eyeranian

Monogamy IS natural,

...so is Pederasty, polyamory, Polygamy, Polygynandry, Orgies, and hundreds of different combinations of these sexual behaviors. But also, eating shit is natural. Many animals including humans do it regularly. It has helped wide variety of animals to survive for millenniums; it helps with recycling of beneficial bacteria which is essential for proper digestion of food. Also at times of famine it keeps one from starving.

However, society has established rules for eating shit and marriage, which is a legal contract between two humans in a marital relationship. Also, love is an emotional contract. If a person is in a monogamous relationship then that contract is between two people. If a person is in a multi-partner relationship, which "Help Me" is not, then that contract is between many people.

"Help Me" is in a marital contract but at the same time she is in a multi-partner relationship without her husband's knowledge or consent, which nullifies her marital contract. She needs to keep one of the contracts and discard the other, or at least give her husband a chance to make up his mind, whether this arrangement is acceptable to him or not.

Male Perspective,

You are not creative enough

To help you (not feeling guilty) and your boy friend, you need to be creative, have a party of four with a lot of booze (alcohol that is) and some estacy (designer drug) and finally some viagra. Dining room should be lit with candles, this whole thing might lead to a very creative night and in the end you feel less guilty, actually you might enjoy it and try it with other too.

Souri, Since when is

Souri,

Since when is being a man the same as being anti feminist? I'm a woman, I believe in equality of the sexes but I'm an anti feminist. So what? This is an Iranian man. So of course he sees it from his perspective. And JUST MAYBE women are sexual objects...to a heterosexual man. Just like men are sexual objects to a heterosexual woman. But that doesn't mean that's all we've been reduced to. I can be a sexual object and be many other things. So can this dude.

There's no way to give any advice to this person. We have no information. Is the husband sick? I knew someone in this situation but the husband had a sekteh maghzi and was in a wheel chair. We have no clue what's going on.

But an affaire can sometimes help relationships because they provide distraction and give some fresh life to monogamous relationships that are unnatural.

Go Eye!

I like J's approach but it seems like need help already said it wasn't an option. As for the other woman, just ignore her eyeranian. This site gets all kinds of interesting people.

Build on the positives

Ok you two, bas. none of this helps 'needs help'.

My advice to 'needs help', for what its worth is to encourage her to talk to her husband about how she is feeling bored, unloved, unvalued  .. what ever else. Not that she is having an affair. That will without doubt end the marriage, for what thats worth, and she obvviously doesnt want to do that. I really dont advocate lying to a spouse or anyone in fact as it always ends in tears but she seems to want to save her marriage, so it has some value to her and that is a good starting point, so build on that.

We know so litle about this marriage, why she is bored etc. but having affair is not the solution. The affair must end now, it does not resolve the problem but complicates it further.

I know 'needs help wrote that talking to her husband is not an option .. why? Communication in relationship is essential if it is going to be successful on any level be it, romantic or only for practical reasons.

'needs help' you have a few options here and  eyearian is right in that you will only get out of this what you put into it, If you are so unhappy about your situation and want to change it, then you have to think long and hard about what is important to you and what you want to achieve. The solution you seek is not going to materialise out of no where. You got your self into this mess and now you have to get your self out of it with the least possible damage to your marriage if you want to keep it.

And if you decide to change your mind and talk to your husband, then dont whine about why you're unhappy or make demands, that is an instant conversation killer... rather presnt your needs to him positively or encourage him when something makes you happy eg I love it when we .... or do you remember when we did .... I realy like that. You have to build on what good thngs exist not critise what you dont like.

Im sure your husband is as unhappy as you are and he will probably be eager to make some changes too.

Go gently

Javaneh

No worries you'll get the last laugh...

What a mess!

Eyeranian, i think you did a great job. Your only problem is that you are an Iranian man, therefore you are guilty and you must pay the price for what souri's alike have heard from their grildfriends about Iranian men treating women badly.

And their girlfriends must be right because all over the western media you constantly hear about how women are treated so badly in Iran. That's your fault too Eyeranian. You must pay.

Meanwile sterotype among Indians is that if you don't stand in the way of the Iranian men, they'll conquer the world, and that's gotta be your fault too. Forget the fact that, at least among my circle of married friends, the Iranian men are truly saints when compared to their ideal men.

What a mess!

What solution ?

Why you repeatedly ask me to bring a solution ? I never said I have one !

I haven't declared myself as a pro in relationship or an adviser in it. You, did it.

My problem is not only your kind of advices, my problem is YOU, Your column, and Your vision about women. In all your "advices" there are always Women spotted !

- " Cheating wife "

- " How do I make my GF have a three-some?"

- " Sex with someone’s wife?? "

We (women)  are not objects. We are not the thing to do something about or with.

Did you get my point this time ?

I believe the one who has a problem and need help is yourself ! As I said you are too much stuck in the Sex subject. Aren't you a cousin of Hajagha Canadai ?

As soon as you see an objection from a reader, you accuse them of having an unresolved issue. You said this to me and you said same thing in the other blog to Sex Aficionado:

"Me thinks "Sex Aficionado" has questions but is afraid to ask!"

You know what  ? I believe this is you, who have a major problem ! Check it in your past:  your relationships, your wife , and your friends.

What is YOUR solution???

Dear Souri:

I did in fact read your message. All of your message. But since what you "seem" to think of me isn't really that important, I didn't want to suggest that you may be the one with obvious unresolved issues, so I generalized the need to seek therapy for all who may need it.

I truly am sorry that reading my advice column (obviously) makes you so upset. My best suggestion is to only read (female) Kobra Khanoom's version.

