bahmani

Dear Activists (current and former),

Thanks for letting me know that the government of Iran has finally jailed some of the former hostage takers. Each one is one less we have to worry about.

Also thanks for letting me know that Arman Rezakhani won the Kharazmi Festival Prize for mathematics and has 2 theorems named after him. Here in the US, our festival winners usually win the best Jam or the best Pie. So... uh... yeah... that was sort of weird to read.

Regarding your "Syrian Brothers and Sisters", me and the rest of the world did not actually know that common every day Iranians gave a shit about Syria. Or Palestine for that matter. Good to know. We always thought the Iranian government did that just to piss off Israel.

Putting a Syria no fly zone in place would actually be stupid since the Syrians use tanks, and I have never seen a tank fly. I have seen a pig fly though, I am of course referring to Herman Cain's ridiculous campaign. (God I hope he wins the nomination!) So forgive me as I sit Syria out though, I'm frankly exhausted from Iraq, and as soon as I get my troops out of Afghanny, I'm off to campaign for a second term as my vacation. Sorry, bigger fish to fry and all that.

Regarding the protesters in 2009, honestly, I was pulling for you then. Big time. But after just a couple of days it seemed you all folded up and went home and I am frankly concerned about your commitment to the cause if a few batons and motorbikes will dissuade you. Not good after-the-sale customer service. You know what I mean? You need to try harder than that.

Regarding talking to the Iranian government, look, you know me, I'm always ready to talk to anyone who is willing to talk. Gives me a chance to talk them out of their crazy ideas. Just ask John Boehner. Say, you wouldn't happen to know if Khamenei or Ahmadinejad play golf do you? Tell them I'll make Anderson Cooper join us if that helps.

Thanks for recognizing my Nobel Prize. No one else seems to remember. But to quote another Nobel Prize winner, your own Shirin Ebadi who so rightly said, "Democracy cannot be exported. It can only be imported." That, and may I remind you that EVERY SINGLE COUNTRY THAT HAS EVER GAINED FREEDOM DID SO ON IT'S OWN WITHOUT ANY OUTSIDE HELP.

Specifically, I will point to the US as the biggest most obvious example you should consider. We took on the biggest Army and super power in the world. The British. Er, oddly enough using the very same kinds of insurgent tactics that... er the Taliban... er are using against us in... er Afghanny. Hmmmm...

I guess what I'm trying to say is you need to get creative. To inspire you, here are other examples of countries that gained their own independence and fought and won their freedom:

- France (kicked out their King like you did. Khamenei is sort of a King no?)
- Russia (kicked out the Tzar, which is Russian for King. They got communism and it didn't work out that well)
- China (kicked out their Emperor, which is another English word for King, they got communism too but it worked out well. Really well.)
- India (kicked the British out too. Worked out well, for the most part. Although they didn't lose the British accent like we did.)
- Even the Bahamas were able to fight for their freedom from the British! The Bahamas! I mean come on! Have you been to the Bahamas? It's beautiful. Very clear water, white sand beaches.

I know we have put numerous Kings on the throne in the past. Especially Arab Kings in the Persian Gulf. But come on, have you seen how lazy Arabs are? Don't they always look like they've just woken up from a mid-day nap? That's because they have! That's also why they always wear pajamas!

Forgive the US once again for the whole Mossadegh/Pahlavi mistake. Not my Administration's fault and another thing we inherited, I might add. I can only assume while we were putting Kings in place in the Gulf, someone mistook Iranians for Arabs. You understand of course. Iranians have been mistaken for Arabs for hundreds of years. Well, ever since 1979 then, for sure.

In regards to your request to impose sanctions on Iran. I had Holder check it out, and according to him, every single one of the items you requested is actually currently already in place as an active sanction on Iran. In place ever since Ronald Reagan claimed to have started sanctions against Iran in 1984. I checked that out too, and found that Jimmy Carter actually started the sanctions after the hostage crisis. Ever since then, we've pretty much increased them. Don't buy Iranian oil either.

So I'm not so sure they're working. At least that's what my new friend Trita Parsi tells me to tell you.

Finally, if Iran really wants to get nukes, I'm pretty sure they are going to get nukes. No, really, I am sure they will (wink, wink).

All I can say is that nukes are not toys for kids, they are real toys for grown ups. You have to be careful, because you never know when one of them might accidentally suddenly go off in your hands while you are playing with them. Like say, in the middle of the night, or early dawn. From the East. Because no one would expect that.
 
I am speaking hypothetically of course.

In closing, I'm flattered you remembered my old campaign slogan "Yes We Can". But the new one is "We Can't Wait!" and I'm sorry, but you are just going to have to. Or you can get off your duffs and like the song says, "Big Girls Don't Cry" and figure it out for yourselves.

I mean at some point, you're going to have to. Right?

Sincerely,

Barack Hussein (and I do mean Hossein!) Obama, President of the United States (as opposed to Ahmadinejad who is not actually a real President like me, with actual powers and stuff, like I have.)