Mali & Elizabeth

If we can show how contagious love is, we can gain support from communities that traditionally have opposed same sex marriage


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Mali & Elizabeth
by Malihe Kigasari
19-Jun-2008
 

On June 17, 2008, after years of being in a committed relationship, I was finally able to marry my partner at San Francisco's City Hall.  We wanted to honor my Persian heritage so after we said our vows we participated in the traditional Persian ritual where friends and family grind sugar cones over our heads to share with us their sweet wishes.

The custom that I had seen in other Persian weddings growing up in Iran.  It was a joy to experience that sweetness for my own marriage and be newlyweds after a 12 years of living together! My spouse said jokingly, "I wonder how many other couples would want get married after 12 years"?

We were allowed this happy day because the California Supreme Court finally ruled on May 15, 2008, that same-sex couples had the same rights as opposite-sex couples.
 
Filled with joy and anticipation over this legal breakthrough, we wanted to be married as soon as possible.  So as soon as the Supreme Court decision was issued, we went to City Hall to schedule our date so we could be among the first to marry in San Francisco.
 
On June 16, 2008, at 5:01 the lesbian couple Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon, life partners for 55 years, were actually the first to be married at San Francisco City Hall. [Photos]

To take advantage of being married as soon as possible, we decided to forgo a large traditional marriage in favor of spontaneity and creativity.  We had only eleven days to make the plans. The last time gays had a chance to marry in 2004, we were so rushed in getting to City Hall that I bought roses and baby's breath from a street stand.

The first steps in granting same-sex couples the chance to marry arrived in February 2004. San Francisco  Mayor Newsom under his own authority directed the County Clerk to issue wedding licenses to same-sex couples.  As soon as we heard, we raced to city hall.  We feared that the court would issue a TRO, prohibiting the city clerk from giving marriage licenses to gay couples. 

My partner who works in the city made it to San Francisco City Hall first.  I got myself to San Francisco in on hour from Oakland in order to get married.  We were legally married for several months until a court challenge led to a California Supreme Court decison to nullify over 4,000 marriages including ours.  They ruled that a mayor of a city cannot simply rewrite state law as he chooses.  We understood the rationale but felt crushed to have our marriage erased through a court order. 

Not only had we experienced the joys of marriage for several months before these marriages were nullified, we had also had several celebrations, including a Persian wedding with friends.  Also my partner's mother had announced our 2004 marriage in the Washington Post and held a large reception for us in Washington, DC.  
 
This year we had enough time to evite our friends and families to witness our marriage. We assured them that we understood the short notice would mean that some of our friends and loved ones could only be there in spirit.  Our wedding was schedule for 1:00 p.m at City Hall.  This time instead of the 24 people we expected and who had RSVPed YES to our evite, over 60 people showed up to show their support. Their enthusasm for our marriage brought us great happiness.
 
In fact, the feelings of joy were electrifying as couples were being married in all corners of City Hall.  The rotunda would shake with the loud cheers after each couple came down the stairs.  I was well composed until one moment during the ceremony.  As we exchanged our vows, I turned to get the ring from my friend to place on my spouse's finger.  Seeing the number of friends present and how many of them were wiping tears from their cheeks deeply moved me. Then my voice broke, and tears of happiness rolled down my cheeks.
 
At the same time my feelings were bittersweet, as I thought of the contrast.  Finally in the U.S., I was able to marry the love of my life.  On the other hand, in Iran, my country of birth, I know that gays often risk their lives to find their happiness in a same-sex relationship.  Too often gays are executed because of who they are and for the love they feel!

Our wedding guests at City Hall were as diverse as the city itself.  Our well-wishers came from all walks of life.  Even friends with strong commitment to  the Catholic Church came to support us.  Many friends came who had contributed to organizations such as the National Center for Lesbian Rights, who fought in court to over turn the ban on same-sex marriage.
     
The media spotlighted our love stories!  The San Francisco Chronicle ran a half page story about us. Spanish channel 14, Univision taped our whole wedding and featured our ceremony on their 6 PM evening news. Since I had lived in Spain and also speak Spanish, they were eager to feature us after they heard me speaking Spanish to a friend from El Salvador.  We were thrilled to be able to share our joy with Hispanic communities.  The reporter was extremely emotional and congratulated us with her teary eyes.

