The Assassin!


The Assassin!
by Faramarz

A Fictional Story about a Plot to Assassinate an IR Regime Official by an Blogger

Rahbar had called an urgent meeting with all the heads of Sepah and the Ghods Force. He was furious over the foiled assassination attempt on the Saudi Ambassador in DC.

“We are the butt of all jokes in the world! Whose brilliant idea was it to put a used-car salesman and a Mexican drug dealer in charge of this sensitive operation? Are you guys stupid? Do you know how many used-car salesman jokes I have been getting on my Tweeter account? Here, this one just came from Hugo Chavez, “What do you get when you send an Iranian used-car salesman to Mexico to get a drug dealer assassin? A Crack Lemon!” Gentlemen, we need to do something and we need to do it quickly.”

Soleimani, the head of Ghods got up apologetically. “We have been working on a plan to retaliate against the Global Arrogance in the same manner. We will set up a sting operation that will show that the US is behind an assassination attempt on our UN Representative. We will produce tapes as proof and will take them to the Security Council. At the end, we will agree to a swap and get our used-car salesman back. Let my deputies Commander Shahlai and Colonel Shakuri explain.”

Shakuri connected his laptop to the overhead projector and started the PowewrPoint presentation. Shahlai described the plan.

“We have been monitoring site for the past few months and we have seen an uptake in the intensity of the arguments between those who are sympathetic to us and those who are advocating strong action against us. We believe that we can leverage this situation and hatch an assassination plot of our UN Representative by an informant and then produce the tapes as the proof. We have identified one of the bloggers Forouzan, who is sympathetic to us and has argued strongly against military action against us as our informant. She is a single woman and is looking for some romantic adventures that could be the bait to get her to work with us. We have also identified another blogger Fardin, who has been advocating the use of force against us as the potential assassin. Our plan is to have Forouzan lure Fardin to a romantic getaway and in a vulnerable moment have Fardin agree to the plot. We will have the place all wired before hand and will have the proof to show the world.”

Hojat-ol-eslam Ghara’ati who is an expert in sexual matters in Islam chimed in. “I have studied their profiles and while they seem to be going at it politically every day on, I detect some sexual tensions and undercurrents there, or as it was explained by Emam Sadegh, she can make him believe that she is submissive to his desires!”

A few days later Fardin walked into his condo at a Chicago high rise and noticed an email on his iPhone. He was surprised that it was a private email from Forouzan through

“What the hell, she harasses me all day on the site and now she is sending me an email too at home. What does she want from me?”

He opened the email and to his surprise, the tone was very conciliatory, “Fardin Jaan, I have been thinking about what you have been saying about the Regime and I see some merit in your point of view. I would like to learn more about strong sanctions and targeted use of force from you! I am going to Cancun for a few days and would like to ask you to join me there. I think that we can work things out.”

Fardin was pleasantly surprised. He decided to give it a go. After all, it was getting really cold in Chicago and the idea of a few days on the beach seemed very appealing.

Fardin and Forouzan met at the lobby of The Ritz in Cancun on Saturday and quickly became friends. They spent the afternoon on the beach talking about life and politics and started to enjoy each other’s company. They had dinner at the seafront restaurant and went for a walk on the beach after the chocolate soufflés. Meanwhile the Ghods operatives were in her room wiring the place and installing secret cameras.

After a while, Forouzan gave Fardin that look that was the invitation to go to her room. It didn’t take too long for things to get hot in her room! In the heat of the passion, and in the middle of the action, she all of a sudden said, “Tell me that you love me!”

Fardin whispered, “Oh, I love you!”
“Tell me that you would kill for me!”
“I will kill for you!” Fardin screamed with excitement.
“Will you kill Khazaee, the Iranian Representative to the UN for me?”
“I will, I will. I will do whatever you say.” Fardin tried to maintain focus.
“Say that you will kill him in front of the Chelokabobi on the Lower East Side.”
“I will kill Khazaee in front of the Chelokabobi on the Lower East Side.” She gave him a passionate kiss as she rolled over.

Next morning they met at the hotel lobby. She said that she had arranged for a day-long trip to Belize to do some scuba diving. Fardin was all excited. The trip was getting more and more interesting. They headed to the airport, went through the gate and on to the tarmac and towards an Air Caribe small Tupolev plane. As they got close to the plane, Fardin noticed that the Air Caribe logo was freshly painted over on what appeared to be a Mahan Air logo. It seemed odd, but he didn’t think much of it. As he got on the empty plane, he noticed the two Russian pilots were drinking vodka and singing in the cockpit. He also noticed that the flight attendant looked very Iranian, although she spoke perfect English!  

