Fesenjoon Returns

Here are 15 steps on how to rise from an average pipe smoking joe to a sacred Imam with all the perks. Just follow these steps:  

1. Isolate yourself from people, and only deal with them through intermediaries and go-betweens. A holy diety is not a commoner. He is seldom seen, and when he appears to the public, it is an auspicious occasion of note. Look around, you might spot a choir of angels singing your zohoor from khafaa.

2. Have people around you start calling you "agha" instead of "ayatollah" or "Hojjat ol-eslam". It automatically separates you from the flock.

3. Cry a lot, especially in public. Youll need alot of practice.

4. Have IRIB and the media start showing pictures of you and Imam Ali or Imam Hosayn in the same frame repeatedly, or play some religious poem or soroud about Imam Ali or Hosayn, while showing footage of you on TV.

5. Every year during Eid-e Ghadir, bombard the airwaves with your speeches, video footage, and reports about your life. People have to identify you as a legitimate heir to Mohammad's legacy.

6. Whenever the words AHL-E BEYT are mentioned, your picture should pop up on TV, in books, and all forms of media. This step will firmly tie you to Fatima's progeny (Kudos to the Safavids for coming up with tyhis idea, but hey, they were Shia too). Have the reporters emphasize the "Sayyed" part of your name, and have cameras keep zooming on your black turban.

7. You'll need lots of money. But not to worry. The entire fucking country is yours to command. Nobody will question what you do. Youre the Great Spiritual Leader of the Revolution. So here's what you need to do: Buy people. And buy them good. Buy their asses and their soul. Everyone has a price.

8. Then have a bunch of insecure strapped-for-cash lowlives come to your speeches, and start crying when you talk about yourself or when they hear your name. Play some setar music in the background when they are weeping.

9. Put an ad in the papers to hire anyone with a mouth the size of Oklahoma City, to come and roar and beat their chests for you like Tarzan of The Apes.

10. Pay even more money to have some dedicated canines to sniff your trail, and call your name while they weep tears of longing.

11. Have your buddies and resident butt-kissers come on TV and tell crazy-ass stories about how Vladimir Putin compared you to Jesus Christ. Or about how you spoke Arabic words the moment you were being expunged from your mama's ass. People love miracles, and they fall for it, even the stupid-ass ones.

12. Give promises to people about replacing you after you ascend up to heaven. That way, you'll have a leash on them, and they will be busy fighting eachother for the future Rahbar.

13. Kick the shit out of anyone who questions your supreme holiness, or questions your authority. You have to come down hard on your opposers. 

14. After you die, have people build you a shrine the size of Haram-e Imam Reza. That will perpetuate your presence in the hearts of believers. It's a win-win thing: The regime will make shitloads of money off of your shrine, and you will become an Imam Zadeh, to be revered and worshipped.

and finally,

15. Let time do its work. You'll be a sacred Imam in less than 100 years. Pilgrims will visit your shrine, and children will read of the miracles you performed.

Enjoy.

 P.S.:

Picture shows a sign in the middle of a mountain hiking trail in Iran. The Arabic scripture on the top is a reference to the associates of Imam Mahdi (meaning that Khamenei is Imam Mahdi's associate). Under the picture it then says: "This is where the Great Spiritual Leader descended upon on May 5th, 2005 while hiking these mountains". A holy place already.