COLA WAR

As the IRI moves ever closer to acquiring a nuclear weapon (or do they have one already?), to quote Rahm(-kon) Emanuel, this latest "Motherf***er of all Motherf***ers" has the White House wringing their H1N1 hand-sanitizer sanitized hands.

WTF to do? WTF to do?

Even though the US military has all but surrounded Iran (see map), the reluctance of the US to start yet another war under the tired, worn out, and most of all boring guise of "The Global War on Terror", is all too apparent.

The US has for all practical purposes out-Jihaded the Jihad. Mere and more military force simply won't work. I mean come on, when Hamid Karzai, "The Koward of Kabul" stands up to you, you're not all that scary anymore! When the Tea Party uses the "Basiji's Handbook: For Fun and Prophet" to intimidate government officials into quitting, you really need to rethink yourself.

With bunker hardening that Iran is rumored to have in place, thanks to the Mullahs' monopoly on cement, the development of nukes goes on unimpeded, accelerated even, in a galaxy far far below the surface of the earth, even farther than Israel's "Unofficial" and Non-Proliferation-Treaty-free bunker busting nukes can get to.

So what is a lonely superpower to do?

What do you do when your so called allies are the very same backstabbing friends selling Iran the very technology, spare parts, and software upgrades to build their own version of a Big Boy? A Big Borzou, if you will.

Simple, you stop thinking about Smart Bombs, and start thinking about  getting serious with Smart Sanctions.

Several bills and resolutions have sputtered, flopped around like BB-gun wounded doves, and died, having gotten barely as far as a minority whipping, but never close to any actual signing, never mind implementation. The reasons none have ever made it out of discussion, are usually related to the cost or pain and suffering they might cause the average Iranian. Who is apparently supposed sit out any involvement in their destiny. All that is apparently required of the average Iranian citizen is to watch LA Satellite TV, enjoy life, and the view under the ample skirt of the IRI. No need to comment on what the IRI has done, or is doing, or might do, if instigated by any unrelated, increasingly irrelevant countries like say, Israel.

In the past, the US, using those fake Dracula fangs you get with the Chinese-made Whoopee cushion at a Seven-Eleven, tried to give some semblance of teeth to sanctions with assorted wild experimental limits on spare parts for refineries, and Iran's oil and foreign exchange banking industries, to try and sway Iran. But that only made Iran bolder. To homage George Bush Jr., "Ornerier."

The "Foreplay" approach used by Clinton to allow Pistachios, Carpets, and Caviar to be once again exported to the US, only made Ayatollah Rafsanjani into a Bill-Gatesean monopolist and billionaire overnight, while enabling the Bazari Mafiosos to pack up their Range Rovers and and move to the rich, pollution-free suburbs of North Tehran's famously fabulous foothills.

..'hills that is, swimmin' pools, (Iranian) movie stars… The Bazari Hillbillies!

Listen up Sparky! The whole point of a sanction, is to use what you've got, that your enemy covets, against your enemy. Call it, Deprivation Therapy.

So, what does the US have that Iranians want? That at once Iranians crave and need on a daily basis, but were they to be without it, would not really harm them, so much as just piss them off and drive them crazy a bit. Enough to want to speak out and change their fate. For once.

For lack of coffee withdrawal, I offer you Coca Cola. (Yes, fine, Pepsi as well.)
The single most recognizable and powerfully influential brand in the history of the world. The very icon of at once, despicable decadence, with the sheer joy of an unabashed Yankee "Joy to Veever!". Bubbly, vivacious Blondie-foamed nectar of instant gratification, a momentary sanctuary from a (thankfully) pain-filled world.

Verily, and indeed, I say unto to thee good Sir! Havest thou thine Coke… and a Smile.

Pop! …Slurrrrp …Ahhhhhhh!

Theoretically then, if you could not "Have a Coke…", you would logically also be deprived of the "Smile" that somehow, magically comes pre-packaged with it.

After a hard day of beating protesters, the hardest Billy Basiji "Can't Beat the Feeling".

