To the people who've pissed me off this week -- part 2

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tissa
by tissa
08-Dec-2010
 

This is an open letter to the people who've pissed me off so far this week. And it's only Wednesday. Here we go....

Dear Comedy Club MC Who Can't Pronounce My Name Correctly Even Though I've Told You How To Say It 4000 Times: I realize that most comedians are white dudes with regular white dude names that you don't have to think too hard about, but seriously, how hard is it to say Tissa? It rhymes with Lisa, for God's sake. It's not Tess, Toss, Tesh, Tish, or Tissue. It's Tissa. Tee-sah. Got it? Good. Now that we've got that squared away, please do not ask me if it's short for anything. Because it is. But if you couldn't manage to say Tissa correctly, then there's no way you're going to be able to say Tissapeh. Oh, what's that now? You want to know what it means in my language? It's ancient Persian for "we're so disappointed it's not a boy."

Dear Young Mexican Guy on the Street Who Called Me Lupe and Started Speaking to Me in Spanish: I realize you and I are the only brown people in a 10-block radius, but that doesn't automatically make me a Mexican woman named Lupe. I don't know this Lupe you speak of, but since you sincerely seemed to think that I was her, I can only deduce that she is stunningly beautiful. As for whatever you said to me in Spanish, all I can say is, yo no comprendo. My Spanish is limited to important vocabulary like taco, burrito, and chimichanga. And sangria.

Dear Lady Who Works at the Antique Store: I understand that I didn't walk into your store looking all suave and elegant like your usual uppity clientele, but I happen to like furniture and love antiques and your store is open to everyone to browse, n'est-ce pas? Thought I'd throw a little French your way, cherie. You seem like the type who would appreciate that. Which brings me to....

Dear White People in My New Neighborhood: Yes, I live here. No, I'm not somebody's nanny. Stop giving me That Look.

Dear Guys Who Work at the Local Grocery Store: Really, I live here. I really do. And I speak English just fine, so you don't need to speak to me sloooooowly when you talk to me. And dammit, stop giving me That Look. I already told you I wasn't the nanny. Geez.

Dear New Mommies in the Coffee Shop: I realize you gave up your super career in PR to marry that venture capitalist and start a family and it's not as blissful as you thought it would be, but I have news for you -- nobody cares about your high-class problems. Stop blabbing about how your husband's bonus is shrinking 50% this year or how you can't buy the $1000 Dutch pram you want or how you're wondering why you bothered getting that degree from Vassar. Oh, and one more thing. Nobody cares about your baby. Stop talking about him incessantly. And don't even think about coming over here and asking me what my nanny rates are.

Dear Smoking Hot Persians at the Persian Dance Party: My goodness, ya'll, how'd you get your eyebrows to look like that? And that's just the guys. You know I love all you Persian boys with your slick hair, designer clothes, and hot cars that you can't afford. I wish I could be the hot blonde overly made-up Persian girl with the 3-inch fake lashes and 10-inch heels in the tight black little dress on your arm, but alas, I still have my original nose, boobs, and hair color, and I know I don't measure up. It may sound like I'm making fun, but really, I'm not. I totally admire you ladies who are so bold about your looks. It gives me something to aspire to. Maybe if I'm a good little Iranian comedian in this life, I can come back as a hot Persian bombshell in my next life.

Dear Kaiser Permanente: I'm pretty sure that you're trying to kill me.

Let's all try to do better next week, shall we?

Love,

Lupe

Bio
Tissa Hami is a stand-up comic. She will perform with the "FUNatical Comedy Tour" on December 11th at 8pm at the Los Angeles Theatre Center and on December 12th at 6pm at Caspian in Irvine. Visit her website at www.tissahami.com.

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more from tissa
 
Parthianshot91

Btw

by Parthianshot91 on Sat Dec 11, 2010 10:49 PM PST

are you a new comedian?

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"They are not afraid of the ideology alone, but of the detemination and will of the men behind it"


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Parthianshot91

why would you wish

by Parthianshot91 on Sat Dec 11, 2010 10:44 PM PST

To be a guido wannabe?

