46 Signs

Why the U.S. economy is in recession


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46 Signs
by varjavand
22-Aug-2008
 

If you think that the US economy is not in recession, you are correct. The official definition of recession is at least two consecutive quarters of negative economic growth. However, after nearly eight years of resilient downturn, U. S. economy has not experienced any single quarter of negative growth yet. Consequently, the U. S. economy is not officially in recession.  But who cares about government definition. Most of us have been feeling the pinch of economic slump in recent years. The late president Aegean once said “A recession is when your neighbor loses his job; a depression is when you lose yours.” Suspicious of government data, I have been searching for the signs, and compiling a list, of the symptoms that can tell us whether U. S. economy is on brink of a recession:

   1. Economy is so bad, I don’t know how many Ks are left in my 401K retirement funds
   2. I can no longer afford a copy of Sport Illustrate Swim Suits, so I just pick up a free copy of Victoria Secret catalogue
   3. When I tell my wife that I am eating out today, she knows that I am going to Sam’s Club for free food samples.
   4. People go to airport just to get a free X-ray lying down on a luggage screening machine.
   5. On my way to work, I saw Paris Hilton standing on the side walk holding a sign that said: unemployed, hungry; I appear in any video tape even with my cloths on for food.
   6. Evidently, the bank rubbers have found it easier to get a loan than to rub a bank. Some banks have posted a sign at their entrance which says:  rubbers are welcome
   7. Funeral homes have started offering generic funeral
   8. Oprah Winfrey decided to serve as a juror more often just to earn $17.20 a day
   9. Some divorce lawyers are offering buy one get one free deal
  10. Cemeteries have hired two young men carrying shovel and pick ax, chasing every old person walking nearby
  11. The business at Thrift shops is booming. They are changing their name to “poor men’s Wal-Mart”
  12. Now, Afghanistan and Iraq are sending economic aids to the U.S.
  13. Many of the immigrants want to be deported back to their native countries
  14. Publishers Clearing House is changing its slogan from “you may already be a winner” to “You may already be a loser”
  15. Anytime I go to McDonald’s, I have to down size my value meal
  16. The other day, they were taping the “Life style of reach and famous” from Old country Buffet
  17. Even Mormons can no longer afford polygamy any more
  18. The name of the game show “Who wants to be a millionaire” has been changed to “Who wants to see a millionaire”
  19. Hollywood is making a sequel to “Road to perdition” It is called “the Road to Depression”
  20. Even Medaeen Drug cartel is filing for chapter 11 bankruptcy
  21. People high jacking airplanes from U. S. to Afghanistan and to Cuba to seek political asylum
  22. Bill Gates:
         A. Buying refill ink cartridge for his printer
         B. Washing his cloths at coin-operated launder mat
         C. Changing his name to Dollar Bill Gates
         D. Writing a sequel to “the Road Ahead”, called “The Bumpy Road Ahead”
         E. Has been making sandwiches using ordinary catch up instead of Grey Poupon
         F. buying gift for his wife at Dollar store
         G. going to the county health fair to receive a free flu vaccine
         H. asking the salesman at a jewelry store if they sell one carrot gold
         I. asking the sales person at appliances store if they sell one foot refrigerator
         J. Transferring his kids from private school to public school
        H. Hitchhiking for a ride home
  23. The Public Broadcasting Corporation (PBS) has been taping the “Life style of rich and famous” from Old Country Buffet
  24. PBS was forced to cancel the show called; the “Life style of rich and famous” because they cannot find any
  25. Cisco systems is changing its name to Crisco
  26. Instead of shopping at Dollar Plus store, now I shop at regular Dollar store.
  27. Sock market so volatile, I saw this famous broker with his clients at a children’s park riding see-saw to explain to them the stock market fluctuations
  28. You can’t even trade 500stocks of Boston Chicken for one of its individual meal
  29. One of those people who received presidential pardon rejected the offer. He said, given the condition of the economy, he prefer to remain in jail
  30. The other day I was at my doctor’s office. He told me that your chest X-ray does not look good. I told him, I can’t afford costly treatments. Can you just retouch my X-ray and make it look better?
  31. The Dollar stores and the flea markets are offering gift registry services.
  32. Doctors offering free second opinion for prostate exam!
  33. When your doctor tells you that he works with a team of international experts, he means that his cleaning lady is from Mexico.
  34. NBC is launching a new TV show. It is called; Meal or No Meal
  35. People burn their house just for the insurance money
  36. the Lotto officials are offering a full thank of gas as the grand prize
  37. Even Mr. Hue Hefner cannot afford to have more than one girlfriend
  38. Any time a teacher wash his pants, his classes will be cancelled because he cannot afford a dryer and has to stay home until his pants dries out.
  39. Older people celebrate the occasions of menopause and the finishing of deductibles on their insurance policy
  40. People celebrate the occasion of the anniversary of their unpaid bills
  41. Foreign countries have purchased so mush properties in the U. S that the title of the famous folk song “This Land is My Land” has been changed to “This Land is Their Land”
  42. The U. S. corporations reward their CEOs with the certificates good for Happy Meals at McDonald’s.
  43. Cabinet sellers offer kitchen cabinets and outdoor furniture with real live Lazy Suzanne
  44. I told my wife that my tooth ache keeps me awake at night; she said that is good, you can moonlight as a waiter at Danny’s now.
  45. National debt is at all time high. When asked how we are going to pay off the debt, President Bush replied we can’t. Let them send it to the collection agency

