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My real Iranian
12-Sep-2007
I have been sitting, staring at my damn computer screen for what seems like an eternity unable to get my fingers to move until just this very moment. The hush and stillness of yet another sorrow-filled night loudly rings in my ears as my mind gropes for a way to express that which I want and need to say. For the past forty-three days I have existed in a sort of mental and emotional suspended animation.
For the first time in my fifty-seven years, I feel as if I am about to crumble from within.
Forty-three days ago, my wife and I buried our only son. Although he was a teenager, he was our baby. He was his mother's bright and shining angel and he was my best friend. I feel so broken and empty because now that I have had time to replay his short life in my mind a hundred thousand times, I don't think that I told him enough just how much I loved him and how very much he meant to me. The thing that hurts the most is that I know that there's nothing I can ever do to change any of that now. If God would give me just an hour to sit with my son and tell him goodbye, I would be willing to pay any price, but I know that is not going to happen.
For the past forty days since we laid our baby to rest, my wife and I have become strangers. There is simply nothing that either one of us can say to relieve the suffering of the other. Sorrow and tears fill my wife's days and while I try to stay strong for her and to comfort her as much as I can, I know my efforts are ineffectual. The wall of silence between us just seems to grow larger and larger each day.
What can I say to this broken hearted mother who carried my son inside her body for nine precious months so many years ago that will take away the pain she is going through? Nothing...there is nothing that I can say that will ever mend her broken heart, nor can she mend mine. Our world has been shattered and I don't know if our love is strong enough to put those broken shards of our life back together.
I have always tried to live my life in control of everything. I have prided myself in being a strong and loving husband and father, but it seems these days I can't pull myself together completely. My inner strength has been melted away by a sadness that's more severe than anything I could have ever imagined.
People keep telling me that it takes time to get over the death of a loved one, but what do they know. I want to scream that it isn't normal for a father and mother to bury their child. My son was supposed to bury me, then his motherÖbut never in our wildest imaginations could we have envisioned that we would be the ones to bid him farewell.
God knows that the pain and sorrow I have felt for the past six weeks is ripping my heart apart. I want to cry, I want to scream, but neither will change a damn thing. It won't bring him back and it won't relieve my suffering. The only thing that makes me feel better for short periods of time is when I think about how much happiness he brought to our lives.
Our son came to us late in our marriage. I was forty-two and my wife was thirty-nine when we discovered she was pregnant. We had been married for fourteen years by then and had accepted the fact that we would probably be childless. For years we had tried unsuccessfully to have children, and just when we had given up, God gave us the most joyous surprise we could have imagined, a precious baby boy my wife was so excited and happy during her pregnancy. She would sing and play Persian music in our home all the time, thinking that our baby could hear it. She decorated a room for him and she planned everything that she would teach him about his Persian heritage long before he was even born.
During the first five years of his life, I don't think I ever heard my wife speak English to him although she spoke it to me every day. The result was that by the time he headed off to kindergarten, he spoke two first-languages. All through his short, but marvelous life he carried within his sweet heart a love for the Persian people that always amazed me and filled his mother's heart with pride. He was the light of our lives and he was the light of his baba bozorg's life in Iran. I am glad now that my father-in-law past away last year because I don't know how we would have been able to break this kind of news to him.
My son had a remarkable relationship with his grandfather in Iran. One of the things that give me a small degree of comfort now is that I never tried to interfere with my wife instilling a deep sense of Persian pride in our boy and I always made enough money to allow her and my son to make at least one and sometimes two trips back to Tehran every year. The bond between my sweet boy and his gentle and loving grandfather is something that will always bring a smile to my face, even in the saddest and darkest hours of my life.
One of the few things that hurt my son tremendously the last few years of his life was the fact that he wasn't considered a ëreal Iranian' because I wasn't Iranian. Yes, he spoke Farsi (or as he often corrected me, Parsi) fluently, he loved the music, food, and most importantly in the last year of his life, the beauty of Persian girls, and he traveled back and forth with his mother to Iran more than twenty-five times in his life to visit family, but the Iranian government called him a foreigner.
I wish I could tell those ignorant government officials that my beautiful boy, who had ten-thousand years of Persian blood running through his veins, loved Iran and Iranians with all of his very-Persian-heart-and-soul, and he loved them unconditionally till the very last breathe that he drew in this life, although those that he loved so absolutely rejected him as they do all the children of Iranian mothers married to non-Iranian fathers.
