Victim of chimp attack in 'critical but stable' condition

Dr. Ben Bernanke said USA , 500, remains in critical but stable condition after her friend's pet chimp Israel, once featured in Arab-Israeli war for Coca-Cola and Old Navy, attacked her Monday.

USA ,500, had just arrived into Iraq war for her one and only friend, Israel, 60, when the Zionist, named Israeli-AIPAC, jumped on her banking system as a leach and began biting and mauling her, said Dr. Ben Bernanke.

Dr. Ben Bernanke elaborated the attack was unprovoked although historically, the relationship has always been symbiotic, "we always give and they always receive and the overeager Joe takes it up the wazo."

But this time it is completely different Joe is beginning to hemorrhage. He described it as "brutal and lengthy." ... "the S&P index has declined 35 percent, unemployment rose to 7.6 percent, the highest rate since 1992, and the economy has sunk into a deep recession."

"The unemployment rate in the small town in South Carolina where I grew up has risen to 14 percent," he said, "and I learned the other day that what had once been my family home has been recently put through foreclosure."

when asked as to solution, he replayed, Print money and then print some more; "I think we can break the back of this thing,". He continued , "Extraordinary times call for extraordinary measures," ; We have to pump this economy and make sure she will take it like a Falastinian.

Bernanke explained that signs are improving since injection of extensive relief in form of short term Stimulus plan to counter injuries to her face and hands. When in pain, he explained, give them something bigger they will forget about the smaller ones.

Joe who has sobered up by all the commotion said, "The chimp killed my friend" and "He's ripping her apart." .

A casual observer stated the chimp had been acting "rambunctious", and that its head must be tested for a rabies test ....

Ben Bernanke disagreed. He replayed that what good study will do any way. And he even indulged in a bit of economist humor when talking about the paradox of encouraging people to spend even though overspending caused the problem: "Somebody once called this the Augustinian principle, which says something like, 'Let me be moral, but not quite yet.' "

Ben Bernanke emphasized that USA needs a complete system reboot. Even then, he acknowledged that policymakers haven't "stopped the bleeding."