FICTION

SZ writes: This is an old and somewhat crude translation of Sadegh Hedayat's never published "Karevan e Eslam" (Caravan of Islam) that I had saved. I don't know the translator. Just thought might be some use to iranian.com readers. See Persian text in full (PDF).

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The following is a translation of three letters written originally in Arabic by Sewer (al-Manjalab) Magazine correspondent who accompanied “the Islamic Mission” and wrote daily reports.

On the auspicious day of 25 of Shawwal (the tenth Muhammedan month, beginning with the feast of breaking the fast of Ramadan) of the year 1346, representatives of the Muslim nations were solemnly invited to participate in a conference in Samarrah, one of the prosperous cities of Arabia, in order to deliberate and consult about sending a team of missionaries to disseminate and promulgate the orthodox Islamic teachings throughout the world. Mr. Crown of the Orators (Taj ul-Mutakallimin) was the president, Mr. Nightingale of Islam (‘Andalib ul-Islam) the deputy, Mr.Helm of the Law (Sukkan u-ShShari’a) the consultant and accountant, and Mr. Chief of Commanders (Sunnat ul-Aqtab) the stenographer of the conference. Besides many distinguished scholars and leaders of the faith, the reverend representatives of ‘Adan, Ethiopia, Sudan, Zanzibar, and Muscat had also taken part at the conference. The present humble and blameworthy servant, al-Jirjis Yafith ibn Ishaq al-Yasu’I (the Jesuit) was present there, serving as the reporter and translator of the auspicious Magazine, The Sewer and was in charge of reporting all the events of that significant Mission so that they be reflected in the reports to be published in the noble Magazine and inform and enlighten all the Muslims of the transactions of the reverend missionaries of the manifest religion and the Islamic movement.

Thus Mr. Crown of the Orators inaugurated the conference: “It is evident to all the reverend sires and great scholars, the pious and the righteous, the bearers of the Muhammedan Law, that today, the manifest Islamic faith is the greatest and the most powerful faith throughout the world. One hundred and fifty million Muslims populate the world, from Hindukush mountains to the farthest lands of the limits of the world to the east (Jabulqa) and the west (Jabulsa), Zanzibar, Ethiopia, Sudan, Tripoli, and Andalusia, which are all civilized countries and are located in the fourth climate.

Mr. Nightingale of Islam: “I do beg your pardon, but according to the statistics calculated by my son, Mr. Helm of the Law, who despite his youth, has amassed great knowledge on all the narrated and ex-cogitated sciences and has spent three years in the lands of infidels and has composed a book entitled “The Essence of Impurities” (Zubdat al-Najasat), three hundred thousand millions of people utter “There is no God, but the One” (la ilaha illa lah).

Mr. Helm of the Law: “That is true.”

Mr.Crown of the Orators: “That is right. Your humble servant meant the same, and nothing lese. As the saying goes: Human being is subject to error and forgetfulness. Three hundred thousand million, or even more people are honored to be Muslims and according to Mr. Helm of the Law, Mr. Nightingale of Islam’s son, who has spent four years of his fruitful life in the land of the infidels and has amassed great knowledge of known and esoteric sciences and has composed a book entitled “The Essence of Impurities,” the inhabitants of the New World, from the third climate, have recently discovered the philosophy of Islam.”

Mr. Helm of the Law: “Yes, in toxicant beverages have been strictly forbidden in the New World. As a result of discussion, disputations, and debates, the philosophers and physicians of the New World have been unanimous with your humble servant that circumcision is very healthy; divorce and polygamy are very beneficial for melancholic and phlegmatic temperaments and believe that fasting clears the appetite. As far as your humble servant recalls, I have read in the commentary on “The Mirror of Error” that the above are very good for Dysentery and Blennorrhoea.

Mr. Crown of the Orators: “Therefore, it is evident that inhabitants of the New World have also converted to Islam or the light of truth shimmers from their cheeks. In this case, the only remaining place is the land of Franks (Europe), the hearts of whose inhabitants are darker than the Black Stone mounted on the Ka’ba. For the same reason, your humble servant believes that it is the duty of the scholars and the protectors of the foundation of the Divine Law to elect missionaries from amongst themselves and send them to the lands of infidels so that they drive them out of the darkness of ignorance and lead them to the Path of Truth and eradicate infidelity and unbelief.” (clapping of the audience)

Mr. Pillar of Islam (‘Amud ul-Islam): “It is a great idea, but I believe it would be better to conciliate the divine favor by looking in the Koran.”

Mr. Sufficient Nourishment (to keep body and sould together, qut-e la yamut), the reverend representative of Unayza Arabs said: “Let us call this caravan ‘The Islamic Crusade’ (al-Jihad ul-Islamiyya) and behead the infidel males and divide the shares of their women and camels amongst the Muslims.”

Shaykh Father of Raggs (Abu’l-Mundaris), the Muscat representative, while scratching himself under his garment, said: “Bravo! That is great!”

Mr.Tabunana, the reverend representative from Zanzibar arose naked, leaned on his spear and said: “Human flesh very delicious. European white. I eats two men daily.”

Mr. Crown of the Orators said: “Of course. Undoubtedly, if they do not convert to Islam, we shall eradicate them all. Therefore, there is no opposition against the main issue of dispatching a team of scholars, as missionaries, to the land of infidels?”

Mr. Nightingale of Islam: “May God forbid! Whoever entertains any doubts, it would be unlawful to keep his wife at home and his blood has to be shed! It is the duty of each and every Muslim to command the infidels to do good and prohibit them from doing evil, but your humble servant believes that the most important issue is to find the source of funding for this mission.”

Mr. Crown of the Orators: “It is more evident and manifest than the sun to the reverend sires and the distinguished scholars that the Islamic nations shall have to pay dearly in the beginning, and the expenses shall be covered by endowments; besides, the Islamic nations shall support the mission depending on their financial means, but we may consider the fact that, in future, we shall be able to levy taxes on the infidels.

Abu ‘Ubayd ‘As’as ibn al-Nasur, the representative from Barahut Desert said that the infidels would have to pay tributes and poll taxes.

Mr. Chief of Commanders said: “Therefore, God has created the world merely for the sake of five people and one out of the five fingers of the hand of each individual belongs to the descendents of the Prophet. As I am one of his descendants, one fifth of it belongs to me.”

Mr. Nightingale of Islam: “As my son, Mr. Helm of the Law, who despite his youth has amassed great knowledge of all the narrated and excogitated sciences, has spent five years in the lands of infidels, and has composed a book entitled “The Essence of Impurities” which is the foundation of Islamic Law- was saying, the inhabitants of the New World, from the seventh climate, make a lot money.”