In addition to the joy I experienced in marring the one that I loved, I understand that from a political perspective it is also important to marry now.  If every same-sex couple that wants to get married does get married and invites as many people as they can, the world will soon see why the "love haters" (that is what I call people who are against same-sex marriage) will see the power of love --- how love wins and hate looses.  Why would they choose to spend energy in fighting the love of two consenting adults? Instead we hope that will spend time positively to find someone to love, so that they too can know how great it is to be in love.

Some things have changed since 2004.  People are less concerned with who other people go to bed with at night and more concerned with whether they have a job to go to when they get up in the morning. Polling shows much progress has been made.  Still some member of religious and minority communities such as Christians, Muslims, Hispanic and African American still  oppose same sex marriage.

But if we can show how contagious love is, we can gain support from communities that traditionally have opposed same sex marriage.  Californias have big hearts and can fit lots of love in them.  We must win the public opnon before we can win at the ballot box.  Come November we need to block the LIMIT ON MARRIAGE amendment to the California Constitution.  We need to block their efforts to limit our rights as it will begin limiting other people's rights.  Same sex couples and their supports have to make sure that does not happen.  Once we stay silent when others' rights are taken away, who will remain to defend our rights?


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Mali

She + she

by Mali on

Dear all,

Just a note to thank the well wishers for your kind words. Most of the comments on the blog where sweet, fun and wonderful to read. There were also a few not so nice comments to which I have no comments except that I hope the people that are against love, read their own comments and see for themselves if in fact having the negative views that they have expressed towards our happiness has brought them any happiness. I often remember the poem, "imagine that you are not, now that you are, be happy."  

Warm regards,

Mali  


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congartulations to these

by Theresa (not verified) on

congartulations to these people whatever them happy.However of course i don't agree with homosexuality it contradicts our monotheisic beliefs (as a couple is naturally a man and a woman.)but you still have to respect these people and treat them like human beings (because they are human beings)even if they do choose to live their life this way ,its their life.and its not for us to judge its for The Creator to judge.enough hateful commentary.


manesh

to Rastorist

by manesh on

They both look quite beautiful to me. Maybe you mean they don't look dolls or like the pictures in magazines? That's good.


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Why?

by Rastorist (not verified) on

Why is it that almost never gay women are beautiful? Never mind beautiful they are not even half decent looking. They are not even normal looking. Are they a different species from humans? Gay men are usually very attractive and woman-like. My theory: these are sick (physically) people who were either born gay or they turn deformed and gayor because no one has the heart to look at them.


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Thank you!

by Iranian Gay Community (not verified) on


Strongiranianwoman1

You Give GAY IRANIANS a voice! Thank you.

by Strongiranianwoman1 on

Malihe:

 (1) You give gay and lesbian Iranians a voice! And for that, I thank you!

 (2) I am a heterosexual, married, Iranian wife and mother. But I am sickened by the fact that our culture does not acknowledge the existence of those of us Iranians who are gay or lesbian.

(3) By openly getting married, AND by writing your piece on Iranian.com, you say to us all that you, and others like you, exist and thrive amongst us. As we all know, there are not many Iranians who openly admit to being gay. It's obvious why.

 (4) *** QUESTION:  WHY IS THERE NOT EVEN A DIGNIFIED WORD IN FARSI FOR "GAY" OR "LESBIAN"?   ***

(5) Our so-called "educated" society's complete denial of the existence of our gay Iranian sisters and brothers is not only repressive, but completely behind the times.

 (6) And to those of you who are "against" same-sex marriage: Well, don't marry someone of the same sex!

(7)  And to those of you who are worried about "Iranian children being corrupted" by the existene of openly gay couples, or gay marriage: clean up your own household, your own families. There are plenty of Iranian children living miserable amidst heterosexual couples.  It has nothing to do with the sexual orientation of the couple, but with the quality of their character.

 Thank you, Malihe. Stand tall and proud, you strong Iranian woman! And congrats congrats congrats again!