And, finally

 46. The last phrase of the U. S national anthem has been changed from “The home of the brave” to the “home of the broke”


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Shining Head

Re: Samsam1111, well said. (Samsam1111=FK=FARID=F...)

by Shining Head on

FK,

Have you started posts in response to yourself again? Are you having fun?


Farhad Kashani

Samsam1111, well said.

by Farhad Kashani on

Samsam1111, well said.


samsam1111

Farhad Kashani!

by samsam1111 on

exempting Mr Varjavand,s essay from the following comment,

There are always groups of people who find humour at other people,s misery & tragedy be it, Sep 11 joicing on the streets having their tongues in their a$$ celebrating death of thousands of infidels, American economical downturn or Katrina Hurricane...etc..But my friend always remember that "those who laugh last laugh the best"..Don,t bother! . Many of them have found this site to be their jumping ground platform. Let them drown in their own ignorance!

Mr Varjavand:

Eventhough I found some of Your satires very funny but my "out of principle" forced refusal to laugh caused me to fart which I guess could be considered a sort of underground laugh. I will give You a b+ on Your essay and a C- on the choice of the country.Next time please write a satire as funny as this one on  Russia,s main export to the world (Mafia & world class hookers).

Best Regards !& Thank You for bearing with my some what Intrusive & Invasive foray into Your article page.

 


Farhad Kashani

Mr. Varjavand,   As I

by Farhad Kashani on

Mr. Varjavand,

 

As I mentioned in my previous posting, I am one of those middle class citizens who had to cut many luxuries due to the current economic status. What I’m against is the exaggeration of these difficulties and the attempt by some Iranians to use this to bash the U.S. and I didn’t say you are one of them. I don’t think you are. Soufi, for example definitely is. And they use that bashing to make regimes like the Iranian regime look like victims. They think Iranians are not ware of their tricks.

 

Thanks.


soufi

Re: Mr. Kashani; This

by soufi on

Professor Varjavand

This feloow FK is a zio-nazi and anti-iranian. he pretends to be iranian. He is just an idiot. Ignore him.


varjavand

Mr. Kashani; This

by varjavand on

Mr. Kashani;

This piece of writing is not a Sunday sermon or a speech to Friday prayers. It is just satire designed to draw attention to a more serious problem and hopefully open eyes to the truth through humor. Perhaps, when you stop seeing things through the lenses of cynicism, they may look different to you.

 

Whether we like it or not, U. S. economy has been suffering from a prolonged downturn in recent years. This is not my opinion; it is what the majority of experts, even some government officials, tell us. Current and future economic outlook does not seem glowing either. However, the US economy and has been, and still is, the strongest and the best endowed in the world. It is undoubtedly capable of bouncing back and restoring a healthy growth rate.

