Go out there and start with getting laid!


Kobra Khanoom
by Kobra Khanoom

Some years ago I was told by a friend, who was going through a difficult time ending a relationship, that I was good at giving advice. It was not the first time someone had told me this. I decided, with the help of Jahanshah Javid, that it would be a good idea to start an advice column that gave guidance freely, openly and from the heart. When choosing a name for my ‘Iranian Dear Abbey’ I remembered my nanneh (nanny), Kobra Khanoom, in Iran who though illiterate was full of wisdom and goodwill and used to give everyone advice that was simple and confident.

There is a tradition in most cultures, certainly in our Iranian one, of wise women giving advice. It is the kind of counseling that is free of psychological and clinical training, unafraid of being sued and boldly free of any disclaimers. It is the kind of advice-giving that is as old as when people first started telling each other their problems. I have decided to revive Kobra Khanoom’s advice column because the older I get the more ups and downs I experience, the more like her I become.

So if you need a naneh to help you with a problem ask Kobra Khanoom and she will try her best to answer your question. It is, after all, up to you to listen. Email me at MsKobra@yahoo.com


Question: I am divorced and for the past 10-11 years, I have chosen not to become romantically involved with a man. It was not just one reason but many that led me to make such a choice. Now that my youngest son is 17 years, I have decided to focus on developing a romantic life. However, I have gotten so good at avoiding men's advances towards me that I don't know how to stop myself.

Family and friends call me the "great escapist". Many men have been interested in me but I practically run away from them. The men are left confused and frustrated.

Kobra Khanoom's Answer: I never could understand how people can actually 'choose' becoming romantically involved or falling in love. In fact the term falling in love clearly connotes 'falling' which is an involuntary act by nature. What I mean to say is that probably more than you 'choosing' it is perhaps that the right man has not come along. If he had then you couldn't help to 'choose'. That is the nature of love and romance-- it has to be involuntary. Make it a choice and it becomes something else: an arrangement.

We have become a society that stigmatizes the 'victim' or those who feel they have been wronged. Everyone is supposed to be responsible for their own misery. Well some of that is right and good but then again not everyone chooses their destiny there is such a thing as just bad luck. Some people have been wronged by those they loved and trusted and are too shell-shocked to go on having normal lives. But because they are told that the worst thing to feel is to feel like a victim they make themselves believe that the life they live no matter how lonely and sad is actually a 'choice'.

It could be that you were afraid of getting hurt or hurting someone. What ever the cause of your so-called choice of not getting involved, the good news is that you are now ready to move on and want to enjoy a romantic relationship.

Here is what I believe you should do: just say yes to next guy you think you can stomach. Dating like everything else becomes easier with practice. In fact it may even turn out to be fun. Don't expect romantic involvement right away start with good old casual sex. If it is good then let it take a romantic course if your partner is so inclined. Remember it does not have to be a heavy life or death choice. Just push yourself to have some fun. Even pleasure takes a little perseverence and discipline. Taking your clothes off in front of a man becomes easier with each date! It is easier to become romantically involved when the sex is good. Go out there and start with getting laid!

Kobra Khanoom




Recently by Kobra KhanoomCommentsDate
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Javaneh Jan... Ok Well, you

by AnonymousTHEMRS (not verified) on

Javaneh Jan...

Ok Well, you made the reference about empowerment and CAmille Paglia. It doesn't matter, I will blog about this seperately because it's something that happens over and over on many blogs.
Anyway, who said anything about anyone sleeping with many different men? What is MANY anyway? What if she had just 2. Is that 2 too many? What if it was just one...or say 15? In anyway, why would she be with anyone who would think she has been diminished by her previous actions...
valla man nemigiram. I think I'm on a different planet.


The Mrs jan

by javaneh29 on

Please go back and read the posts prior to mine and you will see that I did not in fact introduce Camille Paglia into the discussion here. Im not sure myself why Khobra Khanoom referred to her, who ever she is... guessing some one well known in the US. Why is it relevant .. good question.

Internets.... guessing you are a man? ok if you think Im moralistic....be man chi! Someone needs to be real here.  And no matter whether this is a fictinal story or a real life one, it raises a SERIOUS issue. I know as do we all, that 100% if this woman is Irani and is hoping for a long term relationship with an Irani man, she will diminsh herself in his eyes if she has sex with many different men. Let alone what she feel about hereslf. If you are an Irani man .. and you disagree with this, you are rare indeed and I dont believe you!!!!! Perhaps you are not an Irani man or perhaps you are a woman who wishes she could be free from the judgement this choice of action would bring with it.