Mr. Helm of the Law: “There are many wealthy people in the New World, from the twelfth climate, and each of them who converts to the Islamic faith, undoubtedly has to go on pilgrimage to Mecca. Therefore, it would be possible to keep some bandits and highwaymen on their way to Mecca to rob them and at the same time, some functionaries may be assigned there to infest them with lice, so that for the blood money of each and every louse which they kill on the Festival of Sacrifices at Mecca (‘Id ul-Adha) have to sacrifice one sheep. Of course, it would be recommended to kill tow sheep, as at any rate, they are new converts and their people have been Cross worshippers. Those who do not convert, shall have to pay the tribute as well as the poll-tax; otherwise, it would be lawful to confiscate their property, they shall not be able to keep their women al home and their blood should be shed.” (clapping of the audience)

Mr. Sufficient Nourishment: “Instead of receiving cash, we shall accept lizards, and rats.”

Mr. Crown of the Orators: “No doubt. Therefore, there is no opposition against covering the expenses of the Mission from endowments. But, we have to know if some land has been specified for the Mission, in the lands of the infidels which has been acquired by paying lawful funds and the place should not have been seized unlawfully either.”

Mr. Nightingale of Islam: “Your humble servant has for long been involved in diligent inquiry, investigation, and research, especially my son, Mr. Helm of the Law – who has amassed great knowledge of the narrated and excogitated sciences and has composed a book on the devours of using the washroom and purification entitled “The Essence of Impurities” which is the foundation of the Islamic Law and has spent six years of his noble life in the lands of the infidels – said the city of al-Bars (Paris).

Mr. Helm of the Law: “Yes. In the city of al-Baris in the lands of the Franks (Europe), there is a place called ‘The Household of Light’ (Al-e Ziya’, Alesia). Apparently this Ziya’ was a grandson of the paternal aunt of Muslim ibn ‘Aqil whom was persecuted by an infidel named Sinan ibn Anas. The infidel cut the sinews of the hind legs of Muslim’s camel. The innocent man fled to the lands of the Franks and it is very probable that that place has been named in the name of that saint. Your humble servant has come across the same subject in the book entitled “Strangulation of the Martyrs” (Ikhtinaq al-Shuhada’). Of course, serious measures should be taken to seize the tomb of that martyr –who has nestled in paradise- from the hands of the infidels and turn it into the residence of this Mission, which is a very proper thing to do.

Shaykh Proboscis the Fearful (Khurtum ul-Kha’if), the representative of Wahhabis said: “I object to constructing buildings. As our ancestors lived in black tents feeding on lizards and camel milk, all Muslims should do the same.”

Mr. Nightingale of Islam: “As it has been said in the Prophetic tradition ‘Dissimulation is my religion, as it is that of my forefathers’ firstly we have to dissimulate in order to dominate the infidels.”

Mr. Chief of the Commanders: “In this case, according to the Koranic verse ‘Those who shook their rumps found salvation,’ it is lawful to dance, as God Almighty himself says that there are many benefits in shaking one’s rumps. Apart from that, may the infidels lose their sights, Islam is a modernist religion. Did not the Prophet himself trot around the Black Stone mounted on the Ka’ba 1300 hundred years ago as pilgrims do the same today?

Mr. Nightingale of Islam: “Of course, these all depend on circumstances. Let us see what the Islamic Mission deems fit and appropriate. For the time being, such discussions are irrelevant. It would be better if Mr. Crown recite the manifesto of the Mission.

Mr. Crown of the Orators: “The reverend sires, great scholars, and all the peoples of the world from China and the lands of Gog and Magog as far as the farthest limits of the east and west which are populated by a monstrous race of men who have only one leg and one arm and move by leaping (nasnas) and they all speak Arabic eloquently, are all fully aware that our divine Book includes all the mundane and otherworldly knowledge whose every single word has one hundred thousand meanings. Mr. Chief of the Commands: “As the invention of such automobiles has been a blessing of this manifest Book, the Koran.”

Mr. Crown of the Orators: “Yes, besides philosophies and wisdom and preaches and technologies and other types of knowledge, it should be known that the Book of us, Muslims, includes practical teachings and precepts and hereby, we should show its superiority to the infidels.”

Mr. Nightingale of Islam: “Please let me expound. What we mean is the necessity of having a teacher of Islamic practice, as the Europeanized put it a ‘brofesor’ (professor) to demonstrate to the new converts the legal issues and basics such as: purification, menstruation, ablution after intercourse or wet creams, doubts, inadvertencies, things and acts which invalidate prayers and the like, requisites, prerequisites, conjunctions, proximities, emitting blood (of women) at an undue time (extreme, slight, and moderate) and especially the devoirs of purification and make the infidels fully understand them.”

Mr. Crown of the Orators: “That is true. As it would take very long to give a detailed account of the duties and operations of the Mission, it would suffice to mention a few points to enlighten the distinguished sires on the extent of complexity and intricacy of the duties of the Mission.

Firstly: Making it necessary to learn the eloquent Arabic speech and its grammar to the extent that the infidels be able to recite the Koran observing all the rules required including the rules of separating and enjoining the sounds as well as those governing the correct use of punctuation. Of course, it would be all right if they do not understand the meanings of the words. It would be even preferable if they do not understand them.

Secondly: Ruining of the buildings of the infidels, as their buildings are very tall and they have several stories and lack walls, so that strangers may look at indecent women, which is considered as infidelity and unbelief. As per Islamic law, the rooms should be built short and of clay. It would be better as this world is but merely a worthless passage and one should not attach oneself to it. It shall be incumbent upon the Mission to ruin all theatres, museums, movies, churches, schools and so on.”

Shaykh Proboscis the Fearful: “Hear! Hear!”

Mr. Helm of the law: “Of course, it should be according to the text of the Koran, its verses, and Prophetic traditions. I personally believe that one of them should be kept intact as a sample so that we may demonstrate the extent of their deviation from the path of guidance. In case there would be enough funding, I shall be willing o serve as the custodian of one of the movie theatres called ‘Folie Berg re’ to engage myself in prayers and promulgation of Islamic teachings.”

Mr. Nightingale of Islam: “Certainly, certainly, that would be best.”