Varjavand

 

 


Farhad Kashani

Mr. Varjavand, I’m from

by Farhad Kashani on

Mr. Varjavand, I’m from the middle class too and just like everyone else experiencing the same difficulties. However, it is the tone of this article and the overall will that illustrates the intent of exaggerating every shortcoming of the U.S that really has reached the point of twisting realities to bash the U.S, which is unacceptable to me.

 

What I really feel sorry for is the brainwashed college students who are sitting out there waiting for every opportunity to bash the U.S. The comment about “let me share this with my friends at many universities” is what I really feel sorry for.

 


IRANdokht

Dear Mr Varjavand

by IRANdokht on

Thanks for the laugh... although it's quite a painful subject for some of us

nice sense of humor

IRANdokht


varjavand

Yes, Mr. FK, as you guessed

by varjavand on

Yes, Mr. FK, as you guessed correctly, we and our co-conspirators, those members of middle class who spent their stimulus checks on food, utility bills, medicines, and fuel, hence stopped paying their mortgages, plan to bring down first the U. S. economic system and then the global capitalism. We launch our attack from this website with the support of the Salvation Army! and the patrons of the as is outlets and the soup chickens. I wish Dr. Milton Friedman, the champion of free-enterprise system, was alive to see the demise of capitalism and his laissez fair ideology.

 


Farhad Kashani

Leftist conspiracy

by Farhad Kashani on

Leftist conspiracy theorists who are "suspicious of data" are enjoying kicking the U.S economy when its experiencing some difficulties. And they're so joyfull that they wanna send it to other conspiracy theorist leftists among "friends and colleagues at many universities".

The U.S economy is the world's strongets economy and although experiencing some difficulties, it will (Actually is) bouncing back strong.

 


David ET

Hitting the fan!

by David ET on

msn today:

Credit analyst Brian Reynolds has sent clients a list of 60 major companies with bonds maturing over the next 12 months that trade with yields over 10% at a time when the federal funds rate is at 2%, adding in a note: "And these are just the bonds that have been able to trade!" The Merrill Lynch Corporate Master Index, which tracks the performance of investment-grade-rated corporate bonds, shows 72 of them trading in "distressed" condition, or more than 10 percentage points over Treasurys -- 28 of them issued by banks such as regional giants National City (NCC, news, CTRL + Click to follow link">msgs) and Washington Mutual. That means corporate bankruptcies are virtually inevitable over the next 18 months. Chris Whalen, the managing director of Institutional Risk Analytics, has told Dow Jones Newswires that he expects 110 banks with $850 billion in assets to fail by next July, which is eight times the Federal Deposit Insurance Corp.'s reserves. A spate of bankruptcies of this breadth is incompatible with a rising stock market even if the next president gets in front of the problem by creating a new government entity that buys failed banks, much like the Resolution Trust Corp., which closed 747 thrifts starting in 1989. So either the pessimistic credit guys and global-equity investors are terribly wrong right now, or the relatively optimistic U.S. equity investors are wrong. They can't both be right, as both depend on assessments of global earnings potential, with small variation for currency values.

 

Since credit has led the recent cycle down, and since the rest of the world's vote is overwhelming, I think we have to give a nod to the pessimists this time.


varjavand

Dear Shining Head; Thanks

by varjavand on

Dear Shining Head;

Thanks for your kind comment. I will be flattered if you forward it to your colleagues. Please do so with no hesitation.

 

Varjavand


Shining Head

Professor Varjavand, this is the greatest ..

by Shining Head on

with your permission I am going to email it to my friends and colleagues at many universities.

 

Regards.

A/B


varjavand

Thanks

by varjavand on

 

Dear Ms. Hojjat

 

Thanks for your thoughtful remarks,

Yes I am

 

Varjavand

 


Maryam Hojjat

Creative as usual!

by Maryam Hojjat on

Mr. Varjavand,

You creativity is impressive.  I enjoyed it.  Keep writing!

Are you an economist?