Zeynab Jan ..... Perhaps you are right! Its interesting though.. the responses we read here. I hate the hypocracy here on this issue. Lets be honest and stop trying to pretend that its not going to have any effect on her reputation if a woman has sex with many partners.Many seem to be fooling themselves and trying to convince the rest of us that this is not the case!

Great escapist ... so happy to read that you have overcome your problem so quickly. Good luck to you.  



Do it if you feel right!

by Amoo reza (not verified) on

Sex is the next basic human need after eating.Many marriage has not worked out because the chemistry was not there.For separated women my suggestion is to know their men very well before they hop in be with them,unless they are too horny to wait:)Live Love Laugh


Javaneh aziz , kobra khanom must be a man!

by Zeynab on

I agree with you, it is not healthy to go from one man to other and have sex just to catch up with the lost times!

She would be famous in her social circle as being a slut,that would be the only outcome.

only a horny man would give such a horny response to a vulnerable woman" are naneh joon bro bookon"! yah right!


Javaneh Jan

by TheMrs on

This is an important topic because there’s a large number of single middle aged Iranians out there. Some are our parents or uncles or friends or sisters…this is a very relevant topic.

Why drag Camille Paglia into this? 

I’m frustrated with this attitude that even the suggestion of a woman sharing herself always gives her loose morals (suggested by another comment) or leaves her marginalized with unrealistic comparisons to wildly cartoonish and out of context characters (suggested by you).  What does empowerment have to do with taking it off? No one has ever suggested this. Even the most active feminists have always maintained that women should be in control of their bodies. This means that if they choose to do something, it should be their choice. It is the freedom of choice and protection from judgmental eyes that brings the empowerment.  The mere suggestion that perhaps the subject of this advice could become more comfortable with others and perhaps enjoy her body and learn to enjoy the person she has become (after years of dedication to her family) brings up Camille Paglia?  WHAT??? Why should a perception of what Camille Paglia is have to even be an option for this poor soul? Bad bakht no wonder she’s been running away from people. Perception of what is appropriate must have been on her mind too. Irrespective of my opinion of Paglia’s work, I don’t see her as one dimensional. Surely we can evaluate and gossip about her without reducing her to her feminist ideologies, most of which are unknown to many of the readers here. She doesn’t sound like a person who would be empowered by taking her clothes off in front of a man. What an absurd portrayal of one of the world’s most prominent intellectuals. I wonder if the same comparison would be made for a male Scholar or Writer.



Actually, I am very much real............

by GreatEscapist (not verified) on

First of all I would like to thank many on the thread, who expressed concern about my welfare.=)

I can assure you that I do have a good head on my shoulders. I will make the most wise and best decisions for me.

I think that Kobra Khanoom is correct in that in the last 10-11 years, I have not met the right man.

However, I have met a man that I am not only interested in but that I am extremely attracted to his mind, body and soul. It has awoken in me something that I thought had been lost.

I greatly admire and respect him........yes, he is Persian.

I think that I am ready to take that "leap of faith".

PS: Kobra Khanoom, thank you once again for your advice. I am sure I will have future questions now that I will begin the journey.......towards love. lol =)



by Internets on

You are taking matters too seriously and too literally. This is most probably advice from KK to a fictional situation, which incidently occurs all the time in real life. You are treating it as if it was a "one size fits all" solution. It is meant to be whimsical, so just relax instead of getting yourself involved in these long winded, moral lesson discussions.

How did that famous George Michael song go?. "I Want Your Sex":

"Sex is natural - sex is good
Not everybody does it
But everybody should
Sex is natural - sex is fun
Sex is best when it's....one on one...one on one"

Sorry, but I don't remember the whole lyrics ;)


OH Behave baby!

by AnonymousTHEMRS (not verified) on

Naneh joon,

Right on the money!

Obviously this lady isn't going to go on a frenzy and engage in behaviour she isn't comfortable with. I think that's obvious. She has waited a long time so she probably is in control of her wants and needs. She doesn't sound like someone who makes decisions that would leave her vulnerable or manipulated.

Most of her life has already passed her by! Let's get real, besides companionship and all the good things that come with a healthy relationship, she is probably in need of other things too. And she isn't getting any younger. The pool of available jeegars is thinning out for her.

There is nothing wrong with going a bit faster than what we are traditionally used to. I hope this lady will be smart enough to use her time efficiently.

There's nothing wrong with learning things from other cultures or even imitating them. And there's no need to feel guilty about behaving in a way that would be unacceptable in our culture. If she needs something physical, then she should feel good about herself and proud of the fact that she can put a name on her need and go after it.

This idea that physical actions will leave us damaged and confused and khodayeh nakardeh zaboonam laal goosheh sheytoon kar "naanajeeb", is irrational. Times have changed and I'm confident we can move ahead with them. To think logically and not blindly copying previous generations that have left us full of shame and confusing.

