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My real Iranian
12-Sep-2007
I have been sitting, staring at my damn computer screen for what seems like an eternity unable to get my fingers to move until just this very moment. The hush and stillness of yet another sorrow-filled night loudly rings in my ears as my mind gropes for a way to express that which I want and need to say. For the past forty-three days I have existed in a sort of mental and emotional suspended animation.
For the first time in my fifty-seven years, I feel as if I am about to crumble from within.
Forty-three days ago, my wife and I buried our only son. Although he was a teenager, he was our baby. He was his mother's bright and shining angel and he was my best friend. I feel so broken and empty because now that I have had time to replay his short life in my mind a hundred thousand times, I don't think that I told him enough just how much I loved him and how very much he meant to me. The thing that hurts the most is that I know that there's nothing I can ever do to change any of that now. If God would give me just an hour to sit with my son and tell him goodbye, I would be willing to pay any price, but I know that is not going to happen.
For the past forty days since we laid our baby to rest, my wife and I have become strangers. There is simply nothing that either one of us can say to relieve the suffering of the other. Sorrow and tears fill my wife's days and while I try to stay strong for her and to comfort her as much as I can, I know my efforts are ineffectual. The wall of silence between us just seems to grow larger and larger each day.
What can I say to this broken hearted mother who carried my son inside her body for nine precious months so many years ago that will take away the pain she is going through? Nothing...there is nothing that I can say that will ever mend her broken heart, nor can she mend mine. Our world has been shattered and I don't know if our love is strong enough to put those broken shards of our life back together.
I have always tried to live my life in control of everything. I have prided myself in being a strong and loving husband and father, but it seems these days I can't pull myself together completely. My inner strength has been melted away by a sadness that's more severe than anything I could have ever imagined.
People keep telling me that it takes time to get over the death of a loved one, but what do they know. I want to scream that it isn't normal for a father and mother to bury their child. My son was supposed to bury me, then his motherÖbut never in our wildest imaginations could we have envisioned that we would be the ones to bid him farewell.
God knows that the pain and sorrow I have felt for the past six weeks is ripping my heart apart. I want to cry, I want to scream, but neither will change a damn thing. It won't bring him back and it won't relieve my suffering. The only thing that makes me feel better for short periods of time is when I think about how much happiness he brought to our lives.
Our son came to us late in our marriage. I was forty-two and my wife was thirty-nine when we discovered she was pregnant. We had been married for fourteen years by then and had accepted the fact that we would probably be childless. For years we had tried unsuccessfully to have children, and just when we had given up, God gave us the most joyous surprise we could have imagined, a precious baby boy my wife was so excited and happy during her pregnancy. She would sing and play Persian music in our home all the time, thinking that our baby could hear it. She decorated a room for him and she planned everything that she would teach him about his Persian heritage long before he was even born.
During the first five years of his life, I don't think I ever heard my wife speak English to him although she spoke it to me every day. The result was that by the time he headed off to kindergarten, he spoke two first-languages. All through his short, but marvelous life he carried within his sweet heart a love for the Persian people that always amazed me and filled his mother's heart with pride. He was the light of our lives and he was the light of his baba bozorg's life in Iran. I am glad now that my father-in-law past away last year because I don't know how we would have been able to break this kind of news to him.
My son had a remarkable relationship with his grandfather in Iran. One of the things that give me a small degree of comfort now is that I never tried to interfere with my wife instilling a deep sense of Persian pride in our boy and I always made enough money to allow her and my son to make at least one and sometimes two trips back to Tehran every year. The bond between my sweet boy and his gentle and loving grandfather is something that will always bring a smile to my face, even in the saddest and darkest hours of my life.
One of the few things that hurt my son tremendously the last few years of his life was the fact that he wasn't considered a ëreal Iranian' because I wasn't Iranian. Yes, he spoke Farsi (or as he often corrected me, Parsi) fluently, he loved the music, food, and most importantly in the last year of his life, the beauty of Persian girls, and he traveled back and forth with his mother to Iran more than twenty-five times in his life to visit family, but the Iranian government called him a foreigner.
