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Javadagha, were you serious?

Javadagha, you wrote:

I am an Iranian man. I laughed when I read Zan-Amerikai (sic) wrote in Persian. This is a major problem in our culture that (both men and women) lose their values as individuals and are willing to change color (nationalities) so easily.

So I am now writing:

What exactly did you mean? You laughed because I am not Iranian but I wrote in Persian (such as it was)? If that is funny, and somehow indicative to you that I have changed colors, lost values, and so on, then why on earth would YOU write in English? You mean to say you think that if people learn other languages and take on more cultural awareness and connection that this is detrimental to the self? Are you kidding? As for me, I speak several languages and was married to an Iranian for many years--doesn't it only make SENSE that I'd have this ability?

On the other hand, perhaps I have totally misunderstood your intent; in that case, I would ask you to clarify your position. And accept my apologies if I have misconstrued what you meant to be positive...let us know.

But let's assume that this interpretation is correct--that because I am "just" American, I have given up who I am by sharing Persian culture. I think anyone would have such an opinion hasn't done much internal growth, actually. Expanding one's self vs. stagnating with what you were born into? WOW, such a hard choice! (not)

I will let others get into this in more detail. It is a rich subject for discussion, and I could wax quite eloquent on the subject but will restrain myself.

As for the person who wonders if this is a made up story and says, "Basseh digeh, man raftam!" pass, boro digeh! Khodam midoonam keh dorosteh, midoonam keh Farifteh dooroogh nemigeh. If you haven't met any man like Farifteh's wonderful husband, BIDAR SHO! And do not get me started on the person who mused that maybe Farifteh had let herself go...and this was her darling husband trying to encourage her to look hot for him again. GAG ME. Just take a look around, see how few women and men are together because of LOOKS. There are plenty of fat and ugly couples who seem to be very happy with each other. Acceptance and Love take emotional depth. Some men, like Farifteh's husband and my ex, have it on the surface only, so people think they must be just like that to their wife and children. NOT SO. It is the wife and children who get the nasty side always. The public gets Mr. Wonderful. So it makes it doubly hard because everyone else knows him as THE MOST WONDERFUL MAN THEY EVER MET. OK next time he calls his wife "motherf**king b**ch" because she asked him a question about something normal, let's see how we can blame her for THAT, too.

With affection for Farifteh Khanoom...
The Ever-Expanding-Zan Amrikai! LONG LIVE FREEDOM FROM ABUSIVE PARTNERS!

p.s. No jokes about how maybe my ass is expanding too. Actually, since getting rid of my unfaithful, abusive husband, that looks better than evever!

This is no different than a

This is no different than a corporation laying off a loyal employee after 20 some years. My suggestion is that you do not settle for anything short of a golden handshake. Be fair. You both need to survive this.

Another view is that just as you gave this man the best years of your life, so did he. Let some young chick from Iran take care of his akh-o-tof years while you bask in the sun somewhere enjoying the 'severance package' with a young thing of your own.

Chin up. Onwards and upwards. Consider yourself lucky that he stuck it out with you through the child rearing days and did not bring home your havoo. At least he is giving you a heads up.

Love is not forever.

All is vanity

"And men aren't materialistic? Look at their watches and cars. Oh please...heck, look at the wives they choose!".

Men desire female beauty, and women desire mineral bling bling.

Can you take care of yourself?

You say you are educated and so on.  Do you have a skill?  Can you take care of yourself financially?  If so, then get yourself ready and be prepared.  Next time when you get into this kind of an argument tell him, ok let's talk about divorce.  Let's get this over with so you can get your younger woman and I can get some fresh air and have a life of my own.

Tell him to either put up or shut up.  You don't like, okay no problem, adios amigos!

Divorce him and start a new chapter in your life. What are you waiting for? another Christmas present? This sound like a mid-life crisis for a woman who can't make up her mind easily.  Men just say, okay senoritas time to go, nice knowing you and good luck.

Get a small place to live, throw out all the crap furniture and stuff and make it easy on yourself. 