Mr. Crown of the Orators: “Thirdly, it would be incumbent upon the Mission to build bathrooms and toilets according to the Islamic law, as mentioned in “The Essence of Impurities.” Certainly, it would be recommended to see the faeces themselves; and as the infidels are unaware of the rules of purification and – we seek refuge in God – they clean themselves with paper, your humble servant believes that we had better send them some copper water pots so that some Islamic nations goods may also be exported.

Fourthly: Digging canals along the streets and flowing water in them so that all the Muslims may have access to water and be able to wash themselves whenever needed.

Fifthly: Observing the rules of washing corpses and interring them, mourning for the deceased, feeding guests at funeral ceremonies, preaching, constructing mosques, holy shrines, and places of holding religious ceremonies such as breast beating and self flagellation on the anniversary of the third Shiite Imam’s martyrdom, vowing, giving presents in the memory of Imams, sacrifice, pilgrimage to Mecca, giving alms, taking a fifth of property by way of tax, settlement of some mendicants from Samarra in the lands of the infidels to teach them the proper way of begging. As you know, Islam is the religion of poverty and humility; it is for the other world.

Sixthly: Certainly, it is disapproved by the Islamic law to wear tight shoes and clothes while performing the prayers and other religious duties. Any Muslim should wear proper clothes and have access to the means of purification and prayers at all times. Therefore, it is incumbent upon all Muslims to wear shoes with wooden soles and garments with loose sleeves. The best garments for men are pajamas and cloaks which comply with the philosophy of the Islamic law.”

Mr. Helm of the Law: “It is certainly recommended to war cloaks. Your humble servant recalls to have read in “The History of Cloaks” by the Genius of the World and the Scissors of the Running Sores that Arabs, at the time of campaigning against the Roman lands, were wearing camel hides but as soon as they entered the barns of the Romans, they found many sacks stuffed with straw and barley. As they were very hungry, they cut open the bottom of the sacks and happily began eating their fills. When they reached the top of the sacks, they cut the top parts open for their heads and hands and wore them. Since that time, it was common to wear cloaks.”

Shaykh Alligator, son the Ape: “As I am composing a book entitled ‘Vestiges of Islam on the River Banks’ in which I shall elaborate on the merits of camel milk, lizard kebabs, and dates, please allow me to make mention of it which would be a very worthwhile evidence.”

Crown of the Orators: “But seventhly, the women of the infidels dance with men and touch them in public as they are indecent. Certainly, they have to be covered by veils, so that they may not involve men in troubles with their Satanic temptations. Their corruption and immoral acts stem from the fact that polygamy and temporary marriage are not common among them nor is the practice by which a man may make a marriage lawful by marrying a thrice divorced woman and dismissing her after consummation, so that she may lawfully return to her former husband. Such infidels are so poor and hungry that they eat lobsters, frogs, and swine and while cutting the throats of these animals do not utter the ‘In the name of God’ formula. Thus we may notice their extent of aberration form the true path.

Tenthly: playing and amusement, painting and music are so popular and highly valued in the lands of the infidels. It is certainly incumbent upon the Muslims to break their musical instruments and instead, dispatch preachers and religious encomiast to guide them to the right path. All paintings should be burned and all the statues should be broken, as the prophet Abraham did the same to the people of Lot. Certainly, if valuables be found there they shall belong to the treasury of the Muslims. It is evident that the mentality of the infidels is set on mundane affairs. Therefore, we should preach them on the world to come, the immense pressure of tomb stones on the chests of the deceased, the tow angels examining the spirits of the departed in the toms, the infernal conflagration and serpents, the day which is as long as fifty thousand years, the four eyed canine in Hell, the advent of the donkey of the Antichrist, fate and predestination and the philosophy of Islam. It is also necessary to explain the virtues and merits of paradise and the other worldly reward and enlighten the infidels that in the next world a virgin (houri) will be given to the Muslim man and a handsome young man will be given to the Muslim woman. If the departed happen to be righteous, their reward shall be seven thousand camels and a palace of emerald which has seven thousand chambers. Three are angels whose heads lie in the West and their feet are in the East. Besides, your humble servant believes that smoking a little bit of opium would be recommended as the infidels would have a better understanding of the otherworld and dooms Day.”

Mr. Helm of the Law: “Your humble servant believes that all these explanations are redundant. As you said that we would show the infidels the right path would include them all.”

Crown of the Orators: “What your humble servant meant was to show the extent of the aberration of the cross worshippers and also the difficulties that the Islamic missionaries shall encounter. For instance, some people might not be Muslim, such as the Jews, but their religious practices are so similar to those of Muslims that when they convert to Islam, they are even already circumcised and believe in the immense pressure of the tomb stone on the chests of the departed and also in the tow angels examining the spirits of the deceased and similar religious concepts. Some of the infidels are people of the Book, but the infidels of Europe who are erroneously believed to be cross worshippers, do not believe in anything and are to be reckoned among the infidels who re at war with Muslims and we have to either preach all these issues to them or eradicate them, so that all the people of the world would be Muslims and God’s confidential servants.”

Crown of Islam: “It should not be forgotten that the new converts should be thanked and encouraged by presents and gifts given to them by the chief, such as: consecrated shrouds, prayer mats, rosaries, talismans, prayers repelling scorpions, prayers wading off ill-timed occurrences, talismans of happiness, rings with Koranic inscriptions, sandals and water-pots with spouts used for purification after the call of nature, which at the same time serve a double purpose of performing religious duties. I especially suggest that a copy of the book entitled ‘The Essence of Impurities’ written by my son, the great Helm of the Law, who has spent seven years of his noble life amongst the infidels and ahs amassed great knowledge of the known, esoteric, narrated, and ex-cogitated sciences, be awarded to any diligent and dutiful convert.”

The Fellow of the Kitchen Garden: “Let us burn the libraries of the infidels and instead give them a copy of “The Essence of Impurities” which shall be sufficient for them as it embodies all the mundane and otherworldly sciences.”

The Catapult of the Scholars: “Certainly. Most assuredly. “The Essence of Impurities’ would suffice. The synopsis of the Islamic faith is this: either convert to Islam, i.e. act upon the clear text of ‘The Essence of Impurities” or we shall massacre you, or pay tribute to the treasury of the Muslims. There is no doubt that the infidels have to pay tribute to Muslims for wearing mustaches.” (Clapping of the audience)

Crown of the Orators: “Therefore, we have unanimously decided to dispatch the Mission to the land of the infidels and there is no opposition against this decision. But, your humble servant believes that it is necessary to act according to the Prophetic practice, as the Prophet himself valued his own household, clan, and offspring and appointed his own grandsons to the leadership of the Islamic community prior to their births and considered his own clan as lords and required all the Muslims to hold them in respect. As the expenses of the Mission are to be covered by the endowments, all the members elect should be from amongst the scholars and the descendants of the Prophet.

