Musings of a Middle-Aged Iranian Woman

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Nazy Kaviani
by Nazy Kaviani
19-Nov-2007
 

When you are middle-aged, birthdays don’t really mean that much. They depress less than they used to, but also delight a lot less. I must say, though, that I am surprised at experiencing another “growth-spurt” at this age. It isn’t a physical growth-spurt; well, if you don’t count my losing battle with bulge and gravity and grey hairs defying all efforts to hide them. It is an emotional growth spurt which is bizarre and totally unexpected, as I would have thought I had the worst of life behind me by now; but Lo’ and Behold! Here comes another era in my life which might equal my terrible two’s, my teen-age years, and the painful years of my life when I struggled with relationships and issues of identity, all put together! This one is right down awful!

It starts with being middle-aged and single mother to two college kids. It goes on to a career move I made a couple of years ago. It also entails yet another relocation from Iran to US for me (my fourth). Some days I have to give up the building tension and uneasiness in my life, and start laughing at the comedy, appearing as the lunatic that no doubt many think me to be on those days. Here, in random order, is what I’m thinking about these days:

Children: Motherhood has been the single most rewarding experience of my life. My two sons, 18 and 21, are no longer kids I need to continually nurture and maintain. They are grown-up young men who are more like my roommates than my kids. We live relatively peacefully together. They are slobs which get on my nerves to no end; but they are also thinking and feeling young adults, who increasingly serve as caring friends and companions. I have finally come to the realization that they won’t be going anywhere anytime soon! Living at home with an easy-going mother is probably a lot more convenient than battling it out for themselves in the world. As their private lives go, what I don’t know does not hurt me, at least on most days! Weighing things out, I would say they can stay for as long as they want. There goes my long-awaited dream of a cozy two-bedroom in Berkeley’s Gourmet Ghetto, once my kids move away. Life in suburbia will have to go on for now.

Family: In the new phase of my life, I continue to be a terrible family member to the rest of my family. I call them seldom and miss gatherings routinely now. Something bizarre is happening on that front. Much like me, my siblings are aging; however, they are settling down, which I simply can’t yet. They watch football games, have poker nights, and follow several weekly television programs. I do none of those. I am a bore to them and I just can’t seem to get into the groove in which they live. They think my cultural and social activities are bordering obsessive, and I think they are becoming old fast. It’s a good thing we do love each other so, and I hope to get over this stage and join them sometime just before retirement.

Relationships: All of a sudden, I’m single again. Part of me misses the companionship and comforts of a relationship. Another part of me celebrates my new freedom and my relief at not having to worry about and take care of yet another person all the time. The resultant schizophrenia gets too much to bear at times. Part of me wants to look into the few outstanding “invitations,” looking for the excitement and the potential. Another part of me wants to run away from having to figure out how to date, how to say yes, and how to say no, skills I never really learned having been married so long. I know how to start a million conversations with countless other people. I simply don’t know how to do it when male-female interests are present. Some of the time my empty bed is so sad to observe, and some of the time my pillow and blanket and I make the most peaceful corner of this world. Driving to and from events by myself was a really hard thing to learn. Arriving by myself used to feel so odd. I’m getting used to the fun of being solo, deciding when to arrive and when to leave as I please. I do miss the whole process of getting ready to go with someone else and looking for directions together, and showing up as a couple. This part of my life continues to be puzzling and bewildering to me.

Men: I thought I knew men. Of course I knew men. I was married and I have brothers and I have sons and I have male friends. As it turns out, I don’t know men at all! I look at them now, trying so hard to figure them out, hoping that I will figure it out with what I already know. I fail miserably every time. Outside of my familial ties and my friendships with them, Iranian men win the “most confusing” category of species every time! The ones who are my age are looking for women a lot younger than themselves, sometimes 20 years younger! The ones who are looking at me appear to be entirely too old, getting ready to retire. With all due respect for age, it is a turn off to look a man in the eyes, and see the cataract lining around them! Getting married when I was 18, I never learned to “come on” to men, as committed relationships don’t normally lend themselves to acquisition of such skills! These days I think I must look pathetic, appearing as a worldly and experienced middle-aged woman, yet feeling shy and inexperienced in relationships. Yikes. This one is more awful than I can bear to discuss further.