As to your last point: Tell me one thing, if this woman can give pleasure to another man without the belly dance, why this shouldn't work with her own husband?

My answer: because different people are turned on by different things. One man may like being tied up, another likes to be always in charge. The same obviously goes for women; one likes rough sex, another may be more romantic. One woman is attracted to men that are more athlethic and maculine, while her twin sister is only turned on by musicians. Who really knows what turns each of us on?

Since "Need Help" doesn't have the choice to get out of her marriage and hates both cheating on her husband as well as staying in, my advice still is to find a way to get some sexual pleasure at home so perhaps she doesn't need to go outside her marriage. The same would have applied if she was a male, trapped in the same situation. 

I am still waiting to see if you can offer a different suggestion to her, instead of trying to make this a man vs. woman issue.

:o)

Read my comment again...

You didn't get the last part, or you pretend you didn't. The therapy was for you and not for your imaginary reader.

As I said you seem to suffer from "Male superiority disorder" ...

"Need Help" wrote me to ask for advice. Obviously she wanted my (male) point of view..." !!!

"I have not received a message from a male reader with the exact same question...." 

Sure, because, Male have never such a problem. All is permitted to them, Doc!

"Surely if she wanted yours,you would have received her email instead...."

I am not that much stocked in those field as you are, so it's a pleasure for me to let this task to yourself.

"Nowhere in the question or my reply the word "fault" was used and its not even relevant as my only hope is to find a "solution...".

You advise her to take charge by taking the course of dances etc...as if the husband's lack of interest to sex is her fault and she is the one who has to repair this.

Tell me one thing, if this woman can give pleasure to another man without the belly dance, why this shouldn't work with her own husband ?

There will be a hell to pay!

I remembered several months, or 1-2 years, ago a woman wrote an article in iraniandotcom about her extra marital affair. I searched for it but I could not find it. In that article she described her dilemma in more details. From what I remember vaguely she was in her thirties at the time, with two children, and stuck in the marriage because of traditional family obligations and her children. I wonder if this is the same woman. Her story was very touching and it was described in more detail than this short paragraph.

Regardless, a marriage is an invention by humans to regulate the legal mess that is usually created when two people have a union and then they want to go their separate ways. Love on the other hand is not a civil contract, but an emotional one, and when two people are emotionally contracted to love and cherish each other, in no way having an affair on the side could be justified. Either way, an affair is a contract breaker, whether it is a legal or emotional contract.

So, you need to make up your mind which contract you want to keep and which one you want to dispose of. As most things in life you can't have it both ways. I am sure at one time or another you have tried to teach this to your children. So it is your turn to act on the lecture.

Sooner or later your house of cards will crumble down, and there will be a hell to pay! You better be prepared for it.

Male Perspective,

Questions Within Question? Cool!

Dear Souri;

Thank you for your reply, even if it came from a very non-constructive and purely hostile point of view.

I am not sure what "anti-feminist" means. Maybe you mean my point of view is pro-male and/or anti-women. But then again, you don't know me and surely won't judge another person by just reading two paragraphs.

"Need Help" wrote me to ask for advice. Obviously she wanted my (male) point of view, which is what I offered. Surely if she wanted yours, you would have recieved her email instead. But even now, you still refused to offer one single word in your lenghty reply that she could use as advice. I guess attacking me was more important than trying to help her.

I would love to see what options you'd offer her.

But as for your question; Souri asks: Mr. eyeiranian, do you give the same advice to the cheating man's wife, too? If a wife cheat, it's her fault and if a man cheat, it's again his wife's fault? So, according to you, sex relationship is always a woman's responsibility !! What a poor advice. What a poor guy. Let me tell you gentleman, you suffer from a "Male superiority" disorder. Go see a therapist fast instead of coming hear to ridicule yourself !

Dear Souri;I have not recieved a message from a male reader with the exact same question but if you had read the last part of my reply to "Need Help", I told her about her married lover that "he’s probably in the exact situation as you and just waiting for somebody to tell him to stop taking the easy way out and deal with his issues", so the answer is obviously yes. Nowhere in the question or my reply the word "fault" was used and its not even relevant as my only hope is to find a "solution". As to seeing a therapist, I believe that is a great advice, too bad "Need Help" says she doesn't have that option. Hopefully other people in her situation, or those with any other unresolved issues could take advantage of such luxury.

Wishing you the best in love and peace.

My advice to "Need Help"

Don't seek advices from this guy. He is an Anti-feminist and all he wants is trying to bring down women and humiliating them.

Although we all know that you don't exist and he invents all those personages in order to bring his stupid comments about women, but I reply to your question, as a virtual person. Here:

"What I can tell you for certain is that your husband either already knows, suspects something or at some point will eventually find out..."

Believe it, such an idiot husband who already knows or suspect you are cheating and don't do anything about that, he deserve what you are doing to him. (bi boro bargard)

Nobody has a right to teach you anything such as "taking a belly dance course !!) this is the most stupid and  humiliating advice I have ever heard !

Did your husband know you before marriage? How was the sex during the first years (or months) of the marriage ? Have you had to dance for bringing him to the bedroom ?

Why you guys are so selfish ?

Mr. eyeiranian, do you give the same advice to the cheating man's wife, too? 

If a wife cheat, it's her fault and if a man cheat, it's again his wife's fault?

So, according to you, sex relationship is always a woman's responsibility !!

What a poor advice. What a poor guy. Let me tell you gentleman, you suffer from a "Male superiority" disorder.

Go see a therapist fast instead of coming hear to ridicule yourself !