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Six Stages of Grief
26-Mar-2010
I found this outline in my old notebooks. Since my daughter, capt_ayhab, Maziar58 and vildemose have recently expressed intense first hand Grief-laden experiences, I think this condensed map may help them (us) with identifying themselves (ourselves) in our individual points toward a proper-enough recovery in order to open up space in our minds and hearts for new experiences.
Granted with most Iranians of my generation, having experienced losses at multiple levels only by the virtue of leaving our homes, families and all things familiar, at early stages of our lives - we are still at some juncture struggling for true recovery from who and what we lost. In essence we are grieving each day, even when we choose to disconnect from it all by delving into touch and go connections, virtual or real.
My hope is for us to realize this: To let go means to fear less and love more.
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Six Stages of Grief
1. Shock and Total disbelief.
Your world is thrown upside down. You feel out of control. Rarely is anyone prepared. At best you go through the motions. Memory lapses are common. Shock is a defense mechanism which helps you through the first few days of a devastating event so you don't feel the full impact of the changed circumstances.
2. Denial - A buffer to the reality of the situation.
Denial prevents us from dealing with the feelings the new circumstance bring with it. The longer we are in denial, the longer we avoid facing our grief. Many who stay in denial begin to find other ways of numbing their pain, often with drugs, alcohol, or other addictions. We pretend if we don't think about something, it will go away and normalcy will return. However, we must feel the pain in order to begin to heal. When we refuse to feel the pain, we also prevent ourselves from feeling love, joy and other positive emotions.
3. Bargaining - I will give up something, or work really hard.
I'll go to church every Sunday, I'll check the locks three times before going out...If only... But time cannot be turned back. While bargaining provides temporary comfort, if carried on too long, it can prevent healing and the ability to go on with life.
4. Anger - The sense of being powerless and out of control.
Anger at those you feel responsible for placing you in the situation. Blaming God, temper tantrums, outbursts, or turning anger inward: depression. The longer we keep anger repressed, the longer it stays in our bodies. It will show up in our relationships with others. It will show up as disease, disability or symptoms. It can abolish the ability to work efficiently. The more a person bottles up their feelings of anger, the more likely that person will explode. Unless anger is properly addressed, it can turn into rage.
5. Guilt - Guilt is genuine phase of grieving.
People will feel as if they have failed or done something wrong. Guilt is more profound when a person is part of a tragedy (survivor guilt). Blaming ourselves for a dreadful situation is common. We curse our shortcomings and repeat our should-haves. Guilt will hamper progress in healing. Ask yourself, What lesson am I learning from this? How will this change my life? Is there some way that the new knowledge I have gained can help someone else?
6. Acceptance - As we acknowledge the situation for what it is, our wounds begin healing and we can move on with our lives.
This may not mean that the new circumstances are agreeable, or that grieving is completed. At times we may fall back into guilt or depression. With acceptance we can reinvent ourselves and create a new future. We may carve out a new sense of values. we can find new opportunities borne out of our loss. While we cannot return to the way it was, we can still discover meaningful things for us to do. A new set of realities has been thrust upon the person. Realities which the individual may not be fully aware of. These new circumstances need to be dealt with.
Adapted from: A Guide to Recovery; Regreiving by Diane Welch Vines, Ph.D
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this song is appropriate here
by Monda on Thu Apr 01, 2010 11:18 AM PDT//www.youtube.com/watch?v=uzR7u4rwFSY&feature...
No need for a grieving room here,
by Monda on Sun Mar 28, 2010 03:47 PM PDTMy second thought is we need to connect with our "real" friends. Those friends who trust and hold us and can be trusted and held back. JJ knows what he's talking about. Although I don't know why he brought in the culture of azaadaari! Readers sharing about their losses, if and when needed, hardly resembles the IRI way of azaadaari! Besides it was meant to be Optional.
"Culture of azadari" JJJ? Cliché, cliché, touche, toup-e!
by Anonymouse on Sun Mar 28, 2010 08:52 AM PDTNot that there is anything wrong with it. No need for grieving room but no need to tie it to the culture of azadari in Iran either. "Culture" of grieving for lost loved ones, young and old, is respect and love.
Everything is sacred.
vildemose here's an idea
by Monda on Sat Mar 27, 2010 12:37 PM PDTHow about we set up our own chat or skype sessions Monday nights? I can be available after 9:00 pm West Coast time until about 10:00 pm. Is that good?
BTW, not to brag but I had the idea way before Dailykos did! :o) Good for them acknowledging what's missing in this world: real interactive connections and then compassion. People need to connect to their emotions before they can be good conscientious citizens or intellectually productive in their own ways.
JJ JaAn:
by vildemose on Sat Mar 27, 2010 12:14 PM PDTDailykos's Grieving room. I actually lifted the idea from the dailykos site.
