I Am A Citizen Of The WORLD

GW Bush is now retired. But not before he was given a 'warm' send-off gift of shoeicide in Iraq. The incident has created HISTORY of sorts. The world was sent spiraling with laughter.

If you have not watched the shoeicide video, it is there on YouTube. My eyes are still watering. There are cramps in my stomach. I suggest, see the flick “The President Is Coming” too.

He may not make news any more but whenever we will think of him, his BUSHisms will raise laughter.

A great country is facing recession, economic failure and depression. Many Americans have lost their life savings because of one man. But he is enjoying his life.

An eight-year long term of misfortune has wiped out many families. Jobs are hard to find and money even harder. It is difficult to say when the situation will improve.

We can thank God for small mercies that eight years are over. Hope the future is better.

My American friends (and so do many others) heaved a sigh of relief to see his back. (!) Reports say, Bush’s brother may stand for next election. (!!) And Bush Sr in ripe old age of 84, on his birthday, tried parachute jumping. (!!!)

For over eight years Bush had provided free entertainment par excellence with his BUSHisms. Some of them you will find in this script.

Bush, 62, is hale, hearty and 'kicking'. He has just received the first GOLDEN (PLATINUM) SHOE AWARD. He is enjoying his rare moment of glory. Relaxed, he chats up reporters.

This script is a political satire. Laugh and be merry. In these dark times, one needs it even more. This spoof will gladden the gloom. What the doctor prescribed. Cheers. Teehee!

CAST:
Dec 14, 2008 (Sunday), 8.37 pm
Press Conference, Prime Minister’s Palace, Baghdad, IRAQ
George “Walker” Bush
Size 10 SHOEs
MUNTADHAR AL-ZAIDI, 29, correspondent, Al Baghdadia TV, Cairo, EGYPT

Soon after the shoeicide attack, Bush called for another press conference to explain it.

JOURNALISTS: Good evening Mr President. We hope you are well.

BUSH: Bushit! Nothing is wrong with me. I am not a peon. I am the President of the United States. Nothing can touch me.

J: Mr President, Muntadhar shoeicided you!

B: Shoo! But the shoes didn’t touch me. I was very smart and agile. I dodged and ducked. And I gained a pair of size 10 shoe free of cost. My name is George Walker Bush. I will walk in these shoes. Arabs now equal me with Saddam by this honour.

J: Mr President! What are you saying? It was his used pair of shoe and not a new one.

B: This is the best Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year gift I have ever received. My farewell has started on sound footing. I am toeing the right line and following the correct footsteps. No US president can lay claim to this highest honour. Laura says I am quick and a natural athlete in ducking.

J: Yeah, you are a “natural” when compared to the American athletes.

B: Pardon me…Don’t beat around the Bush.

J: Shoeicide is a grave insult to the US and an assault on you. This…

B: Am I ambushed! He didn’t throw rotten tomatoes at me. That would be sort of insulting. This is true democracy. I believe in freedom of speech and welcome shoeicide.

J: What…!

B: Bushy. Bushy! His daring efforts have to be rewarded. Munty has set an example before the Americans worth emulating. The shoe must go on. Err, the show must go on.

J: He not only shoeisided you, he called you a DOG!

B: By the shoeside! That’s an insult to any dog especially my Burney! You useless reporters! You heard him wrong. He called me GOD! Do you hear me…correctly!

J: Err…Mr President…

B: Google search my name Bush and FAILURE comes up. Everyone called me Mr Failure. But today, I have made Munty a hero. I am the man behind his success. The Arab world has a role model just like our Spiderman, Batman and Bushman.

J: Bushman…!

B: Yeah, me! You don’t believe this! Doesn’t matter. Just joking, man. Now, back to the shoe business. Well, size 10 is just about right for me. It was the best hit and miss. I thoroughly enjoyed the experience. I…

J: Mr President but Dick Cheney said one shoe is size 9 and the other size 11.

B: Oh! Dick doesn’t know to duck. He is jealous of my rare success. He is having his two-second of fame on my account. And I can’t grudge him that. Let him enjoy it. Tell me, did I get shoeicided or him? I should KNOW the right size! Darn him.

J: Please don’t be upset. There is always a positive side to every lowly incident…

P: What do you mean by “lowly”? This is the high-point of my tenure. What was I before this – a US President? Now, I have come into my own. I have become a MAN.

J: What do you mean? Were you a woman earlier…

B: No, dumbos. Earlier I didn’t have an identity. I didn’t realise my true worth. I lived by a title. Now, I know what I am and what I can do. Come on, let’s sing U2’s “Sunday Bloody Sunday” from War. Let’s have our Sunday mass here. (Everybody sings.)

J: Mr President. There is a call for Shoe Revolution…

B: Bush league! It will definitely boost American image abroad. Terrorists were killing Americans. Now, they will hold us in respect. A bird in hand is worth two in the Bush.