Nightingale of Islam: “True. There is certainly no one worthier and more distinguished than Mr. Crown. Therefore, we appoint him as the head of the Mission.”

Helm of the Law: “I would like to congratulate from the bottom of my heart all the Muslim men and women on this auspicious appointment.”

Chief of the Commands: “It certainly could not be better than this.”

Crown of the Orators: “Your humble servant is short of words at expressing the good intentions and favors of the gentlemen representing the Islamic nations. But Mr. Nightingale of Islam is one of the masters of the Islamic law and his noble accompaniment in such crusade would certainly be necessary. I suggest that he be elected as the deputy and his noble son, Mr. Helm of the Law – who has spent nine years of his noble life in the lands of the infidels and has amassed great knowledge of the known and esoteric sciences and has composed an invaluable book entitled ‘The Essence of Impurities’ and the same fact would best represent his virtues and good qualities as I have already mentioned them. He is also quite fluent in languages such as Arabic, Coptic, Syriac, Berber, Algerian, Palestinian, Baghdadian, and Basrian. He is requested to do us a favor and kindly accept to be the accountant and the translator of the Mission. It is quite clear that accepting such responsibility shall merely lead to rewards in the next world and bears no mundane remuneration whatsoever.”

Helm of the Law: “Indeed I do not know how to express my gratitude for Mr. Crown’s good intentions. Of course, if it had not been for his noble intentions and the otherworldly rewards, I would not have accepted such responsibility.” (Continuous clapping of the audience.)

Nightingale of Islam: “I am very impressed by the favors of Mr. Crown and all the reverend representatives of the Muslim nations. But please allow me to recommend Mr. Chief of the Commands to be appointed as the professor of Islamic law and practice, as we shall need an experienced waiter at baths to circumcise the infidels. He is my cousin and circumcises most of the infidels converting to Islam. Besides, he has, at several occasions, married the thrice divorced women and dismissed them after consummation, so that they may lawfully return to their former husbands. Besides, he is an expert in entertaining public assemblies and preaching and sermonizing. He can even hold a deadly scorpion on his palm and God has not created any one better than him to sell prayer formulae to ward off ill-timed occurrences. Last but not least, he is well versed in mundane and other worldly knowledge.”

Crown of the Orators: “Certainly. What could be better than that? It is evident that we are a team of missionaries who have preferred the good of the Muslims over our lives. We assume the responsibility of such perilous assignment and welcome the unexpected for the sake of divine reward in the world to come.” (Clapping of the audience)

Then the president took out from his pocket, a proces-verbal which had been already written, and passed it to the representatives to be signed and approved. The contents are as follow: “On the auspicious day of 25 Shawwal of the year 1346 A.H., in the prosperous city of Samarra in Arabia, a meeting was held at which knowledgeable and distinguished scholars and the representatives of the friendly Islamic nations decided and approved that the following distinguished and reverend sires be dispatched to Europe in order to promulgate the Islamic faith and convert the infidels to the orthodox religion of Islam: Mr. Crown of the Orators as the president, Mr. Nightingale of Islam as deputy and secretary, Mr. Helm of the Law as accountant and translator, and Mr. Chief of the Commands as the teacher of Islamic law and practice. Presently, the sum of one hundred million English pounds has been allocated from endowments and it was approved that the above-mentioned gentlemen may spend the sum of funding as they deem fit and appropriate.”

Mr. Crown suggested that the present representatives drink sherbet to their own health, but he representative of the Arabs of Unayza requested camel milk and the sheep skin carrying the milk passed jubilantly amongst the representatives. Afterwards, all the reverend representatives of Islamic nations put their fingers in the ink and printed the paper and the conference happily came to its end.

Samarra, 25 Shawwal 1346

Al-Jirjis Yafith ibn Ishaq al-HYasu’i

The Oriental Exhibition

Today, a thunderous voice waked me up. I noticed that the companions of our car are terrified and looking at Mr. Chief of the Commands. Having opened the window of the train car and in pajamas and a shirt, Mr. Chief had put his chin on his hand looking at the forest and singing in an ugly voice. When he saw me, he laughed and said: “My voice was better than this. I married another woman and my first wife bore a grudge against me and poisoned me. My voice became coarse. May her soul rest in peace! She passed away last year.”

I said: “Is it not indecent of you to sing in the presence of the infidels in such age (lit. with such beard and mustaches) ?”

-“Do you mean my gray hair? It is due to anxiety and defluxion of humors.”

At last I could make him understand the situation and he put on his clothes, as we were supposed to arrive in Berlin in an hour. Chief of the Commands asked me to the take him to the market as soon as we reach Berlin so that he could buy a squirrel to send it as a souvenir to his daughter, Sakina. Then we went to Mr. Helm of the Law who was sitting in another car with his shirt unbuttoned on the chest, with his shaved head and hairy chest, smoking Abdullah cigarettes and puffing the smoke onto the face of a Polish Jewish old woman. Helm of the Law was communicating with the woman with mimic gestures and they were both laughing. He was so busy with his mimic gestures that he did not notice us. We did not disturb them and went to Mr. Crown and Mr. Nightingale, as Mr. Crown said last night that he felt unwell. The train was moving very fast through the forest. We walked gingerly through the slippery corridor. Mr. Crown and Mr. Nightingale had shut the doors of their car so that the breath of the infidels may not penetrate through the door. This car was chartered dearly for the heads of the Islamic Mission to avoid contact with the infidels. As we entered, we noticed that Mr. Nightingale, dying for a puff of opium, had wrapped a white cloth around his head, reciting Koranic verses and blowing around himself. With each jostle of the train, his soul was about to separate form his body. He was afraid that the infidels might have known that some Muslims are on the train and might, out of mischief, bust the train or derail it so that the Muslims may perish. Upon seeing me, his face beamed and he said:

“May I become your sacrifice! I do beseech you. We are in an alien land, lest the infidels poison us? I recited Koranic verses all night to protect us against the evils of the infidels.”

Mr. Crown, in pajamas and night cap, was blowing at the tin samovar in which he was boiling bugloss (ox tongue), asked us:

“Where is Mr. Helm of the Law?”

Chief said: “He is trying to convert an infidel wretch of a woman into the orthodox Islamic faith.”