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Nice Ladies, but....

by Concerned Iranian (not verified) on

I am quite happy that these two individuals have been together for 12 years. To every person, who has congratulated these two it seems like the right thing to do and to to say Tabrik. Well, the issue is not about the fact these couples want to be together. The issue is that they want to be MARRIED. Marriage in this country brings with it myriad benefits and rights. They have tax benefits, legal (court related) benefits and social benefits. So, you could be with your gay partner for 5 years and at most you will be in a civil union, with very few limited rights. But once you are recognized as married, your rights become endless.
The other major major right of a married couple is to have children under their names. Some of the writers in this website have suggested that the married gay couples adopt other people's "unwanted " children and give them a "loving home." I do not know what that means but I can only speak from experience with people around me. Children of gay couples rarely grow up to be normal. They have to constantly battles other children even when they are as young as 3-4 years old. These are traumatized children. They are abused by the fact that their home is not "normal" or "natural" and they have to constantly explain themselves to other children or grown ups. Being a child in this day and age is hard enough. They do not need this extra wrinkle in their lives. Even animals (with the exception of a couple) do not mate or cohabit with the same sex. This is truly a travesty and abuse of these of these children. Just because they have money and can care for these children does not give them the right to "buy" or even "have through artifical insamination" children. I am not a conservative. I am a human being, whi has seen the children of gay couples. More often than not they are depressed and socially and mentally screwed up.
This is not about being open or closed-minded. It is about these children, who are being abused.


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With fear in your eyes....

by Francesco Sinibaldi (not verified) on

It's night, the
tepid tincture of
the valley invites
me to escape
near the sound
of a woody recall,
and this in your
delicate sign, the
second degree
of a beautiful kiss...

Francesco Sinibaldi


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Your Behavior

by A Person of Faith (not verified) on

Your behavior is extremely immoral; it sets a bad example for today's youth, and it twists traditional values that have made this nation so strong. Your behavior goes against the world's three major monotheistic religions and should be unacceptable in any civilized society. If you had been so "por-roo" to sin like this, American would never have become that "shining city upon a hill"(Ronald Reagan). As Jerry Falwell said, alternative lifestyles, like yours, are what lead to America's downfall.


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Dear Malihe

by Hetrosexual Man (not verified) on

Dear Malihe Khanume,

Congrats on you and Elizabeth's joyous day! A dark cloud of shame has been lifted in California, and eventually, as California goes, so will the nation go. Gays and lesbians have been denide their civil and human rights for far too long, but now that there are cracks in the wall of discrimination, it is only a matter of time before it will fall once and for all across the entire nation.

There are those who will continue to decry your right to marry whomever you choose, and to be proud of whom you were born to be, but they are just going to have to learn to deal with it. The days of gays and lesbians having to hide in the closet are over forever. This is, indeed, a happy time in America, for our adoptive nation's creed of equality is strengthened everytime we wash another stain of prejudice, bigotry and discrimination from the fabric of our society.

One would think that Iranians would be among the happiest to see this day arrive in California, for they know well the painful sting of discrimination and prejudice. Some will write you hateful comments, but know my dear gay sister that we, the silent majority...the hetrosexual silent majority, stand proudly with you and your lovely WIFE! God bless you both and all the gays and lesibans who've suffered for so long at the intolorant hands and attitudes of a minority of ignorant people, both Iranian and American. Our country is stronger because of people like you...and perhaps, we will live to see the day that gays and lesbians in our beloved Iran will be given the chance to embrace true equality in our ravaged country. You are loved, accepted and appreciated by your hamvatan.

Hetrosexual Man


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Love is not a counterfeit or ill-gotten coin

by Joubin Houshyar (not verified) on

Salaam Malihe Khanum,

I wish you true happiness and joy and love -- and it is not my business how you (and your partner) achieve this.

Love is indeed a powerful Force. Some would have that the very heavens and earth are maintained by Divine Love.

Love has many aspects, many states, many stations. & It is certainly not limited to mutual relations.

Love is the root of Patience, Giving, Caring, Nurturing, Forgiving, Defending, ... did i mention it is a Powerful Force?

True Love does *not* require the "acceptance" of society -- In fact, some would have 'true' Love to be the station of un-Reciprocated Love.

Society's opinion?

True Lover's are OBLIVIOUS, MAD. Even if the beloved is cold as ice, the Lover still loves. Lets repeat: True Love is a Powerful Force. It moves mountains. And it cares about nothing but the Beloved.

