Jahanshah Javid
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Killing myself
10-May-2009
I looked out the window as the plane was approaching Chihuahua airport. I saw dirt roads in dry, almost desert-like areas that seemed to lead to nowhere. They made me think of my latest exit plan: I would drive my car into the desert until it ran out of gas. There would be no food or water and no way to go back. I would smash the windows, rip out and trash the inside and then set the car on fire so that when my body was found, the detectives would be baffled as to what had happened. Kidnappers or drug dealers would be among the prime suspects. And over time, suspicion would eventually turn to certainty, since the case would never be solved.
It's not one of my best plans, but with a little refinement, it could work.
***
I think about killing myself a lot. I wouldn't say every day, but certainly several times a month. I toy with the idea for a few minutes and I realize it's stupid or impossible. Any seemingly difficult problem or unbearable situation makes me want to die. These "problems" are almost always trivial, certainly nothing to end my life over. And lately it's the thought that I have done and experienced enough in life. What else is there?
***
I've only made one attempt at suicide. A feeble one, really. I don't think it even counts as an attempt. I was living in London with my first wife and my daughter. Early 1988? I was sitting on the couch in the living room of our house in Tooting, south London. I had a bottle of prescription pain killers the doctor had given me for my severe back aches. It was not the pain that made me want to die, but my marriage, then in its 7th year. I had asked, begged, my wife for a divorce several times. The first was only three months after our marriage. I was only 19 and she was 20 when we got married. We were so young and inexperienced. We didn't know shit about life. Every time I brought up divorce, my wife would start crying and tell me to be patient, that things would improve, that divorce was taboo in her traditional family and she would be destroyed, that I should think about our little daughter and how she would be damaged growing up without a father. I would believe her, feel sorry and back down. But after every argument, I was left feeling more trapped, helpless and depressed. There was no way out.
I poured a few pain killers into my hand. I stared at the orange capsules for a while. They were my ticket to freedom. They were going to save me from further misery. How many should I take? Five? Ten? I swallowed three capsules for a start. Then the gravity of the situation hit me. What if I didn't die? What if I was dragged to the hospital and saved? How would I live with the shame of having attempted suicide? What if death was slow and painful? What would happen if I died? My wife would be devastated. My sweet little girl would be scarred for life. My family, my friends... I couldn't do it. I chickened out.
Few months later my wife and I finally separated. This time I was adamant about divorce. The crisis was over. THAT crisis was over. But I still think of suicide as an option when I face a tough challenge, or when I get bored and tired of life.
***
When I got hired by the BBC Persian Service as a freelance reporter in Washington DC in 1998, the first story I did was about a best-selling book called "Final Exit", a how-to guide for those who want to end their life. I didn't actually read it.
***
My mother told me she once bought a gun to kill herself. At the time she was living in Florida and was in her early 60's. I don't remember the circumstances exactly. She said she couldn't go through with it. I was shocked. My mother contemplating suicide -- with a gun?!
None of my suicidal thoughts have involved a gun. Guns are for grown-ups!
I'm sure immaturity and irresponsibility play a big role in my desires to die. I just don't want to deal with adversity like an adult. I'd rather run away or I always try to think of something that would make my suicide look like an accident or a murder. Like driving into a barrier at high speed. I'm a bad enough driver that an accidental car crash would look more than plausible. Or I could leave some clues that would seem I've been killed by either the CIA, MI6, Mossad or the IRI. Or it could be set up to blame it on extremists from the far left to the far right.
***
What has stopped me every time has been two things. One, I love my daughter too much. I just don't want to ruin her life. Two, I can't tolerate pain. I guess pain is a message from your body telling you to regain health; the will to survive, to live. Love and sex, food, movies, people, cultures, dogs, flowers and places I've never seen are also making me hang around.
But I wonder: if I could end my life as easily, instantly and painlessly as flipping a switch, would I do it? I'm just glad that switch doesn't exist.
