Jahanshah Javid

mercy JJ jaan for sharing your stories

Thanks JJ jaan for your healthy and open-minded thoughts and feelings.
I am really amazed with some of the "psychoanalytical" responses from your readers.
It seems that they all "know" exactly what you are talking about.
Personally I admire you for being honest with yourself and group of friends and community that you are serving them with iranian.com.
I wished everyone (men and women) could tell their stories and sharing them with others the way you always try to do with self-confidence and clarity.

Responses such as Mr. " Shining Head"- Nut Head- is exactly what you have reffered in your writing as a chauvinist typical men, insecure with their masculinity (though this word needs to be defined also) and far from being open minded.

Jaleh, Do you know what bitarbeyat means?

Many people, including me, have told you to tone it down. Also, this was not the proper forum to make such a statement to Fred. JJ made a very personal blog about relations with fathers, men and woman and you don't understant where your comment went?

Irandokht, you mean

That Fred's comment was not irrelevant, but my answer to his comment was?!

Or is any garbage coming from Zionists are kosher in this so called "Iranian" site? I really need a public clarification on this one.

Jaleh

I assume that would be where all the irrelevant comments go ;-)

IRANdokht

Where did my comment to Fred go?!

Jaleh

Serious question

I've only browsed through your piece but I would be interested to know why I keep hearing higher and higher pitched voices from the US. (Men and women)
Is it the food? Is it the fluoride in the water?
Something has gone weird.

By the way, if there isn't anything more pitiful and ludicrous that a "macho man".... And I can't stand being around women. I've had my share of manipulating (often unawares and just second nature) rivalry , the garbage boring conversations about dress and jewellery and how to "hook" a man, as if men are fish! ;)

Remember that a certain species of female chimps keep the noise down during "ehem" because other females might find out.

To "willy or not to willy" that is the question.

(Khodemoonima. Sometimes I'm really funny.)

A couple more words about Santa Monica

As is well-known, Los Angeles is the film capital and the "city of angels" (shahre ferestehhaa). One sees one's father (patriarchal, male aspect) as an IMAGE..a ROLE...of what one is SUPPOSED to be...but one that does not leave...images haunt...roles linger...one play acts) and one is being seduced--college student...LEARNING...is LEARNING to be seduced......to cross...the separation (apartment)...and to enter the holy (santa) Monica...the Sacred Feminine.. in the City of Angeles.

--It is interesting to note, and I just realized, that etymologycally "monica" and female monk..ie nun, cf. Spanish Monja--are the same word. Since the dreamer is linguistically gifted (and lives in California where Spanish abounds in names of towns, etc.) it is possible that he intuits this on a subconscious level and there isn't even a specific "Monica" in his "life" history--just simply a desire of a man for...

crossng in the city of angels of the separation from the sacred feminine....into...

wholeness..

and the understanding that...everything...is... sacred...
wendy

Dear Freud's Paranormal Butler:

If there is no connection to Santa Monica as a city, which i suspect there may well not be, there should be a connection to a person named Monica or whose name sounds like Monica (almost certainly female)--or even a word that sounds like Monica in any language the dreamer knows. The 'santa" meaning holy,--that is, SACRED-- the person or thing it represents would probably be a feminine ideal (oooooor its opposite, which COULD become sacred...).

...since of course everything is sacred, But it is only through the reconciling of duality within ourselves, first and foremost the male-female, that we begin to experience the "divinity within". (The All. What the Sufis refer to as "the seamless fabric of being").

Santa Monica could signify any particular thing in the dreamer's specific life but it SYMBOLIZES a union with the divine through reconciling the male-female duality.

So the important thing is for the dreamer to ponder who (what?)in his past or present life does this sacred MONICA allude to. The apartment refers to separation, separation from the divine unio) the reconciliation of opposites.

a-- (without--eg atonal, apolitical, etc.), partment (being part of., cf development,reimbursement) santa (holy) in Spanish, cf sanctity...), monica (who???? what???? is/was "Monica" in Jahanshahs's life???!!!)

A Jungian interpretaton from

wendy darling

P.S. Another good thing to keep in mind is that when the dreamer is single and is dreaming about reconciling male-female opposites, that is primarily an internal process, but when in a serrious relationship it has to be equally an internal process and a process between the two partners. Otherwise it will fail. Both the internal reconciliation and the external relationship. Good luck, jahanshah. Khoda hafez (god protects).

J.J.

you have more balls than many men i have met (including myself). you have proved your bravery again through your candid writing. I don't hate or dislike men as much as you do, but i understand where your dislike of men is coming from and why you may feel the way you do. I am very quiet and quite shy as well and i really believe that the cause is because of the similar types of experiences i have had with men when i was also too young to understand. these experiences make the child stay a child inside, wounded, hurt and vulnerable for life. the body grows, but the spirit is permanently injured. the person, no matter how big in size, feels small and too unsure. i guess the reaction to this type of abuse shows itself in many different ways in different people.

