I'm crazy, you're nuts

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Jahanshah Javid
by Jahanshah Javid
08-Dec-2010
 

There was a popular book you may have read or heard of. Remember "I'm OK, You're OK"? I think it was published in the 60's or 70's. I remember looking at the cover among my father's books in 1989 but I'm not sure if I read it. But in the same year I did read something called "Games People Play". It was the first book that gave me some insight into the mind and human behavior. I was so impressed by its theories that for a week or so I felt and acted "normal". Then the effects wore off and I was back to being my inadequate, insecure self.

Normal. I've always wanted to be just plain normal. No hang-ups. No fears. Happy. I wanted to meet and talk to strangers without feeling weird. I wanted to belong. I thought everybody was normal but me. I wished I could be like my father, my mother, my brother, sister, teachers, tennis champions, doctors, engineers, librarians... anybody but me.

This idea that everything out there was perfect became a terrible burden. Somehow I felt I could not do anything right, ever. There was an acute fear of failure. Simple mathematical problems left me dazed and confused. If someone asked me which is heavier: a pound of feathers or a pound of rocks, I would smile and think "thank God! That's easy. A pound of rocks!" Frame that question in a different way and I would still give the same answer.

Anything difficult I would avoid. Anything challenging I would leave to others. I was a talentless moron and I knew it, felt it, believed it. So I escaped. I created my own world. I built a little canal in our garden and watched the water from the hose snaking through the mud walls and thought it was the coolest thing ever. I climbed trees and jumped on rooftops. I read fairy tales and detective novels. I watched Star Trek and Bugs Bunny. I spent hours and hours doing jigsaw puzzles. I dreamed about the neighbor's daughter. I became best friends with our dog, who loved me no matter how stupid I was.

Those brief moments of play, joy, relief, comfort and fantasy were overshadowed by the hell that was the classroom. Being forced to read things I hated or did not understand. Doing tons of homework. Sitting still and listening to stuff I could not and would not get my head into, five-six days a week for 12 years!

And then there were the horrendous fights between my father and mother, which got progressively worse. I don't know what they fought about. Didn't matter. All I heard was my mother's furious rage. I don't know what this has anything to do with the topic at hand, but just thought I'd throw that into the mix! But the thing that probably did screw up my sense of self-worth even more was the physical punishment I got for teasing my younger sister and occasionally for getting poor grades.

So, where am I going with this? What I want to say, basically, is that I always believed there were people I could truly look up to; individuals who are Good, Smart, Kind, Considerate, Mature, Tolerant, Pious, Modest, Truthful, Forgiving, Honest, Perfect... with capital letters. But not any more. I'm shocked -- relieved, actually -- that everyone on this planet is struggling to be normal and balanced. Being normal is not the norm at all.

People you least expect do the weirdest, dumbest, meanest things. I see them every day. Clueless, lost... so caught up in meaningless jobs, slaving away, without thinking what they are doing, why they are doing it, eating, sleeping, waking... I'm sounding like Henry Miller! But seriously... the whole planet seems to be on auto-pilot. People stick to their routine, without thinking for a second, without realizing simple realities.

I'm even doubting whether icons like Hafez were as Good and Wonderful as what they preached and produced. If you can't live up to your own words of wisdom... what's the point? I wish I could take a peek at Rumi's life. How do you think he treated his wife and kids? This man has arguably written the most beautiful, lovely, spiritual things ever and yet I bet you he treated his wife like a maid, like a baby factory. Do you think he ever took his kids for a walk? Caress them? Listen to them? Or was he busy worshiping Shams?

Honestly... No one, no one, no one is perfect. Everybody is shockingly human! Weak! Hypocritical! Confused! To various degrees. Even the very best.

So that's it. My fear that I'll never be as "normal", "mature", "good", "wise", "brilliant" ... as others has subsided. It's all relative. Some are better, some worse. Tell me there's a perfect, amazing person out there and I will give you a look like don't kid yourself for a second.

Of course I'm going on and on about how imperfect humanity is just to make myself feel better, to stop thinking and worrying about my own imperfections. I'm not trying to belittle and put down others -- it's obvious that no one is perfect. But the obvious is not always that obvious. I've stopped looking for virtues in others and instead focusing on my own actions. I'm not beating myself like I used to. The fears and insecurities have not gone away, I've just accepted them as normal part of life. Sort of :)

Living and traveling alone in the past year seems to have helped me come to terms with myself. Or just made life more tolerable. I don't know... I don't know if I'm making any sense. But that's okay :)

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Jahanshah Javid

Fesenjoon & Anahid

by Jahanshah Javid on Thu Dec 09, 2010 02:29 AM PST

Thanks Fesenjoon. I didn't think the 12 imams are even worth mentioning. Actually, I did write a sentence to refer to all the prophets and Imam Ali. But I thought why bother. The audience here is not that religious. Let me go straight to "untouchables" like Rumi and Hafez. Thanks for the words of advice. I honestly, truly, do not know what I'm talking about or what it all means. It's what I would blurt out in the first 15 minutes of a therapy session. It's the tip of the iceberg!

Anahid: Glad you enjoyed the blog. Don't take it too seriously! I saw your note on Facebook. You liked the headline? It's yours! Khosh o khandan bashi.