Even an average Joe-Quds after a week-long tour of duty in Lebanon (somewhere near the border with Israel) could not say No to, "How about a Coke?"

Mollahs of the Coca Cola Caliphate, accustomed to the gloriously holy burp offered by the Aba-brown beverage, after a sinfully satisfying CK (Chelo-Kabab), would certainly have to agree that "Coca-Cola ... Makes Good Things Taste Better."

And lest we forget the Protesters, who reminded of yet one more reason for freedom, would most certainly agree that Coca Cola is "For People On The Go!"

All of this then, begs the question, why of all the wonderfully consumable pure joy inducing American products, is Coca Cola still being sold in Iran? I mean if you have one sure-fire way to hurt and deprive your enemy, without actually hurting them, hurt them already!

Today, thanks to the fine work being done at the The Foundation of the Dispossessed (Bonyad-eh Mostazafeen) which ironically has Coke (and Pepsi) as well as every single other really cool "possession"  of Iran's under it's expanding by day, protective umbrella, Coke (and Pepsi) flows like wine in Iran. If wine were legal. Not only does it flow to the tune of over $1Billion dollars inside Iran, it also generates a huge amount of beautifully untraceable non-petro-dollar generating export revenue. Today it is unofficially estimated that Iran's Shah-era (Hey! Thanks again Pahlavis!) bottling plants export Coke (and it's seven other sub-brands) to over 30 countries in the region.

Elixirs to the Emirates!

All thanks to the source of all that "Holy Syrup". Which even Iran's judges agreed was the inviolable property of Coca Cola, when they ruled in favor of Big Red and their law suit against a less than honest Iranian company and former Coke licensee, who tried a little too exuberantly to make it's own CopyCatCola.

The current Sly Source of Syrup is none other than Ireland. So much syrup passes through Ireland on it's way to Iran that an old Irish saying was recently modified,

"There are many good reasons for drinking [Coke],

One has just entered my head.

If Iranians don't drink [Coke] when they're living,

How in the hell can they drink [Coke] when they're dead?"

Yes, the country that owes it's very existence and independence to the Irish-American community, and their substantial influence on the general inebriation of Washington D.C. (can you say Kennedy?), and all the years of financial and moral support for the IRA, that brought England to it's knees (and the bargaining table), now supplies Iran with official Coca Cola Syrup. Legally, claims Coca Cola Corporate.

Or is it legal?

Although the terms of the the Iran Sanctions Act, clearly stipulates that you cannot export any goods or services to Iran, either directly, or through a 3rd party, Ireland has apparently invoked the "Leprechaun Clause" which is only visible when you place the Act directly under the end of a rainbow. Where legend has it, there is most definitely a pot of gold.

So while the pundits and politicians look for ways to bring Iran under heel and contemplate all sorts of sophisticated sanction porridge recipes that are not "…too hot" and not "…too cold" but "…juuuust right", banning Coca Cola might just be the "Real Thing" for everyone's consumption.

The actual financial impact on Iran's economy would be minimal, and since the state owns the soft drink competitors as well as the Coke and Pepsi licensees, they won't feel any real financial pinch.

But more importantly, Iranians would be denied yet one more seemingly insignificant, but important pleasure, in an all too pleasureless country. One more thing that Iranians cannot enjoy in peace, that the rest of the world, easily and truly enjoys. And who knows? That could very well cause a tipping point. Because Iranians, just like the rest of the world, love Coke and more importantly, whatever it is that Coke seems to mean to people.

So, what would you do if you could no longer have a Coke? All thanks to the latest insulting speech by a small man with a big mouth, a man you did not elect, a man that stole his job from you, and hijacked you and your government.

What would you do if the reason you could not have a Coke was because this same uselessly miniature man, was now wasting your rapidly diminishing oil-treasure on a useless nuclear weapon, just for fun and domination?

What would you do if you could not drink a Coke, only as a penalty for your naturally institutionalized apathy, and your traditionally self-protective indifference?

Who knows what would happen?

No. I'm asking. Because I have no idea.

Does anyone?

Please, if you do, let me know, because my "Thirst Knows No Season."