I don't like men


Jahanshah Javid
by Jahanshah Javid

For the longest time I've been wanting to talk about my problem with men. I mentioned something about it in my very first blog a year ago ["Hello"]. I had promised myself that as soon as the blogging tool got installed here, I would start writing about men and every other subject that fascinates or bothers me. But it's been a lot harder than I imagined. Here I am, a journalist (masalan), and I can't even talk about things that matter to me. So I'm going to take my own advice: I always tell people that when they want to write something, they should imagine they are writing a letter to their best friend, confident, lover, or whoever they feel most comfortable with.


I get a negative vibe from men. The more manly they are, the less appealing they get. I get along fine with the fatherly types, or those who are in touch with their "feminine side" (for lack of better expression) but the rest I can't stand. They have nothing to talk about, have no sense of humor, don't appreciate beauty, aren't open-minded...


Someone recently asked me why I never mention my father. It made me think. It's true: I often mention my mother, but rarely my father.

My father, Manoochehr, died when I was about to turn 15 (1977). I was in boarding school in the U.S. at the time. Ninth grade. I was pulled from class and told to go to the assistant principal's office. I don't remember his words. He was brief and to the point. I didn't break down and cry. I didn't ask any questions, like how my father had died (his heart had finally collapsed. He had a history of heart trouble and was frequently hospitalized all during his relatively short life. He was 52.) I didn't know how to react. "Passed away"? Dead? What does that mean?

Hours later I was standing around outside the cafeteria. Our principal, a tall gentle cowboy of sorts, walked over to me, opened his arms and held me without saying a word. I started bawling.

My father knew he was dying. A couple of months before he and my older brother Roger visited me at the school. It was surreal. My father was wearing an orange suede suit, looking very cool and relaxed. Was that a mustache he was growing? I think so. And smoking a cigarette?! He wouldn't swallow the smoke. Probably didn't know how. I guess he was just experiencing things he never had before leaving this world.

I looked up to him and had great respect for him. I could see that he was good and kind with people and had many close friends. And he was immensely adored by his family. Even today when his brothers and sisters, my aunts and uncles, see me, they see Manoochehr's son. When they introduce me to his old friends and acquaintances, I'm "pesar-e Manoochehr-e khoda biyaamorz."

We watched the landing on the moon together, and Mohammad Ali capturing the World Heavyweight championship -- and of course the incredible Brazilian squad led by Pele in the 1970 World Cup, thanks to the arrival of live TV. But we weren't exactly "buddies". I think he held my hand twice and I only remember one occasion: We were walking home from the movies one night. It was so unusual, and meant so much to me, that it stuck in my mind.

I watched him, mostly, reading books, listening to classical music, entertaining friends and visiting foreign dignitaries as head of the oil company public relations.

Like many fathers of his generation, he would give me a good beating when I misbehaved. I used to tease the hell out of my little sister, and was generally a major trouble maker. And my grades deteriorated year after year and I was terrified of showing him my report card.

The longest conversation we had was about sex and that didn't last more than a few minutes. I had found an unused condom in the yard when I was 13 or so. I showed it to my mother and told her I had found a strange looking "balloon". It was time for my father to have a talk with me. We went to my room and sat on the bed. All he said was that I should use a condom when with a girl so that she wouldn't get pregnant. There was no explanation about how to use the condom or even sex itself.  


I still dream about my father, maybe 2-3 times a year. The situation is always similar: He suddenly appears out of the blue. I'm shocked, and thrilled, that he's not dead, but he doesn't seem to be bothered. And he doesn't really clarify where he has been all this time or what he's doing right now or where he lives.

The last dream was about three months ago and this is how I remember it: I was in Los Angeles watching TV in a college girl's apartment. The girl was coming on to me heavily. My father was sitting on the couch next to me. Like all the other dreams about him, I was amazed he was alive. Again he was evasive about why he didn't tell anyone he was not dead. The TV was showing a film and he was playing a part in it. It was so weird that I had to tell a bunch of guy friends as we walked in a park. I interrupted one of them. I knew the story would blow their mind. I told them: Get this! My dead father is not only alive, but I watched him acting in a movie!

In another part of the same dream, I wanted to go and see my father. I went to the apartment building where he supposedly lived. The sign on the wall said "Santa Monica Apartments". But I didn't ring his bell. I thought maybe he had a guest and didn't want to be disturbed. I didn't want to show up unannounced.

