The Great Myth About Iranians


by MallyJack_Secrets

Once upon a time there were a people called Iranians, who had a rich and vibrant culture. Poetry, wine, women and song flowed like... wine. And everyone was happy and drunk, and spoke poetry and sang songs and drank wine and had like these 5 really hot girlfriends who would stroke their grey beards in like these beautiful gardens, and pour wine for them, even though the men were like pushing sixty.

Okay wait, so maybe that's not really true, and maybe I got it off one of those miniature paintings, but maybe it was true! So anyhow the only problem in Iran was, that it was based on Dick-tatorship. As long the Dick-tator approved, everything was cool.

During the Greek era, the Iranian Dick-tators almost screwed up a couple of times, and embarrasingly lost a couple of key wars, including Persepolis, but by and large, everything was awesome.

And so it went, year after year, until one day the Iranians woke up and realized that 2500 years had passed, the previous Dicktator had pissed away all the wine, and these new shitty Dicktators had covered up everyone's really hot girlfriends, and so a lot of Iranians got pissed off, and said fuck this shit, and left Iran on the very next Air France jumbo jet they could get on. Some went to the United Kingdom, and some went to the Magic Kingdom, also known as LA, in America.

30 years passed. The Iranians became strangers in a strange land, away from Iran, and began to quickly mistrust and avoid each other. Although most got these really cool jobs making like computer chips or some shit, they nevertheless hid in the shadows of their corporate prisons. Many changed their names. Masouds became Mikes, Rezas became Tonys, Mahboubehs became Bettys, and Raghebehs became Rhondas. Almost all of them became rich. And jealous. And bitter.

Instead of drunken smiles, poetry and song, and hot chicks, the faces of almost all the Iranians got all screwed up and angry, like they were sucking lemons all the time, and even Mercedes Benzes and Rolexes didn't make them feel any better. Well, maybe Rolexes. But the gilded lives they had built out of pure spite, pretty much sucked eggs.

Then one day, a Dicktator appeared. OK so it wasn't a real Dicktator. OK, so it was really a "Community Based Organization". But it acted just like the old Dicktators used to, and for a while at least most people bought it and became hopeful again. And for a while at least it felt a little like the good old days. It felt good to be told what to do!

And so it was. The "Community Based Organizations" became Dicktators, they told the Iranians what to do and when to do it. Sizdah bedar was celebrated on the whatever nearest Sunday 2 weeks after NoRooz, and if you didn't buy the $250 a plate NoRooz fundraiser the "Community Based Organizations" Dicktators threw, you were labeled a cheap shit.

Ah! Good times! Good Times!

Of course there were far less hot chicks, and most of them had the exact same expression from the exact same plastic surgery. But their tits were real. And even the wine flowed again, Shiraz wine too. Although Australian Shiraz wine. But not Merlot, because by then Iranians had vowed not to drink any fucking Merlot.

Then one day the "Community Based Organizations" Dicktators, started speaking on behalf of the Iranians in the US, UK and now Canada, to Senators and Congressmen and Politicians, CNN, Bill Maher, and John Stewart about all kinds of shit they knew nothign about, like international politics. They started using words like Advocacy, Alliance, and Grassroots and the more the "Community Based Organizations" Dicktators talked, the more they liked hearing themselves talk, especially on CNN. Afterall it was their money, or actually the money they had gotten from rich Iranian geeks desperate to be cool. They could do what they wanted. I mean what's the use of being a "Community Based Organization" Dicktator, if you don't Dicktate!

Iranains wanted poetry wine, women and song, but the more the "Community Based Organizations" Dicktators talked, the less anyone felt like getting drunk and getting laid, and that is pretty much how the Iranians completely disappeared.

Well, they didn't actually dispapear. They just said that so the "Community Based Organizations" Dicktators would shut the fuck up, fuck off, go away and leave everyone the fuck alone!


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more from MallyJack_Secrets

You are hilarious

by Mazloom on

I began reading your blogs for the first time tonight. You are hilarious, no make that you are uniquely hilarious. You have a particular sense of humor that I have not seen before. You’re a great writer. Keep up the good work. I’m going to read the rest of your blogs the rest of the night. What else is better to do on Friday night?


You know old chap I went to

by alimostofi on

You know old chap I went to US for my undergrad, because the US was supposed to be what UK was not. I was under the impression, that there was no comparison and it was just about money. You can be what you want to be, and forget the old country. Make money and be a new person. Forget history.

And everyday I come across Iranian just leaving Iran, wanting to go to the "Land of Opportunity". But USA has it's own moral attitudes that you cannot buy. There is some culture in USA which one has to adopt if you want to get to the very top. There is an "American Way" which those who are in the US Social Register follow. There is a form of elitism. So US is a land of elitism just like the old countries.

And Iranians in the US have finally realised that they can't ignore "The American Way". And it is not just the
Iranians. I recently came across Americans in the UK who had returned to their homeland after many generations. How ironical. At least here in the UK we make no pretences of "The Establishment" eg: the Queen etc etc.

So the bottom line is that you cannot run away from culture. If you live in a country with strong culture, like UK, you end up keeping your culture. We have strong Asian communities, and the Iranians here have kept the Iranian way along side the British way. We then have a much richer environment, even though the weather sucks. Ah well you can't have it all eh.

Ali Mostofi




I really enjoyed reading

by Anonymous0 (not verified) on

I really enjoyed reading this.
I also think your writing style's cute.

Curious Joe

The Morning After

by Curious Joe on

I do not know if MallyJack_Secrets had a dream or a nightmare (probably after consuming some Merlot). But the Community Based Organizations (CBOs) are not going to shut the fuck up, fuck off, go away and leave everyone the fuck alone.  The CBOs appear to want to spread their Dicktatorship through any means possible, including declaring Jihad -- or whatever...

So, your next dream/nightmare (after consuming more Merlot) -- will it include nuking the CBOs so that they can finally "leave everyone the fuck alone"?