What do you care about why Iranian men marry multiple wives or marry younger women? Is this news to you? Do your thing and don't worry about what other people do.

There are some out there!

Dear Farifteh,

Well, this may surprise you, but there are young Iranian men (like me, I'm 25), who are looking to have a relationship with an older Iranian lady. It is difficult for any young man to approach an older lady as they rarely believe that a younger man will fall for them. I have only been successful in having a brief relationship with an Iranian lady 15 years my senior. The relationship had to end as she had to go back to the US.

Why am I attracted to older Iranian ladies? They are much more mature, calm, less hypocritical, loving, less jealous and appreciate a 25 year old Iranian man much more than any of the Iranian women my own age. I don't think I'm attracted to older Iranian ladies, I'm attracted to the Iranian woman of these attributes, most of them being at an age of 40-45.

Next time your husband threatens you with marrying a 25 year old girl, just show him my post!

It Has Nothing To Do With Age

As a middle aged man who married while still in his teens, I am appalled by the situation Farifteh describes. Although, I realize that marriages do fall apart, and in some instances people who start out together very much in love later grow apart, I still have a hard time understanding the level of cruelty that a husband would have to stoop to in order to demean his wife in such a way.

While we have only gotten one side of the story, one would have to be dead not to feel the pain and anguish Farifteh writes about. If her husband does not love her, or can't control his primal instincts, he needs to let her go with compassion and dignity. To tell her that he going to replace her with a younger woman is no different than telling her he's going to throw out his old socks for a new pair.

This woman gave up the best years of her life with this man, and gave birth to his children. Even if he doesn't love her as a wife and companion, he should respect her as the mother of his children. How could any man treat his wife in such a way and then be able to look his children in the eye? This has nothing to do with age, but everything to do with a man of no substance.

Khanoom, no one can tell you what to do because none of us knows the intimate details of your life and your estrangement from your husband's affection. What I can tell you is if he is serious about wanting to go get a younger woman, he is no man. Yes, he may have a penis, but that alone is not the measure of manhood. Keeping one's faith with one's life partner, being a tower of strength to whom the whole family can turn, demonstrating a constant and unwavering depth of character...these are the qualities that make a man. Any male can hump a woman, but only a real man can love her, protect her and honor her throughout their life together.

If all you say is true, your man is NO man. Better to let him go find a young woman so that like a sleazy pedifile, he can satisfy his swarmy urgeswith someone as young as his daughter. You, my dear, are a lady. Hold your head high, and send this bum packing. It may be hard for you to consider this, but if you don't stand your ground now, he'll walk on you for the rest of your life. Just tell him good ridence to bad rubbish.

A Man

"Real love is a permanently

"Real love is a permanently self-enlarging experience. Falling in love is not!--M Scot

To All Iranian women: Please

To All Iranian women:

Please read Javadagaha's and anonymous2500's view of women. Before you get involved in a relationship or marriage please make certain that the partner you have chosen does not share their values and is part of human species not a lower order of hominids. Any woman with an ounce of self-respect will avoid the likes of J. and anonymous2500. Those women who choose to associate with guys like these two suffer from massive lack of self-esteem and self-respect.

We have men like sadchicagodad who just happens to be American and then we have these two (J and anonymous2500) who view women as an object of their hormonal release...These type of men will never experience the real love between a man and a woman and that is their worst punishment.

Email him photos too

Hey, if I were you, I would have sent pictures of Demi Moore, Madonna, Kim Cattrall, Maria Carry, .... with their much younger partners in reply to his email. Come on, you are saying you are attractive, educated, professiona, smart, sexy... don't just sit there, act like one! Don't worry, he won't go anywhere, if you stand up to him and act cool and in control. Go out with your friends, don't ever sit at home waiting for him, let him to come to an empty home.

I am right, yes....

Let me first agree with Javadagha's point of view. He has brought forth a personal experience that has exemplified the realities of divorce and the inherent advantages for women in the Anglo-U.S. legal systems.