Now I'm curious if there really is a place called Santa Monica Apartments. I'm sure it exists. If anyone in LA sees it by chance, let me know. I don't believe in ghosts or reincarnation or any of that stuff, but I would definitely pay a visit :o)


I'm so glad I have a daughter. If I had a son, I wouldn't know how to treat the poor kid. I haven't been a great father to my daughter either, but I could have been a lot worse with a son.


I'm not very comfortable around my two older brothers either. They are 10 years older and we didn't grow up with each other. But I think it mostly has to do with the fact that they are men :o)

I grew up with three sisters and a mother who was very much the center of the family. I remember when the two older sisters left home in Abadan to go to boarding school in England. I was 8? 9? It felt like the end of the world. I hid in one of the rooms when they were leaving for the airport. I couldn't say goodbye. I cried my heart out.


I didn't think it was THAT big of a deal until I told my mother and younger sister. I was 28 and going to college in Albuquerque, New Mexico. We were driving in a car, going somewhere. Those two were talking it up. Mostly gossip. I didn't say much, as usual. I listen and observe. A lot of times when I do talk, it's without thinking. Maybe I need practice. Anyhow, I decided to share something too.

"You remember my first private tutor when I was a kid? That jerk would sit me on his lap and feel my nuts!"

There was a long silence.

"What?! What did he do? Which tutor?!..." My mother was particularly shocked.

I still hadn't realized the gravity of what I had revealed.

"Yeah! A few minutes before the end of our study sessions, he would tell me stories as he rubbed me down there. I was just a kid in elementary school. I didn't understand what he was doing. I didn't feel threatened or anything. It wasn't a big deal."

Well, apparently it was a big deal. So big that we didn't talk about it ever again.


I want to say that I would kick the shit out of that pathetic man if he was standing in front of me right now. But I couldn't.


It was Charshanbeh Soori. A few of my male junior high school friends and I were wearing chadors and doing "ghaashogh zani", going door to door banging on our pot with a  spoon, asking for ajil and candy -- just like kids in costume during Halloween in the U.S.  When the night was over, I stood on the side of the street to get a taxi to go home. A car stopped and the driver offered a ride. The exclusive oil company community in Abadan was as safe as you could imagine. Parents didn't worry about their kids' safety, the way you normally would. I got in the back seat. There was another man sitting in front. He kept saying how cute I looked with the chador. It was so creepy.  "Should we let him go home?" one of them said to the other. I was so scared, petrified. I was sure they were going to rape or even kill me. It was only a five-minute drive to our home but it felt like eternity. Nothing happened and I got home safe -- but not sound.


I blame men for all the wars and violence in the world. Although their terrible reign is fading, slowly but surely. Women are on the rise everywhere and thanks to them we are all getting kinder and gentler. It takes time, effort and lots of love. Do your part.


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more from Jahanshah Javid

Compassion is the key…

by BeeTaraf on

Dear JJ,

I wish you the best in your journey; you might find that
you have a lot in common with Michael Ventura?
Please check out his web site: //www.michaelventura.org/


poor JJ... getting all this

by Anonymous like everyone else (not verified) on

poor JJ... getting all this "expert" advice from the so-called experts on everything. i know you're laughing behind your keyboard... they just don't get it. globe was right. why can't you just be like a normal person... venting to the people closest to him... albeit "virtually"... without having everyone want to psycoanalyize you. i don't know you any better than anyone else here does and my first reaction was just admiration for the balls it took to expose your most personal thoughts. typical that the "usuals" want to tell you what you're thinking, why you're thinking it, and what you need to do about it...LOL. keep it up... THIS is why iranian.com is what it is... a virtual "family".


Almost, Dr. Jung but not quite....

by laleh5 (not verified) on

Good analysis. But you're leaving something out. You missed, Jung, the balancing act: The dreamer--you, jj :o) --in the blog OVERidentifies extremely, consciously, with the feminine, but UNDERidentifies subconscously (this goes without saying when there is overidentificaton, but we also know it from statements of jj onsite about his relationships... So of course he must UNDERidentify consciously with the Father and OVERidentify subconsciously. Same thing,same result in relationships and work...possible neglect, withdrawal, fighting, even meanness,Eternal Youth as you mentioned below...the Father LIVES in the Santa Monica Apartments--(separation of the Sacred Feminine--question of balance--can't have one without the other).

In any case these posts can only plant a seed...the point isn't even in the details of your or my interpretation, Jung, it's just for jj to understand that these individuation dreams are CRUCIAL at mid-life (btw the dream blogged several months ago, which I replied to belatedly by e-mail, was also part of this cycle...)crucial especially for someone with a leading role in the new communications technology. (btw the tv, film, in dream, father and son both professionally in communications). A leader must embrace the Father principle...