So, Malihe Khanume Aziz, the issue here is this:

You are misappropriating the Symbols, Rituals, and Meaning that *Heterosexuals* invented, developed, and maintained over *thousands* of years, as the (universally) definitive 'Asaas-e Jaame'e'.

And this, almost again universally, in the context of a Spiritual Framework. Marriage is a Spiritual institution, first and foremost. The 'Highest' Spiritual states of almost all of the spiritual schools and religions of our (old) neighborhood has *always* been symbolically depicted as a 'Heavenly Marriage', where the Soul is the Bride.

And where did these symbols and rituals come from? Every time that humanity experienced a 'spiritual paradigm shift', that shift 'engendered' (because Love is a 'Creative' Force) its own unique set of symbols, rituals, and semantics.

It is really typical of these times -- when 'corporations' can hold intellectual property "rights" on naturally occurring molecules and even the Human genome -- that Heterosexuals apparently must simply watch in silence as Homosexuals mis-Appropriate *our* intellectual, social, emotional, and spiritual symbols and institutions. Its too bad we never 'incorporated' and copyrighted Our Heritage.

All of this is somewhat ironic, given that no one can deny that through out history, homosexuals have been, generally, a more creative bunch of people. Some of the greatest artists have been homosexuals. But this generation of homosexuals is apparently entirely devoid of Creative ability and have had to resort to 'borrowing' from us.

Why didn't you recite Sappho, and have a circle of women around you picking on lyres? Why didn't you use this "Powerful Force" to engender an honest to goodness
expression of your modality of sexual love? Why did you have to take our Sofreh and our Ghand and our Aai'neh?

Do you know what the Mirror symbolizes? It is about 'reflection', as in 'Complements', as in male and female.

"[S]he removes her veil and the first thing that the bridegroom sees in the mirror should be the reflection of his wife-to-be."

[//jorge.paulodesigns.com/wedding/ceremony.html]

so, again, tabreek on your Political victory and demonstration. Please learn to Live and Let Live. "Acceptance" is a two way street. Accept *us*, *our* "rights", and surely, sensible ones among us would "accept" you and yours.

"And for every people WE Have Appointed Rites of Sacrifice [root: 'Sacred', Malihe Jaan], that they might mention the Name of ALLAH over the quadrupeds of the class of cattle that HE has provided for them.

So your ALLAH Is One God, therefore, submit ye all to HU. And give thou Glad tidings to the humble, " [Qur'an 22:34]

/& Salaam

//mrhugs.com/images/love_l.jpg


ladan K

Congratulations!

by ladan K on

May you have a long and happy life together!
Ladan Khalili and family


Alahazrat Hajagha

Congrats!

by Alahazrat Hajagha on

Congratulations on your marriage dear Malihe. I was very impressed when I saw your Iranian style wedding picture on San Francisco chronicle. I wish you and Elizabeth the best and thank you for keeping the Iranian tradition alive on the best day of your life. This is for you:
//www.hajiagha.com/2008/06/249.php#comments


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Congratulations

by Sara D. (not verified) on

Congratulations on your marriage:) I hope you and Elizabeth have a wonderful life together, filled with happiness and joy, love and laughter.


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Congrats

by Casual (not verified) on

Not my cup of tea, but hey live and let live, everyone has a right to happiness & a fullfilling and comitted relationship.

Anyways,looks like a beautiful ceremony, congrats.

RE:tears...just so you know, gay women are still able to have children, should they choose to, via insemination...so dont worry your little head about it:)


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Are you afraid of turning

by Javid (not verified) on

Are you afraid of turning gay if you allow other gays to marry? What seems to be the issue? Are you afraid heterosexual married people will suddenly abandon their posts and become homos and the world would end? Explain.


Strongiranianwoman1

Amazing Victory!

by Strongiranianwoman1 on

CONGRATULATIONS, MALIHE!

 May your marriage be joyful and prosperous!! You are a beautiful couple. And I am so proud to see an Iranian woman stand up for who she is.

I find it sad - though not surprizing - that so many of our fellow Iranians (even those outside of the confines of Iran) cannot be respectful and ACCEPTING towards fellow Iranians who are different from the mainstream.

