bahmani

The dictionary defines Utopia as: an imagined place or state of things in which everything is perfect.

Apparently when it comes to Iran, this is the wrong definition, and Merriam needs to pick up Webster on their way to consult with the Velayateh Faghih, in order to correct their definition.

Because apparently Iran is Utopia. Or at least they seem pretty sure to think so. Otherwise, they'd surely listen. No?

Apparently Utopia is a place where one out of every seven of us is blessed to be addicted to drugs or alcohol, and prostitution and promiscuous and risky sex is at a dazzling pace easily eclipsing the Shah period's record by over 1,000 percent. In Iran Sex and Drugs is OK you just can't get the Rock 'n Roll. Well at least not until the big earthquake Iran is due for any moment now, hits. Has it been the average of one every 10-20 years since Bam?

Apparently Utopia, is a place where you finally get the peace and quiet (emphasis on the quiet) to do a lot of shutting up and listening. So, put aside your traditional penchant and national and genetic trait for arguing with each other, and speaking your minds, and realize the benefit of just shutting the fuck up, sitting quietly with your hands in view and in your lap, and just listen to an utterly decrepit old idiot, who allows himself (NEVER herself) the exact same right that he gleefully (Yes, even with an angelic smile on his face) denies you.

Apparently Utopia is a place where if you toe the line every Friday, you get a free hot meal, complete with nice and toasty sangak and a US sanctioned Coke, and often paid a stipend for simply nodding, and bowing, and pretending to pray, and above all not shaving or wearing a tie. Kiss the hand of the speaker as he passes you by? You might even get that cush government job, stamping some sort of illegible stamps on some irrelevant building or other permits. And if you are really really good, and play your cards right, and fill out your ballots correctly, you'll even get a bag of potatoes around election time! Mmmmm! Potatoes!

Apparently Utopia is also a place in which it turns out that we "...don't need no stinkin' Constitution!". Especially the parts in the Constitution that require a majority vote of parliament to change things in it.

Apparently Utopia, is a place just like the US Marines. Except the credo of Semper Fidelis which means Always Faithful means always have faith or simply "just trust me" And here, the Proud badly want to tell the Few to fuck off, but just can't seem to do it.

[Side Note: Did you know that the sabre that the US Marines use in their formal ceremonies, is designed and patterned precisely based on the Persian Empire's design of the Shamsheer. Add this (carefully) to your list of things that the Persians have given the world.]

How do you now you're in Utopia? Well, beside the obvious fact that if you are physically in Iran, then "Welcome to Utopia!" But since Utopia can also be an exported, if altered state of mind (as well as an actual "Exported State" like Iraq and Afghanistan), the way you know that you are in Utopia is if things generally bug you enough that you want to scream, but you can't even bring yourself to speak about it softly. The more things bug you, and the more choked you feel, the more you know you are in (their) Utopia.

If you find that something inside you is making you do really stupid things on your own, automatically, kneejerk, and reflexively, you are probably a resident of Utopia. Things like tolerating injustice, oppression, outright evil, self censoring your thoughts before they even get anywhere near your fucking mouth, making yourself too afraid to even whisper, never mind speak your mind. You know, remember how you feel when you are frustrated and don't let yourself do anything about it?

That's how you know you're in their obviously perfect world. Precisely obvious, because obviously, it's just more fun (for them).