eroonman

I think we've all seen enough Bourne Identity films by now to know that whenever a spy is caught or released, there is a whole lotta quid pro quo going on. Here's my Top 10 reasons Amiri may have decided to go back: (ranked in all likelihood that Hollywood would be interested in the script)

1- Amiri's Family has been targeted and threatened by the IRI. (This one isn't supposed to be funny, so I thought I'd get it out of the way now)

2- Amiri was kidnapped by the US to obtain the release of the 3 hikers, who we will learn in the sequel, in fact were spies. but were really hitch-hikers, and were arrested for using the international hitch hiking thumb's up sign in rural Iran.

3- Amiri was kidnapped by the US to extract details on Iran's nuclear program only to find out that Amiri was only in charge of the Natanz nuclear facility commissary and other than a pretty damn good recipe for Wednesday's Tah-Cheen, had little or no useful knowledge.

4- Amiri came out hoping his cousin Goli Ameri could get him a Green Card, only to learn that Goli is neither his cousin, nor has she any pull now that the Bush administration is dead and buried. Goli held a Republican fund raiser sponsored by rich Iranian Democrats for him anyway. (NOTE This was funnier when I misspelled Amiri as Ameri, but I'm keeping it in to make fun of Goli Ameri, the only Iranian political candidate inept enough to lose an election to a sex offender)

5- Amiri was initially going to take the 10 million to go on CNN, but after learning it was going to be on Larry King instead of the far cooler AC360, said, "Fu** That Sh**!" and walked away. Christiane Amanpour tried to calm Amiri down as she walked him to the elevator past always astonished Fareed Zakaria.

6- Amiri left the tour bus in Mecca to go to the bathroom and was accidentally picked up by Senator Larry Craig who mistook the sound of Amiri's tokhmeh cracking for toe tapping.
7- After being held in Arizona for almost a year and being tortured by the CIA, Amiri left because compared to Tehran summers, Arizona was too cold.

8- Amiri was picked by a Maricopa County Sheriff's deputy in East El Paso Arizona, not for appearing to be a Mexican illegal, but for backing his 2005 side-mirror-less white Kia at full speed down a one way street while blasting Benyamin's "Loknat" on the car stereo. When asked why he was driving backwards so fast, Amiri replied, "Yo!, Dat's how we do it in Tehran, 'Nome Sayin' Biot**!"

9- While she was in Iran, Amiri met Roxana Saberi because they had the same wine delivery service and she fell in love with him, and things got so creepy that she eventually went to Evin prison and refused to leave Iran until the IRI promised to put Amiri on a plane to the US. After coming to the US, an ecstatic Roxana threw Amiri a party at a chic wine bar in Georgetown to celebrate his freedom. Everything was going well until Bill, one of Roxana's co-workers from accounting made the mistake of asking the wine steward to bring them a Merlot flight. At that point Amiri finally snapped, "If anyone orders Merlot, I'm leaving. I am NOT drinking any fu**ing Merlot!"

10- Amiri finally decided to return to Iran because after almost a full year, he realized 2 things, Not one Iranian outside of Iran knew how to spell NoRooz correctly, and not one American could pronounce Nuclear correctly.