I wish I could tell those ignorant government officials that my beautiful boy, who had ten-thousand years of Persian blood running through his veins, loved Iran and Iranians with all of his very-Persian-heart-and-soul, and he loved them unconditionally till the very last breathe that he drew in this life, although those that he loved so absolutely rejected him as they do all the children of Iranian mothers married to non-Iranian fathers.
At his funeral, my wife had Ey Iran played. As it played softly in the background, she tenderly kissed his coffin and spoke to him in Farsi the kind of words that only an emotionally devastated and broken-hearted mother would dare speak. At his gravesite, she poured a jar of soil from Iran that she had collected and had been saving for her own future burial on his coffin.
Our baby is gone from us and he is never coming back. God knows how it hurts me to even type such terrible words. He will never get the one thing he truly wanted in life, to be able to call himself a 'real Iranian,' like his mother and grandfather. This is one of those things in life that is completely out of my control and I can't change it, but to his mother and me, he is and will always be more Iranian than those who treated him and who treat the children of other Iranian mothers and non-Iranian fathers with such disdain.
To me, my precious boy was and will always be the best ëreal Iranian I ever knew regardless of whatever anyone else thinks or says to the contrary. His mother and I will always love him and miss him more than either of us can possibly say.
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As Hafez says; nothing will
by Alinsr on Wed Sep 12, 2007 02:56 PM PDTAs Hafez says; nothing will ever last in this world but the joyful sound of love.
I encourage you to write more. We all share your pain.
so sorry
by goali12 on Wed Sep 12, 2007 02:55 PM PDTPlease accept my condolences. I hope you will allow your wife to read what you have written here. I cannot imagine how painful this must be for both of you, but if grief does not allow you to talk to each other, perhaps your heartfelt writing can bring some peace to her. I am at a loss for words, but I hope that you and your wife can find some peace and comfort in the memories you shared with your son as a family.
So Sorry
by Anonymous on Wed Sep 12, 2007 02:23 PM PDTI am so sorry for your loss. Speaking form experience, I truly feel your pain. But time will help you cope with the deepest tragedy in your life and you will have better days ahead of you.
Bless his soul
by Anonymous on Wed Sep 12, 2007 02:12 PM PDTMay he rest in peace and may God give you both strength to see you through these hard times.
Your son was and remains an Iranian forever!
by Anonymous on Wed Sep 12, 2007 01:34 PM PDTPlease accept my deepest sympathies. May god grant you the enormous strength and patience required to cope with this unbearable loss. As I was reading your heart-rending account of your situation it became increasingly clear that your son didn't need permission from the IRI to be Iranian. I think deep down you know that, too.
May your lovely son rest in peace.
H
True Iranian...
by sk on Wed Sep 12, 2007 01:28 PM PDTMy utmost condolences and sympathies to you and your wife. May your son rest in peace.
As for the subject of your son being a real Iranian or not, I just wanted to mention this, if I may. If a person is in love, he/she is in love - period. There are no gray areas. It does not matter if the subject of that love accepts that fact or not, the lover has fallen in love and nothing changes that. Your son loved his heritage, and that makes him a full-fledged Iranian as far as the reality of it goes. Nobody needs anybody else's permission or blessings for that. It all comes from the heart, and blood in your veins.
I feel your pain, we all feel your pain
by Anonymous on Wed Sep 12, 2007 12:56 PM PDTIt is more than an hour that I read your letter and I can not stop crying. My wife and I has lost two sons. It's been more than sixteen years now and it seems like it was yesterday. Now we have two beatiful sons. We can never get over it. The only remedy is to talk about it, love each other and share the good time you have had with him. Be strong. It is extremly hard for us to lose a child, but he is happier to be with his creator and his grandpa. G'd bless him. Be strong.
