Security Threat

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Security Threat
by Jahanshah Javid
14-Oct-2010
 

I was going through security at Budapest airport two weeks ago and the x-ray technician asked one of the customs officers to go through my backpack. I thought, oh no, what is it this time? Not my pot pipe, again, I hope. Well, it was worse. The lady pulled out my bottle of Listerine and said, "It iz a sekurity tret." Security threat? What are you talking about? I need my Listerine! Without it, I'M a security threat!

I can imagine many friends, relatives and strangers laughing right now. They know what I'm talking about. A few years ago, as I was kissing Enayat's cheeks to say hello at a gallery opening in San Francisco, he pulled me to the side and said, "Ahmagh! Dahanet boo goh mideh! Havaaset kojaast?!" He was being kind. At least he had the balls to warn me.

It all comes down to this. All my life I've been terribly careless about hygiene. Completely careless. The list of my disgusting habits is too long. And it's only been since the beginning of this year that it dawned on me how filthy I've been, from head to toe. I'm 48 for god's sake. How could I have been so absent-minded about this most basic thing in life?

This is so embarrassing. More embarrassing than all the stupid things I've done. And I've done a lot of stupid things! I mean people can forgive you for your political views, even for supporting Khomeini, at one point in your life, but BO? No way. There's no way you could look at someone the same way once you are hit by a whiff of odor.

I was telling a friend the other day that if I saw Shirin Ebadi picking her nose in public, it would be over! I don't care how many Nobel prizes she wins or how many lives she saves with her human rights work. If she, or anyone for that matter, stinks, I would lose all respect. And I'm sure, 100 percent positive, that I have offended many many many people in my life.

I can't tell you why I've suddenly, fully, realized the extent of this disaster. I just don't know why. I have been warned numerous times before but I have ignored them as temporary misfortunes. Oh I forgot to shower for a week. Oh I forgot to floss once a year. Oh I forgot to wash my pants for a month. Oh... dear.

I was talking to my daughter Mahdiyeh the other day about discovering my feet in the shower.

MJ: "What did you discover? Your feet?"

JJ: "Yeah. I hadn't washed my feet for 48 years."

MJ: "Ewwwww... gross! Ahhhhhh...Baba!"

JJ: "Yeah... Now as soon I get into the shower I start scrubbing my feet like crazy. I love it!"

MJ: "Did you have sex with any women who had foot fetish?"

JJ: "Um... yeah. At least one."

MJ: "Ewwwwww! Oh my god! What did she do?"

JJ: "I don't know... sucked my toes? I don't remember exactly."

MJ: "WHAT?!!! That's soooo gross (laughs hysterically). Come on... tell me. Do I know her?"

JJ: "Yes, you know her. But I'm not saying who. This is highly inappropriate conversation between a father and daughter."

MJ: "Come on! You know you want to tell me. Was it (...)?"

JJ: "No, it wasn't her. Stop it."

MJ: "Was it (...)?"

JJ: "No! It wasn't her either. I'm NOT going to tell you."

MJ: "Oh! Was it the ...?"

JJ: "Noooo! It wasn't the..."

MJ: "What about (...)?"

JJ: "No."

MJ: "Hmm... I can't believe how many women you've slept with... was it (...)?"

JJ: "How MANY? What do you mean 'how many'?! I'm 48! (what does that mean?). Actually it was (...). You met her in New York when you came to visit me one summer when you were 13."

MJ: "Oh... her? Poor girl..."

JJ: "We were young. We were experimenting with different things. She taught me a lot about sex."

MJ: "Oh my god... That's so gross!"

Gross indeed! You have no idea... I once visited a woman I was dating. I tried to kiss her and she just wouldn't go for it. I thought maybe she's being coy. We had not seen each other for a few weeks. She went to the bathroom and came back with a bottle of perfume. She held it close to my face and sprayed me a couple of times. "What the fuck!" I thought. What are you doing? She said my face and ears smelled. My face? My ears?! SMELL?! I couldn't believe it. I thought she'd gone crazy. No one had complained about those particular areas before. I went to the bathroom, rubbed my hands on my oily nose and ears and... holy crap. She was right, of course. It stunk like toxic Indian food I had been eating every day for months.

I can go on and on and on. It's so pathetic... I just realized LAST WEEK that there's a difference between deodorant and anti-perspirant. I have been sweating like a hog in public and thinking I was just born with over-active glands that no deodorant could control. Idiot!

Why have I been so careless, seriously? It's easy to blame my parents. I remember as a kid my mother having a hell of a time combing my hair it was so greasy and dirty. Why didn't she kick me in the ass and throw me in the shower? I can't really blame her or my father. My other siblings are perfectly normal as far as hygiene goes. What the hell is (was) wrong with me? Careless... careless...

