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Kopol vs. Topol
Battle of the bulge
Parts (1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6)

May 18, 2002
The Iranian

By Siamack Salari

Today (Thursday 17th of May) is the first day of my diet. The beginning of a new me. A slimmer, more handsome and fitter me.

I started the day by blowing the cobwebs off a pair of old trainers in preparation for a non-stop run (no walking in the middle) around a green not far from our house.

The time was 8am and my wife V watched from between the sheets as I squeezed into some old shorts and threw on my T-shirt. Two minutes later I was standing outside on the pavement taking some deep breaths in readiness for what was going to be my first run in a long, long time.

The run itself was not nearly as bad as I had feared. I didn't run badly out of breath and I didn't feel like throwing up at the end of it despite working up a good sweat. The only slight problems were a) my shorts rubbed together in the middle and rode up till the fatty, hairy bits of my inside legs were rubbed almost raw and, b) I didn't realise how slowly I had been running until I saw some people walking to the bus stop ahead of me and never quite managed to overtake them.

Not to worry I say to myself. I will wear long tracksuit bottoms and steadily build my speed up over the next few weeks. In total, I ran just over 1 mile. The attached pictures show me minutes after my run. You can also see the size of my belly which will gradually flatten out exposing my six pack (I must have a set somewhere, right?)

The rest of the day was spent at a conference - I had an egg mayonnaise sandwich - and walking to Selfridges (a well known UK department store) where I was to meet V for some gift buying for a friend's birthday.

We then decided to go to Hafez for a chelo kabab for me and a vegetarian Bademjoun for V. The only rules were that I wouldn't have my usual Salad Olivieh and that we would skip the Bakhlava and Zoolbia Bamieh at the end. I opted for paneer and sabzi to start with and a chelo kabab makhsoos for my main.

V managed to annoy me right from the outset by confiscating my paneer. The waiters became discreetly curious when I grabbed at the fork that she used to take my paneer to her plate. There was a slight tug of war before I realised that V wasn't going to release her grip. I gave in and smiled awkwardly at the waiters.

It is now 8:30pm and I have just weighed myself. I weigh 233 pounds or 106kg. I need to lose at least 57 pounds or 26kg. I will keep a weekly journal with photos so those of you who are interested can witness my progress.

By Jahanshah Javid

Few months ago I was at Zara's for a meeting with her and Saeed to come up with ideas to help generate money for The most brilliant idea, in fact, was from Siamack.

I said Siamack has sent me this email that he really has to lose weight and that he wants to do it in a way that would help too. Like people would pledge $50 dollars or whatever for every pound he lost. (Wow. He won't do it for his health. He won't do it to look good with that cute face of his. He won't do it to stop feeling embarrassed in public. He won't do it to stop hating the way he looks. He won't do it for his gorgeous wife. But he'll do it for Marhabaa! I think I found a president for my fan club.)

So we thought, yeah! We'll make this big campaign to make readers donate X amount of money for every pound Siamack loses... va az een harfaa. Then I thought for a while. I said I've been running this site for almost seven years. I said I know these cheap bastards. There'll be only 10 or 15 hardcore fans (including relatives) making donations and we'll all look like an ass.

So forget that. This is a challenge between two men! This is war baby!

I have bought Luna bars ("The whole nutrition bar for women"), milk and bananas and I'm going to kick Siamack's fat eyerainian ass. For a start, I ran and walked around my block in Albany for 45 minutes this morning. I smelled a rose along the way and smiled at a beautiful woman who smiled back. So just imagine what could happen if I become even more irresistable. Khodaaye man...

Here's my video message to that punk Siamack (You need QuickTime to see and hear. It's free)

So right now I weigh a hundred and fucking ninty eight pounds or 90 kilos. And I'm angry... Really angry.

See you next week, fat boy.

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By Siamack Salari
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