Politics: Whatever happened to America? Has Washington gone completely mad? While American democracy as I knew and loved has been compromised, giving the Government permission to step into private affairs of its citizens, there is talk about “exporting” democracy to other parts of the world. I wished all efforts could be concentrated on bringing democracy back to America and leaving the rest of the world alone. It must be just me, in my new crazy stage of life, wondering whom exactly US soldiers are fighting in Iraq? Come to think of it, US is fighting Iraqi’s in Iraq! Fighting them to give them democracy? I hate how surreal everything feels at my new stage of life. I used to feel so proud of being a registered voter of the Democratic Party. Watching Democrat Representatives and Senators sign off on the worst measures and laws this country has ever seen has been something like an out of body experience! At my new station, politics suck more than they ever did.

Iran: I think the Iranian American community in the US is the single most schizophrenic emigrant population of this country! Quite obviously we have moved to a country that we believe has given us opportunities we couldn’t enjoy in our motherland. Leaving Iran, though, has never meant stopping loving it. Looking at how things are enfolding, I feels such pain and concern for Iran and Iranians continuing to suffer, live around or under poverty line, and have to put up with a government that fears nothing as much as a democracy for its people. Iranians not only need to battle daily violations of their basic human rights, they now have to worry about their very existence and safety with war plans drawn and flaunted everyday. Living here and watching those plans discussed and advertised, not a day goes by when I feel peace of mind and comfort.

Work: I have had to learn new things at work, and unlearn things I had learned working in Iran. I have to rejoin the rat race and fend for myself. My contemporaries have gone on to assume a lot higher positions than I can reach for right now. Everyone is younger than me, including my boss, my boss’s boss, and her boss! It gets frightening some days to think how far away I am from retirement, and how hard I will have to continue to work just to stay abreast of my specialized field. It matters not how many years I have worked, and how many more years I will have to work. It matters that I stay in the game for the duration and sometimes it becomes overwhelming. Whereas once in a state of self-actualization I thought I had it all figured out, these days I am back to dwindling between living to work and working to live.

Do you see what I mean now? The “growth spurt” is not just a figment of my imagination, I hope you agree. It is an equally scary and exciting matter. As I grapple with it, aching some days and finding sheer delight in it some other days, I celebrate my middle-age for it is as real as things will ever get. I will write about some of these topics in more detail soon.

//nazykaviani.blogspot.com/

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Our lives improve only when

by xivaro1 (not verified) on

Our lives improve only when we take chances - and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves

Walter Anderson


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Nazy jan: You have reached

by xivaro1 (not verified) on

Nazy jan: You have reached self-actualization at an early age where most people are not lucky enough to find it ever in their life time. Self-awarness is the greatest gift that God bestows upon only a chosen few. You're blessed to have such a refined mind and generous spirit to examine your life and your fears in a public forum in hopes of contributing to heal humanity as a whole. Your survival as a single mother in and of itself is victory.

The meaning of success is what you've overcome and continue to overcome in your life not what some social and cultural norms tell you what it should be. Your compassion for humanity sets you apart far beyond your years from the rest of us and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Regarding men: Iranain men are not mature enough to deserve you and frankly they have nothing to offer you that you already don't have...hahaha

love
xivaro


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I can understand what you

by ma (not verified) on

I can understand what you are expressing extremely well.
It seems like we're in different boats but in the same shallow river!
There are a few differences between my state and yours, namely, that I don't have some of your priviledges!
Priviledges which you might not consider as just that, "priviledge", at this moment!
I: single mom, 2 kids, one in college, one still HS, middle aged...
and my health is in a terrible state!
My kids are good kids, I still have minimal income(thank God)and my ex does provide for the kids, but my quality of life since my illness began 4 years ago has gone from a 6 out of 10, to a 2!
I rarely get out of the house to go places now.

