Retirement Home!

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by Faramarz

A Fictional Story about a Retirement Home for Readers in the Year 2045!

JJ had been thinking about his latest project for quite a while! After dedicating many years of his life to promoting peace and harmony among Iranians all over the world, he stumbled upon his latest project; a retirement home and senior citizen center for all readers!

Many readers were in their golden years and most did not want to burden their kids or spouses at their old age, so they embraced JJ’s offer and they all moved to a multi-story building in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. The parcel of land that housed the building was situated between a Wahabi mosque and Islamic cultural center, and an orthodox Jewish synagogue and, across the street from a liquor store and a strip joint.

JJ took over the top floor and in order to maintain peace and quiet he assigned each floor to the people of the same ideals!

The monarchists were housed on the floor below him. Darius Kadivar became the floor warden and decorated the place with the Royal Family pictures. A replica of Cyrus cylinder and the final will of Dariush, the Great were placed in a glass cabinet for everyone to see. As you walked out of the elevator, there was a large picture of the Royal family hosting Onasis and Jackie Kennedy with Jamileh belly dancing in the background.

The next floor down belonged to the poets. The place looked very serene. Anahid and Souri had done a great job decorating the floor with pictures of famous Iranian poets and poetry books were on all coffee tables. On Tuesday nights, they held an open house on their floor and invited everyone to come and read their poems. Once in a while, they would roll their eyes as more novice participants from lower floors read their poems!

The next floor down was for the pro-regime crowd. There were pictures of Khomeini, Khamenei, Ahmadinejad and Basijis decorating the walls. There was a sign on the wall pointing to the direction of Mecca and reminders about praying times. All signs were in English though!

Reformists lived on the next floor down. There wasn’t much in the way of furniture there, just a large table where they sat and had constant discussions and arguments about the imminent Israeli air attack on the nuclear facilities. They were all very excited about the news that Putin’s grandson who is now the President of the Russian Federation had promised that Bushehr nuclear plant will finally be operational in the next 3 months!

The rest of the readers shared the lower floors.

As a prerequisite to live in the senior citizen home, JJ had required that everyone should participate in the daily chores.

Fair is running the security operations for the complex. Sargord applied for a job with him, but could not shoot straight so he had to settle for the valet parking attendant job. Sargord who had completely given up on learning Farsi, had gone to Damascus for a couple of years and had learned Arabic. He now worked part-time in the day care center of the Wahabi mosque reading children’s book. The kids really like the Sparrow story.


ان دیک و من الهندی
جمیل الشکل و القدی
ولی تاج و الا رسی
لان حسن الصوتی  

The large kitchen on the first floor immediately became a point of contention. Almost everyone had their own ideas about the menu. JJ finally intervened and created a few cooking stations. Monda and Organic Nutritionist are in charge of the healthy foods and fusions.  Dirty Angel worked there for a short while, but she was let go! The problem was that she once substituted tofu for Mahicheh in her Bagali Polo which created a riot among the men in the dinning room. She now works part-time at the beauty shop and is thrilled that most Iranian men have lost their hair and don’t need haircuts anymore.

Fatollah is in charge of Kabob Koobideh. He is the only one who knows how to make the meat stick to skewers. Mazloom runs the grill and Manghal. He is the only person that can be trusted with Kabobs, bread and Reyhoon. MM was in charge of Manghal before, but he was passing too many Kabob sandwiches around to the hungry men and hardly any of the Kabobs made it to the tables! Anonymouse is running the Sangak oven which is the most popular place in the kitchen. Cost-of-Progress is the Tahdig expert and once in a while he would quietly slip a piece to you, if he liked you! Temporary Bride runs the Persian pastry station. Her Baghlava and Yazdi sweets are a crowd pleaser on Thursday nights during the Bingo game.

Hamsade Ghadimi is in charge of the Bingo game. He is the one who caught the pro-regime bingo players with fake bingo cards that were made in China, after they claimed that they had won the top prize of 3 Parnian blankets.

Mehman is the bartender at the clubhouse and is very generous with the shots of tequila. The management suspects that he might be taking a few shots himself, but he swears that a couple of pro-regime ladies sneak into the bar area late at nights and party. Fair is going to put a security camera near the tequila bottles and try to catch them in action!

Red Wine is the most popular guy with the women. On Friday nights, he teaches the ladies how to dance Tango Argentina. There is a long line of women who want to dance with him. They are all dressed in black sexy dresses and high heel shoes and let him take the lead.