Crown: “Well done! He is a noble man! Well, how far is it to our destination?”

Chief: “We will arrive in Berlin in half an hour. We must make our suitcases handy and dress. Here we are in Europe, after all.”

Nightingale of Islam: “You said Berlin? I have come across the name of this city in the book “The Dangerous and Dreadful Places.” The author was an expert and wrote an account of the city. I can recall the account quite well: the original name of the city was ‘al-Barlalelin’ meaning ‘causing smoothness.’ As the pronunciation of ‘I’ before the ‘y’ sound was difficult, it was left out. ‘al’ preceding ‘bar’ was also deleted as it was a proper noun and became Barlin. As the name was in common usage, it became Berlin. Certainly, the inhabitants of the city are Arabs and they were Muslims. Most of the inhabitants suffer from diarrhea.”

Crown: “Arabic language is indeed all logic. Your humble servant believes that upon arrival, we must convert some one to Islam and send a telegram to all the Muslim lands from Hindukush mountains as far as the farthest lands of the world to the East and West and Waqwaq Island, Zanzibar, Ethiopia, Sudan and all the Islamic lands.”

Nightingale: “If we reach there in one piece.”

Crown: “May God curse their fathers! Honestly, which one is better, donkey or this which I do not know how to call it? It’s all water and fire, whistles, makes noise and smoke and takes our lives three hundred times before reaching the destination. This is the donkey of Antichrist. My father, may his soul rest in peace, traveled all the way from Samarra to Khaneqin on a feeble donkey. Though he was robbed six times on the way, but he reached khaneqin in one piece. Here, we fear for our lives.”

Nightingale: “Have they put the boxes of water pots with sprouts and the sandals in a safe place away from the moisture of the infidels?”

Chief: “As it is mentioned in the text of the truly prophetic tradition: ‘The dry with the dry may not stick together.’”

Nightingale: “I have made a vow that if we reach our destination in one piece, upon arrival I will sacrifice a sheep with my own hands and give it to the poor. Mr. Chief, please be careful that they do not sell us a swine instead of a sheep, as the infidels may do any evil.”

Crown: “I am unclean all over. My cloak is unclean. I will bathe upon arrival.”

Nightingale: “By the way, Mr. Crown, you were here to see me last night? I was so ashamed. I thought the infidels were here to put us to shame.”

Crown: “I saw Ahmad’s mother (i.e. my wife) in my dream last night. It’s been the first time in my life that I’ve been without a woman for a week. Indeed, we are doing the greater crusade. We are risking our lives for the manifest [Islamic] faith. We’ve put our lives at stake for Islam and have been martyred! (Mr. Jirjis, please make a note of this for the Sewer magazine) if I die, bury me in Al-i Ziya’ in the city of al-Baris and call my tomb ‘Al Taj Shrine that it may become the holy shrine of the Muslims. Indeed, what a reward may be granted to us in the other world to compensate our damages and troubles! I assume that if each of us marry three women temporarily upon our arrival, it will take away the fatigue and troubles of our journey.”

Nightingale: “last night I saw in my dream that a distinguished and noble descendant of the prophet, with a saintly halo, with garments as green as myrtle, green pajamas and underwear, green tobacco bag, green cotton shoes, and green mustaches took my hand in his green blessed hands and took me to a garden full of wild animals and birds, grazing animals, birds, reptiles, and running animals. When I woke up, the fragrance of perfume and musk make me unconscious.”

Crown: “That’s surprising! Upon our arrival, I’ll look into the Interpretation of dreams by the prophets Daniel and Joseph.”

At the same time, Mr. Helm of the Law entered and said: “Here’s not Arabia. We mustn’t deceive ourselves. You made us so distracted that you didn’t let us eat our fill. I have three cans of meat. As I’ve heard, Muslims make them.”

Chief: “It would be highly recommended not to eat it. I won’t taste it. If a wine drop trickle into the sea and that sea be filled with earth, so that a hill be formed there and grass grow on that hill and a cattle of sheep pass there and graze, I shall not eat their meat.”

Nightingale: “Nothing to worry about. As soon as we arrive in the city of al-Baralalin, we’ll make a big pot of vegetable soup and will eat our fill.” Then, we could see the city from afar! Tall buildings, gardens, street cars and people were in sight. All passengers were preparing their luggage to leave. Some were embarking and some were disembarking the train. Finally, the members of the Islamic mission paid dearly for breaking three windows, cooking inside their car, burning the seats etc and got off at Friedrich Strasse Station. Then, we received the four boxes of sandals and water pots for purification after paying dearly for the customs. A list of hotels in Berlin was read to Mr. Crown and he chose “Hermes Hotel” as he had seen the name of Hermes of the Hermeses in the book entitled “The Ancient Heretics” and considered it to be closer to Hebrews and Arabs. I also rented a room in the same hotel in order to obtain first hand information to write my reports about the mission. Mr. Helm of the law asked Mr. Crown and Mr. Nightingale to sign the money order so that he may withdraw some money for their stay in Berlin. Mr. Crown, with the aid of the interpreter, asked the hotel manager whether the premises were seized illegally. When he was assured that it was not, he ordered that a hot bath be prepared for him. Meanwhile, he reminded the missionaries that as they represented the Islamic faith, they had to serve as models for the infidels, i.e. they should not use the water inside the hotel, but merely use the water from the river passing close by for drinking, preparing food, ablution before the prayers and bathing. Although the sewage and garbage of the city were cast into the river, but as the water was flowing, it was considered to be pure according to the Islamic law.

Mr. Crown went to the bathroom with Mr. Chief, as the latter was an unrivaled expert in the art of barbers and waiting at baths. Each of the gentlemen occupied a room and decorated it according to his taste. They pushed the carpets and beds to the corner and instead put rough woolen blankets on the floor and put their prayer mats and water pots (used for purification) on the poorly blankets.

In less than half an hour, there was a strange disturbance at the hotel. Agitated, the hotel manager called us saying that since the time Mr. Crown went to bath, water has been leaking in the third and the second floors and all the occupants have been complaining. We all went and opened the bathroom door. Mr. Crown was sitting on the floor with his head, beard and nails dyed in henna; Mr. Chief was massaging him and water was overflowing from the broken water tap into the tub and was splashing on the floor. First Mr. Crown loudly protested why an infidel had seen his hairy body, then said: “Look at the defective baths of the infidels! There is no place to undress and certainly a water reservoir in it measuring three and half cubic spans of nine inches each! My body is quite filthy all over. When Mr. Crown got out of the bath groaning and lamenting, the manager brought an invoice in the amount of eight hundred marks for the damages incurred to the bath. Mr. Crown was very angry and offended by this, especially Mr. Helm of the Law had not returned from the bank and it was said that he was seen in a barber shop in European dress shaving his beard and he was later on seen with the same Polish old woman on the train in different cafes of the city.