At his funeral, my wife had Ey Iran played. As it played softly in the background, she tenderly kissed his coffin and spoke to him in Farsi the kind of words that only an emotionally devastated and broken-hearted mother would dare speak. At his gravesite, she poured a jar of soil from Iran that she had collected and had been saving for her own future burial on his coffin.
Our baby is gone from us and he is never coming back. God knows how it hurts me to even type such terrible words. He will never get the one thing he truly wanted in life, to be able to call himself a 'real Iranian,' like his mother and grandfather. This is one of those things in life that is completely out of my control and I can't change it, but to his mother and me, he is and will always be more Iranian than those who treated him and who treat the children of other Iranian mothers and non-Iranian fathers with such disdain.
To me, my precious boy was and will always be the best ëreal Iranian I ever knew regardless of whatever anyone else thinks or says to the contrary. His mother and I will always love him and miss him more than either of us can possibly say.
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I am totally agree with your
by Roujou on Sat Feb 28, 2009 12:05 PM PSTI am totally agree with your comments.
I can't imagine the pain........
by Lida (not verified) on Wed Sep 19, 2007 10:29 AM PDTyou're going through. I'm deeply sadden by your story. I wish you and your wife lots of patience and strength to get you through this very tough time.
Condolences from mom of 2 boys (one teenager).
From CA.
Condoleances
by chirine (not verified) on Wed Sep 19, 2007 08:25 AM PDTSometimes rage comes in vulcanic eruptions, not understanding the limit of scream, not knowing where to grab in the void of cold vaccum. I am trying to have a child and even before having one, I am scared of the loss that might come...
I am close to you and your wife.
From Austria
The Father of an Iranian
by Babak Neekpey (not verified) on Fri Sep 14, 2007 02:49 PM PDTI am sad and teardul
I DO want to know more about him and the reason of his passing
Although"Heartbreaking" for both of you, but so much good is comming from him to all of us
When ready please
e mail me
bolandbala2@yahoo.com
My real Iranian
by Farshad (not verified) on Fri Sep 14, 2007 11:34 AM PDTDear sadchicagodad,
I have been sitting here sobbing while reading your letter, at times unable to continue with my response because of the flood of tears. I am sorry, so sad and sorry. Although I can not begin to fathom the pain and suffering imposed upon you and your wife, I can relate to you and understand how much you loved your baby. You see, I am an Iranian father of a 15 year old son who has a non-Iranian mother, in Chicago as well. I admire and appreciate your wife instilling a deep sense of Persian pride in Your boy, as that is what I have done with ours. I wish I knew him, and I wish I knew who you are. I wish I could come and embrace you, and tell you in person 'rest assured you will see your son again, you will hug and kiss him, and you'll miss him no more, and the tears you'll shed will be of joy'.
May the almighty grant you patience and strength in this holy month of Ramezan, and may your baby boy frolic with the angels till you reunite.
My love to you and your wife,
farshadz1@yahoo.com
He is in a better place...
by peter (not verified) on Fri Sep 14, 2007 07:46 AM PDTBahل'u'llلh wrote:
Know thou of a truth that the soul, after its separation from the body, will continue to progress until it attaineth the presence of God, in a state and condition which neither the revolution of ages and centuries, nor the changes and chances of this world, can alter. It will endure as long as the Kingdom of God , His sovereignty, His dominion and power will endure.
...My Deepest Condolences to you and your wife.
condolence
by farshad (not verified) on Fri Sep 14, 2007 07:23 AM PDTMay his sole be in rest! I am so sorry for your lost. I do not have child but I can see and feel your pain. May God give you enough strength for his lost.
I am so sorry
by Dian (not verified) on Fri Sep 14, 2007 06:22 AM PDTI am so sorry for your loss, I am mother of teenage boy
this is life, it could happend to any of us, with your letter you remind us how life is sweet and please smile cause he always with you and his mother.
he wants to come back to your home but he wants your joy and iranian music and still Iranian food that his mother cook. his body gone but his soul is always with you two, please keep talking to each other and bring back joy to your home he wants to stay there forever.
he wants his happy home, give it back to him
in my life I always think my son may die tomorow I just enjoy be with him enjoy to be with your wife life is so short.
god bless all of you
Dear Mourning Chicagon Parents.
by M. B. Rahimparast (not verified) on Fri Sep 14, 2007 12:08 AM PDTGod darn it. Parents are not supposed and expected to bury their children. It should be the other way around.