 --------------------------------------------------------------

"They are not afraid of the ideology alone, but of the detemination and will of the men behind it"


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Tehran

Thanks very nicely written

by Tehran on Sat Dec 11, 2010 12:33 PM PST

I enjoyed reading both parts, but come on there has to be something that made you happy in the whole week…

Happiness is all around us it’s just the way we see things that makes them a bad thing or a good thing for example, When I go to starbucks at 10 in the morning, I do see these mummies that you are talking about but seeing them makes me very happy because with them are those cute adorable babies that I can googooli googoo with (from far away).  The babies smile back at me (aside from the ones that start crying…) and it makes me happy for the rest of the day thinking about their beautiful smiles.

There is a newly opened high class grocery store down the street from where I live.  They offer valet parking service for $7 (of course the first 5 min is free )I have the best time of my life when I go there with my family and together we make fun of their high prices for everything. For example $85 for a piece of filet mignon (which I am sure is worth every penny).  Sure the cashiers gave us the look the first time we were there but now they know my family and sometimes they even join us in the laugh. 

Being a hot bombshell Iranian girl is not a bad thing (I, too, have my original nose BTW & no it is not anything even close to what Angie has).  Having your nose done and redone doesn’t make one a bad person neither does keeping the original one make one a good girl.  That’s the way they like to live their lives…who is there to say this is a better way of living or that’s a better way.  One thing that I am proud of about living in the west is that I have developed a way to think free of all the prejudice.  I am sure anyone who works damn hard to keep fit physically, will look stunning in a 10-inch heels wearing a tight black little dress, I know I do :D

Again thanks for the piece, & look forwarding to read about all the things that cheered you up next week, all 3 parts of them.  


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Niloufar Parsi

btw

by Niloufar Parsi on Sat Dec 11, 2010 04:52 AM PST

my question was put in the spirit of the famous iranian joke about the 'turk' who defeats the greatest and cleverest computer in the world (as part of a global competition that includes the world's greatest minds) by asking the following 2 questions of the super-computer:

1. che khabar?

2. (once the computer finally finishes answering the first question) digeh che khabar? :)


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Niloufar Parsi

nice read tissa

by Niloufar Parsi on Sat Dec 11, 2010 04:44 AM PST

so how did the rest of the week go?!


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tissa

Thanks!

by tissa on Thu Dec 09, 2010 12:35 PM PST

Thanks to everyone for reading and commenting!  Glad you enjoyed the humor.

Anahid jan and Monda jan, thanks for always reading my pieces and writing supportive words about my work.  Much appreciated.

Anonymouse, I've tried the coffee shop wifi thing too and it was an epic fail.

Dirty Angel, thanks for shaking things up around here.


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Monda

This is Great! : )))

by Monda on Thu Dec 09, 2010 10:58 AM PST

Wish I could crack up with you in LA, I know I could use it! 


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Dirty Angel

ROFLM!!!

by Dirty Angel on Thu Dec 09, 2010 07:36 AM PST

EXCELLENT!

I'm going to remember your blog, when something similar happens and get the giggles!

"What's three times worse than war?" "Three wars?"


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Anonymouse

V funny! How bout new mommies in d coffee shop w/out rich hubys?

by Anonymouse on Thu Dec 09, 2010 05:37 AM PST

People in coffee shops with laptops annoy me in general.  Especially when they go there looking for work claiming they can't do it at home!  When did this happen?  In my lifetime I went to a coffee shop once with my laptop and I didn't even know how to use their wi-fi.

Apparently you have to buy a coffee and use the code in your receipt AND have an account before you can use their wi-fi.  I was able to use the wi-fi from the store next door!

This whole coffee shop going business reminds me of my cousin who used to walk around looking at his book "pretending" he is studying, trying to learn the lessons by heart as we did in Iran, but the page would never turn!  Same page while he was day dreaming! 

Everything is sacred


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Anahid Hojjati

Tissa jan, I love when you write about people who have...

by Anahid Hojjati on Thu Dec 09, 2010 12:19 AM PST

Dear Tissa, I love when you write about people who have pissed you off. In your piece, you really show how arrogant, stupid, mean, etc. some people can get. I enjoyed all parts of your blog so it is hard to choose one section of it. But this part is really applicable to our times, where you wrote:"Dear New Mommies in the Coffee Shop:  I realize you gave up
your super career in PR to marry that venture capitalist and start a
family and it's not as blissful as you thought it would be, but I have
news for you -- nobody cares about your high-class problems."

Thanks for sharing. 

 


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