I'm positive among the vast circle of friends you have jj there is someone who will help you with your dreams-in Bay Area!!!--since this appears to be what you seek...there may be even one person very close to you, who knows..even a close relative...oh, and the Enneagram is also very helpful in achieving understanding...

Anyway I'm gone. my heart goes withyou on your journey Jahanshah...you'll gert the guidance you need..



hillarious video..

by Parthian on

Pishi, thanks for the video, that is a funny video. I don't know why you put it up for me, I think the ladies may appreciate it more.

Getting back to JJ's article, you don't have to explicitly state "I hate this or that..", sometimes the way you say it is enough. I quote: "I blame men for all the wars and violence in the world. Although their terrible reign is fading, slowly but surely. Women are on the rise everywhere and thanks to them we are all getting kinder and gentler. It takes time, effort and lots of love. Do your part.", or just the fact that title of the article is "I don't like men". Now, I am all good with this, hey man, it is a free world, you can hate, love, dislike anyone you like, but this kind of hyperbolic language that generalizes half the world population is absurd, and empty of substance. He is not talking about individuals, but "men" as if we all act the same way. Amongst men are Rumi, Razi, Ibn Sina, Ferdowsi, Koroush Kabir, Newton, Bach, Mozart, Einstein, Kant. There are gay men, there are poets who are much more "touchy-feely" than many women. So This is why I suggested, get to know some real men. Obviously those who are abusive are certainly insecure, and that they resort to that. Also, I know some of you sophisticated Iranians who are super duper intelligent and look down on others because they are bunch of rednecks, or "dahatis" think that activities like football (soccer), fishing, or sports is too superficial of a way to create a connection, believe me, men make the strongest bonds when they do things together, when they are part of an activity. Emotions are expressed through those activities. Again, not all MEN are like that, but any are. To me, "I don't like Men" is a lazy way of saying I can not relate to them, and I am not going to see if there is a way to get to know them better.

Azadeh Azmoudeh


by Azadeh Azmoudeh on

Dearest Jahanshah, I read your semi-biography and all I can say is: We are not born to be paretns. Parenthood, like biking or playing the piano needs learning and constant practicing. Also, all of us are mainly the product of the environment that we have been brought up and partly our genetic traits (so nurture vs. nature). I could not; however, relate the fact that you hate men through what I read. But, I can tell you one thing, which I am sure you knew a long time ago) You have a great deal of unfinished business with your father, that by itself has had hindered you from seeing other aspects in men. I do believe some men are intelligent and have femimnien side to them if we allow them to express their true feelings withough feeling that they are judged, rediculed, or degrade as a manly man!

By the way, I love your idea about writing blogs, that's my way of expressing myself and as an MFT, I do believe one way to release all the frustration is writing. So, right on my friend keep up the wonderful job.



حرفهای بخار معده

صاحب حموم زنونه (not verified)

جج جان با اینکه حرفهات از ته دل بود و صادقانه حرفهاتو زدی، بقول آیت الله منتظری آخرش هچ!

یعنی‌ که چه؟ تو با مادر و ۳ تا خواهر بزرگ شدی و زنها رو میشناسی ولی‌ مردها رو نه؟! یعنی‌ اگر با پدر و ۳ تا برادر بزرگ شده بودی زنها رو نمیشناختی؟

به جز اون خاطره بد معلم خصوصی مابقی حرفهای بخار معده بود.


hope not

by maziar 58 (not verified) on

Mrs Tahirih jj did not said he was molested or at least i wish NOT!
But any how I like your kind hearted attitude in this weblog.


bacheh baaz

by maziar 58 (not verified) on

no insult intended.
we all had some sort of those sordid experiences in Iran especially khuzestan


Its only natural

by Alborzi (not verified) on

This is usually the case in most normal (sexually, genetically and non-abused) people. You can attribute it to survival of species or some genetic programming. Its not attributed to the discipline boys get from their mother, because girls on the other hand are attracted to their father. This is well documented in psychological research and its very normal. My wife is closer to my sons even though I control the purse strings and have been very generous to them.


For PMK: inner Jack Nicholson= inner Rapist-Looter

by A.nonymous (not verified) on

The concept of inner wild man is invented by the Fascist Male Chauvinist Pigs (FMCP for short) who are supporting the rape of our mothers and sisters and daughters. Any decent man would channel his inner aggression towards sports or defense of the defenseless citizens. Shame on you PMK.


forget and forgive

by humanity (not verified) on

If we want to make it in life we need to forget and forgive.We can not hold grudges against others who did us wrong and we should forgive them.I soon as someone hurt our feelings we should forgive them right away.This does not mean that we are approving of their behaviour.It is because we want to live in peace.We should forget about taking revenge and live the revenge to the higher power or nature.