Yolanda and Monda run the water aerobics and yoga classes for the ladies, but they haven’t been able to get any of the men to participate. The men just want to sit around and look. Masoud and Roozbeh usually sit by the pool and play backgammon. A few days ago, they poured some bleach into Sargord’s washing machine in the Laundromat and totally ruined his prized Ahmadinejad T-shirt. Mahmoud never looked so white and clean!

Divaneh and Shazde are the co-captains of men’s shallow-pool water polo team. Every Wednesday morning there is a competitive match between the men’s team and the women’s team co-captained by Niki and Mehrban. Ali P. is the referee and last week he ejected both Divaneh and Shazde from the pool after they spent too much time under water checking out the ladies’ legs! Maziar and Majid are the captains now, but it looks like that they may get ejected too!

Cousin Mehrdad Bavafa is good with the mechanical stuff and is responsible for fixing the wheelchairs. He once messed up the brakes on the wheelchairs of a couple of pro-regime guys and they ended up at the clinic. Doctor X whose license was suspended for aggressive mammogram exams runs the clinic and the spa. There are some rumors about him and one of the nurses!

Nobody quite knows what Faramarz does! A couple of weeks ago, he was accused by the chubby maids for inappropriate behavior and pinching, which he vehemently denies. He is now barred from the premise on Friday mornings while the maids are working. Instead, he spends his time at Costco, comparison shopping.

قو قولی قو قو

خروس بی محل همسایه منو از خواب بیدار کرد

I was awakened by the neighbor’s rooster! Was it all a dream?

It is still 2010!

I am not quite ready for the year 2045!


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by yolanda on

My favorite segments are about Sargort, Dirty Angel, and Red cracked me up!

I am just glad to be portrayed as mentally stable! Yeah!

ebi amirhosseini

Faramarz Jaan

by ebi amirhosseini on

ان دیک و من الهندی
جمیل الشکل و القدی
ولی تاج و الا رسی
لان حسن الصوتی

I heard this from my Dad when I was a kid !

You made me homesick.

Great blog as always.

Silent admirer of your blogs.

Ebi aka Haaji


Very Funny Fery Jan

by Mehman on

Nice humour Faramarz, enjoyed it, hope I'll make it till that year! but I promise if I do I'll make a good bartender!


How did you know

by Cost-of-Progress on

that I really am the tahdig expert, love those things...

Funny story - very talented. 





Very funny

by divaneh on

Loved your imagination Faramarz jaan. I think we need Ari and Nazy to report on those water polo games.

Dear Majid,

It is just false accusations. We were looking for the ball.


What an imagination! Great blog Framarz.

by MM on

If you dream again, I promise to do better on my manghal duties. 

Anahid Hojjati

Faramarz jan,very funny,but we will need Laleh, Azadeh,Orang

by Anahid Hojjati on

Faramarz jan, what a nice story but Souri and I need few of other IC poets on our floor such as Orang, laleh Gillani and Azadeh Azad. Thanks for another funny story.


Funny :)

by R2-D2 on





Dear cousin Framarz,

by Bavafa on

به خدا تقصیر من نبود، این اسرائیلی‌ها دست کاریش کرده بودن

[And also in English so there won't be any hard feeling with Brother Sargord]

I swear I had nothing to do with the brakes failing, the Israelis had sabotage the brakes






دیوانه و شازده بخاطر دید زدن پروپاچهء این خانومای تو عکس اخراج شدند؟؟ اگه این واقعیت داشته باشه اونهارو بخاطر بدسلیقگی باید از اون ایالت بیرون کرد!

من و مازیار هم همین الآن از این پست استعفا میدیم! یه سِمت دیگه واسه ما دست و پاکن تا دست زیاد نشده!

ولی احسنت به فکر و قلمت!

Red Wine


by Red Wine on

Like always... One the best ... If you want to teach you to dance tango,just PM me . :)

God bless you.

Hoshang Targol

Aghay Faramarz ,what happened with the Lefties Communal section?

by Hoshang Targol on

You forgot to mention how we'll spent hours discussing procedural matters for tasks that would take only a minute to do!


My picture?

by Souri on


I have filed a law suit against you!

How did you dare to post my picture here above, showing my 2045 face to the public? This site is popular for respecting the anonymity of the members! Although I will keep my red lachak on, at the pool, but I'm sure that everybody could recognize my face there!

I will sue you!
Amazing imagination!! Wonderful satire.
See you at the court!

Sargord Pirouz

Too funny, Faramarz. :)

by Sargord Pirouz on

Too funny, Faramarz. :)