Fardin quickly put the two and two together. He realized that it was a trap and that he was on a Sepah airliner, most likely headed to Iran. He quickly grabbed his bag, jumped out of the plane and ran as fast as he could towards the gates. Forouzan was shocked and surprised as she ran after him. “Wait, comeback, don’t leave me here. I want to tell you about the targeted sanctions and the red phone and the dialogue with the Regime and the reform!” But Fardin was not listening. He was running for his life as he disappeared into the crowd at the busy airport.

Meanwhile back in Tehran, Rahbar had a reception at his house for all the heads of Sepah and the Ghods Force. Soleimani quietly approached Rahbar and whispered, “We got the tapes earlier today and the Electronic and Photoshop Brigade did a great job in putting the evidence together. It is going to be air tight.” He then looked at his watch and told Rahbar, “Fardin should be on his way to Venezuela by now and then after a brief refueling he will be coming our way.”

“Make sure that Press TV is at Mehrabad when he steps off the plane. I want it to be sensational.” Rahbar said with a smile.

As Fardin’s plane was approaching O’Hare for landing, he was still trying to put all the pieces together. It was a memorable 24 hours for sure. He thought about writing a blog about the whole episode the next day, but then he just smiled and whispered quietly, “A Gentleman Will Never Tell!”


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Fool Me twice...

What we have Here, is failure to communicate.

by Fool Me twice... on

here's a true story i read somewher, put this in your pipe & smoke it. might help your creativity. (w/all due "respect")

                                                                                                    {یکی بود یکی نبود, زیر گنبد کبود, پشت یک کوه بلند, میونِ بیشه ی سبز, یه کشور تاریخی بود. آره بچه های خوب من, اسم اون                           

مملکتِ خوب و قشنگ ایران بود, یا که بعضیا اونو پرشیا هم میخوندند. مردمانی مهربون, دلاشون بی غش و پاک. کارشون کردارِنیک, حرفشون گفتار نیک, روشنیِ راهشون پندارِ نیک. تا که یک ابر سیاه روی اون سایه کشید. داستان ما ولی حقیقته, خیلی هم قدیمی نیست.