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Haalaa khodet heechee...
by Ali P. on Sun May 10, 2009 06:14 AM PDTWhat happens to this site?
Where do WE go then?
How selfish are YOU?
ahhhhhh...
Har keh beh fekreh kheesheh, khaajeh beh fekreh reesheh ;-)
Besides, you can't go yet. Kaaret daareem haalaa haalaa haa..!
Respectfully.......
by sophia on Sun May 10, 2009 06:11 AM PDTi have just one thing to say
by rosie is roxy is roshan on Sun May 10, 2009 08:42 PM PDTit's the last line of the blog i wrote last night.
you cannot hope without mourning and you MUST not mourn without hoping.
//www.youtube.com/watch?v=tkJNyQfAprY
...
by Red Wine on Sun May 10, 2009 05:38 AM PDTجهانشاه جان. دوست عزيزم.دوست ندارم نصيحت كنم،ارزش تو از اين حرفها بيشتر است.زندگي بالا و پائين زياد داره ولي كسي برنده هست كه در هر شرايطي با زندگي كنار بياد و خودش رو وفق بده.برنده واقعي تو هستي.
در همه چيز با تو شريكم...در غم وغصه،تنهائي و بيكسي...در تمام اوقات همراه تو هستم.
عزت زياد.
this is killing me (metaphorically)
by marilyn (not verified) on Sun May 10, 2009 04:32 AM PDT//www.youtube.com/watch?v=KmOykXm8Ips
don't you dare, doon't you dare, you will NEVER kill yourself..ever..but don't you DARE even tTHINK this link is maudlin..the key is...it's PAINLESS because to EXPLORE THE DEPTHS, THE REAL DEPTHSS..the ego death of going into the dreamworld, the dark world, of the unconscious BRINGS ON MANY ChANGES.
CHANGES. so don'ty you dare misinterrpret it. don't even go there.
I want to kick this goddam screen and break it so I can grab you somehow and shake you, shake you, and wake you up SOMOEHOW just a LITTLE bit from this..bubble of numbness you've built around you..this..electronic BUBBLE GUM world of yours..shake you..touch you..reach you..somehow..make you look me in the eyes again..because you wend i was so happy..just to be near you.
i sent you a long regular e-mail too. Please read it. i sent it with love. And frustraation. and anger. and concern. And caring. AnD A BIG FUCKING HEADACHE TOO.re so...happy..when you look me in the eyes..you nevr will will you/ not even as a friend..you won't let me in..you'll always run..i tried so hard..so hard..for all my mistakes..i always tried so hard.
Don't worry...be happy
by HAPPY :) (not verified) on Sun May 10, 2009 03:25 AM PDTHERE IS WHAT I THINK:
It's life. I think you only get one chance in this crazy world. So, if you only get one chance, why would you get off the ride early if you didn't have to? Are you not enjoying this ride? Look, if you clearly contemplate suicide, then I suspect you aren't enjoying this ride. *It may be because you're really in pain, not having fun, etc...ooorrrrr it may be because you're not looking at it the same as I do. :) I think perspective/the mind is powerful. So, if it's the first thing...dude there is so much to do/try in this world you should eventually have some fun:
So I say: GO OUT AND LIVE YOUR LIFE! HAVE FUN! CRY! FALL DOWN! SKIN YOUR KNEE! VISIT TOKYO! VISIT THE MOULAN ROUGE IN PARIS! BECOME A CARPENTER! ADOPT AN ABANDONED CHILD! FEED THE HUNGRY! HELP HUMANITY!