The sad and improper way the officials in the old country treated your so sadly, and untimely withered beloved son is the "Manifestation of the ugly face of humanity stripped of its veneer of civilization." and rent of its veil of civility.
Forgive them my dears, and pray to God to have mercy on them. They do not know any better. They did so perhaps because the boy's father was not proselytized into Islam, before marrying a Muslim woman, as required by the Shari'ah, despite the fact they claim the Prince Of Peace to be yet another of their Abrahamic prophets and that His teachings accepted by the prophet of Islam.
I pray for you to have patience and forbearance.
Tasliyat migam (I give my condolences)
by Ardeshir_P (not verified) on Thu Sep 13, 2007 11:50 PM PDTMolana (Rumi) says, "Our death is our wedding with eternity. What is the secret? 'God is One.'"
Khalil Gibran says "Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall."
"You would know the secret of death.
But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life?
The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light.
If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life.
For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.
In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond;
And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring.
Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.
Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honour.
Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king?
Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?
For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?
Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance."
I give you my unworthy condolences and thank you for sharing your pain. Keep writing. You are gifted and blessed.
I am a 20 year old young man of Iranian decent. I am also an only child. I was born and raised in this country and although I may not know the hurt your son underwent for certain individual's being unaccepting of him as an Iranian on the basis of his father's decent, I know what it is like growing up in a country feeling like a foreigner and feeling as though you will never have a place to truly call home. Identity is something that we choose. Your son's heart was with Iran and irregardless of what anyone else may have said or believed, he was Iranian. I think we can all see that.
As for yourself, I second the gentlemen above who suggested that if this continues consuming you - which it sounds like it is doing - you may want to consider bereavement counseling to help get you through this difficult time.
I can see you are a wonderful father and dedicated husband. I am sure your son wouldn't want his beloved mother and father in such a state. I know I wouldn't.
Respectfully from a son to a father,
my most sincere condolences,
Ardeshir
With deepest sympathy
by Yatie,Brunei (not verified) on Thu Sep 13, 2007 11:33 PM PDTI am so sorry for the loss of your beloved son. May precious memories fill your heart and ease your pain.
My deepest symphaties, thought & prayers to your family.
Yatie, Brunei
Thank you for sharing his story
by Shiva (not verified) on Thu Sep 13, 2007 08:01 PM PDTDear Sir,
My sympathies to you and your wife during this very difficult time. I hope you find in this space a place where you can find acknowledgment of your tragic loss and overwhelming grief. Your writing conveys your broken heart, however it has given us a glimpse in to the life of your wonderful son.
I don't know why as a people we are the way we are, we sometimes do not accept people easily, even our own people, but we claim to love our culture and heritage madly, and at the same time are cruel and unaccepting to those who reach out to us. Shame on us.
The frustration your son felt was very real. Living in a diaspora is not easy, one does not feel a part of either culture, however, it allows for a perspective on both cultures that is unique and sometimes profound. People from all countries and cultures can be cruel and insensitive. Your son was a first generation Iranian who actually kept his culture because of the hard work and patience of his mother and the acceptance and encouragement of his father. This is rare in this country, yet so beautiful so see.
Perhaps you can take solace that the two of you are lovely parents who nurtured a beautiful soul during his precious but short stay here on this planet, and taught him about the positive aspects of his ancient culture.
Perhaps the rest of us can learn to be accepting and work on making the most of these precious moments we have with each other.
Perhaps the impact your son made in his short life will reverberate, like a pebble in a pond. It already has, through you, on this website.
Roohesh Shad !
May the soul of your son be joyful & at peace.
Sincerely,
Shiva
Always was IRANIAN and will remain IRANIAN
by H. A. (not verified) on Thu Sep 13, 2007 07:14 PM PDTDear friend and dear "Dad", I don't know you nor your beloved son but after I read your passionate and heartbreaking article I just felt that you're talking about me. Dear dad, I'm a 30 years old man who was born in United States but lived the majority of my life in Great IRAN. Although my parents, are both Iranians, but government officials looked at me as an alien and called me a foreigner the whole time. Don't feel betrayed and isolated for your great IRANIAN son. He was IRANIAN and will remain IRANIAN, no mater who called him else. May GOD bless his soul. Please keep your close ties with you wife closer than ever in this harsh era. My deepest condolences to you and your wife. You both may have lost one dear Son but we all IRANIAN boys are your Son.