Most horrifyingly is the loss of wealth which a man can, so to speak, be robbed of within a few weeks.

However, the bright-side of the this is exactly what ZaninCanada surmised. Women, biologically speaking, only have "one life cycle's" for reproduction. This is generally limited from their teens until about mid-thirties(13-33). This is hard factual reality.

Men, generally, on the other-hand, can reproduce and start parallel or subsequent families--multiple families, so to speak. This is also within the hardware of both sexes.

Socially and culturally and religiously women can pretend to be "equal" to men--perhaps even granted such a status by law--but honestly, they are not.

In almost all "poorer" societies and countries these realities are taken into cultural contexts,and the natural differences between the sexes are acknowledged by law. Therefore, in most societies in Latin America, Europe, Africa and Asia where economic disparities are severe enough, there are "sugardaddies" in great supplies.

Finally, seriously speaking, myself and most men, in this "day and age" really do NOT care if you don't wear the chador or don't clean sabzie! We always have the option to take the financial burdens of having children, as well as, move on to the next youngest girl if necessary to be happy.

Most, if not all women, can not be happy without a man or child in her life. That is a reality.

Must read book: Can Love

Must read book:

Can Love Last? The Fate of Romance Over Time by Stephen A. Mitchell (New York, NY: W.W. Norton)

Dear Farifteh: Could it that

Dear Farifteh: Could it that your husband simply wants you to lose a few pounds and take better care of yourself? If he really wanted to marry a younger wife, I don't think he would have told you. He is perhaps frustrated and resents the fact that you have let your self go in his eyes. Do you think you're overreacting a bit? I'm just trying to be the devil's advocate here and I have no intention of offending you.

Javadagha: I think you have made the right choice. Please don't ever get married and if possible stay away from women. You think women don't have "desire"? What is the difference between a man and an ape if they can't control their primal urges??? And No, not all men are like you and thank God for that.

I've become very much

I've become very much interested in this blog and in this subject and I think Javadagha has some interesting points but they don't apply in the situation of the contributor.

I personally think that marriage is an out dated concept and it is increasingly difficult to find good marriages that last. There are many reasons for this but some of them are the fact that we don't view land and property (which are very important issues if you read about the histroy of marriage and divorce) the way we once did. Similarily, religion, virginity, monogamy, reproduction, work and so on are not what they once were. Economics have changed. Culture has changed.

Where Javadagha starts to get selfish and unrealistic and veer off course is where he says "Men have paid extremely high price to have children. " I think everyone can agree that throughout history women have paid a very high price for having children as well. In fact, men who have the money, have disposed of their wives a lot easier than the other way around. But his view is understandable given what he has gone through.

And men aren't materialistic? Look at their watches and cars. Oh please...heck, look at the wives they choose!

But I agree with other comments. We have no clue what type of a wife this lady is. Maybe she is really hard to put up with. Maybe she has just driven her husband up the wall...who knows. I don't even think it's a true story.

Basseh dige man raftam. Bye

Men have paid a high price to remain in marriage

I am an Iranian man.  I laughed when I read Zan-Amerikai wrote in Persian.  This is a major problem in our culture that (both men and women) lose their values as individuals and are willing to change color (nationalities) so easily.

I wish we could read your husband’s views about you too.

I married late in life because of pursuing higher education and helping needy organizations.  I married from Iran; everything was going well when we lived there for one year.  I NEVER said one bad word to my ex-wife either in Iran or when we came to the US of A.  When we arrived she changed a lot, she abused me verbally.  Knowing American laws, I NEVER lost my cool.  I knew in American system it will go against me.  Later I learned that after arrival, she had sought the advice of a lawyer.

Women in general are materialistic individuals.  Take a look at their dress(ing) (cloth, shoes, etc.) 

My marriage lasted only two years after our arrival in the US of A.  I filed for divorce; she said she could not believe it.  She changed three lawyers because she was not getting what she was promised by her lawyers.  After all, there is a Judge who is going to force the laws on both sides. 