Dear Chicago Dad
by Anonymous on Wed Sep 12, 2007 12:50 PM PDTWhile we live our lives happy or sad, there is one invisible fine line that holds all of our hopes and glories, sadness and defeats, that when we reach the summit and is our turn to die we might join the ones that we loved...
If there is God, if there are spirits, then how lucky we are that someday we will join our loved ones. This by itself gives us a reason to live...
May God bless your son in heaven....
JD
Deeply moved
by Anonymous on Wed Sep 12, 2007 12:21 PM PDTPlease accept my deepest condolences on your loss. Thank you for sharing your emotions as you have. I am deeply moved by your words.
As far as any real Iranian is concerned, your son will always be a real Iranian for all of eternity.
Kaveh Nouraee
I am sorry!
by Anonymous on Wed Sep 12, 2007 12:12 PM PDTMoments into reading your touching article, the words and the spaces in between them all began to blur as my eyes welled up with tears. While as parents we all share the same love for our children, few of us can even fathom the pain of losing a child. I do hope that you can find comfort in the notion that beyond this physical realm, all of which is subject to birth and death, your son's real being lies within his beautiful soul that will be with you and your wife for always.
Love you and take care!
B.Ria
may God Bless his
by Anonymous on Wed Sep 12, 2007 12:09 PM PDTmay God Bless his soul.
"verily in the every Burden,there's a relief.and every Burden,there's a relief". - Holy Qur'an 94:5-6
With a loved one
by Anonymous on Wed Sep 12, 2007 11:57 AM PDTI am so sorry for the loss of your beloved young son.
I don't know what your beliefs are, but could it be possible that your wondewrful son is with his loving Bababozorg now?
Sara
I am so sorry
by Anonymous on Wed Sep 12, 2007 11:53 AM PDTI am so sincerely sorry for your loss. After I read your letter and stoped crying I gave both of my little children kisses and told them repeatedly I love them. You will come to a point in your life where you can live with your loss. It will never be totally gone but you will be able to live with it and then go on with your life for him, your wife and for yourself. I wish you the best.
An Iranian Forever
by Anonymous on Wed Sep 12, 2007 11:39 AM PDTDear sadchicagodad,
Please accept my deepest sympathies and condolences. My heart goes out to you, your wife and family.
Your young son will forever be a true Iranian in the hearts of the Iranian people, forever...
I wish I could do more to ease your family's pain even a tiny bit, so sorry...
M
Sorry about your sad story
by Anonymous on Wed Sep 12, 2007 11:37 AM PDTSorry about your sad story and I hope by sharing it with us you and your wife find some peace.
As you mentioned, there are cases where one cannot do much. The best thing one could do in this or similar cases is to remember the good memories and contribute to the world in his name. This way we all remember and praise him.
Dr. Mohammad Ala (alainstructor@gmail.com)
It's never easy to deal
by xivaro on Wed Sep 12, 2007 11:21 AM PDTIt's never easy to deal with the death of a loved one. My mother after 30 years continues to mourn the death of her young son. And I can't even begin to imagine the profound loss you must be experiencing right now. If this is consuming you, which means it's beginning to interfere in your daily functions (which it sounds like it just might be), you should seriously consider getting some form of individual counseling (bereavement counseling). This way you can get some advice on how to deal with these emotions. You're an amazing person to have the strength to carry on so much and share yoru pain with others.
My heart aches also, but life will go on
by Anonymous on Wed Sep 12, 2007 10:57 AM PDTYour letter brought tears to my eyes. I share your pain as a father of teenage son also. This letter as difficult as it was, was one of the best thing you could do to provide some relief, al-beit, very small to your aching heart.
The beauty of life, like many other things, is in the quality and not the quantity. It is in that fresh breeze in the morning that touches your face, it is in that warm hug that you receive from your best friend, and the list goes on.
