US Foreign Policy!

I should start by telling y'all that I was looking for a new career and scriptwriting seemed pretty good. I mean with the amount of crap that gets made into movies these days I figured I couldn't go wrong. So I moved to LA and started working on a script. I came up with a script about love and family. I called it "Meet the Mother Fockers". Within a week I had received hundreds of rejection letters from almost every studio in LA. "Dear Sir, Your script sucks!" is all they said. I gotta tell you I was shocked!!! Specially because I hadn't even sent it out yet.

I realized I was wasting my time with scriptwriting. I figured I would be better off with a career that required no talent or qualifications or intelligence or anything. Unfortunately I didn't know much about politics but I figured if some baghal can become president of Iran surely I could be governor or king or something. I thought the best way to start would be to come up with a controversial US foreign policy.

I didn't really feel like getting into all that Al Quaida stuff because lets face it if the US with access to NSA, Interpol, Mossad, MI5, CIA, FBI, and some more things with I, can't find some geezer who is 7 foot tall with a face more famous than Tom Cruise, then there is a good reason for it and it ain't got nothing to do with terrorism.

The Iraq war seemed like a better place to start. I mean the US is spending say 100 billion dollars on the war so it must be pretty important even though no one in the US gives a flying fuck about the war anymore.

I am a very value-for-money kind of person and I figure the Americans would like that too. A little research showed that the US was killing about 500 Iraqis a month and that works out at about 10 million dollars per Iraqi which, lets face it, is not very good value for money. I mean if it was like $100 per person then OK. Hell, at that price the US should attack 2 or 3 countries. A month even. For 100 billion dollars though I think the US should attack some decent countries like Fiji or Canada or something. Preferably Canada cause they could win and then the Americans would finally get decent health care.

While I was drafting my "We want $100 per person killed" US foreign policy I was watching TV and they were talking about the thousands of people who are killed on the roads every month. That gave me my most utterly brilliant idea of the century. Instead of dropping bombs on Iraq they should drop Ford Pickups. For a mere billion dollars they can drop like 100,000 Fords on the Iraqis and they'd have 99 billion left over! Then all you'd have to do is wait for the Iraqis to run each other over. Voila! No US soldiers get killed and everybody comes out smelling like roses. For the cherry on top, spend the 99 billion on healthcare and save the lives of say a million Americans!

As an aside, there are so many good commercial opportunities in politics going begging. I mean Monica Lewinsky is a perfect example. She could have made a bundle like Victoria's secret selling branded blue dresses with a presidential spunk stain. Instant millions!

Oh well, I am getting side tracked. I figured this was such a great idea I should let president Bush know about it. so I emailed him and asked him to forget making up some bullshit reason to attack Iran. Apart from anything else the Iranian government is doing such a great job fucking up the country and killing more Iranians than he ever could. So why bother! He wrote back saying he was making every effort to avoid confrontation with Iran. I wrote back and told him we got us a saying here in I Ran Mr. Pre si dent. Don't piss down my back and tell me its raininig! Two minutes later I get an email from the secret service saying "Dear Sir, fair enough, but your script sucks anyway!".