Your Persian Son
H. A.
Chicago Parsi Mom and Dad, I am angry I feel your pain
by Babak Neekpey (not verified) on Thu Sep 13, 2007 06:35 PM PDTI am angry at life ,God existance...
Life is so unjust. Tear is no remedy
U are a wonderful husband and father; Don't underestimatre the power of women; I sey this based on the experience, your wife can help U more than one could imagine; U need eachother NOW Please close your eyes for a moment and imagine "what if U yourself intentially and foolishhly had taken his life?" I did! and I am in pain forever; I gave up my own son and I will never be sober
Molana Rumi says " We are not here only to LIVE; We are here in passing; In this jeourney we eat, we sleep and we dream and we come to you
May God Help Give you Strength
by Solmaz (not verified) on Thu Sep 13, 2007 12:34 PM PDTThere is nothing I can say to help ease the pain you and your wife are experiencing.
I do not know you or your wife, nor did I know your dear son. However, as I tearfully attempt to offer my most heartfelt condolences, I hope that you know that we care. Please take care of yourself and know that your family is in my prayers.
We all feel your pain
by Sad Mother (not verified) on Thu Sep 13, 2007 12:22 PM PDTWords are so inadequate at a time like this and there is so little one can say, but my heart goes out to you and your wife. Please remember that God is always there to comfort you.
I am so sorry for your loss
by Amir Nasiri (not verified) on Thu Sep 13, 2007 10:46 AM PDTDear Father,
Dear, Hamvatan (Countryman); Dear Parent; I do completely understand your pain and sorrow, It was 2 years ago I lost my son too, although he was much younger than your precious one, but he was my flesh and blood. I know anything I say will not bring your son back and those who thing we will get over it they are very wrong. I still think about him while I am driving, there are times I am so angry but then there are times that I sit down with my wife and we both cry together.
First of all your son was as much Iranian than I ever will be or any of us Iranian. But the main thing is he was a beautiful human being and a good son.
Second talk to your wife as often you can and cry together as often you can. Let it out of your system. Time will allow you to heal. However, you will never forget those moments you had with him, but it is okay to cry and get angry.
What I did was like you I tried to stay strong for my wife; but I also took time for myself and went in a room and had my moments.
I did more volunteer work and helped others as much as I could specially other kids and tried to do it with my wife together.
But give your wife time and she will cry more than you will because she is a mother and she has all the rights to do so.
Join organization for grieving parents. There are so many of us out there. It is good talk to those who have experienced the same thing, you built a special bond.
You have been a great father and I can tell you are a great husband. Your wife is luck to have you.
Sincerely;
Amir Nasiri
sorry for your loss....
by we (not verified) on Thu Sep 13, 2007 10:15 AM PDTsorry for your loss....
So sorry
by mehdi (not verified) on Thu Sep 13, 2007 10:03 AM PDTSo sorry for your loss. As a father of four I can not even start to imagine your pain and suffering. It is not natural for us to bury our children.
May you and your wife find the strenght to caryy on
Mehdi
God of Iran
by kaveh1342 (not verified) on Thu Sep 13, 2007 05:22 AM PDTI too wish that I knew your son.
May the God of Iran bless you & your wife.
Kaveh
a beautiful piece of
by n l (not verified) on Thu Sep 13, 2007 01:13 AM PDTa beautiful piece of writing...it made me cry very much...i wish you strength to get through this difficult time...
You are loved...........
by Anonymous on Wed Sep 12, 2007 09:47 PM PDTMy friend, My heart goes out to you and your wife. It must be the hardest thing to go through in life. Look into your heart, he will always be there, smiling at you. Think that your son's spirit has joined his many kind hearted Iranian ancestors which makes them the happiest.
I am so humble by your strength and love
Keep loving
Parsua
My condolences
by manesh on Wed Sep 12, 2007 07:47 PM PDTIt is so hard to read about your story, I can't imagine what it's like to live it. Your son and wife sound like truly special people. But you are a remarkable human being yourself. Your magnanimity comes through loud and clear. Once your quiet fingers started to move, I think they did justice to the love of your son and your family. You made me love him as if I knew him.