In my experience, if you seek a lawyer, you are asking for divorce.  I also went to therapy with her.  In my opinion, therapy is not a solution.  There are principles, or in your husband’s case desires which therapy cannot solve.  For example, I have principles that I put them over family and anything else except my country.  In other words, Iran comes first in anything that I have done in my life and I clearly and loudly mentioned them before marriage.  

God is fair for all the abuse that women have inflicted on men.  Men have paid extremely high price to have children. 

I left the US of A after my divorce.  I will never marry again if I am not going to have a child.  I am a happy person and easily meet many single women (divorced also included) who come across as desperate to marry.  For my proof, check out the singles sites to see how many women are looking for sugar daddy vs. men who want to have a zend-eghi. 

I travel and meet many people.  I am surprised that many American men are coming to Asia to marry (Chinese, Russians, Iranians, etc.).  There is definitely something wrong in American system that has caused this to happen.  Good luck.

Hate acts against Muslims

Hate acts against Muslims decline Washington Times

"Hate crimes" reported by Muslims have decreased significantly since the year of the September 11 terrorist attacks, according to the FBI, and harassment against Jews outnumber incidents against all other religious and ethnic groups.

Hate crimes and harassment against Jews far outnumber those against any other religion, including Muslims, according to new hate-crime statistics

Anti-Black 3,136
Anti-Jewish 1,027
Anti-White 1,008
Anti-Male Homosexual 881
Anti-Hispanic 770
Anti-Female Homosexual 192
Anti-Islamic 191

//www.fbi.gov/ucr/hc2006/table1.html

The question is why *YOU*

The question is why *YOU* love or care for an obviously unevolved, emotionally retarded, infantile "man" with no self-respect???

Does he realize not respecting you is tantmount to not respecting his children and ultimately not respecting himself? Did he ever learn the meaning of decency and acting like humans not animals?

You deserve much more and it's his loss. He doesn't deserve you and deep down he probably knows and that's precisely why he tries to sabotage his marriage. His emotional intelligence and intellectual age is probably the same as a young Iranian air head. He never grew up and is fixated on his adolescent years, which is an affliction gripping overwhelming majority of Iranian men who did not have a chance to date when they were younger.

People grow up and their needs are different at each stage of their lives. Those who have skiped one stage (i.e., adolescent) tend to want to go back to that stage in their later years; hence, the midlife crisis, the sports car, the need for a younger woman. They feel inadequate and they need to boost their egos with fancy cars or younger woman to hide their own anxieties about getting old and feeling unfulfilled in their lives.

This purely has to do with his psychological complexes and maladjustments. You certainly don't need to cope with it. If he think a younger woman will solve his insecurties and all of his unhappiness, then he really needs extensive therapy for he has not learned a damn thing in life...He is still a little boy inside and a very unwise one at that.

You need to re-evaluate your own issues and ask yourself why you're subjecting yourself to this kind of abuse from a man with so much void and emptiness in his life. He is too damaged and you can't be his therapist. You need to feel pity for him and his future younger wife...

Anonymous2500 Is absolutely

Anonymous2500 Is absolutely right...there's no reason to pretend. However, in this day and age, that rule applies to women too. That's right, we don't wear chador and clean sabzi all day anymore, we replace our men too....shocking isn't it????

The age factor

To tell it to you bluntly: no man is going to really tolerate a woman who is not either sexually attractive or just boring and not interesting anymore.

I doubt it has to do with being Iranian. This is cross-cultural and universal. It is a man's biological prerogative to reproduce and to seek out younger women.
Even in the so called, animal kingdom, men will always seek out happiness with a more pleasing and desirable mate.

These are just the facts.

A story has 2 sides

First of all, only so that you do not dismiss my opinion as a dehati/pastoo-neshin woman, I'm a well-read and well-traveled Tehran-born/raised woman who has lived out of Iran in different countries for so many years with marriage/divorce experience.

