This Week in the News

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Niki Tehranchi
by Niki Tehranchi
12-Aug-2010
 

The Day the Laughter died

Iranian-American expatriates attending a conference in Tehran were perplexed when President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad delivered a speech riddled with uncharacteristic wisecracks, until he explained to them that the real reason they had been invited was to participate in a new reality show starring Ahmadinejad as Iran's Last Comic Standing.

Meanwhile, spokesmen continued to deny reports that Mr. Ahmadinejad had been the subject of an assassination attempt last week,  explaining instead that "what really happened was Dick Cheney accidentally shot Mahmoud while they were both on their annual, traditional quail hunting trip."

 

Hey, all you had to do was ask

U.S. Secretary of State Hilary Clinton called on the Iranian government to release all political prisoners in accordance with its obligations under the International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights.  To which Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei immediately responded with: "Albateh ke we will release them all, Hilary Joon, negaran nabash.  And then, me and you can both put on tuxedos and rhinestone hats and walk solemnly on the White House Front Lawn carrying bouquets of snapdragons."

 

Mr. Potatoe-Head

Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle'son, Ben Quayle, who is currently running for a Congressional seat in Arizona, called Barack Obama "the worst President in history" in a controversial new political ad campaign.  Quayle then returned home to find that all his walls had mysteriously shattered into thousands of fragments of glass.

 

Jet Blues 

Jet Blue flight attendant Steven Slater became an overnight folk hero when he slid down the emergency chute of his airplane after being abused one too many time by an irate passenger.  Inspired by Slater's resulting meteoric rise in popularity, President Barack Obama decided to do the same on Air Force One after being abused one too many times by an irate Teabag movement.

 

Top Chef

Osama Bin Laden's cook was sentenced to 14 years in prison by a Guantanamo Bay U.S. Military Tribunal.  Among the charges Ibrahim al Qosi was convicted of: Conspiring with al Qaeda to lace the creamy filling in Napoleon pastries with Anthrax and torturing American prisoners of war by forcing them to shave hundreds of pounds of Parmesan cheese.

 

Unintentionally ironic movie title

Cinematic history was made when for the first time, old box office rivals Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Bruce Willis appeared in a film together.  The Expendables opens this Friday, August 13, 2010.  Quick, somebody get me a Time Machine back to Friday, August 13, 1986, so I can really care.

 

HAVE A GREAT WEEK-END EVERYONE!!!

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more from Niki Tehranchi
 
comrade

Move over, Christiane

by comrade on Sat Aug 14, 2010 06:49 PM PDT

I hope you will continue on this laborious style of news delivery. And if you have time for my kind of preaching, I'd say go deeper, than longer.

I can not thank you enough for filling a definite void on this site. 

"The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing."

 


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Niki Tehranchi

Feel free to add your own news item

by Niki Tehranchi on Sat Aug 14, 2010 05:31 PM PDT

I am overwhelmed by all your positive responses. Would love to read your take on the news as you inspire me daily with your sense of humor.  By the way, Jahanshah obviously you have inspired this as I remember when you used to do all the news on iranian.com with your hilarious titles. I am going to try to keep this up every week.

Best! 


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Bavafa

Great job, it was well worth the time reading them

by Bavafa on Sat Aug 14, 2010 04:03 PM PDT

Mehrdad


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IRANdokht

witty and smart

by IRANdokht on Sat Aug 14, 2010 02:34 PM PDT

This is the way news should be delivered :) 

Brilliant reporting 

IRANdokht


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Jahanshah Javid

All the news fit to print

by Jahanshah Javid on Sat Aug 14, 2010 09:19 AM PDT

Love your sense of humor :)


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Anahid Hojjati

dear Nikki, your blog was great, funny and smart

by Anahid Hojjati on Sat Aug 14, 2010 01:50 AM PDT

Dear Nikki, I enjoyed your blog very much.  I especially liked the one about JetBlues and the last one. Great job.


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Niki Tehranchi

Thanks guys!

by Niki Tehranchi on Fri Aug 13, 2010 02:29 PM PDT

Glad to put a smile on your face :)


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Monda

Good One Nikki :o)

by Monda on Fri Aug 13, 2010 09:38 AM PDT

AN and Hillary's scenario was my favorite crack up! Have a Good weekend.


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Abarmard

Great job Niki

by Abarmard on Fri Aug 13, 2010 08:52 AM PDT

Another great post.

Have a great weekend


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Anonymouse

One more news about Abdullah (Vikings) football player fasting.

by Anonymouse on Fri Aug 13, 2010 06:45 AM PDT

Husain Abdullah the Minnesota Vikings' backup safety is fasting for 30 days during the month of Ramadan in the heat of the summer. 

To make this work he eats and drinks like there is no tomorrow during the night which makes him toss and turn during the night but he keeps himself up by taking MASSIVE amounts of Nodooz before sunrise to compensate! The makers of 8 Hours Energy caffeine drink were looking to sign him as a spokesman!

Everything is sacred


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Anonymouse

And Molly became Hell Kitchen's winner!

by Anonymouse on Fri Aug 13, 2010 04:42 AM PDT

After much profane language and over cooked and under cooked meals and yelling RAW! RAW! Molly won.  I'm not really sure who was the better chef of the last 2 but the better looking one won! 

Everything is sacred


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Red Wine

:=)

by Red Wine on Fri Aug 13, 2010 01:23 AM PDT

Dear Niki.. is so wonderful your style of writing,i enjoy a lot to read your stuff.very good working and thank you for sharing.

Have a nice weekend .


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i_support_khamenie

before you tell us the news

by i_support_khamenie on Fri Aug 13, 2010 01:15 AM PDT

tell us what you named your son or daughter.

afterall, you posted a blog asking for suggestions.

was it all a lie?? wouldn't you consider that an abuse of people;s good will.

and honestly, i atleast want proof with a printed copy of front page of iranian.com next to your kid's picture so we make sure that we don't fall for another lie

i;m tired of people abusing people's good nature for no reason other than self entertainment


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