An imaginary conversation about Puerto Rico


An imaginary conversation about Puerto Rico
by Ari Siletz

-Hello, U.S. President, we would like you to be the President of our country too.

-What country would that be?


-You don’t want to be a sovereign nation any more?

-Nope! Been there, done that. We can’t get our act together to form a decent government. Thought we’d hitch a ride with you folks. We want to be a state, just like Arkansas.

-I’m afraid that’s not possible. First Iran has to become a U.S. territory, like Puerto Rico.

-Is “territory” as good as “state?”

-To be honest, not really. But you do get a representative in Congress.

-Fantastic! We want to be just like Puerto Rico. Where do we sign up?

-Wait, your representative doesn’t get to vote, only speak his mind. You can’t elect anyone to national office. No senators, congressmen, no say in anything.

-Bummer! On the other hand, we have no say as things are in Iran anyway.

-Hey, you get to be U.S. citizens; that means no visas. And you can elect your own governor.

-We want Reza Pahlavi II.

-Elect Ali Daie if you want; it’s none of my business. But he has to obey U.S. law. Iran will be under our legal jurisdiction.

-Do we get our own military?

-Are you kidding? Absolutely not! We are 100% responsible for your protection. U.S. Armed Forces has your back, and Bill of Rights has human rights covered, so we won’t rape you for demonstrating. We won’t take away your satellite dishes or make you wear hejab. Adultery is OK too; no stoning.

-Speaking of human rights, what about your IRS thugs? They’re worse than IRI thugs.

-I beg to differ. Anyway, no Federal income taxes for territories.  

-What a deal! What’s the downside? Do we have to give you our oil?

-Actually, no. If you want to be like Puerto Rico, you have control of your natural resources.

-You’re pulling my leg. What’s the catch?

-No catch. Some small issues regarding offshore stuff, but no big deal.

-Come on; I’m Iranian. What’s the catch?

-U.S. companies would be free to set up businesses in Iran, same as anywhere in the U.S. And any American would be able to buy land there, if you want to call that a catch. Come to think of it, don’t expect handouts for education or other public benefits. If you have poverty issues, joblessness or housing problems you have to dig yourselves out.

-I for one plan to be the ambassador to China, so no worries about a place to live.

-You can’t have embassies either. Remember, you won’t be a sovereign nation. We do all your international negotiations for you.

-I thought you said we have control of our resources. Can't we sell stuff to North Korea or Cuba?

-Don’t get sassy. Do you want to be a U.S. territory or not?

-Sure, but what if the Federal Government wants to do thinks we don’t like?

-How do you expect to have a say when you don’t have representation?

-You mean if you want to make a naval bombing range out of Ardabil, we can only protest and hope you’ll listen?

-Don’t worry; sometimes we listen to protests. We're very touchy feely.

-No sweat, then. I have to ask though, do we get to keep Nowruz, chelo kabab, backgammon and Googoosh?

-Make sure you invite me to the party.

-I bet we have to stop speaking Persian.

-No, Farsi is OK.

-"Persian" or I'll hang up the phone! I love my country...I mean my U.S. territory.

-Fine, "Persian!" Yes, you can speak any language you want in U.S. territories.

-Can we jail people who say "Farsi?" 

-Not in a U.S. territory. You'll have to stay a sovereign state to jail people for grammar.

-Guess we'll have to live with it. Another thing, grandma wants Koran recitaions at her funeral. Can we keep Islam until she croaks?

-You can sing operas to Zeus for all we care. Just don't go broadcasting it to the whole town.

-In that case, we’ve got a deal. Where's the pen?

- Just one more thing. Are you sure everybody in Iran is on board with you.

-100% once you’re done invading.

-Invade Iran?

-Just to get rid of the few who aren't with the program.

-How many do we have to “get rid of?”

-About 70 million.

-Let me think about that.


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Anahid Hojjati

Funny blog, Ari.

by Anahid Hojjati on

Can we still keep our teams including Futsal and wrestling?  My issue is whether we can keep our sports teams. I would still like to feel proud when our Futsal team demolishes US and also feel good when Japanese women learn Persian because of our wrestling team.


Dear Divaneh: America itself is having a difficulty...

by Bavafa on

Saying bilakh to China as it is.

I don't know how we can expect to say bilakh as merely a colony.  But if there is a way, I will be all for it :)

'Hambastegi' is the main key to victory 



It's tempting

by divaneh on

Thanks Ari for another good satire. Well none of those stuff that you listed would convince me. However when I imagine raising our tumbs and saying Bilakh to Russia and China, I get tempted.

I did not get the same impression as you from the RP interview in France 24 (is it the one that you are referring to?). He spoke like a very good politician and he ruled out any military action. He did propose himself as an all powerful monarch neither. I think he is one of our good politicians and deserve more credit for what he is doing for Iran. Let's face it, he has no need to do this.

Ari Siletz


by Ari Siletz on

Watching RP speak about the Saudi ambassador assassination plot-and almost every other public statement he has made or not made when appropriate (MEK delisting, for instance)--I get the impression that the best Iran can hope for under RP would be a Peurto Rico Iran. Not bad as you note, considering what we have now. I think most Iranaian invasion supporters have something like Puerto Rico in mind. Of course this is the most optimistic scenario. Perhaps our optimism is of a different sort: we Iranians can get our act together so that we can have both protection (provided by oursleves)  and independcence.

Veiled Prophet of Khorasan

Ari Jan

by Veiled Prophet of Khorasan on


I stand corrected. It actually is a pretty good deal :-) All of us become US citizens automatically. Get to move to Tehrangeles if we afford it. At the minimum we could visit with no visa.

Who needs a congress person anyway? Pick between IRS & senate; congress or no IRS; no senate; no congress the choice is obvious! Besides if I was really itching to vote for some idiot would move to Tehrangeles. 

How do we sign up? It sounds too good to be true. Besides we get all the nuclear waste we want :-) No sanctions; no threat of invasion. Would Saddam want to mess with US military; I don't think so. And of course no US bombing! 

Ari Siletz

Thanks folks,

by Ari Siletz on

VPK, federal tax is under the "human rights" section:


"-Speaking of human rights, what about your IRS thugs? They’re worse than IRI thugs.

-I beg to differ. Anyway, no Federal income taxes for territories. "

Veiled Prophet of Khorasan

You forgot to

by Veiled Prophet of Khorasan on


say there is no Federal tax! Now that is real sweet deal.


Oh, this was a delight to read...

by Bavafa on

Thank you so much for it.


'Hambastegi' is the main key to victory 



De Puerto Rico, con mucho amol, pol favol companero, pol favol!

by Hooshang Tarreh-Gol on