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         Episode 5: Behta 

Hajiagha: I’m glad you agreed to stay in and have pizza.  I was getting tired of fancy restaurants.  Some of these waiters and waitresses give me the looks.  Not to mention it was getting expensive.

Behta: I’m glad too.  Change is good.  I’m half artist from my mother’s side and I don’t mind the smell of paint and acrylic and turpentine.  It is kind of romantic and actually it’s turning me on.

Hajiagha:  Me too.  Give me a kiss.  With or without tongue? I have bad experience so I need to know for sure.

Behta: Tongue is ok.  Turpentine smell is making me dizzy.

Hajiagha:  boooseeee-shlaammm--zzsssszz-mmmmmm

Behta: Ooh I’m getting hot and dizzy, let me take my clothes off.

Hajiagha:  Oh goody! (gets fully nude in 9 seconds)

Behta: Just a minute.  Women take a bit longer to undress.

Hajiagha:  Ok let me touch while you undress.

Behta:  WAIT A MINUTE!  Wait a god damn minute!  You just stained my nice blue skirt!

Hajiagha:  Sorry.  Eh. Uh.  Sorry.  Eh … Canada …  eh… uh… JJ…. I’m sorry I need Viagra.

Behta:  Viagra chiyeh?  Baz ghatee kardi?  This is called premature ejaculation.  Forrest Gump lasted longer than you.

Hajiagha:  Is there a pill for this?  I can get pills cheap.  Children young as 13 are selling them to old Americans coming across the border.

Behta: There are no pills for this.  You need to masturbate couple of times before you see me half-naked next time.

Hajiagha:  I don’t master bait.

Behta:  Wait then.  Hold your horses.

Hajiagha:  Ok. Yes. I’ll wait. Leave your garter belts on.

Behta:  Engliseat khoob shod-e.  What is this about garter belts? These don’t have garter belts.

Hajiagha: mmmmmm-oooohhh

Behta:  WAIT A MINUTE!  Baba in che vazi-yeh?  Again?

Hajiagha:  Sorry I don’t know what is happening.  I’ll go get a shower.

Behta:  Boyfriend-e ma bawsh.  Damanamo lak-ke dar kardi.

Hajiagha:  I’ll be right back.  You can get dressed.

 A bit later. 

Behta:  Haji you have to pay for dry cleaning.  I am not Monica Lewinsky.  I can’t give away my stained blue skirt to National Archives.

Hajiagha:  When can I come for Khastegaree?

Behta:  Khategaree chiyeh?  I am 41 years old. 

Hajiagha:  I am old fashioned.  I must go for khastegaree and your parents must be there and you serve tea with fancy teaspoons.

Behta:   Man cliché shekanam.  I don’t serve tea.

Hajiagha:  Man sheele peele nadaram.  You don’t need ghand shekan, sugar is ok.

Behta:  Sheele peele chiyeh?  Ghand shekan koja bood? Cliché.

Hajiagha: What?

Behta:  It means sonnat, rasm-o rosoom.

Hajiagha:  So mesl-e bacheye adam say tradition.  Are you going to catch honnagh if you bring a teaspoon? Bring stirrers, sag khord.

Behta: Maybe I let my mother serve the tea. 

------------------------------------------

Later that week.

Hajiagha: Hello maam.

Behta’s mother:  Hello javoon.  Come on in.

Behta:  Hello Hajiagha have a seat.

Hajiagha: Thank you.  Can I have some tea, if it is not too much trouble?

Behta:  Mom can you bring some tea? 

Hajiagha: Ey baba, khanoon shoma chera?  I’ll do it myself.

Behta:  That’s ok my Mom will do it.

Hajiagha:  Please don’t forget teaspoons.

Behta’s mother offering tea in a tray.

Hajiagha:  AKKKKHHHHH!! SOOKHTAM!  I burned!!!

Behta’s mother:  Sorry naneh, this tray is heavy and Behta said to put tea in coffee mugs instead of estekan to be cliché shekan.  I don’t know what it means but the tray got heavy.

Hajiagha:  nakhasteam chai.  Che bad bakhtee dareem. In be lebas-e abiyeh shoma dar.

Behta’s mother:  what blue dress?

Behta:  never mind Mom.

Hajiagha:  So can I ask your daughter’s hand in marriage?

Behta’s mother:  Well nanne ….

Behta:  It’s ok Mom I’ll answer Haji.  Hajiagha I am willing to live with you and see how it goes.  After that I have to think about it.

Hajiagha: So you come live in my apartment?

Behta:  Actually no.  You have to get a new place.  I have a lot of clothes and accessories.  You have to move everything and if things doesn’t work out you have to move them back.

Hajiagha:  You don’t seem to want to make me happy and that is important.  You seem to be interested only in your happiness.

Behta: I knew it.  Us Iranians are always like this.  Never ready to understand a high maintenance woman.  I miss my half German, half French, half Persian x-boyfriend.