Mr. Crown said: “If any one of us betrays us, he will be persecuted and arrested by the bolice ( police), will not only be blackened in the face in the Hell accompanying the murderer of the third Shiite Imam and ‘Umar b. Khattab (the second Sunni Caliph who did not yield the leadership of the Islamic community to Ali, the son-in-law of the prophet whom according to Shiite beliefs was elected by the prophet to the leadership of the Islamic community after his death), but also will be hanged by all the Muslims, who number more than four hundred thousand million utter the ‘There is no God but One’ formula throughout the Islamic world from the Hindukush mountains to the farthest limits in the East and West as well as Zanzibar and Ethiopia.”

The reverend missionaries had no other choice but to eat the rancid cheese, stale bread and onions which they had brought from the Islamic lands.

On my way from the restaurant, I bought a newspaper with the headline: “Dear Guests Arrive: A troupe of rich oriental artists arrive in Berlin today.” When I entered the hotel, I saw that each of the reverend missionaries was asking others what would happen to them as they did not know anyone in the city to help them until they receive financial aid from Islamic lands. Mr. Crown said: “It never crossed my mind that Mr. Helm of the Law, the author of the book entitled ‘The Essence of Impurities’ who despite his youth has amassed great knowledge of the known and esoteric sciences and has spent ten years of his noble life in religious discussions and disputations in the lands of the infidels, may commit such improper acts. Perhaps the infidels have caused him some harm. In this case, we shall declare crusade. It is also possible that he is converting that feeble minded infidel woman into the Islamic faith.

Nightingale of Islam: “I have a headache. Let’s take our tin samovar and find a pleasant place, make cup of tea there, drink tea and sightsee the city.”

Mr. Nightingale’s proposal won the vote of the majority, but Mr. Crown said that it was advisable that he stayed at the hotel and keep an eye on their belongings so that the infidels may not touch them. As the three of us left the hotel, a large crowd came to watch us and their number increased in Friedrich Strasse and Unter den linden and we did to find the chance to make some tea. Young women came forward smilingly with bare arms and breasts. Mr. Nightingale put his cloak on is turban, closed his eyes, and recited prayers requesting deliverance and warding off evil.

Two women with decorated hats came to Mr. Nightingale with an interpreter, asked for permission and their interpreter said: “We are very honored that a troupe of famous oriental artists have come to visit our capital city. We take the opportunity to welcome them. As you know, the UFA Film Company, which is one of the greatest companies of the world, intends to make movies on ‘Amir Arsalan’, ‘Husayn Kurd’, and ‘The Biography of Antara’ (all popular mediocre folk tales). The president of the company takes the opportunity to welcome the dear guests and request them to play in the afore-mentioned movies. He will expect to meet his dear colleagues tomorrow at ten at his office to discuss the contracts.”

Mr. Chief: “Dear sir! Please tell your master that I am a professional actor and have played the role of the dead in passion plays. When I was lying down on the door carried around, the whole world thought that I was dead.”

Mr. Nightingale: “What is he talking about? Do the infidels want to convert to the Islamic faith?”

The interpreter: “No sir! The UFA Company invites you [to play roles in the films].”

Nightingale: “I believe there’s some funeral session or somebody’s dead.”

The interpreter: “As the remarks of your honor is not clear to us, we had better meet your honor tomorrow at the hotel.”

As they departed, the envoy of the famous “Busch Circus” stepped forward, but as he had no interpreter, he could not communicate with the gentlemen. He also got the address of the hotel to return tomorrow to negotiate.

Some famous photographers took our photos in different poses. Many men and women circled around us requesting us to put our autographs on our own postcards, but were surprised at us who did not know their language. Mr. Chief took the opportunity to flirt with girls and chose two of them out of the promised three for temporary marriage. When we returned to the hotel fatigued, we saw a large crowd of police, newspaper reporters and other people around. First we inquired about Mr. Helm of the law. The hotel manager told us that according to the police, he had gone by plane, but something worse happened. When we entered Mr. Crown’s room, we saw that he had been unconscious beside the opium joystick on the brazier, as three police officers were searching his pajamas, clothes, and bundled up belongings. This time, it was not sufficient to pay a fine, but all the members of the Islamic Mission had to go to the police headquarters. It was useless to say that Mr. Crown had been unwell and was addicted to smoking opium. Mr. Crown said: “Do not say that he did not know, but say he has come to convert people to the Islamic faith. This unworthy and religiously impure man has no right to shout at me. Make him understand that I am the head of the Islamic Mission and five hundred thousand million people recite the ‘There is no God but One’ formula from the Hindukush mountains to Waqwaq Islands all supporting us and if I give them a signal all the Muslims shall cut you in pieces with opium joystick needle. If he expects us to bribe him, tell them that in the manifest Islamic faith, it is illegal for every one except religious scholars to take bribes. Above all, Mr. Helm of the Law has not returned with the money.”

Mr. Nightingale and Mr. Chief who saw that the circumstances are unfavorable returned towards the door, but two people with decorated hats and badges stopped them. The interpreter said: “Gentlemen, I am honored to send your regards of the director of the ‘Berlin Zoo Garden.’ You know that you are quite famous throughout the world.”

Chief: “From the Hindukush mountains to farthest limits of the East and West.”

The interpreter: “Yes. That’s true. For the same reason, the director of the zoo has prepared an exhibit on the occasion of your arrival and is eagerly expecting his honored guests. He humbly requests the gentlemen to stay, if not for good, at least for a few days and do him a favor and attend his garden party at the zoo. You may rest assured that any attempt shall be made to make the gentlemen at home there and any conditions set by the honorable gentlemen shall be willingly met.”

Mr. Nightingale: “Is there a garden?”

The interpreter: “Yes, a famous garden about which you may have heard.”

Nightingale: “A garden full of wild animals and birds, grazing animals, birds, reptiles, and running animals. Tell me, are there those yellowish green birds as well?”

The interpreter: “Sure.”

Nightingale: “I dreamed of such garden on the train. I will go there.”

Mr. Nightingale and Mr. Chief accepted the invitation of the director of the zoo. They got into a car and went there. Half an hour later, Mr. Crown was taken to the police headquarters.