//www.dailykos.com/tag/The%20Grieving%20Room
we can celebrate with anyone anywhere, but...
by Monda on Sat Mar 27, 2010 08:34 AM PDTwe can only grieve where we feel safe and heard. It's your call of course.
Grieving room?
by Jahanshah Javid on Sat Mar 27, 2010 08:31 AM PDTAnyone can grieve or ... in their blogs.
If I were to set priorities, we need a room to celebrate and enjoy life much more than a place to grieve. Reminds me of the culture of azadari in Iran.
JJ jan now that I got your attention:
by Monda on Sat Mar 27, 2010 08:16 AM PDTWould you please review vildemose's suggestion for Grieving Room on IC, please?
(I do agree with you on cats and dogs)
Azarin azizam, for some it takes eternity
by Monda on Fri Mar 26, 2010 07:03 PM PDTmy aunt who lost both of her sons, was dealing with guilt until she died at age 94. Truly sad.
I hear you, it much depends on the intensity of loss and our character structures in dealing with dilemma. Also I consider the temperament factor here. I mean for those who are low on the approach and high on the regularity scales, loss of dear ones can be perhaps more difficult to grieve. But there are no rules. We deal with our losses case-specfically, in our own unique individual ways.
my thoughts are with you and your mother
by Monda on Fri Mar 26, 2010 06:55 PM PDTthis Norooz and next ones vildemose jan. You said it so well: price you pay for for having had the honor to have your brother in your lives. Yaadesh hamisheh zendeh baad.
Dear Anonymouse, personal reflections help...
by Monda on Fri Mar 26, 2010 06:51 PM PDTcombined with sharing with others. There's a great value in being heard which I hope you have access to at times of need. Thank you for your comment.
Monda jan: My mother and I
by vildemose on Fri Mar 26, 2010 06:49 PM PDTMonda jan: My mother and I are doing fine. But Norooz are still very hard because it was his favorite holiday. I still have his letters from the front line wishing that he could spend one more Norooz and neshastan payeh sofreyeh haftseen. He never made it...so, needless to say, Noroozes are extremely brutal every year but that's a price we pay for having had the honor to have them in our lives however, short and brief.
Excellent idea vildemose!!
by Monda on Fri Mar 26, 2010 06:48 PM PDTYou totally read my mind! I hope JJ considers this.
Some years back my friends and I were planning on creating a grieving forum/ website for Iranians - alas never materialized. But the idea is still a very useful one. Thanks for bringing this up.
Thank you Gavazn for reading this
by Monda on Fri Mar 26, 2010 06:42 PM PDTIt's always good to be proactive with these sort of life events, don't you think? I do hope you never lose anyone physically or emotionally close to you, ever.
The Grieving Room
by vildemose on Fri Mar 26, 2010 06:42 PM PDTSince many of our lives as Iranians have not escaped the Iran-Iraq war, the IRI's re[ression and its cirmes unscathed, I suggest a Grieving room here on IC. 'The Grieving Room should be a place where we all meet every Monday evening. Whether our loss is recent or many years ago, whether we have lost a person or a pet, or even if the person we are "mourning" is still alive ("pre-grief" can be a very lonly time) we can come to this room and process our grieving in our own way. Share whatever we need to share. We can't feel what others feel exactly, but we can be a sounding board and a place of connection. Sometimes just knowing that you're not helps one get through the grief a little less miserably.
vildemose jan, how are you?
by Monda on Fri Mar 26, 2010 06:39 PM PDTI mean how have you been in the process of grieving for your brother? How about your mother and all the other loved ones? Hugs and kisses back to you my friend. I am glad you are here.
Thank you Monda jan. You're
by vildemose on Fri Mar 26, 2010 06:30 PM PDTThank you Monda jan. You're so kind.
It took me years to accept...
by Azarin Sadegh on Fri Mar 26, 2010 03:24 PM PDTMy dear Monda,
Thank you so much for this great blog! I had already read about different stages of grief, and after my father's death, I kept wondering where I was standing in this process.
It took me years to go from one stage to another, or sometimes I remained at the intersection of a few of them altogether!
But I think I finally reached a kind of acceptance only through writing. By writing about him, all my senses of guilt and anger disappeared and through sharing my pain, the pain dispersed or maybe turned into a melancholic feeling each time I remembered him, or I saw an old picture of good old days where life wasn't so complicated.
I wish you and specially your daughter a smoother transition (compared to mine) going through these inevitable process!
Monda jaan very interesting. Worth reading again and reflecting.
by Anonymouse on Fri Mar 26, 2010 03:13 PM PDTNot that it always helps but it is good to know or keep in mind.
Everything is sacred.
Very touching
by Gavazn on Fri Mar 26, 2010 02:50 PM PDTI loved reading this blog Monda. I have not been in the position to lose a loved one, but it is good to know there are ways to help you deal with it.