Well, all I can say now is that men CAN change. Too late, but still...

Excuse me. I have to go clip my nails.

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more from Jahanshah Javid
 
Anonymouse

JJJ how often do you brush your teeth? Once a week? or randomly?

by Anonymouse on

For someone who travels the world it is hard to imagine you have hygiene problems.  Although while traveling one could get lazy but not washing your teeth at least twice a day (morning and before bed) is unacceptable.  Although I know many who don't brush their teeth.  3 times is better, 2nd time after lunch.

I think you're pulling our legs somewhat! Maybe hygiene in Budapest is more difficult but in general I don't think so.  I also thought you were 49 ... 

Everything is sacred


Organic NUTritionist

"My other siblings are

by Organic NUTritionist on

"My other siblings are perfectly normal as far as hygiene goes. "

 

thanks for clarifying about your siblings, could you please call me so we can discuss your washed passport???


Anahid Hojjati

Heavy periods, foot disorder and lameness?

by Anahid Hojjati on

No comment. Just funny.


alimostofi

Just a typical

by alimostofi on

Just a typical Pisces 


Pisces governs the feet, liver and lymphatics, and its subjects can be threatened by anaemia, boils, ulcers and other skin diseases, especially inflammation of the eyelids, gout, inflammation, heavy periods and foot disorders and lameness.

 more //www.astrology-online.com/pisces.htm

Ali Mostofi

//www.alimostofi.com

 


deev

You got off the couch?

by deev on

LOL, JJ you actually got off that couch once? and for a coin? oh no!! =)

Good times, but you look a lot hapier and healthier in recent photos, cheers!


Cost-of-Progress

Monda jon

by Cost-of-Progress on

the trouble is if/when they insert he mechandise in their mouth afterward..............not the art of picking!

____________

IRAN FIRST

____________


Monda

Q 4 JJ

by Monda on

So what if you caught Shirin Ebadi pick her nose?!

I saw some of my idols - Zinn, Jung and Gandhi, pick theirs and I remained in awe with their minds and deeds.

Is it just me?! I don't think it is.


Souri

ta mard sokhan nagofteh bashad.....

by Souri on

In Immigration, we always advise the people not to give too much information about themselves, in an interview.

I also say to my children, not to give too much details about their private life, if they are not asked to do.

So, dear JJ, what you said here is something very private. Who needed to know that? You are loved for what you represent here as a man. Nobody needs to know so much details about your private life.

This big need for "efsha-gari" akhar yek rouz kar dastet mideh ha!

az ma goftan :)


Anahid Hojjati

JJ, it is hard to comment on a blog like this, ...

by Anahid Hojjati on

Can you write another blog that is leass Untouchable?


Jahanshah Javid

It's over Johnny!

by Jahanshah Javid on

Farah: If I was showing off my "conquests", after this blog the empire has crumbled. My daughter thinks I'm untouchable now, no matter how much I've cleaned up my act.


Farah Rusta

Was it (...)?

by Farah Rusta on

Come on, JJ be honest, this was just an excuse to show off your bedroom conquests, right? Otherwise how can a half American half Iranian man be so careless about his personal hygiene? This sounds so un-American. Or is it one fourth American and three fourth Iranian? Now it makes sense. must the Iranian in you :)

FR


Jahanshah Javid

The truth stinks

by Jahanshah Javid on

Deev: You remember the couch I sat on in my living room when you used to come and help with the web site? I sat on it 18-20 hours a day for four years. One day a coin fell in the side crack. I picked up the cushion and... I don't want to go into it. I've said way too much. Use your imagination :)))

Flying Solo: If it would only stick!

Monda: Nah jooneh man begoo... taarof nakon :)

Azarin: Dirty Womanizer... I like it! It has a nice ring to it :)

Kazem: All true. The truth stinks.


kazem0574

Its a story, right?

by kazem0574 on

I am willing to believe the smelly parts to an extent, but hey.... come on .... the long list of women part, I take that with a pinch of salt.

Very funny, brave, fiction or not.  ;-)


Azarin Sadegh

Your best blog!

by Azarin Sadegh on

This blog is really great...and "honest"! (haha)...but I'm sure many of those poor women shouldn't be that amused now with all this "confessions of a dirty-womanizer"...:-)

Azarin <still laughing>


Monda

So many LOL's :o))

by Monda on

This is so good! Now I remember what I wanted to tell you last year! (kiddin') 


Flying Solo

Amusing

by Flying Solo on

Full body lamination is always an option. :)

 


deev

Jenaabeh JJ Jaan

by deev on

Your humilty is what makes you likable, not your smell, however I'm sure a good scent will only add more value, fun lil' story, cheers!