My assignment came to its end there and the missionaries scattered. Tomorrow, I will send a telegram to the editor in chief of the Sewage Magazine to inquire whether I should still send reports on the Mission or I should go on another assignment. I was passing by the zoo at night when I saw the advertising red lights above its gate read: “The Oriental Exhibit.”

Al-Baralalin, 22 the holy month of Du’l-Qa’da 1346 A.H.

Al-Jirjis Yafith ibn Ishaq al-Yasu’i

 

 

 

 

Maysar Tavern

 

Two years and a half elapsed after the dispatch of the Islamic Mission to Europe. After the missionaries scattered in Berlin, I was sent to Paris as the correspondent of The Sewer Magazine and I did not find any information about them or even did not hear their names any longer. But some incidents occurred, the account of which I have to add to my travel logs, as it may be regarded as a supplement to the story of the Islamic Mission.

Last night at 11:00, I was returning from the movies that I went into a small tavern in an alley in Mon Martyr. There I saw that someone was playing the harmonica and another the banjo. A couple was dancing Java. There were three complete hoodlums playing cards at a table close to me. One of them was stoned with drink and punched on the table incessantly saying: “Another glass.” The waiter took away the empty glasses and replaced them with full ones. The wine glasses were put on top of the other, ascending like the tower of Babylon. One of them said: “The business starts in ten minutes. I gotta go.”

His friend asked: “By the way, Jimmy, you’re making lots of money, eh?”

Jimmy: “I pocketed a clean 360 francs two nights ago. But, what sort of job is this? I haven’t slept even one night after two. Last night I was saying all night in my sleep: One banco for 200 louis, ladies and gentlemen! Let’s play. Rien ne va plus. My wife waked me up, thinking that I was delirious.

The third man said: “Your job is much better. After a week of working like a horse, Susie left me in the lurch two nights ago. I found another dish. I bumped into an Egyptian jackass in the money. After two hours of bargaining, I could only make him fork out 25 francs. It wasn’t enough to pay for my drink. If I don’t pop up a bottle of vermouth every night, I’ll die of thirst.”

Jimmy: “I can’t sleep if I don’t dance. Well, why don’t you say nothing Job? I think you’re better off than us. We don’t say nothing tonight. We’ll settle our account tomorrow night.”

The two arose and said: “Good-bye Professor Chief of Commands” and departed. I was startled when I heard such hoodlums uttered the name. When I looked carefully at the hoodlum sitting at the table, I noticed that he was the missionary who was a barber and public bath attendant in charge of teaching the Islamic practice. He was talking like the hoodlums of Paris on whose table lay a pile of saucepans. I rubbed my eyes and he recognized me. He embraced and kissed me on the cheeks, saying: “You are here too?” I looked at his table surprisingly, on which lay a green little rug. There was a deck of cards and a glass of vermouth on it. Chief patted me on the back in a friendly manner and said: “Take it easy. If you saw us on the train like that, it was due to the circumstances. But everything changed and the world led us to this situation!”

I was totally confused. To make sure, I asked: “Did you send a hamster to your daughter, Sekina?” Chief replied: This year I sent bikinis for Sekina and her mother to swim in Arvand River.”

“How’s your nazle? You were complaining on the train.”

“Say albumin or diabetes. We are now civilized and europeanized. Diabetes runs in our family.”

“How so?”

“Well, it runs in the family. My grandfather ran a confectionary, he sold candy cocks.”

“Where are your friends?”

“You didn’t recognize those sitting here beside me? One of them was The Nightingale of Islam. Here, he calls himself ‘Jean.’ The other one in black was Mr. Crown of the Orators. Here, he’s called ‘Jimmy.’ They call me ‘Job.’

“Where’s Mr. Helm of the Law, then?”

“You mean Mr. Helm of the Law, the author of the famous book ‘The Essence of Impurities/ who’s considered to be the best authority in the known and esoteric sciences? We didn’t see him until last month. He took the Mission’s money and vanished into thin air. It was his stratagem. Between you and me, it was unmanly of him to do so, as we were planning to pocket the money together. But he took away our shares and he doesn’t care at all. You know what’s he doing? He’s a door-keeper at ‘Folie Berg re.’ do you remember when Mr. Crown said ‘we shall ruin all the theaters and instead we shall make sermons’ Mr. Helm was embarrassed and said: ‘put me in charge of Folie Berg re?’ I didn’t know what it was. But now he’s a door keeper there and butters his bread on both sides. You see the way of the world! What can you do?”

“Did you convert any one into Islam?”

Chief laughed and said: “Well, we converted someone. But since then I’ve promised myself not to do such tomfoolery any more.”

“How so?”

“The day we started, none of them cared about his job like me. As they had brought me with themselves to circumcise the infidels, I learned the word sparrow in Russian ‘Warabi’, in German ‘Sperling’, and in French ‘moineau.’ Do you know why? Because at the time of circumcision, you must say ‘The sparrow flew away’ so that while the child gets distracted by looking for the sparrow, you cut the foreskin. You see how far sighted I was! Well, I didn’t need to learn the word ‘flew way,’ I just showed them my fluttering hands. But frankly, these three words never were of any use to me.”

“How so?”

“One day Mr. Crown, who was aspiring to get some money from the endowments, insisted that we should do our best to convert an infidel into Islam and all of us must take photos with him and send them to the Islamic lands. It was two years ago. We found a beggar under the bridge on le Seinne. We promised to pay him two thousand francs if he allowed us to circumcise him. First he was afraid, but finally he complied honestly, I showed him how professional I was by saying the word ‘sparrow’ in three languages, but he didn’t understand, as he was Italian. Then he complained from us, saying that we had harmed his reproductive organs. We were convicted and had to pay whatever was left for us for his circumcision!”

“What are your friends doing?”

“Jean, no, The Nightingale of Islam … Do you recall when he saw women in Berlin, he closed his eyes and recited prayers asking for forgiveness and deliverance and we held his hand and he groped along his way? Well, he’s a pimp here. Sometimes he finds a nice dish for us. He is making good money. The day before yesterday, he laughed and said ‘it was my fate to become a pimp. When I was in Samarra, I married men and women for a period of twenty four hours. Here I marry them for half and hour. The remaining twenty three hours and a half is due to the fact that people here value time more than people in the Islamic lands.”

“You’re kidding?”

“May your father’s soul rest in peace! Have you forgotten that I used to say if a wine drop trickle into the sea and the sea be filled up with earth and a hill form there and grass grow there and a cattle of sheep graze there, I won’t eat their meat? But now! (He pointed at the wine glass).”