 Believe it or not, Iranians can be - AND ARE - gay, lesbian, straight, transgender, rich, poor, white, dark, Christian, Jewish, Bahai, Agnostic, Atheist, educated, uneducated . . . Just like any other society.

 Why are there so many intolerant and ignorant people in our community?


varjavand

  1.      My

by varjavand on

 

1.      My remarks, in my previous comment, is more about the rest of us than about the gays or lesbians in general or Moli in particular. The key point of my comment was about changing the definition of marriage for the whole society. For thousands of years we used the term “marriage” to define a holy union between a man and a woman. If they want to change the nature of marriage for the sake of a very small minority of population who may want to marry for variety of purposes, they should come up with another specific term.

2.      If love per se is the sole foundation of a marriage and the guarantor of the continuation of a marriage, why is the divorce rate in western countries, in which marriage is mainly based on love, compared to other countries like Iran is so higher?

3.      Once we allow the change in definition of marriage, we open up the possibility for other changes. What if a woman wants to marry more than one man? Or a man claimed that he is in love with more than one woman?  Should we then extend the definition of marriage to include polygamy?

4.      I don’t know Moli or any gay or lesbian, even haven’t met any in my life. Had I known her or any other homosexual, my knowledge of homosexuality and my view about same sex marriage might be different.

Varjavand


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Gay lobby STRONG!

by AnonymousNotGay (not verified) on

No other minority has had as much achievement as the so-called gays (if that word can ever be defined). The reason? Rich and well-connected lobby. You think the laws of today is based on facts? No, I am afraid anything can be written into law today if you have a powerful lobby.

Don't gloat too much. This will solve NOTHING of human problems. By redefining words we get nowhere. Your inability to find a guy and therefore trying to change the definition of words and trying to to fake a relationship with someone of the same sex is absurd and no law can legitimize it. Five thousands years after this "victory" you will still feel odd inside. Nothing can change that. This is like someone who enjoys murdering people pays the government and uses contacts to change the definition of the word "murder" so that it becomes legal for him/her. Anybody heard of the book 1984?


Hamzisti Ba Digaran

Hamisheh Shad o Khurram Bashin

by Hamzisti Ba Digaran on

Mali jaan e aziz,

Mobarak basheh, hamished shad va khurram, tandorost va kamyab bashi.

Congrats to my Gay/Lesbian brothers and sisters in the US, sepecially to Iranian Gays and Lesbians who have had it very hard inside and outside Iran and who are so misunderstood.

May we also see a day when Iran joins the ranks of Spain, Sweden and now Mass, and CA in the US in giving all Iranians their civil rights. Full rights for women, religious minorities, ethnic minorities, degarandishan and finaly degar-jens-garayan va hamjens-garayan.

Ashti va salamat baraye hameh,

Live and let live and pray that Obama is the next US president next :-)

No Attack On IRAN


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A Marriage Is A Commitment

by Femme Iranian (not verified) on

Aghaye Varjavand:

A marriage is not just about procreation. It is also acceptance by the society of the commitment of two people who love each other and want to live together proudly and repectfully. Who is to say that marriage between two women who can have children togeter through IVF or adoption is less legitimate than a marriage between a man and a woman who can have children naturally? Opposite sex marriages can be disasters to the two people involved as well as humanity when there is no love, no commitment, and most importantly, no responsibility to the children born of it through the neglect we witness worldwide everyday.

Same sex couples adopt heterosexual people's unwanted children and give them families and homes, loving those children as if they were their own, helping humanity along the way, for love is what makes children strong and helps them become loving adults and good citizens of the world.

I think it is presumptuous, unfair and insensitive of you to 'banish' other Iranians to other sites and specially to 'tabloid' TV simply because they have a different lifestyle than yours. Mali has every right to share her joy and her opinions here on Iranian.com. We read about other Iranians' joys and sorrows and confusions and quests for sense and happiness on this site. Certainly we read enough of yours! No Iranian should be told they cannot participate in the mosaic of our 21st century identity, simply because we don't approve of their choices in life.

Again, I congratulate Mali on her marriage and share in her joy.


Anonymouse

Congratulations and a question

by Anonymouse on

Malihe jan, congratulations! May you find happiness and all that is good for you and your partner.  I loved the aghd ceremony picture. I love respecting traditions.