Your son, in short time that he was on this earth, touched so many with his love of life. For his sake, just go on and live life.
On practical side, you may form foundations on causes that were dear to your son.
I am realy sorry.
Real Iranian
by Anonymous on Wed Sep 12, 2007 10:36 AM PDTOnes love of Iran and belonging to Iran is not defined by any government, especially this one. Our condolences to you and your wife, may he reat in peace.
I wish I knew him.
by Anonymous on Wed Sep 12, 2007 10:19 AM PDTI wish I knew him.
There is a reason
by Anonymous on Wed Sep 12, 2007 10:14 AM PDTIf a door is closed a window will open
God bless you and your family
My Deepest Condolences to you and your wife!
by Anonymous on Wed Sep 12, 2007 10:09 AM PDTThrough reading your article I tried very hard not to cry out laud, instead I silently and constantly wiped away the tears. You have already shared your pain with me and I hold it dear.
I have a son. As a parent I am always fearful for his safety and well-beings. Sometimes in some of my dark dreams I get to feel a fraction of the pain that you are going through. That’s why I am writing this.
Words can't convey my feelings about your loss. I ask God to bless your Iranian son forever and he may shower him with his warm, bright, and amazing love.
It is most regretful and shameful to see that Iranian government had treated your son as a foreigner. Believe or not they have treated many of Iranians whom their families from generation to generations have been from Iran more or less the same way. But as Iranians we don’t wait for the government to tell us if we are Iranians. Anyone who nurtures the love of that land in his/her heart regardless of his/her race or religion is an Iranian. Our Iranian heritage and family tradition have though us that. You marry one of us you are one of us.
However there is fear of an immanent war to break out. If that happens, I am afraid we will see many parents burying their innocent kids with their own hands.
Mohsen,
thanks for sharing it with us
by Anonymous on Wed Sep 12, 2007 09:59 AM PDTi am so sorry for your lost. once i finshied reading it i called my son who is 20 years old and told him how much i love him. god belss you and your family
condolence
by Anonymous on Wed Sep 12, 2007 09:48 AM PDTBeing Iranian is in your heart and mind, regardless of your place of birth. Sounds like your son was a real Iranian in the sense that mattered and a beautiful person, may he rest in peace in a much better place. Heartfelt condolences to you and your wife, hope you get the strength to pull through.
as a mom of 2 little boys, i
by Anonymous on Wed Sep 12, 2007 09:34 AM PDTas a mom of 2 little boys, i cried all the way reading your note.... i kissed and hugged them and told them for the 1000000th time that i love them and they are "nafase zandegiye man"...
i am sorry for your loss, my deepes sympathy to u and your wife...
IraniValiAzad
by Anonymous on Wed Sep 12, 2007 09:22 AM PDTPlease accept our family's deepest sympathy. I became emotional just reading your passage ... I can't imagine the pain and suffering that you and your wife is going through.
One thing that I truely believe in; those who leave us for the other world are at peace and nothing can hurt them, and even though we may not see them, we can feel their spirits. We are sad simply because we feel sorry for ourselves, we are sorry because we miss the lost love ones very much and we are powerless to ease our pain by seeing and touching them physically.
my prayers are with you and your family.
Pain never goes away...
by Anonymous on Wed Sep 12, 2007 09:19 AM PDTSpeaking from experience, your pain will never go away, but over time, you and your wife will learn to cope with the loss. Although it might seem impossible right now, you will have smiles back on your faces again. Holidays and special occasions will be particularly hard without him. Be strong for each other.
tasliyat
by Anonymous on Wed Sep 12, 2007 09:12 AM PDTkash mineveshti....
as a persian father of 3 teenagers
I"d read with tears your ....
wish we knew how he passed away
keep writting which will help empting
your sadness...
------
by Anonymous on Wed Sep 12, 2007 08:53 AM PDTOur deepest sympathy to you and your family.