Parthian, this is for you;

by Anonypishi (not verified) on


Jahanshah - I really

by Siamak V (not verified) on

Jahanshah - I really appreciate your writing this. I work with kids and one thing I always notice is that inside a lot of those who display bullying behavior is a lot of fear. I feel like that's the case with some of your critics here, and I hope that they will at least examine it.

Your friend,


You hate men because most

by ...Anonymous (not verified) on

You hate men because most men are inherently misogynist (first caretaker/disciplinarian is usually the mother; hence, resentful to all women), immature, insecure, zalil, and frankly not as smart as woemn. If I were a man, I would hate men too. No need to over analyze them to death. However, hate is too strong a word. I'm not sure if they should be pittied or hated.


JJ, You peace loving sub-concious mind is speaking

by Ye irani (not verified) on

I think deep down you seek ultimate peace and tranquility on earth, but you feel all the evil on eart is caused by men. Why? It's simple - Everywhere you turn, you see men messing up the world. Well, occasionally there are exceptions like Dr. Rice, but then, you still blame it on her sucking up to what Mr. Bush wants to do.

I'm not even going to bring up the SF atmosphere having some effect on your psyche!

BTW, I enjoyed how you let the story evolve on this article!


inner Jack Nicholson

by PMK (not verified) on

My brother, I re-read your story a few more times. I just loved everything you said and I like to add more.

Feelings are not fact. This concept of feeling centric as oppose to responsibility centric, results from direct assault of Feminist Fascist Moment (FFM for short) on our humanity as men. They have covertly and overtly attacking the masculine energy in unprecedented fashion. One area, which we are under attack is the area of feelings. As long as we are softy and nicey, numby and stupid. we are OK. God forbid, if we are in touch with our inner wild man. or as sometime I call it, our inner Jack Nicholson. Then we will be criminalized.

If they can imprison us in our mind or in jail . They will. If they can attack us , they will. If they can dehumanize us the will, and most recently if they can filter us they will. Lets take the example of the Party Girl posting today. Your comment got posted and mine didn’t. You had a nice feeling word for her posting and I didn’t. As long as we submit to their totalitarian control as we did to our mother everything will be fine.

My brother, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You have the wild man in you as many of us born with it. When the time is ready you will embrace it. This will be in conjunction to recovery from the childhood trauma.

We are glorified gender we don’t have to apologies.



I don't like men either

by Anonymous-4-now (not verified) on

After reading Parthian's comment, I don't like men either!

Jahanshah Javid


by Jahanshah Javid on

To "mom": You said "Hard to imagine [mother] ever giving you that kind of a kotak... :o)"

I got physical punishment from my mother plenty of times. And I probably deserved it every time :o)

So if any of you think that my problem with men is because of spankings from my father, think again.


Perhaps It's San Francisco!

by Anonymous Observer (not verified) on

Perhaps you like feminine men because you are based out of San Francisco and are exposed to them on a more regular basis (just a joke...please no nasty comments. I am a social liberal...I don't care what people do in their private lives)....


thank you jj for being so brave to share with us about your

by mom (not verified) on

father and your feelings about men. We Iranians need more of this honesty in the public community. The silence and the beatings from fathers are not uncommon but they must have been terrible for you. Your mom must have been very supportive and nurturing, though, because you grew up so in touch with your "feminine" side and so lgivingtoward women. Your partner must be a very happy woman. I wonder if you could tell us a little bit about your relationship with your mother.

Hard to imagine HER ever giving you that kind of a k kotak... :o)



Jahanshah Javid, the Persian Sphinx

by Asghar_Massombagi on

JJ, you fascinate me to no end, my remote virtual friend.  A brother named Roger, another one a world famous brain surgeon with a Ghajar last name; a mother with Bakhtiari connection; a grandfather of vast labyrinthine background and history worthy of a biography unearthed and reconstructed by Jorge Louis Borges; a prep school boy, with an Indian step-father, turned fundamentalist Muslim turned disillusioned 'net journalist'. What are you, Charles Foster Kane?  In words of Pete Townsend: Who are you? Oh, oh…oh, oh


miny, the basic archetypal meaning of the dream is in the four

by ungian dream analyst (not verified) on

jungian posts below. Of course, the life events and details vary from dreamer to dreamer but this is a classical Jungian dream of integration of opposites, of individuation. First and foremost the male/female opposition.This is a CRUCIAL dream at a crucial time (mid-life) and if the opportunity is not seized now it will probably be deferred to old age. So you are right, why wait?