But see, I believe it's really all about the 2nd thing anyways- you can have fun one day, but the next day if you're not having fun then you wonder why you're here - you should change your OUTLOOK on life. Life is a GIFT. And you only get one shot at it. (I'm not sure reincarnation is the real deal?). So why not try everything? Or at least appreciate the gift you have? Sadness, pain, angst...misery...yes, these may not be the best feelings, but they are still FEELINGS. Maybe you BLEED to know you are ALIVE! :) Even my heart ache later on seems beautiful to me in different ways...I don't know if I'm making sense. But to have an APPRECIATIVE outlook is what is missing from your words. So, I encourage you to change your outlook....you're perspective. You don't have too...but maybe you should try it just for fun? ;) Some inspiration to try a diffenent outlook/perspective (change your attitude about life): Many people would give anything to spend one more day to see and touch a loved one...but they will never get to do that again. Right NOW, you DO have that chance. So why not APPRECIATE EVERY SINGLE BEAUTIFUL MOMENT that made you who you are, fill your memories...everything...
:) my 2 cents.
Let me know
by Orang Gholikhani on Sun May 10, 2009 03:24 AM PDTJJ jan,
I've prepared several tips to avoid you suicide but all of them are old argument everybody know. Everytime the main question is If you don't hate yourself and are healthy why suicide ?! At the same time I read the last poem of our freind Manochehr (see below), you need a reason to die for. You need find your " Rah Negar" ! if you cannot, take your suitecases and come to Paris, we will discuss with a bottel of good Bordeaux or Bourgogne. They are good advisers
;-)
Take care
//iranian.com/main/blog/manoucher-avaznia-155
ای خوشا آنان که جان دادند در راه نگار
راه و رسم مهرورزی وانهادند یادگار
Dear JJ
by Been There (not verified) on Sun May 10, 2009 03:18 AM PDTI thought of sharing with you a thought or two, in the hopes that they may be helpful:
Believe it or not, We ALL have thoughts of suicide, one way or another, throughout our lives. I promise you that even the most cheery-faced people, at times, have had thoughts of suicide in their lives!
The Question is, how to deal with it .. The one thing that I have learnt, in my own personal life, is to see how can I overcome the feelings of desperation that make me think of suicide:
First, I have learnt, that physical activity helps in removing, or at the very least, lowering the feelings of desperation. This could be simply an exercise, going for a walk, etc.
Second, I have learnt, that giving more of myself, helps my mind not focus on the feelings of desperation. By that I mean, actually helping other people, at a shelter, etc. Or simply, sitting behind a computer, and try to be a source of encouragement to others!
And, thirdly, I have learnt, that whenever things overwhelm me, just go to the nature. Where I live, is next to the Atlantic Ocean. Believe me, every time that I feel Overwhelmed, I go to the beach, and when I see the "VASTNESS" Of The Ocean, and the Wonderful Nature in Front of Me, I Realize That Things Can't Be As Bad As They Look. Remember, We Have Come From The Nature, And When We Go Back To It, We Are Really Going Back To Our Roots!
Finally, Let Me Say This: Leaving A Good Life, Is Indeed An Art! We Have To Take The Good With The Bad, And The Pretty With The Ugly! Without Having Some Adversity In Our Lives, We Really "WOULDN'T" Appreciate The Good Times!
It's Really That Simple .. Think About It!! .. Life Is Indeed A Gift, - Nothing More, And Nothing Less :)
Jahanshah jan
by IRANdokht on Sun May 10, 2009 03:08 AM PDTYou have a lot to live for! You named the most important reason and there are plenty more and you know it. A lot more than the list you wrote at the end.
Besides all those good reasons to live and enjoy life, once we become parents, we are accountable for more than just ourselves. There is one other human being, a precious one who we shouldn't betray.
Having read the last portion of your blog, I have to wonder why you are still thinking about it...
ok I had a pretty good buzz going, now you ruined it! way to go dude!
IRANdokht
I am in a desperate rush...
by Princess on Thu May 28, 2009 10:30 PM PDTand have not had a chance to read this properly. What I have skimmed through compels me to say this:
Maybe you need to start looking at life as something to be enjoyed rather than endured.
Without meaning to trivialise this, and as somebody who has shared some of these thoughts, I daresay, more often than not, it is a matter of attitude.
I am glad to hear that there are things that hold you back.