaphobic would refuse to drink water if he finds out that Trita Parsi also drinks water. He would end up in the hospital. A second-degree Tritaphobic may sell his car and walk for the rest of his life if he/she saw Trita Parsi driving a car. Some second degree Tritaphobics walk around barefoot or naked. Others avoid haircuts or baths. Occasionally we see cases where the patient has to be put on dialysis. Fortunately the disorder does not often develop beyond its first-degree symptoms.

Ari: What are the first-degree symptoms?

Dr. B: Patients spend their waking hours indulging in self-aggrandizing fantasies. They give “great-leader” speeches in front of imaginary crowds. Occasionally they go on websites and write long manifestos. Also, for unknown reasons, first degree Tritaphobics are inclined to paleophilia.

Ari: Paleophilia?

Dr B: A Pathological attrachment to fossils.

Ari: Are there many Tritaphobics in the population?

Dr. B: No, it’s a rare disorder, but due to the self-aggrandizing displays and pack behavior the numbers appear larger.

Ari: What is an early warning sign of Tritaphobia onset.

Dr. B: Early detection is important. During the “Foam At The Mouth” test, the therapist mentions the word “NIAC,” while a device measures the amount of froth around the patient’s mouth. The FATM test is 99% accurate.

Ari: What about the remaining 1%?

Dr. B: Some people—Tritaphobic or not—foam at the mouth for no apparent reason. This accounts for the 1% failure rate of the test.

Ari: Is anyone who disagrees with Trita Parsi at risk for this disorder.

Dr. B: Not at all. We have found no correlation between disagreement with Trita Parsi and Tritaphobia. The strongest correlation, as I mentioned, is with overwhelming feelings of societal neglect or a deep sense of worthlessness. A person who simply disagrees with Trita Parsi is no more at risk of Tritaphobia than the rest of the population.

Ari: Thank you for your time, Dr. Bimanzoor.

Dr. B: Later, dude!

Note: “Tritaphobia” is a fictitious disorder, but Politicophobia, fear or abnormal dislike of politicians, is a recognized psychological disorder. This website offers help.