My dear a story has TWO sides. To get the right picture, your husband's account from this marriage should also be heard. You BOTH have played the marriage game along, each for your own reasons. You have, like many others stuck in an unhealthy relationship, an unhealthy marriage. Maybe now he is just tired of playing this draining game and wants to get out of it but doesn't know the right way of doing it. I give him a plus for not passively continuing this, without of course approving his ignorant and hurtful approach. My advice to you if I may? there is life after divorce, for both of you, and there is life beyond marriage and relationship. If he wishes to go, bless him and let him go out of your life. Maintain a friendly relationship with him, as father of your children, as you will have some encounters in future involving your kids. You have had marriage and motherhood,..etc experience. Get out of that unhealthy relationship as soon as you can and give yourself a chance to experience other ways of living. This might be a disguised blessing for both of you. Life is too short. What you have to fight for is not saving this unhealthy marriage, is not dragging him into courts for money or house .. etc, is not retaliating by telling him that you will also find a younger man for yourself, ...etc. What you need to fight for is saving your sanity and the remaining of your life. Fill it with new experiences, new people, new ideas and who knows?! you may find a man that you stay with just because of your love for him and not because of your insecurities.
I wish you and your husband all the best.

IF YOU ARE FINANCIALLY INDEPENDENT

LEAVE HIMMMMMMM!!!!!

Summary of all the comments..

Here is what I have learned from all the comments, and replies:

 -Iranian men are jerks in general.

-Iranian women are extremely materialistics.

-Young people both male and female would do anything to get out of Iran, if it means marrying someone like their grand dad or mom.

Only two or three posters have had a reasonable response. While the husband's methods are at the least objectionable, we don't know the whole story. A 20 year old relationship, and marriage can not be summed up by couple of paragraphs that is one sided to begin with. I am not defending the guy, again, how do we all know what is going on in that household?

Farifteh joon

Farifteh joon,

You must have friends "real girlfiends" around you who know both of you and your life in much more detail than us.

I agree with most comments here, (that your husband is behavibng like a nut case+++
-putting it politely- and you are somewhat insecure, but still think of the family and your kids etc) but what do your friend/s have to say about this whole thing?

The "real friend/s" around you who know both of you really well, what do they have to say?

My "real friends- just 2 of them " know my life inside out and 99% of the time they are right about what they say!

A different perspective...

Enough said about all the reasons, etc. So I add something new, I hope...

(1) Humans are biological beings shaped by chemical reactions in their brains, and easily subject to missing important points. Yes he worries about injustice to girls in iran & afghanistan, but he misses to connect that injustice with the injustice in his own home, the put-down that he perpetrates on his own wife that could be equally hurting. Similar to the case of one seeing the forest from the outside but not from within the forest. Maybe when he is hot on the subject of the injustice to iranian/afghan girls, you should flag the connection with the equally verbal hurting that he himself perpetrates on his wife. Believe me, it is very easy for one to fail to connect the dots, no matter how obvious.

(2) He equally misses the point that the relationship between man-and-wife must change into something other than biological needs after a few years. After all, no one loves his parents, for example, because they are young and beautiful, and no one thinks about getting new parents once they are old. If a similar concept does not develop between man-and-wife, turning them into equally caring friends, then the relationship is really frozen in time and has not moved beyond its initial attraction purely based on biological needs.

Some people can be well educated in math, science, etc., but remain socially dumb and un-intelligent, and therefore unable to socially mature. Different parts of brain have different and unrelated functions. One part can develop and the other parts can remain dormant or in a state of atrophy.

I wonder if you have talked to him in length, in a non-threatening manner in a time of calm between you, and made him aware of what is happening and what he is doing, intentionally or unintentionally. Specially connecting his action to the state of girls in iran/afghanistan, or if that is what he wishes for for his own daughter in the future.

While immigrant iranian men and women could be, generally speaking, quite confused and unable to bridge between their cultural background and norms of western life, thus the very high rate of divorce amongst them, there are men and women who seek a peaceful and friendly 'family' life -- they are called ahle zendegi -- although such men and women appear to be hard to come by these days, they do exist.