My family and lovely friends do most things for me and I really appreciate that!
I'd love to physically be able to go to a good concert or an event, and not be wiped out half way through the event, but it hasn't been possible in these past years.
(that's why I like the pictures of events and such on this site, it's like "vasfol eish- nesf-ol eish!")
For some reason my friends still find me cheerful and we do have a good laugh when we see each other!!
So, my two cents would be: live life and live it well, of course care for others and do what you can, but worrying alone and downer thoughts will take you nowhere,- I try to keep myself happy over little things... rememember this is coming from me, not someone who is riding the waves!
Take care,
M


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loved it!

by rare specie- honest Iranian (not verified) on

I am reaching my late 30s and can totally relate to your story. What a wonderful and honest count of your experience! I really enjoyed reading it and I hope we, as Iranian women, start to give up "heelegari and lies" a about oursevles all of which stemmed from our fears and co-dependencies to men.


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cyber diagnosis

by Fred (not verified) on

If this guy’s cyber diagnosis of depression is as accurate as his description of Islamist Republic where:” Iranians laugh more than other nations” and that he has seen it himself, then you must be one healthy lady with the intestinal fortitude to publically air your unedited apprehensions and longings.


Jahanshah Javid

Ageless

by Jahanshah Javid on

Thank you Nazy for revealing so much of your most private fears & feelings. It's so rare for us Iranians to do so. We think by keeping everything inside and hiding our true feelings, we can protect ourselves from the world. Look at the person who called you "depressed"! Who would want that kind of response? But the truth is that sharing your inner most thoughts is a sign of maturity. It shows the desire to understand ourselves, to change and move forward with an open mind. I see a woman with great wisdom and love for life. That's ageless.


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You Suffer from Depression and Codependency

by Pir-e Kharaabaat (not verified) on

Your perception of reality is distorted. These are few example of your wrong vision.
P
Your view of life is skewed. Your cure is to see things as they are and accept them. Simply, you cannot change anything outside of you. There is nothing wrong with being middle-aged. Everyone is going to get there someday chronologically. It is your mental state that is your salvation.
p
Your view of Iranian men is filled with negativity. The best mate for an Iranian woman is an Iranian man. Of course you can always try Americans of others. Then you will beg the Iranian variety. Sure, they prefer the younger model. Who does not! You have at least 30 million Iranian men to choose from. There must be at least one that fits your desire. If you think there are none, then you have depression. Also, if you have taken care of men in your previous relationships, then you are a care-taker type. You are co-dependent. You relationships are doomed to fail.
p
You view of Iran is totally wrong. There is less hardship and human right abuse in Iran than elsewhere. Iranians get together more often, take more trips, and laugh more than other nations I have seen. Sure, there are some rough treatments of few folks who are endangering Iranian national security. If they are left alone, they may sell Iran to the highest bitter or break Iran into small pieces. If you think otherwise, then you don’t see things as they are. As you stated, Americans are fighting Iraqis in Iraq because Iraqis thought like you do before the American invasion.
p
I have to go now. I look forward to read more of your blogs on Iranian.com, of course the happier ones. Cure is not fast. It may take a few years if you start now. You have a lot of growth a head of you. Get together with friends and family with no expectation of anything in return. Most importantly, read. That is the best cure.


Anonymouse

Checkmating yourself?

by Anonymouse on

Most if not all of your comments are true. Sometimes artists whether they are writers or poets see all the bad and end up deliberating them in a cycle. I think you need to find one good thing and use it as a small guiding light. It can be anything, as long as you can hold on to it and find happiness even if it is in short durations, very short durations. It can't be your kids because they are not going to act how you'd like them to act and have a life of their own. There are always stereotypes of what to do, but I think the one item that you can think about is the fact that you state you're now used to being alone and enjoying it on occasions. So use that part. Even if you want to pursue some relationships, pursue it from the viewpoint of an individual. Don't be a "feminist" though! don't be judgemental. Shed the skin that is no longer needed and is at best a bore now. Sometimes be a "new school" not old school all the time. In the end if nothing else works say it can't get any worse than this!


Curious Joe

How about some poetry to sum it all...

by Curious Joe on

Beshno as ney chon hekaayat mikonad
Az kamieh lez-zat hey shekayaat mikonad

Gar khod raa andaki Paaeen pazir
Ehtiaji nist beh chizi joz naan-o-panir

 


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You are confused; what do you need from us?

by [(:-o) (not verified) on

Puzzled!!!!