Thank you for telling us you are gay so we can at least have someone who actually IS gay and knows a thing or 2 more about it than the rest of us who are just political potato heads and want to stick our head into everything.

I am for Gay marriage and people should do what the laws allows them to do and in this case at least even if the law doesn't allow it, it is a personal choice.  There has been other blogs and articles (by NON gays :-) this week and having discussed this elsewhere, I have one question.  Well maybe more than one question, but they are followups to the same question;

How should the Govt deal with same-sex marriage between a gay and a heterosexual of the same gender? Should that be legal in your opinion? Do you think marriage fraud should be a crime? If you think that should be illegal, do you think Govt should have a test or something to prove that the marriage is in fact a gay marriage and not just "same-sex"?

If you are going to say that Govt should stay out of marriage business then why is it important to get a marriage license?  Why should there be laws to resolve disputes in case of a divorce.  When you have laws you have Govt involved.

Personally, I would vote yes for those who want to have "same-sex" marriage, again it is their choice.  Most of us get same sex roomates before we get girl/boy friends or get married.  Many of us don't get married for a while and some never do and some divorce and never get married again.  So I think if a couple wants to get married for benefits, be it green card, health insurance, joint accounts, joint income or any other benefit, they should be able to do it as citizens of that country.  Basically single people should not be discriminated against! Is that right?!


varjavand

For an old fashioned guy

by varjavand on

For an old fashioned guy like me, opposition to the same-sex marriage is obvious, sincere, and perfectly understandable. I see that as a long run impediment to the foundation of the society, the continuation of human generation. Implicit in “marriage” is the natural, instinct-driven, sex and the outcome of it, children. If you take that away, call it whatever you want, but it is not marriage anymore in its traditional sense. Changing the definition of marriage is not a legal matter; it is a social, cultural, and most importantly a religious matter.

 

I believe love alone, no matter how intense, is not the sufficient condition for marriage. We love our children; our immediate relatives, does that mean that society should let us marry them? No one disputes your rights to pursue happiness and choose whom you want to live with. However, there is a difference between granting and protecting the civil rights of a minority of people and changing the definition of the most sacred institution of the whole society. Same- sex marriage especially between two men is also bodily unhealthy according to medical experts.

 

While I respect your enthusiasm about your marriage and wish you good luck, I felt little bit awkward d to see this report on this site. Couldn’t you go to Oprah show and jump up and down on her coach instead!.

 

Varjavand

 


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tears for things happend around

by tears (not verified) on

you guys help world to childless in near future and distroy the beauty of earth.
this is a sad moment.
words can not explain.


Party Girl

Best Wishes

by Party Girl on

Congratulations on your union and best wishes for a beautiful life together!

I hope you know and like Al Bano and Romina Power.  Here's something for the two of you.  Enjoy!

//www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q0wZQbK938Y

And a bit slower, but so sweet:

//www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIdZ-rRnUkg&feature=related

And just in case you don't mind the mindless!:

//www.youtube.com/watch?v=KEXtBwfjLfg


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Mobarak Basheh!

by Femme Iranian (not verified) on

Good on you Mali! You are so brave and courageous to express your love for Elizabeth both in words and in actions. Nothing feels better than seeing two people in love and committed to a relationship. You must have had to fight so much adversity and prejudce in your lifetime and I am glad you have found your peace and joy with a woman you love. The rest of us Iranian women who supposedly have it easier because we are heterosexuals, should be so lucky to one day find a man who truly loves us and is willing to announce that love as proudly as you did for your partner.

Here's to your happiness and love and understanding for years to come.


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Gay marriage is not a marriage

by susan zahedi (not verified) on

I am sorry that you cannot call a homosexual union a marriage. A marriage is only between a man and a woman who can procreate and that is it.
A child cannot have 2 mothers or 2 fathers, therefore you cannot be called a family, even if you adopted children.
marriage is for the sake of having a family.
Call it by any other name please.
The only reason that it has been legalized is because of the pink dollars, follow the money trail.....


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awwwww....congrats! cant

by nima (not verified) on

awwwww....congrats!
cant wait to marry my partner.


Shahriar

Wish you the best!

by Shahriar on

Injustice anywhere is injustice everywhere.