Paranormal

the dreams we have are combination of symbolic elements that are significant in our mental calculations and interpretations. Our dreams are also significantly influenced by paranormal elements that are beyond an average person's comprehension.

The dream of a deceased father or mother suddenly showing up in a dream, is very typical for any child that has lost a parent too early in life. The desire of reunion will always exist.

The places that such events happen are also part of complex calculations of things we like or dislike. For example Santa Monica might have played a desired city for JJ to visit at some point of his youth and the apartment was the thought process of how he would wanted to settle there.

But sharing dream to people who appreciate or understand is always fun.

JJ you are a good man and god bless your parents. You are a compassionate man to establish this website for thousands of lonely Iranians who need a forum to feel togetherness and the interactions that they need. Even the Internet has a certain traits of metaphysical elements in it.....

You are very brave JJ!

You are very brave to open your heart to us all.  Thanks.

I do.

And, don't be mad at your father for going too early. I am sure if he had a choice, he'd have loved to stay around some more.

Mr Javid , I am wowed by your courage and peaceful soul.

I am speechless( which rarely happens!), by your humility , honesty and courage. To me this is the ideal man, not the ball scratching chest hitting, foul mouth chauvinistic types. I  bet that one out of 5 Iranian men have been molested as children but none has the courage to talk about it in a public forum like this.

I have made sure my son is growing up in touch with his feelings, and  also emotionally close to me.  And I have to say  that he is the type of  man  we need in the future to avoid wars and violence. he easily walks away from confrontation he is so peaceful and loving with women . The girls gather around him like bees and flowers, and when we ask him why? he says because I am different from other boys, I can talk to them .

Your last sentence sums it up, we need more  women and men with feminine qualities to avoid war and destruction.

To make this comment a little more entertaining, I have to say that I really believe machoo men and the ones who sleep with their guns , have ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION, but they are so ashamed that can not get help and instead they kill animals or sometimes humans to compensate:))

With most respect for you sir,

Tahirih

Don't be hantin'!

Macho, Macho man!

How do you categorize yourself?

By the account here, you are a manly man yourself. You’ve said that you don’t talk about personal issues (blogs behind a machine don’t really count I’m talking about your real life). You aren’t a particularly fantastic father. You were a revolutionary who hadn’t really thought things through. Many people would agree that religious types have nothing to talk about, don’t have a sense of humor, don’t appreciate beauty and aren’t open-minded. So you were, perhaps still are, the type who jumps the gun out of machismo. Back then, youth took you to military work outs now it could be something more subtle and mature but equally testosterone-y. You were in love with someone in the US and eventually married a girl from the mother land. It took you 20 years to say that some teacher rubbed you the wrong way (not that this is unusual some people never mention these things, I’m not over simplifying the burden of being at the receiving end of sexual misconduct but I’m repeating it to make my point). You have repeatedly mentioned you aren’t good in relationships (the fact that you blame yourself doesn’t make it more feminine, one could argue that you don’t want to discuss or drag it out so you take the blame so you can be left alone). There are so many other examples I could dig out of your own admissions which could put you in the category of the men you don't like.

When you wrote this letter, was the recipient by any change, the “King of the World, Eternal”?

It sounds like your father was very sensitive and perhaps in touch with his feminine side. His small infrequent physical gestures were too few for our modern taste. You obviously needed more. But other things you mention of him tells me he was a man who cared but was ill equipped to show it. Doesn't that make him more vulneratble than most?

makes sense now :0)

I always knew there was something special about you. Rarely do I meet a man who has absolutely no hint of chauvinism ... very rarely actually. You were brought up respecting women, not just as equals, but as real individuals on their own.

I know losing your father at that young age is difficult and it haunts you for the rest of your life, but it also allows a young man to grow up without having the traditional male role model and somehow it breaks the cycle. I see that happening in my own son since he was 12 when his father passed away, I do believe that he would have been a different person otherwise, not a better one or a happier one necessarily.

Although women are on the rise and the society is changing, so far the only women who make it in this society are still the masculin ones, the ones who have lost the soft touch, the compassion and the regard for humanity, the likes of Hillary and condi. We still have long ways to go... But the good news is that the evolution has begun. I hope to see more men think the way you do, but there are still so many Kachals out there..

I admire your honesty, your courage and your openness. Your blog did read like a letter from a friend. A friend you are absolutely happy to know.

IRANdokht

The Doctor speaks ...

JJ jan, your story made me sad. The first time I read about loss of your father when you were young, I got that hint about your
"relationship syndrome" but now there's more in the equation.
Let me talk to you as a doctor (I'm not, but let pretend I am) I can only tell you what's your problem, but can't help with the solution. You
should see a real therapist !! If not, as you already said the only
solution would be "Timarestan "...I'm joking dear :O)

Your syndrome is actually very usual. Many guys suffer from this. Especially the guys from our similar culture.
As I understand from your story, you were the last child of a family of 6 ? is that correct ? Now, this is Dr Holakooy who speaks :
You were the last child, a boy who always got more attention from the female than the male in the family.