داستانمون رو از وقتی آغاز میکنیم که یه امام در صحنه ی سیاسی سری تو سرا درآورد, حدودأ سالهای ١٣٤٠ , اولین بار که به مبارزه شجاعانه روی آورد خیلی جالبه( قابل توجه بانوان محترم). صحبت از قانونمند نمودن حق رأی برای بانوان بود, که اون امام راحل(که ٧٢ قافله دل همره اوست) بانگ وامصیبتا برآورد: ای مردم چه نشسته اید که دین و مذهبتون به باد رفت. حالا بر فرضِ مثال نیمی از جمعیت مملکت هم حق تصمیم گیری برای چگونگی اداره کشور را نداشته باشند, خیالی نیست. خلاصه کلی غوغاسالاری مدنی کرد (برای محفوظ داشتن عدم شرکت بانوان در تصمیمات کشوری) تا بالاخره به پاداش آنهمه جانفشانی تبعید شد به اتبات عالیات, ولی اونجا هم دست بردار نبود که نبود. در ادامه فرستاده شد به بلادِ فرانس , پاریس, نوفل لوشاتو, جنب نونوایی لویی باگِت. خلاصه در پایانِ هجرت غمناک به کشور مراجعت نمود, و در هواپیما وقتی از ایشان پرسیدند: از بازگشت به وطن چه احساسی دارند در کمال مصرت فرمودند: هیچی. در این مقطع لازم میدانم که نکته بسیار مهمی را به اطلاع عموم برسانم. برخلاف ادعاهای حسودان مبنی بر کمکهای بیدریغ اجانب به ایشان, باید خاطر نشان نمود که آن والامقام نه دیناری از سازمان سیا و حاج جیمی کارتر قبول فرمودند نه از امثال شبکه ی بی بی سی کمکی قبول کردندی. اگر هم بخیلان گفتند: آقا جان کمک مالی دلار اِمریکا بود, نه دینار, شما باز هم باور نفرمایید. قبل از بازگشت و در بدوِ ورود هر جور وعده تصور بفرمایید صادر فرمودند: از آزادی سیاسی تا مسکن و آب و برق و اتوبوس مجانی, یه عده میگفتند یعنی کرایه مجانی, بعضیا میگفتند هر کسی یه اتوبوس میگیره, اینجوری دیگه احتیاجی به اتوموبیل شخصی نیست و هوا هم کمتر آلوده میشه (به نظر نگارنده امام خمینی اولین محیطبان دنیا هم بوده) خلاصه هر چه ایشان با زور میخواست آزدی بده مردم ما گفتند نمیخوان. از اَمام اصرار, از اونا انکار. بعدش هم هزاران نفر را که از خرِ شیطون پایین بیا نبودن و سالها در کمپ های آزادی اوین و قزلحصار و رشت و تبریز و کردستان و خوزستان سرگرم عیش و نوش (٢٤ ساعته) بودن را مفت و مجانی فرستاد به بهشت. راستی تا یادم نرفته بگم که دوران خیلی طلایی بود. حالا برسیم به یاران باوفای اون دوران طلایی. یه رییس جمهور بود که بعد رهبر معظم(مادامالعمر) شد. یه رییس مجلس بود که بعدش ٨سال در مقام ریاست جمهوری سازندگی کرد و رییس خبرگان و تشخیص مصلحت و شورای نگهبان شد. یه نخست وزیر بود که بعدش تشریف برد در شورای امنیت ملی و بعد از ٢٠ سال یادش افتاد قطار نظام مقدس از ریل خارج شده و تصمیم گرفت برش گردونه به اون ایستگاه طلایی امام راحل. یه وزیر ارشاد بود که در اوایل انقلاب میخواست توی کلاس دانشگاه ها دیوار آجری بکشه, که امام تیلقراف زد که بابا دمت گرم سیّد بیخیال, تو دیگه خیلی کارت بیسته, سرانجام هم ٨سال در مقام آبدارچی, ببخشید رییس جمهور, هی چپ و راست اصلاحات کرد و گفتگوی تمدنها راه انداخت. یه رییس بنیاد شهید هم بود که بعدش رییس مجلس شد و آخر کار مدعی شد که اصلأ انتخابات آزادی وجود نداره. یه آق محمود هم بود که کارنامه شون از زمان وقوع قتلهای مخالفان در اروپا تا شهرداری تهران و ریاست جمهوری زورکی جلو چشم هست ,ولی بعد از پاس ریاست جمهوری خوره بازی درآورده و هی تک روی و تکخوری میکنه بی معرفت. هر چی هم که این یاران امام پیغوم پسغوم میدن که بابا محمود خان ما خودمون حق آب و گِلی داریم, نرود میخ آهنین بر سنگ. اینه که حضرات به تکاپو افتادن, چونکه سهم خودشون کم/قطع شده. والا این جماعت و جیره خوارانش, [اعم از ‌آخوند و بِچه آخوند (با عمامه و فُکُل کراواتی) و روشنفکر نما و بزرگ شده آمریکا/اروپا و اصلاح طلب و لاغ نویس و استاد دانشگاهِ بی دانش و ...] هیچ وقت دنبال احقاق حقوق مردم ما نبوده, نیستند و نخواهند بود.  

(زنده یاد فریدون فرخزاد: جهان میگذره, با ١٠٠ تومَن و بی ١٠٠ تومَن, ولی خیلی بده که آدم فاحشه مغزی باشه.)

                                                                                  یا حق.                                                                                     

Ari Siletz

Fun story!

by Ari Siletz on

Though missing the obligatory musical interlude.

If I may recommend:


Soosan Khanoom

LOL ... Faramarz

by Soosan Khanoom on


but he is more Austin Powers than Fardin .... 



and this is the guy who wired the money to them .. 

austin powers the spy who shagged me



Funny blog ... !!!


G. Rahmanian


by G. Rahmanian on

I thought your last blog was the best, but this one is as good! So hilarious I could Ghaa Ghaa(LOL)all day long, but I got other things to do. I just say, I loved it.

maziar 58


by maziar 58 on

Faramarz khan for the scary plot!!

you forgot to add the name of  first $ 100.00 donor who wired to IC as a proof.

khoda biyamorze fardin va foruz...

I'm not sure if she is still in Iran.


Anahid Hojjati

Very funny Faramarz

by Anahid Hojjati on

You combine two interesting subjectsl; Iran's plot and IC bloggers (interesting at least to IC readers I hope :) and it gets good and juicy.



by divaneh on

Thanks for this fun story Faramarz. I didn't know Fardin was in favour of temporary marriage.

Oon Yaroo

Fardin & the mountains...!

by Oon Yaroo on

I wonder if they were watching this clip in the Ritz when they were making whoopee!?


BTW, pay attention and listen to the end of the clip where Sepehrnia tells Fardin, "Hey Cheteh, tow Ke Dari Dokhtararo Meekhori...!"