ZanAmrikai

Ghorbooneh dahanet

that's what I've been trying to say too

Your husband lacks

Your husband lacks self-esteem and self-respect and his values are screwed up. He does not understand the meaning of committment.

He views women as decorative sex objects. He thinks women are commodities and the highest bidder gets the best one. Let him marry one of those woman/commodities on the auction block.

His worst punishment would be to marry a gold digging younger woman who will make him feel old, insecure, and inadequate and will eventually takes off with his money and a younger man. It happens all the time to those who marry younger women from Iran.

What if one of his daughter's future husbands threatened his daughter with such a childish proposal? What would be his reaction if something like that happens in the future? How would we advise his daughter?

Joonam, goosh bedeh be in sedaha!

Dokhtarazizeman--
Goosh bedeh.
Taqsir-e to NIST.
Akhlagh-e shoharet IS HIS OWN CHARACTER.
NOT YOURS.
Bezar bereh Iran.
Bezar zan-e javoon begireh.
BEZAR!
Don't you DARE DARE DARE think that he is your f***ing last chance at HAPPINESS or I will kick your a**!
YOU ARE YOUR OWN CHANCE AT HAPPINESS.
YOU ARE WORTH MORE.
YOU ARE VALUABLE.
You are a WONDERFUL woman.
He is a jerk.
PERIOD.
Irrespective of cultural identity, he is just an abuser.
You and I both know why we took it so long; we loved our husbands. We both thought, "It must be ME--after all, everyone else thinks he is THE most wonderful man there ever could be."
THAT IS NORMAL (God help us!) ABUSED WOMAN THINKING.
People who have NOT been in abusive relationships DO NOT UNDERSTAND and they think, "Oh, maybe if you just ______ " it would not happen.
REMEMBER: It's like addiction. You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it.
All you can do is divorce the sh*thead.
Love,
ZanAmrikai

Its not too late ..

Salaam Farifteh,

Your husband's words are quite objectionable. The email stunt is simply atrocious. No man worthy of the name would ever treat his wife (20 years!) like that. Don't you deserve better?

//allforone.websitewizard.com/wolf

Sadistic outbursts are generally indicative of an under developed, insecure, male ego.

//www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xbt30UnzRWw

/& Salaam!

Change the paradigm

Tell him you don't care if he leaves you for a younger woman because you're planning on doing the same thing. Everyone knows women can go both ways and with the bad experience you've had, tell him you are going lezbo.
Of course, this isn't true, but who cares. If he threatens you, take away the excuse/reason for the threat.
Think outside the box!

AN EYE FOR AN EYE ?

I SAW IT WAS UNDER HUMORS, LET IT BE A TRUE STORY;( LET'S PLAY CHICKEN) DARE HIM TO GO AHEAD AND DO SO AND IF HE DOES BACK IN THE USA YOU ARE ENTITLE TO 1- DIVORCE 2-SUE FOR POLYGAMY 3-NOW BY LAW YOU ARE ENTITLE TO 50% OF ALL HIS ASSET BEFORE HE GOES TO JAIL FOR AT LEAST 5 YEARS FOR BREAKING THE AMERICAN MARRIAGE LAW. GOOD LUCK

Count your blessings that you are educated and working

Lesson to be learned for all those Iranian women who think the ticket to happiness is to marry a rich man and stay home.

Imagine if Farifteh (an educated, financially independent woman) feels devestated what such women would feel when this type of thing happens to them. They have no choice but to take it. At least Farifteh has an avenue out. She can divorce and move on. True, 1/2 of the assets is less than the whole but in a few years, she will completely adjust and be far happier than if she were to stay with her curent husband.

Also, to those women (who I see all around me)who think Botox, plastic surgery, exercise boot camps, and designer clothes and the like help maintain these husbands, you are wrong. All these men care for is the body and firmness of the young body.

Go out there, educate yourself, acquire a skill, work hard, and get a life of your own so you could have a choice like this lady if this were to happen to you!