Niki Tehranchi

And the Award for the Best Aretha Franklin Tribute goes to...

Jennifer Hudson, for rocking the sh*t out of the Aretha Franklin hit "RESPECT." Best-looking, best-dressed, best performing and best-sounding female singer at the Grammys.  Eat it, Simon Cowell!

And the Award for the Most Horrifying Moment goes to...

Ricky Martin for wearing jeggings!

And the Award for Best Acceptance Speech goes to...

"Thank you Justin Bieber for not being in a group or duo" quipped by Train's lead singer, after his band won for "Best Group or Duo" for their song "Hey Soul Sister."

And the Award for the Clumsiest Assassination Attempt goes to...

The Ninja warriors who desperately tried to chop up Justin Bieber during his performance of "Never say never" but instead, like rats transfixed by the Pied Piper, morphed into his unwilling back-up dancers.

And the Award for the Most Literal Dress goes to...

Actress Pauley Perrette who donned a neon green mini dress with musical notes emblazoned boldly across it, so that she did not forget she was supposed to be a presenter at the Grammys.  (Look for Amy Adams to wear a "movie reel" gown at the upcoming Oscars).

And the Award for the Most Intellectual Commercial Break goes to...

Ricky Martin (again!) for controversially wishing that there would be "less cancer, and more birthdays..." during an American Cancer Society public service announcement.

And the Award for "I don't do nearly enough drugs to really enjoy this surreal performance" goes to...

Gwyneth Paltrow, in pink feather earrings, dueting with a fat peacock pimp and his muppet hos, on the song "F*** You"

And the Award for Loveliest Trio goes to...

John Mayer, Norah Jones, and Keith Urban paying homage to the great Dolly Parton.  Seriously, the cast of Glee was invited to the Grammys and not Dolly?!!! Shaaaayyyyymmmmmmeeee on you Grammys!!!

And the Award for the Best Performance of the Night goes to...

Madonna, for Express Yourself.  No, wait, um, ahem, I mean Lady Gaga for Born this Way.  Okay, okay gotcha!!! No, seriously, hands down, the best performance of the night was Marshall Mathers a.k.a. my favorite living poet, a.k.a. EMINEM.  I love you, man.