However, reincarnation is beside the point. And it is generally a "turn-off" to people who are declared atheists. The archetypes are the "collective unconscious" and can be validly understood as the "programming" of the mind of the human species.

You are right, the dreamer should go further. He should explore the universal meanings of the archetypes as Jungians explain them, and how to relate them to the dreamer's individual life journey.

Fortunately Internet technology--which is...the planetary mind--provides googling to make this knowledge accessible. Yes, it is the time for the return of the boundless beloved Mother. Yes, it is the time for her UUNION with the steadfast, beloved, father (not his rejection). Yes it is the time but whether it comes to pass or whether we are all destroyed by the culmination of these five tousand years of patriarchy. we still must chose. Especially someone who, like it or not, is a leader in this planetary mind...

must choose.


So obviously and as it

by Miny (not verified) on

So obviously and as it should be you are too attached to your father...

perhaps you should google your dreams and check out for their meanings...even if you dont believe in ghosts and re-incarnation..i am sure you do believe in existence of soul....

The world of sub-conscience is as real as it is surreal....it does send strong signals which bear meanings...ya gotta decipher them...it comes with practice...

Maybe your dad tries to reach out to you or maybe you try to do so or maybe its just the impressions that keep resurfacing while you lose yourself to sleep...

well for other things everybody knows which way the concept of civilizations is going..definitely its towards decivilization...and men will be men...:)and women women...

and then there is whole lotta cacophony on rise about war to bring in peace...all nations are trying to establish peace everywhere...:)

ebi amirhosseini

Let's appreciate all parents , especially the single ones!!

by ebi amirhosseini on

PARENT- Job Description

If it had been presented this way,
I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!!

Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop


Long term, team players needed, for challenging,
permanent work in an
often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.


The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
pack mule
and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the screams from
the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings
for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.


Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you


None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.


Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because
of the assumption that college will help them
become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more..


While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered;
this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love,
and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.



A very unique experience ever

by Sadaia_qesa on

Thanks for sharing ...

ebi amirhosseini

Dear JJ

by ebi amirhosseini on

You have a heart as big as an ocean.


This post is especially for your Father, Javid

by lighter, Light (not verified) on

This song is for Manoucher and you specifically:


This is for the Father as an archetype and for all dreamers:

In crossing what separates (apartments) to the Sacred Feminine (Santa Monica, see post below) in City of Angels, on the water (most yin, female) one must not reject the Sacred Masculine. This leads to living the Puer Aeternis (Eternal Youth, Peter Pan) archetype. This is very dangerous to the dreamer, the Sacred Feminine within, and females and others in the dreamer's life.

The Sacred Masculine within, the Father is responsible and shows judgement. The Eternal Youth is reckless and dangerous. One must embrace lovingly the Sacred Feminine within (Great Mother) in HARMONY with the Sacred Masculine (Eternal Father) until Sacred Union is acheived.

Then one will love without hate or fear or laziness. And then one will understand that everything is Eshgh. And Eshgh is the All. And EVERYTHING IS SACRED.



You are welcome JJ! I think

by sbglobe on

You are welcome JJ! I think (in fact I KNOW) that these writings will be priceless for your "great grand children" when they would want to know about their roots. Lucky them - they have you now! :-) 


Jahanshah Javid

Just talking

by Jahanshah Javid on

Thanks SBGLOBE. You're on the right track. To me, writing is just conversation. That's why I prefer blogging to articles. I don't need to be "deep' or worry about sentence structure. So ultimately I am not offering anything that has significant literary or intellectual value. I'm just talking to a friend and getting things off my chest. Or maybe I'm talking to an imaginary therapist... I do feel much lighter once I write these things.


I have to get this out of my chest

by sbglobe on

I have no idea if JJ intended to create a discussion and/or debate about this very blog but my guess is he did not since he said “ ….are writing a letter to their best friend, confident, lover, or whoever they feel most comfortable with”… but that is only my guess. As the result, when I was reading it I re-acted the same way I would have re-acted if I was sitting around with few friends and just talking vs. partying (listening  gently).  I think it is only through those small “talking” gatherings that you get to know your friends a bit more and start feeing closer. If you have more than one or two friends that you can talk with about everything (including your vulnerabilities) you sure can consider yourself very lucky. Just listening (or being able to just listen) is an art that not everyone has the talent for (even the ones who do have the talent have to continuously get more creative about it – it is like any other “art”)