Worl Citizens
by Anonymous on Wed Sep 12, 2007 06:19 PM PDTDear friend,
My situation is the reverse of yours. I am of Iranian descent but my wife is of Norwegian descent. My two sons are both married, one to a Mexican girl and the other to a girl of Portugese descent. Both girls are sweeter than any daughter that I may have raised. Both boys as well as their spouses love Persian food and ask to go to a Persian restaurant every time we go out together. My two sons also have acquired virtues such as respect for elders and acceptance and tolerance of others from other races and cultures.
I mourn the loss of your son and share in your and your wife's grief. My worse fear is that I may out live my two sons or my two little grandsons. I ecommend that you keep writing as it is your talent and sharing will help you to unburden. Your loss is a universal feeling and we all share in it because of our common language; love.
Soroush
Dear sadChicagodad
by Anonymous on Wed Sep 12, 2007 05:42 PM PDTMy eyes have become so red from crying so much that I couldn't walk to my son's room and give him a hug. You have made me a sadBostondad! May God bless your son and give you the strength to cope with this tragic loss.
SD
bring philosophy and cosmology to your aid
by Ardalan on Wed Sep 12, 2007 05:37 PM PDTi have recently lost a half brother that i knew very little of but i can see the daily pain and agony that his mother and my father are going through. my 22 year old brother, killed in cold blood, was the only son for her mother who is now in pieces. try to draw some comfort from knowing that you are not the only one who is coping with this terrible ordeal. try to keep writing and writing as much as you can to share your pain and not only just to make a point about your son being a true iranian. i will look forward to more of your writings here. our universe is so big that this world and this life of our's is but a drop in an infinite entity of fluid times and places. we are small mutations in an ongoing process and the time difference between events we witness in our lives is infintestimal in the context of universe's vastness. if your son had buried you, he himself would have buried a few years later by his son. the next generation of the world will have niether you or your son amongst itself so try to chain your monstorous pain in the diffusing perspective of infinity.
Real Iranian
by Anonymous on Wed Sep 12, 2007 05:08 PM PDTI am sincerely sorry for your loss,Please accept my condolences...Your son was and always remains a true
iranian.....You have a very strong feeling especially of love and desire for your son and having the strength to carry on so much and share your pain with others...May God bless you and your family. ali.g
As a father of two, I can
by Anonymous on Wed Sep 12, 2007 05:06 PM PDTAs a father of two, I can not imagine your pain...
You will be in my thoughts and prayers..
I leave you with this short poem from Baha'u'llah's Persian hidden words when he was wondering in the mountains of Kurditan as a darvish.
faryar
ای پسر روح
قفس بشکن و چون همای عشق بهوای قدس پرواز کن و از نَفْس بگذر و با نَفَس رحمانی در فضای قدس ربّانی بيارام
Sorry to hear untimely sepperation of dear son.
by Anonymous on Wed Sep 12, 2007 04:26 PM PDTIt is unbearable to lose a child of such a tender year, how much more it is to lose a true son of Iran.
This youth Blessed with love and spirit from the sweet scented, land of Iran surely yearned even more for his true home. There is nothing more precious in this world or the next than the bounty of love.
Your son is in the realm above yet closer to you than you may imagine. Say prayers for the progress of his soul. you have not lost him but that He has gone home ahead of you. Call him to mind and heart and tell him what you yearn to tell him. He will hear you and will become overjoyed. His being is literally dwell in the land of love, connected to your heart thru love.
Remmeber the Almighty and His Grace, when in tears,
He will lift your soul and will bless your heart with
joy. Here is a wanderfull prayer from the writings of
the Bahai Faith for you and your wife;
"O God, refresh and gladden my spirit, purify my heart, illumine my powers, I lay all my affairs in Thy hand. Thou Art my guide and my refuge. I will no longer be sorrowful and grieved I will be a happy and joyful being. O God I will no longer be full of anxiety, nor will I let trouble harras me. I will no dwell on the unpleasant things of life.
O God, Thou Art more friend to me than I am to myself. I dedicate myself to Thee O Lord."
wish you and your family well
father in texas
May God give you strength
by Anonymous on Wed Sep 12, 2007 03:09 PM PDTMay God give both of you courage and
strenghth to cope with
these extremely sad times of your lives.
May your young son rest in peace.
Our deepest sympathies to you and your extended family.
Farhad & Maryam