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Jahanshah Javid

Taking responsibility

by Jahanshah Javid on Thu Dec 09, 2010 02:20 AM PST

Monda, how crazy is OK? I don't know. I've been thinking about the ideas in this blog for months. I just organized some random thoughts that have been piling up. It's a blog. It's nothing more than a simple conversation going on in my head.

This is definitely not the my last word on the subject. I don't think I'm cured or ok at all. That would take years and years of intense therapy.

But this much I know: I'm an adult. I've seen enough in this world to understand I'm responsible for my actions and behavior. Whatever others do is their business. If I rise or fall, there's no one to blame but myself.


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Jahanshah Javid

Answer

by Jahanshah Javid on Thu Dec 09, 2010 02:07 AM PST

alimostofi, you are 100% delusional. I've never read any of your blogs :)


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alimostofi

Maybe I am delusional JJ,

by alimostofi on Thu Dec 09, 2010 12:15 AM PST

Maybe I am delusional JJ, but did you write this after reading my piece entitled Delusional?

Ali Mostofi

//www.alimostofi.com

 


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Anahid Hojjati

Dear Jahanshah, thanks for a great blog

by Anahid Hojjati on Wed Dec 08, 2010 11:56 PM PST

Dear Jahanshah, thanks for an excellent blog. Yes, people are imperfect. I guess one issue that I have is with those that try to even show others' strong points as some kind of deficiencies so they can feel better. Also there are people who have a good heart and there are those who don't. Not that I can always be sure but sometimes I see that some people are not kind people. No matter how you cut it. So when those people tell me that I have this problem and that problem, I know where they are coming from. 

As you wrote in your blog, it is true that normal is not normal. Growing up my dad used to say something similar to this.

Dear JJ, thanks for sharing your thoughts of imperfections so rest of us just see more evidence that thinking of one' s own imperfections is common.


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Monda

Nuts to Crazy

by Monda on Wed Dec 08, 2010 11:30 PM PST

I hear you JJ. I can relate to many of your points in this blog. This is one of the best blogs you have written.

But, let's not forget, we can generalize and normalize all we want. Still, the reality looks different with variations of crazy and nuts. Even in this crazy world. 

How crazy is OK? I think it depends on our individual points of reference. To me, when a person repeats the same hurtful behavior without realizing the damage to self or others, something has to change. 

I see many a successful overachievers out there who are miserable in their personal lives. I have talked to and read about many brilliant people in all walks of life who have behaved as cruel sadists or self-centered bastards to the ones who loved them. So a person's real worth is not to be confused by what they produce. My hit.  

Very useful blog, thanks for writing it. 


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yolanda

......

by yolanda on Wed Dec 08, 2010 11:04 PM PST

Wow! What a great blog......I can identify with a lot of points:


 I was a talentless moron and I knew it, felt it, believed it.

Being forced to read things I hated or did not understand.

And then there were the horrendous fights between my father and mother, which got progressively worse.

***********************

This part cracked me up:
Do you think he (Rumi) ever took his kids for a walk? Caress them? Listen to them? Or was he busy worshiping Shams?

***********************

I enjoyed reading it....even though it was a long blog!


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default

A few words wiith JJ

by ahosseini on Wed Dec 08, 2010 10:53 PM PST

I am crazy you are nuts

Go and have a few shots

Before reading a few words

From someone who has guts

The words you just mentioned

Matters just like your haircuts

What matters is your own role

As you are like some pivots

I for one am not happy

For allowing some bigots

Take a prime position

In these rooms and in these huts

Say some really horrible things

Words of some nasty depots

Spread hatred and dislike

Pave the way for big riots

 


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Fesenjoon

My 4 comments for JJ

by Fesenjoon on Wed Dec 08, 2010 10:25 PM PST

1. You know, maybe it isnt so much that the rest of the world is struggling with their imperfections and un-normal-nesses. Maybe it's that youve reached a certain plateau of achievement and satisfaction in life ("eghtedaar" so to speak) that diminshes that sense of insecurity that u say u had. I remember I felt really on top of the world when defending my masters thesis. All my fears and long-time to-sari-khor and badbakht feelings evaporated. For a while at least. Success makes u feel good about yourself, generally.

2. If I were u, I'd throw the question you mentioned at a'emme at-haar (the 12 imams), instead of Rumi. After all, most of Iran believes that these guys were the epitome of perfection. Just hint at a possibility of imperfection of the 12 Imams in any mosque anywhere, and see how the believers will give u the look of horror. (But that's just me loving to throw monkey renches at religion). As far as I'm concerned, Rumi admitted his imperfections (maa hanooz andar kham-e yek koocheh-eem) But the imams? Shia theology has it that the universe was created in honor of Hosein and his progeny. 

3. Traveling kicks ass. It brings u wisdom. I feel happy for u that your travels have brought u a sense of peace and enlightenment. I have traveling around the world on my bucket list too. I'd love to "get lost" in some Himalayan monastery some day, and do some "40-day khalvat", away from all the masses of mean dumbasses of this planet.

4. Skepticism is good, JJ. Remember, Cogito Ergo Sum. It's the only thing that I cannot actually doubt.


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Sargord Pirouz

JJ, please lay off the

by Sargord Pirouz on Wed Dec 08, 2010 09:29 PM PST

JJ, please lay off the killer green bud (KGB) for a while. It's beginning to show.


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