“Was he Mr. Nightingale of Islam who said he can’t sleep at night if he doesn’t dance?’

“No, it was Mr. Crown. Do you recall how he uttered Arabic words and phrases? He was always denouncing drinking wine and intoxicants. Last year, he pocketed a good sum of money from Muslims and lost all of it in gambling. Now he’s happy to watch others playing. He waits at gambling tables at ‘Fantasieau.’ In summer, he works at Casino de Ville. It’s his job to call the numbers and pull the money and tokens forward with his stick. He’s married a European woman who refuses to eat if there’s no pork on the table.”

“How did you come to Paris? How did you get the money?”

“Oh! My dear Sewer Magazine reporter! What do you know, then? Don’t you know that we accepted the invitation of the Zoogarten director? When we didn’t know anybody there and were quite desperate, they well provided for us and gave us a stately mansion. It was like a palace. They also gave 25 marks a day to each of us, plus food and clothes. There were all kinds of animals at the zoo, grazing, flying, reptiles. Mr. Crown said prayers every night and blew at the doors and walls, lest those animals came in and ate us. He fainted when he saw a tiger on the first day.”

“Didn’t they put him in jail for smoking opium?”

“The director of the zoo bailed him out and pledged that he won’t smoke opium any more. They brought him in to stay with us. We missed you there. We really enjoyed ourselves. Very pretty girls came to watch us. I picked up two of them. We played the roles of men and women, recited the marriage and divorce formulae and made sermons. People laughed and clapped for us. Our photos appeared in newspapers. Honestly, when our pictures were in newspapers, people in Muslim countries thought that we were eagerly promulgating Islamic teachings. We became very famous. To encourage us, they sent us lots of money. Then I thought of something really great. We asked the director of the zoo to receive the four boxes of water pots for purification and the sandals which were pawned at the hotel. He complied and we sold each of them for 12 marks. To cut a long story short, we became greedy. After all, we were mullahs. We thought we’d better go to Paris for another exhibition and make money there too. But we were laughing at these foolish Europeans. What was our job and profession amused them. I told Crown let’s spread the news so that all the poor and hungry descendants of the prophet, lousy mullahs and mouse eating Arabs be brought here to make money. He didn’t see it advisable and said that our business would be slow then. Any way, we came to Paris and tried a little bit to start our business here. We showed our posters to people, but the world didn’t smile at us any more and we had to spend in Paris whatever we had saved there. Well, what can you do? Then we tried to convert someone to Islam, but we paid a high price for it. Now this is our life!”

“How come that you didn’t believe in Islam, but you defended it like that?”

“You’re a smart fellow! Didn’t you know that we were just playing acts? We all planned all that to pocket the endowments money, which we did.”

“What about Islam, the religion?”

“What’s Islam? Come off it! What’s religion but plunder and murder? All its rules and laws have been invented for one span in the front and one in the back of human being. Have you forgotten how Sufficient Food described Islam? You have to either convert to Islam and act upon ‘The Essence of Impurities’ or you’ll be massacred or pay the tribute. This is all the logic of Islam. That is the sharp sword and the begging bowl. Do you recall the ethics and the philosophy of the paradise and the Hell as described by Crown? In the next world, an angel will be given to the Muslim man, whose feet and head are in the East and West, and also seventy thousand camels and a palace with seventy thousand chambers. I would prefer to do forced labor and not have such angel, whose head and feet I may not reach. And if I sweep one chamber of that palace each and every day, I’ll turn into a sweeper in the other world. If I’m supposed to take care of seventy thousand camels in the world to come, I’ll end up a camel herdsman. But all the pretty women and European girls will be in the Hell. If people’s nature changes, they have nothing to do with this world and won’t be responsible for their previous conducts and deeds.”

“What about so many European scholars and philosophers who have praised Islam in their works? What about them?”

“That’s for exploiting and colonialist policies. These works include instructions for controlling us, the Orientals, so that they can better exploit us. What kind of venom or opium can make people apathetic, tasteless, and vicious better than Jews’ and Muslims’ philosophy of predestination? Glance at the geographical map: All Muslim nations are humiliated, miserable, spies, puppets, and mercenaries. Colonialist nations pay the greedy and venal authors to write this nonsense in order to seek their favor or cast the apple of discord between Hindus and Muslims.

What civilization? If you’re looking for the Arab civilization, read Shaykh Alligator’s ‘The Islamic Vestiges on the River Banks’ which is all about camel milk, camel dung, cloak, and lizard kebabs. The rest of their civilization is the product of conquered nations who have fabricated it out of their lowliness and have attributed it to Arabs. How come that when the civilized nations pushed Arabs aside, they went back to their origin and wearing their traditional dresses ran after lizards?”

“So, what was the reason behind such demagogy and dissimulation?”

“Shouldn’t we make money? This is our business. It is our job to deceive and exploit people. My father, may his soul rest in peace was one of those pessimist mullahs. He always said: Oh Muslim brother! Wherever you’ve set you feet, you’ve defiled it with faeces.

One day he sold a flagon with a pear in it to a feeble minded woman pilgrim for two rupees, saying: ‘Your congenital jinn is in the flagon. Keep the cap tight to keep it in.’ when I asked him: ‘Why did you do that?’ He replied: ‘These people have jinn. If I don’t do so, someone else will. Therefore, as long as people are stupid, we exploit them.’ We must thank God for being smart as we could get by, or else, if we had promulgated the Islamic faith, we would have been wrapped up in bed at some hospital with mustard wax cloths stuck to our necks.”

“By the way, what are you doing for a living?”

“Why, I saw that I’m running out of money, so I entered into partnership with the woman who owns this tavern. I also changed its name.”

He pointed at the window on which it was written: “Maysar Tavern.”

“What’s Maysar?”

“I called the tavern Maysar remembering the verses quoted by Crown. He always said ‘al-khamr (wine) wa ‘l-maysar.’ He ended up a gambler and I, a bartender.”

“Does Maysar mean wine?”

“Even Crown himself didn’t know its meaning. He asked me. At any rate, each Koranic word has three hundred thousand meanings. Let it be one of them.”

Then he turned towards the musicians and said: “Play a good Tango for our pal” and ordered a glass of Beaujolais for me. We drank to the health of the Islamic Mission.

 

Thus ended the Islamic Crusade.

Al-Baris, 12 October 1930

Al-Jirjis Yafrith ibn Ishaq al-Yasu’i.