Nothing can be as damaging and confusing as guilt and holding back on real human needs. IF, IF, IF, this lady feels she wants to take the plunge, she should get a nice partner in crime and perhaps start with some good old fashion ...!

What's important however is that she should catch up a little bit, if she hasn't done so already. I recommend she goes to get some az un filmhaayeh kheily khoobeh kheily bad. No one wants her to be shocked into a heart attack.

If this lady wants realistic advice on how to approach this issue, she can email me.


I agree with Kobra Khanoom

by Mehran-001 (not verified) on

I think Kobra is right about her advice. There is no reason to make a big deal about sex and have this illusion that you should be romantically involved to have it. Get this thing out of the way and all of a sudden you see everything far more clearly.



by javaneh29 on

Dear Khobra Khanoom if i misunderstood what you worte I apologise. I dont want to nit pick but .. I will since you like a good disagreement!! ! 

However before I write anythng more I want to say thats  its good that you were able to clarify the point. I think it was confuing as it was all in the same paragraph which began with 'now this is what I think you should do....' and ended with '....now get out there and get laid. .

Ok my views are likely to be a little like the 'psycho babble' you refer to ....this is my job and I can not avoid it easily. However there is a place for everything in this world of ours including a professional view that has years of working with  human emotions and behaviour... such as myself! The point I am trying to make here as I did on your other blog is that the person with the problem will hopefully consider all views and in the end make their own decision. So therefore it seems reasonable to assume that more perspectives are a good thing ..even if they happen to come from a some one like myself.

I happen to agree with you that sometimes good old friend advice can be just as helpful and avoids the lengthy time involved in therapy, i.e it gets straight to a point. But surely there is room here for all views. When my friends ask me for advice, I dont offer them therapy!

One final comment .. Cammile  Paglia might feel empowered each time she takes off her clothes infront of a man ... good for her who ever she is! It doesnt mean that all women will.

And we have male view from Mazloom! He obviously thinks what you seem to have suggested, and what I seem to have misunderstood,  is a good idea. But he would !!!!!!!!

best wishes



I hate Iranians who so

by getreal (not verified) on

I hate Iranians who so pathetically imitate the most precocious of Americans:

"Taking your clothes off in front of a man becomes easier with each date!" Take your clothes off! Have sex! Fuck around! Screw your soul...Screw your values! Screw your dignity! Screw your respect....Just take your clothes off and jump to bed and you'll see how easier it will become as you're gradually turning into a whore!


What the hell kind of advice is this? This is the kind of thing you'd never hear from a real specialist. This is not professional psychotherapy or anything like that; it's feminist babbling. It's the kind of thing you'd hear from those bitter feminists who think that fucking around is the best way to get back at men or reach equality.


I envy the bastard!

by Mazloom on

I whole heartedly agree with you on this one. I envy the first man this woman has sex with after going without it for so long. Go get her, you lucky bastard.

Kobra Khanoom

seeking clarity

by Kobra Khanoom on

Javaneh khanoom,

I usually never comment on my own posts or writings but this time you got me really wrong. I did not say she should sleep with each date. Re-read what I wrote. I simply said each time one dates dating becomes easier and with each taking off of one's clothes infront of a man the act of undressing becomes easier. This was an answer to a woman who claimed it was hard for her to interact with men in a romanitic context. I happen to believe that sex has curative powers and I echo Camille Paglia in saying that each time a woman undresses in front of a man she is empowered. Your kind of advice sounds too much like the "psycho-babble" on American talk show t.v which is exactly what I am trying to avoid here. This woman needs to discover or re-discover the fun in having sex before she becomes romantically involved.

Thank you for reading my blog and keep commenting. I love a good disagreement.


I have a different view

by javaneh29 on

Khobra Khanoom with all due respect I have a different view. I didn't agree with your suggestion to the man who misses his wife either, which is why I posted my response on your other blog re healthy discussion and this time I strongly disagree with you.

This woman has been out of relationship for 10- 11  years... she is therefore likely to be a little vulnerable in the dating scene. She has avoided men all this time .... first she needs to learn to feel comfortable with them again.

I agree she should take things slowely and not get involved with any one person immediately, maybe go out on a few dates with a few different guys and she will get more relaxed as she gets used to being with men in this context but sleep with them all!!!! Really im not a prude but I honestly dont feel this is good advice. Are you serious? My hope is that you are being deliberatly provocative.

My other advice to this lady would be to start off by going out on a date with someone she knows a little and/ or  with another couple.  

The fact that she is thinking differenlty about herself and what she wants for her future is enough. She will start giving out the right signals now and really should only do what she is comfortable with, stage by stage.

Taking off her clothes and jumping into bed with each date could leave her damaged and confused.