J: This reminds us, Mr President. Terrorism and Inflation have reached newer heights during your tenure.

B: So what? Who will take the blame for 9/11? You? You gave so much publicity to the terrorists that they walked away with all the credit and glory and I am still on their trail.

J: How can you blame us? What script copies your press secretary wrote and gave us, we reproduced it ditto.

B: Why do I arrange for grand press conferences? Why do I give you big houses? At my pub you freely drink and sing "Come, come, come and make eyes at me down at the Old Bull & Bush"? Last year I gave you Blu Rays and HDMI TVs for Christmas and New Year. In return, what did you do for me? Nothing! My image is in shambles…

J: We are sorry. We…

B: Burning Bush! But report shoeicide properly. It should be my best send-off gift. As soon as Americans hear shoeicide, it should remind them of me. Someone has offered $ 10 million for them. I want to claim the reward.

J: Banks have shut down. People have lost money and jobs. Many can’t afford to buy even bread.

B: If they can’t buy bread, tell them to buy cake. Huh ha.

J: Mr President…!

B: Americans were blaming me for financial disasters, recession and even the hurricanes. But now Christmas sales are spiralling. There are Shoeicide online games selling like hot cakes. Shoe sales have increased all over the world. New shoeicide parodies are being made for TV.

J: Americans have to thank you for this.

B: Bushass! Now my TRP ratings have gone up. People can’t stop laughing seeing a repeat of shoeicide. There is heavy demand for this video on the Internet. The servers are clogged. I have the world’s eye balls. Americans are proud of me ducking. I will make shoeicide the American National Sport. For once I am happy for our security failure.

J: God save America.

B: Bushole! Mark my words. In near future, our security men will need security, much more than us. Latin leaders, Malaysia and Korea are having a hearty laugh. Bush is on everyone’s lips. There is cheer all around. Shoe me, shoo me but never ignore me. I have a new Bushism for you: BUSHoe + SHOEcide = BUSHoeicide. Ha! Haa!! Haaa!!!

J: Mr President, all are jeering you. They are slapping…

B: Bushisms! Let me correct you fools. Everyone is cheering me. They are clapping for me. They are giving me standing ovation. This is my Oscar worthy performance. I must get lifetime achievement award.

J: Mr President. You are not a Hollywood actor. You are…

B: You don’t need to tell me. I know what I am. As a President I have to act…convincingly. I envy Munty. He has got two marriage proposals. He is my SUCCESS, damn it. I want this shoe shower bath time and again. This is my shoegate.

J: What example are you setting before American generation X…

B: I lead by example. I want success at any cost, even insult. If I am insulted, my name will still be publicised. Any publicity is good publicity. American history has not been rewritten by Obama but by me. I raised American honour with shoeicide. American economy is rocking. Americans are laughing. There is hope alive for the great American dream.

J: Before seeing that dream, most of us would like to die.

B: OK. I will send you to the battle front to fight the ferocious and brave Afghani and Iraqi soldiers. That would serve you well. Let the war go on till 2011. Iraqi oil is like the icing on the cake. Afghani opium is pure and sells like hot cakes. Heavens! And Americans crib about taxpayers’ money and soldiers’ lives!

J: Mr President. This is the heights…

B: This is the height of business. I will lead a wealthy err healthy retired life. I AM A SUCCESS. I end my tenure on a happy note with shoeicide.

J: Err…

B: And you know what. City Councillor Eric Navickas - who (on Jan 5, 2009) opened the Mada Shell Gallery in Ashland, Oregon, threw red paint on the soles before people fired the footwear for only $1 a throw at my 8-foot image. She said it is solidarity with Munty and fun. This is the art and sole of America. Seems like, I am now famous in America.

J: Mr President…

B: Don’t Mr President me. I am famous in Canada too. Quebec Solidaire MNA Amir Khadir (on Dec 20, 2008) hurled a shoe at my effigy. Laura is saying it was a shoe of free expression. Baydan Shoe Company had renamed Munty’s shoe after me. Now I am known in Istanbul too.

J: (aside!) You mean notorious and not famous. Mr President, this is the best outgoing gift you can get. Now that your countdown has begun, Progressives are saying good riddance to “the end of ERROR”. You don’t get any bash but you are bashed.

B: I would actively advise Americans to open shoe business. Cash in on this free publicity. I may be booted out but the economy will rock.

J: Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…!!!

B: On Jan 29, 2009 a huge shoe sculpture with a bush planted inside and honouring Munty was erected in a war orphaned chidren’s foundation. I am very delighted.

J: Err…!

B: Let me tell you something. I am so buoyed with this incident that I have sent an express message to Afghan President Hamid Karzai. Tomorrow I will be there. I have asked him to pre-arrange a shoeicide there. I want a repeat performance.

J: Why?

B: I want another free pair of shoe. It will be called BuSHOE. I don’t mind it being used. Used is good but free is even better. You never know, shoeicide may be launched as a BRAND!