The relationship father-son was not established as correctly as it should.
Your father's attention was mostly toward adult and more serious
subject. Both of you were waiting for the time you get older, then he
could talk to you and befriend with you as an adult. This had always
hurt your subconsience. A child, boy or girl, wants attention and
affection from both parents. There was a hidden, untold promise between
the two of you, as like "You will get together much better later, when
you (JJ) will become adult.

But your father died without telling you
"WHY?"....this is the reason why you dream of him and every time you
hope getting the answer. Of course, in the dream you reverse the
question/answer stuff to :He never says WHY he is alive again ?
But what you want to know is that he explain to you : Why he left you so brutally ?Actually this reversing of the hidden wish, comes from your state of
denial.

You never forgave it to your father, why he left you like
this without explaining the reason ? You were shocked and hurt, because
of an unfulfilled promise. Why you don't like men in general, is
because you can't or you don't want to trust them (again) and why you
have also problem in the intimate and close relationship with women, is
because when in a close relationship, you MUST play the role of the
"father" and you are afraid of not being worthy of "that Other
person's trust". You are afraid of breaking the "promise" and actually
you panic !

Now, that I opened your syndrome !!! I have to admit that I have no solution for you :O)
You must see a therapist :O)....Again I'm joking.
I admire your bravery to expose yourself to the public, so openly. It takes lots of courage and a solid great personality.
You are a great MAN, no doubt.
Thanks for sharing your concern with us.

Souri

r!d!cul0s

No doubt your MOM would have "...kick the shit out of that pathetic man..." if she had known.

JJ, last para says it all

Thanks for sharing your thoughts . I share your view in the last paragraph and believe that  men have learn some love, gentleness and compassion from women  to balance themselves and give room for advancement to women and consider them their equals. Unfortunately every belittling word in Persian culture points to zan , khaleh zanak, hamoom zanooneh, zaeefeh,........ but we are on the right path now.  

Bund, Jimz Bund

One thing I have noticed about Iranian men...

who have lied in the States for years is that SOMETIMES the more progressive they are and the more in touch they are with their "feminine" or "soft" side, and are involved in the peace movement and Sufism and art and ecopolitics and things like that, the more they show their patriarchal indoctrination in their personal relationships with women, in different disguises, in ways sometimes more or less subtle, passive-aggressive, more overt or less overt, and sometimes most brutal because least overt.

It is true we live in a patriarchhal world. And that five thousand years of "civilized" patriarchal technology now threaten to destroy us all. But in reality violence and war are not due to men. They are due to dualities within ourselves that are not reconciled. It's hard to be human. Half angel, half animal, very little in between. An interesting case is in Merjui's film "Leila" where it is the mother who is responsible for the break-up of her son's loving marriage because she insists on the patriarchal values. You can say it's because she is a victim of patriarchy but it is actually because of her own struggle over herself..her own powerlust as a HUMAN.

War ends and peace begins first in oneself, and then between oneself and other individuals. That is how global "patriarchy" is first chipped away at, then eroded and finally melted. Melded WITH matriarchy, not replaced BY matriarchy. And then we are in the new age. Neither age of the Father nor the Mother but the Motherfather. That is why blogging technology is so important, It is simultaneously a collective and individual process and as such the ideal tool for peace activism..

But to get back to my original point, I have noticed that SOME of the best and brightest, most progressive, and sensitiive Iranian men I have met in the States in their middle years, at least, have this...dark side...a need to privaterly dominate and wound women while publicly GENUINELY extolling and emulating them And this must be honestly scrutinized and overcome

As for some Iranian women..well...I spoke of Merjui's mother...and then there are others...and ... as for myself, my problem is usually the wielding of my feminine victimization as a sword...and as for other non-Iranians...women...
men...well...we all are hurt and hurt others in our own way. There are TENDENCIES according to culture and gender, etc. but in the end, we all have our internal dualities to reconcile. We're all at war. We all want peace.

Well I tguess I've said all I have to say here.

Peace.

American Woman

A rhetorical question?

“where did you get the idea that I may be "changing my orientation?”

With a  sex-centric worldview Islamists  don’t know any better.

Wow!!

What does it take to bear your soul for all to see? I admire your courage and feel your essence.

BTW: I am a man but don't fit the "generic" definition either --I don't think many men do.

shiniy head

باز این اومد و حرف زد آخه تو نمیشه یک گوشه مثل بچه آدم بشینی‌ ماستت رو بخوری،شیطونه میگه یک دونه

استغفر الله بر هر چه مردم آزار صلوات

تو برو اخبار‌ها تو پست کن،

Kachal

Shining Head, where did you get the idea that I may be "changing my orientation"?

Agha JJ,

I hope you are not changing your "orientation". If you are,  nothing to worry about. Hallmark just announced new cards for this purpose!!

regards.